A 79 year-old Pennsylvania man in poor health last week became the first known victim of a person identifying as a cat, the Pocono Record reports on an at least partial validation of the 2020s-era Republican assertions of schoolchildren transitioning into felines and clawing at each other.

According to the criminal complaint against 32 year-old Ashley Self, Pennsylvania State Police responded to a call at a home on Parker Mew (lol) in Penn Forest Township, Carbon County, shortly after 9 AM on August 10, finding Kenneth Greenfield on his bed, unresponsive, with a laceration on his left forearm, and his oxygen tank apparatus removed. Greenfield’s son told cops he had picked up Self and driven her to the home earlier that morning for a reason undisclosed in the article.

It does however say that Self was already being sought on a mental health warrant prior to that morning, though not whether the unnamed Junior Greenfield had been aware of her status. Self at some point fell asleep and when she woke up at 8:30 AM began meowing and rubbing up against Junior. At that point he asked her to leave and said he would call the cops if she didn’t, prompting her to strip completely nude and Junior to head to the garage to call a mutual friend to consult about Self’s behavior. It was then that Junior heard his dad yelling from his bedroom. Rushing in, Junior saw Self on top of the old man, attempting to push him down into the bed and “clawing at him like a cat,” according to the affidavit that also mentions Junior describing Self’s “superhuman strength.”

Should’ve been corrected to “supercat strength,” but whatever. Self bolted before cops arrived and the old man was taken to a nearby hospital where he was pronounced dead at 10:35 AM. Police then found Self about 100 yards from the home, “completely nude” and “barking, meowing, and howling upon her apprehension,” suggesting she was transitioning to becoming a dog too. Prosecutors hit her with first-degree misdemeanor involuntary manslaughter, and second-degree misdemeanor charges of recklessly endangering another person, and simple assault, likely five years max.

Which was probably the best the local DA could do in this situation given the mix of (1) the preexisting mental health warrant on Self (2) almost impossible to establish intent (3) fragile victim with a foot and four toes in the grave who would’ve survived easily if this had happened to him 20 years ago. The only question now is whether Self will need a litter box or a fire hydrant in the pound.