Sources tell the New York Times that convicted felon President Trump has ordered no fewer than six different United States Attorneys’ offices to immediately investigate organizations funded by National Zero’s spiritual father, the infinitely wise and tenacious god-titan of democracy, liege of all who are free from autocratic oppression, champion of those who yearn to escape it, George Soros.

The florid language of the previous sentence was intended to match the serious of this one, lifted verbatim from the Times, who write that the memo they obtained “goes as far as to list possible charges prosecutors could file, ranging from arson to material support of terrorism,” emphasis added on the evidently self-serious aspirations that the Soros-linked groups should take as seriously as if Trump demanded a $50 trillion settlement in a civil complaint. Like stick some lawyers on the “case” to keep and eye on it but lol when the fuck is this going to get in front of a grand jury let alone a petit one in a criminal trial? “The memo suggests department leaders are following orders from the president that specific people or groups be subject to criminal investigation,” the Times writes.

Jesus Christ, maybe just leave that out of the next article. Better to let this shit speak for itself than painfully grind out that tapioca pudding merely hinting at what’s fucking obvious to everyone.

In related news, CNN reports that Attorney General Pam Bondi has some “concerns” over whether the reich is going to be able to prosecute former FBI Director James Comey and is skeptical that they can land an indictment in the next five days, while ABC reports that career prosecutors have warned new EDVA US Attorney Lindsey Halligan that a grand jury will likely return a no true bill.