The Coast Guard on Saturday announced the suspension of the search “for the missing crew members from the fishing vessel Lily Jean after search efforts yielded no additional results. Coast Guard crews have searched continuously since receiving an emergency position-indicating radio beacon activation Friday morning from the 72-foot fishing vessel, approximately 25 miles off the coast of Cape Ann, Massachusetts. Seven people were reported to be aboard the vessel.”

“During the search, Coast Guard air and surface crews located a debris field near the beacon’s reported position, recovered one unresponsive individual from the water, and located the vessel’s life raft, which was deployed but unoccupied. Coast Guard crews conducted coordinated search patterns based on weather conditions, sea state and available evidence and covered approximately 1,047 square miles over 24 hours using multiple aircraft, cutters and small boats. After consultation between search and rescue mission coordinators and on-scene commanders, the Coast Guard determined that all reasonable search efforts for the missing crew members had been exhausted.”

“The cause of the incident is under investigation by the Coast Guard Northeast District,” the statement continued as if to leave open the possibility that a giant squid emerged from the abyss and attacked the boat. Or it was Somali pirates because you never know, they could theoretically have built a super secret base in Nova Scotia and are conducting raids on American vessels. Or maybe they just murdered one of their crew and scattered a bunch of debris to make it look extra convincing that they sank to cover up the explosive truth that they secretly defected to Greenland.

Really anything could have happened, the way the Coast Guard makes it sound in their update that completely omits the fact that it’s goddamned January and air temperatures were around 6 to 12° F, water temps 39° F. Winds at 27 MPH. Swells up to 12 ft high in some places. Sea spray that freezes on contact with vessels that can VERY quickly accumulate on one side and capsize fishing boats whose weight distribution constantly shifts as catches are hauled aboard and placed in the hold.

Also key to the “suspense” in the Coast Guard’s press release is the implication by omission that the emergency (EPIRB) beacon and life raft were deployed manually by the crew the moment they knew the Lily was doomed. Leaving out the fact that those two devices are by federal law required to be capable of activating automatically upon immersion in sea water – this is as bedrock of a design principle as nigh-indestructibility is to an airplane’s black box – was a friggin masterstroke.

Tricia McLaughlin better watch her back. A star’s been born in the Coast Guard’s comms shop and needs to be contained before he/she goes supernova and seizes control of all DHS messaging.