Who knows what prompted the White House to post this notice directed at “Panicans” on Monday…
Scratch that. Who knows what specifically what prompted them to publish “While the Fake News and Radical Left collude to distract, depress, and divide, they’re simply lying to mask the undeniable truth: America is safer, stronger, richer, and more secure than at any point in decades. Don’t take the bait [long list of either gross exaggerations or outright lies] New victories pour in daily as President Trump delivers on his promises and rebuilds the foundation for long-term success in the greatest nation on Earth. The momentum is unstoppable. Don’t be a Panican, America is winning again — and more victories are coming,” which, well… There’s only so many times you can say “Imagine if Biden…”
You do however really have to marvel at this propaganda about the “winning” stock market, immigration enforcement, and so on. This isn’t like Team Orange saying “DON’T SELL UR STOCKS, BUY TEH DIP” or “THE VIRUS WILL BE GONE BY EASTER, JUST SIT TIGHT” or whatever other shit they would tell the American people as a whole. It is, simply via the use of the really, really stupid Trump-coined portmanteau “Panican,” the White House almost literally saying “Cease panicking immediately, Republicans.” Commanding Republican voters to cheer up about the party’s political situation using a taxpayer-owned website with talking points composed by public servants is nothing if not on-brand for this regime that does not and never will give a fuck about ethics.
So if that part and the message itself are clear enough then there’s still the question of precisely what got this Panican administration so eager to project onto their party and its voters.
There’s almost an embarrassment of options between all the polling (which is shit), the public cries from certain Panicans (which are becoming more and more frequent), and all the insider-sourced reporting, so let’s just stick mostly to that and start with none other than the bandwagoning bitches at Axios, who on Friday the 6th printed “GOP’s new fear: Losing the Senate in November.”
Honestly if not for all the other shit going badly this alone could explain why the White House literally told their voters not to panic, the party’s power will remain intact. “For the first time, GOP strategists are telling Axios that losing the Senate – where Republicans have a 53-47 majority – is a distinct possibility, and that they’ll have to fight harder than expected to keep control,” the GOP donor class newsletter warns their readership in a story that regards the House as already long beyond saving. Even more embarrassing: Republicans “privately concede” that Chuck Schumer absolutely schlonged them in candidate recruitment. Hard to disagree with them.
Hate Schumer all you want about you name it, you can’t deny that he kicked ass this cycle by landing Roy Cooper in North Carolina, Mary Peltola in Alaska, and Sherrod Brown in Ohio for those absolutely must-win races. Easy A that would’ve been an A+ if he had gotten Andy Beshear for Kentucky. Meanwhile fuckin Lara Trump wussed out of facing Cooper, Brian Kemp could seriously have beaten Jon Ossoff in Georgia (if election day was tomorrow) but he didn’t want to risk losing (because election day isn’t tomorrow), and their best option in Michigan is the same piker who lost to Elissa Slotkin by 15,000 votes when Trump won the state by about 80,000 on the same ballot.
Oh and Joni Ernst was so scared of losing in Iowa she retired. In Iowa.
“A year ago, I would have told you we were almost guaranteed to win the Senate,” a “GOP operative who’s reviewed internal polling” told Axios. “Today, I would have to tell you it’s far less certain.”
Bitch-ass Panican.
I still can't believe that John Cornyn's senior staffer last night doxxed Wesley Hunt's family and posted his social security number on X and then Cornyn defended it.
Why isn't the national media covering this? https://t.co/CR19M9biu6
— Attorney General Ken Paxton (@KenPaxtonTX) February 14, 2026
As if those self-inflicted headaches in the actually expected-to-be-contested races weren’t enough well here’s another one – a very big one – sans context about whatever the hell was going on with goddamned Wesley Hunt’s Social Security number in that fucking tweet from Picasso Face.
Earlier this month the New York Times wrote “Some of [John Cornhole] Cornyn’s donors have had serious concerns in recent months about his viability, according to people close to them, but they now largely think he will at least make the runoff. What happens next is a subject of debate. Some donors are hoping to save resources for the May runoff. But some major donors feel ‘fatalistic’ about the embattled Mr Cornyn, in the words of one adviser, and some are already privately wondering when, not whether, wealthy Republicans should cut bait, according to two people close to those donors. Some establishment Republicans worry that no matter his financial advantage, he will be a serious underdog against Mr Paxton in the runoff – and that donors’ money would be better spent helping Republicans like Senator Susan Collins of Maine in the fall,” and just let that hang there.
Yes, you read it right. Susan Collins is the smarter investment than John Cornyn’s primary.
This even after the donor class have already figured that, in the likely event that Paxton bumps off Cornhole and the likely-ish that Dem Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett beats state Senator James Talarico, they’ll need to spend $250 million to put Pax across the finish line in November, money that could’ve gone to defense elsewhere, forget playing offense in Georgia and Michigan.
“Every time I talk to [Trump] on the phone, he says, ‘How’s the race going?’ and then he cites polls back to me so I know he’s following it closely,” Cornyn told the Washington Post on Monday. It’s not clear if Trump also knows that Cornyn’s donors have already spent $50 million on ads trying to beat back Paxton and yet the corrupt fascist Attorney General still leads him in the polls. Cornyn probably didn’t mention it in between begging for Trump’s endorsement already.
“There’s only one person in the world who’s going to make that decision, and we can’t wait,” Cornyn added. That was six days ago and he’s still waiting. But keep checking Truth Social, John.
If Republicans lose in the midterms, it won't be because we're enforcing the law. It'll be because some in our party show weakness and equivocate.
Voters want bold action on immigration, not cowardice. Time to double down and fight for our communities!
— Eric Burlison (@EricBurlison) February 5, 2026
Further down from Panican Cornyn’s quotes the Post then checks in on the House, writing “Trump has noted that the stakes of the midterms include, for him personally, the likelihood of being investigated or even impeached by a Democratic-controlled House. His first administration uniformly disregarded oversight requests and litigated subpoenas until after his term. Now some advisers expect that the administration can stonewall congressional oversight and that Democratic focus on investigating Trump could backfire on them leading up to the 2028 presidential election.”
Huh. Soooooooo they’ve gone from “WE ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO HOLD THE HOUSE IN 2026 AT ALL COSTS SO ALL YOU PUSSY REPUBLICANS IN STATE LEGISLATURES BETTER GERRYMANDER US SOME FREE SEATS NOW!” to “Well we could just not cooperate with oversight. Plus voters will hate Dems for wasting time subpoenaing us for testimony on why convicted sex offender Ghislaine Maxwell was moved to a cushy Club Fed. That and defending ICE could be a BIG winner in 2028.”
Thinking like that could be a reason why fucking rodent Chuck Todd is saying the GOP’s screwed.
This could be 20,000+ words and still probably wouldn’t cover all the reasons for the current mood of Panicanification of the Republican Party and its mentally decaying leader that still has more than eight months to find unique and interesting new ways – like total, mind-blowing, outside of your context, Black Swan shit that you never even dreamed of – to make things worse for themselves.
Hell the SAVE Act circlejerk could take up half of that. What’s a Panican without any tiresome “election integrity” bullshit – or vowing to search “the depths of Legal Arguments not yet articulated or vetted on this subject, and will be presenting an irrefutable one in the very near future.” The first step to sounding like a grown-up when you talk is not trying so hard to sound like a grown-up.
Just as the first step to not sounding like an aggrieved and butthurt panican is…
…to not sound like RonAnon here, getting all emotional over Renee Good and Alex Pretti being “martyrs” for the Democrats to use to drive energy against Republicans in the midterms.
That clip could be 1,000 words alone. RonAnon’s a miserable cunt who would draw precious little sympathy from most Americans if his laptop spontaneously exploded in his face and blinded him permanently, leaving a 60-something man already set in his ways to have to learn Braille.
You can at least enjoy that he’s not having any fun. And that he didn’t read the “Don’t be a Panican” memo telling him to turn that frown upside down… Or he did and thought it was stupid.