EDITOR’S NOTE: This story should’ve been published June 12th or 13th, but seriously got dragged out the door for a birthday party or something… Or maybe some other shit happened in the news and then this whole article fell by the wayside. It wasn’t finished, probably about 65 percent, but will just wrap it up with a note explaining what the intent was to bring it all around…

“When Julie Slama and her husband moved to a home outside Dunbar, Nebraska, in April 2022, they were happy customers of Elon Musk’s Starlink,” opens a Washington Post article that requires a brief but very funny detour in the pickup here because they really breezed over who Slama is and completely ignore what else happened with her that very same month in that very same year.

True, they say she’s “a Republican and former Nebraska state senator,” and it’s not exactly germane to the story about friggin Starlink but come on. How the hell do they not at least nod at the fact that she publicly accused Trump-endorsed GOP gubernatorial candidate Charles Herbster of sticking his hand up her skirt during a 2019 event and then got sued by Herbster? At least write “getting internet service in her new home was one less headache after moving in the middle of getting hit with a defamation suit for publicly accusing a Trump-endorsed millionaire of sexually assaulting her.”

Herbster – who that month was also outed as an Ashley Madison user, lol – ended up losing the primary and the lawsuit was dismissed that October. Slama dropped her sexual battery case against Dirty Charles and moved on, happy enough paying $90 a month for high speed internet she and her husband need to run their law practice from their house outside of Dunbar, population 156 and 40 miles south of Omaha, given the non-availability of literally any alternatives out in the boonies.

Until it wasn’t $90 a month. “I can complain about Starlink raising their prices, but it’s the only real option we have,” said Slama, adding. “Once they have rural customers on their service with no meaningful alternatives, they’re free to raise prices at will.” Welcome to capitalism, Jules.

The exact amount of the spike wasn’t specified, just that Slama said it totals about another $500 a year, which works out to a rate of $133 a month with no actual increase in service speed.

Meanwhile…

🚨 BREAKING — IT'S OFFICIAL: Elon Musk becomes the world's first TRILLIONAIRE as SpaceX goes public

This is absolutely MONUMENTAL. Congratulations @ElonMusk!

To the moon! 🚀$SPCX is set to start trading at $135 per share imminently, valuing the company around $1.8 TRILLION. pic.twitter.com/hyyMcHC4Rc

— Nick Sortor (@nicksortor) June 12, 2026

Somebody could write a doctorate on a middle-tier MAGA shitposter celebrating this news like a Knicks fan gushing about the team being one win away from its first NBA title in 53 years. It really is something to behold when you step back and look at it that way, no “orbital distance” required.

Back on Earth in the here and now, there’s Julie Slama and her timely payment of her monthly Starlink internet bill that made that tweet possible… And maybe more that she made possible.

An exhaustive examination of her voting record as a Nebraska state senator before she departed the unicameral legislature early last year was not touched upon by the Post in their article. She’d been running for state treasurer when current Nebraska Gov Jim Pillen, whose administration is firmly against building out broadband infrastructure for the state and had repeatedly butted heads with Slama about the issue, screwed her over by appointing someone else to the job last November when then-incumbent Treasurer Jim Briese resigned for reasons not entirely clear.

Maybe he just hated the job. Or sent dick pics to teenagers. Who knows?

Slama, by then already a former state senator, had been campaigning for all of two days before Pillen’s pick of some d-bag caused her to drop out. On Pillen’s whim Slama could’ve been made the incumbent and prohibitive favorite in both primary and the general, also on his whim she wasted probably a few thousand dollars getting stickers and signs printed for the aborted bid.

100% agree. Foreign and out-of-state money is laundered through these Dem pass-throughs at an absurd rate. https://t.co/uPm2eOhNZl

— Julie Slama (@SenatorSlama) May 18, 2026

So for those keeping score at home: Slama was sexually assaulted by one GOP candidate, completely fucked over by the rival she helped win, and pays $133 a month for internet in her little mud patch of a town because Elon Musk’s monopoly faces nothing near a serious threat from either the current Nebraskan or federal Republicans give a shit about her or any other MAGAmerican.

And there she is, basically copying and pasting Laura Ingraham’s show notes, not even nodding toward something like “Alright, fuck this cult of corruption and malevolence. I’m done.” It’s enough to conclude that she kind of deserves to pay $133/month for internet with no ceiling in sight.

“Fiber would offer a far more stable alternative,” Slama told the Post in the closing bookend to her opening intro in the lede of the article. “I would switch to fiber tomorrow if it was offered. It makes sense from a business perspective that Starlink is opposing rural fiber expansion.”