Happy New Year! We’re hours away from entering 2024, when we can be expected to be bombarded with campaign ads, Russian trolls and talking points, not to mention the possible end of the American democratic experiment. But that’s not tonight, so party on, dudes! (Apologies, Bill and Ted.) Let’s take a look back at some of the events from the last year that will shape the next.
[The necessary disclaimer: Yes, there are many other stories this year not covered here like the Hamas attack on Israel and the ensuing war, the ongoing war in Ukraine, flip-flopping Nikki Haley whitewashing the cause of the Civil War, the Maui wildfires, the mess of gun violence in the United States, King Charles’s coronation, Robert Menendez being indicted and the disclosure of classified documents on Discord by a member of the US military. But it’s New Year’s Eve, so let’s take a lighter look at things.]
There really was no bigger story in 2023–both in terms of news coverage and in regards to historical significance–than the various Trump criminal indictments. Two federal criminal indictments joined one from Fulton County and another from Manhattan to make Trump not just the first former president to face felony charges, but he set that mark with the federal, state and local hat trick. Add civil suits for financial fraud in New York, for defaming E. Jean Carroll after raping her, and the class action suit for the ACN multi-level marketing scam, and you can see why Trump’s Frequent Litigant Card is maxed out. But it’s just the beginning.
The excitement over the release of Trump’s mugshot from Fulton County was a moment of both celebration and discomfort: celebration because those of us who oppose Trumpism see it as a step in the final reckoning for his crimes, but discomfort because as a nation, we should never have had that man in a White House. More importantly, it proved that our laws mean something, and regardless of verdict–we all know how we want it to turn out–just having a former President criminally indicted verifies the idea that no one is above the law in the United States. (It was also fun to see only handfuls of people show up when Trump implored them to protest his arrests.)
But for Trump, the fucked up Republican conference in the House would’ve been the biggest political story of the year. Fifteen rounds of voting to elect Kevin McCarthy as Speaker, a position he would hold for less than 10 months, then the elfen Speaker pro tem Patrick McHenry, and finally the mild-mannered supervillian Mike Johnson. Who can forget the smug Matt Gaetz nearly getting smacked by a colleague or the pleading Marjorie Taylor Greene holding out a phone beseeching a fellow Republican to take a call from Trump. Marge ended the year kicked out of the Freedom Caucus; apparently no one gave a shit about who she could get on the phone.
Speaking of Marge, her little bitch Lauren Boebert had quite a year, didn’t she? Actually, I don’t know that: I don’t spend that much time tracking her. But the theater feel up–with the “I’ll call the mayor!” cherry on top–sealed the deal for LB², who’s now seeking solace in the arms of a neighboring Congressional district that will also reject her.
Rupert Murdoch’s Fox “News” earned those quotation marks when it accepted a $787.5 million settlement with Dominion Voting Systems for knowingly airing false stories and accusations about the electronics company. Perusing text messages from the network’s hosts where they blatantly acknowledge that their sources are full of shit but they’re putting them to placate the Trump fanatics told us all we already knew about the network’s lack of integrity.
That ultimately led to the sudden dismissal of the network’s ratings leader, Tucker Carlson, the overt white nationalist conspiracy theorist around whom Fox designed its already shitcanned online streaming service. Tucker took his tape first to the social media platform formerly known as Twitter, but has since decided to “Glenn Beck” it and start his own gig from a studio Fox built for him in Maine during the pandemic.
If the worst thing he’d done all year was debut the Cybertruck, a vehicle apparently designed when he was a 9-year-old left with only a pencil and a ruler, Elon Musk might’ve stayed off the list. But after buying Twitter for $44 billion, he’s quickly destroyed the platform while giving racists, homophobes and endless bots a loudspeaker. That’s fine, because a multitude of better substitutes have arisen. And as long as Musk continues to piss off advertisers, by allowing neo-Nazi ads next to their promotions leading to major revenue losses, his platform is doomed for subpar-ness.
It wouldn’t be a year without at least one hypocritical Republican sex scandal, and this year we had two: Matt Schlapp was accused of forcibly fondling the genitals of a CPAC staffer. And 2023’s astroturf group Moms for Libertines Liberty destroyed itself in a Santorum of hypocrisy, bisexuality and rape accusations.
Another act of self-destruction: A group of people with too much money went into a submersible that imploded instantaneously when it reached the extreme pressures of deep water. RIP to those who died, but ya gotta do more than check out the Yelp reviews for a deep sea diving company.
On the other side of the altitude spectrum, Chinese spy balloons soared over the country before being destroyed on the Atlantic Coast. One balloon started a frenzy of balloon sightings that led to the revelation that these things have been floating around for years, and they’re not just Chinese. There are scores of balloons floating uncontrolled above us.
The labor movement scored big in 2023. Actors and writers all benefited from labor actions, even though it forced audiences to endure months of reruns for late-night shows. More than 400 strikes put half a million workers on the picket line, leading to significant worker gains. Within the auto industry, UAW picketers regained compensation they gave up to help the companies… during the Bush recession of 2008. And for the first time, a President of the United States stood alongside workers in a picket line.
A big issue in the SAG and Writers Guild strikes centered around the use of artificial intelligence, a new tool that was released by ChatGPT, Google, [nee Twitter], Microsoft and others released text and visual versions of the technology, which is quickly–and many times, recklessly–being used by consumers. While the technology could lead to great gains for mankind, it could also be the precursor to SkyNet, a fictional AI system that decides it needs to delete humanity.
Malfunctioning Mitch McConnell had a tumble at a fundraiser that allegedly led to at least two episodes of Mute Mitch Syndrome, where the Senate Minority leader does his best imitation of tree trunk for long periods in front of cameras.
While we’re discussing public embarrassments, I give you Ron DeSantis. That is all.
Republican faux Arizona Governor Kari Lake continues her dizzying quest to be a female Donald Trump without the wealthy reputation. Her Vaseline-smeared visage will darken screens across Arizona again as she undertakes another scam campaign, this time for Senate, an indication that the Republicans won’t field serious candidates for 2024. Politics: what some people do when they can’t get a job.
Because former television newsreader Lake was enough of a diva for the GOP, they brought into Congress George Santos, an indicted drag queen, fraudster, and consummate gossip who has promised to spill the beans on his Congressional colleagues who booted him out of the House for being a clown con man, making him the first person ejected from Congress who was not either convicted of a crime or part of the Confederacy.
The Confederacy, you say? Why, yes, we were going to discuss the GOP Presidential debates, a series of half-baked shout-fests that will be best known for taking up television airtime. Basically, they’re a handful of wannabes trying to be the First Runner-Up to Miscreant America, ready to jump in should Trump (1) keel over, (2) get imprisoned, or (3) seek asylum in Red Square before the election.
With all the talk in 2023 of unfair prosecutions, we should discuss it: Hunter Biden had a deal to plead to various charges that happened when he was suffering from his addiction, but the deal fell through, leading to him becoming the first child of a sitting president to be indicted. Pundits concur that the indictments end any chance Hunter had at winning the 2024 Presidential election.
A key consideration in the upcoming election, the surprisingly strong economy–which has sunk into its 18th recession since Joe Biden took office if you believe Fox–saw jobs created under the Dark Brandon Administration jump to 13 million, year-over-year GDP soar 5.2%, and wage growth outpacing falling inflation. While other “First World” economies continue to struggle in the post-pandemic environment, the US economy avoided a recession and is leading the way back to normalcy. And all this under the threat of a drummed-up GOP Party-line impeachment.
Republicans seem to be confused on what merits impeachment: a son’s actions don’t, but a Supreme Court justice taking millions of dollars of bribes gifts should in a normal world. Clarence Thomas got a new RV, vacations, and renovations to his mommy’s house, not to mention a major donation to her nest egg thanks to Harlon Crow. And on top of that, his wife was getting paid by court packer Leonard Leo. But Republicans say there is no sign of corruption and Thomas, Alito et al on the Right side of the bench are as innocent as…
Oh, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy Giuliani. It’s hard to tell what’s worse for him: being part of the Georgia RICO indictment; being listed as (unnamed) “Co-conspirator 1” in a federal indictment; or being ordered to pay nearly $150 million in the defamation case brought by Fulton Co. election workers and unpowered superheroes Ruby Freeman and Shay Moss. The human hair dye dispenser put his treasured Manhattan condo on the market, but it won’t come close to paying all his debts off.
The year ended with a truly special holiday gift: rejection letters for Donald Trump from Colorado and Maine, with other states considering taking the Apricot Anarchist off its ballots because he disqualified himself from office for breaking his oath.
And finally, Tim Scott’s girlfriend. What can we say about her? Well, not much, given that we saw her only at one debate, and then she flew back to Canada to continue her modeling career after he ended his presidential run. Ain’t that right, Tim?
Happy New Year to the National Zero community! Enjoy whatever festivities you’re joining, and please don’t get picked up by the Florida Booty Patrol.