A team of University of Kentucky computer science researchers who spent 10 months painstakingly trying to delicately open and then develop an AI tool to help translate scrolls recovered from the destroyed ancient Roman city of Herculaneum tell McClatchy that not only were there no clues to vexing mysteries of lost antiquity but the researchers were unable “escape the feeling that the first text we’ve uncovered is a 2,000-year-old blog post about how to enjoy life.”

“As too in the case of food, we do not right away believe things that are scarce to be absolutely more pleasant than those which are abundant. Such questions will be considered frequently,” the ancient author wrote at some point before they were incinerated by the massive eruption of Mount Vesuvius in 79 AD. The writer then complained that some sort of ideological adversaries “have nothing to say about pleasure, either in general or in particular, when it is a question of definition… for we do [not] refrain from questioning some things, but understanding or remembering others. And may it be evident to us to say true things, as they might have often appeared evident!”

The UKY team say they’ve only uncovered and translated 5 percent of the legible-ish ancient Greek written on the scrolls. We’re looking forward to the part that says “Man there’s a lot of smoke and earthquakes coming out of Vesuvius today huh. Maybe I should check it out after I try to hand my demo scroll to Pliny the Elder. I just know it’ll be my big break in the philosophy scene after all these years of obscurity. Just have to make sure that punk ass nepo baby Pliny the Younger is distracted.”