Melania unlikely to move into the White House

Sources tell CNN that Third Lady Melania Trump is unlikely to actually move in to the White House in January, leaving her elderly and mentally frail husband free rein to murder prostitutes in the presidential mansion’s residential area without her interfering or witnessing the crimes.

Four arrested for insurance fraud after biologist determines it was a guy in a bear suit that ripped up Rolls Royce’s interior, not a bear

Cornhole wants to see House Ethics report on Matt Gaetz

Veteran anchor weighs in on Trump’s unconventional cabinet picks

The Onion wins Infowars auction

“Stop shit like this”

Premature explosion ruins date with Brazilian Supreme Court

The Horror

Rudy lawyerless

Joint Chiefs on chopping block: report

Matt Gaetz resigns

FBI raids Polymarket founder’s home

Oklahoma school district failed to protect LGBTQ student who later committed suicide, federal investigation finds

Say hello to Attorney General Rapey McForehead

“Uncommitted” asshole pleads with Biden to do something now

China relieved to see Little Marco lead State Department

John Thune elected Senate Majority Leader

WATCH LIVE: Washington invaded by otherworldly forces

Orange Hitler tells House GOP to figure out how he can run in 2028

Melania unlikely to move into the White House

Ohio Republican seeks to ban colleges from asking for pronouns

Jones ally to offer 7-figure bid for Infowars at auction

Elect a clown, get a circus

“The only thing I could think of when I heard that Trump won was that my mom is coming home”: psycho Capitol rioter’s daughter

Michiganders “protest” local Diary of Anne Frank performance

Boaters forced to endure Disney cruise after catamaran sinks

Britain devastated by deer outbreak

Regular guest on Ancient Aliens lands exciting new job

Climate change side effect to increase climate denialism: report

Bangladeshis ask Interpol to arrest fugitive ex-dictator

MAGA Latino says Trump won’t deport “family-oriented” illegals

Kremlin says they expect their asset to earn his paycheck

Minnesota man kills sons, wife, ex and himself because Trump got elected again, the New York Post doesn’t report (but wanted to)

Wicked Barbie doll packaging points to porn site URL

Private prison company stock prices rise again

Nick Fuentes apparently confirms he pepper sprayed lib woman

Orange Tyrant to nominate Stefanik for US Ambassador to UN

Cuba hit with 6.8 magnitude quake after blackouts, hurricane

RHESUS MONKEY CRISIS UPDATE: One down, 42 to go

Daily Wire exposes massive FEMA worker safety conspiracy

Biden and Trump to meet Wednesday

Why does a Wendy’s Jr Bacon Cheeseburger still cost $3.99?

Wildfire breaks out in Brooklyn’s Prospect Park

Random thoughts Friday, Volume CXCIX

Armed man in body armor arrested near Florida Dem’s house

Zero escaped rhesus monkeys captured in South Carolina

Biden lifts ban on US military contractors working in Ukraine

MAGA Senator-Elect Jim Banks down with mass deportations

Quotation marks placed around “groceries”

FBI investigating racist threats texted to Black people

Try “forest bathing” for your post-election anxiety: CNN