“I’m working with Governor Gretchen Whitmer on trying to save The Great Lakes from the rather violent and destructive Asian Carp, which is rapidly taking over Lake Michigan, and all of the beautiful surrounds. I’ll be asking other Governors to join into this fight, including those of Illinois, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, New York and, of course, the future Governor of Canada, Mark Carney, who I know will be happy to contribute to this worthy cause. Separately, I am also working to save The Great Salt Lake, in Utah, which, in a short period of time, if nothing is done, will have no water. This is on top of everything else I am doing. Only ‘TRUMP’ CAN DO IT!” posted the Orange Largemouth Bass on Tuesday above a video of the carp jumping out of shallow water.

Guess Americans – and Canadians, who are just that much less likely to ever become Americans with every single gratuitous insertion of the stupid “Governor” joke – are supposed to be thanking him for pretending to give a shit on top of everything else stupid that he’s doing.

“President Trump is maintaining stability of global energy during military operations against Iran. The US Navy successfully escorted an oil tanker through the Strait of Hormuz to ensure oil remains flowing to global markets. We are having restrictions of flow of energy,” posted Energy Suckretary Chris Wright on Tuesday before deleting it minutes later because it was a lie.

Not big on copying headlines from upstream sources verbatim but, well, there you have it. Fact-check-ory Snopes.com went there because apparently enough people thought those two deeply disquieting photos were real. Not pasting them in here because they are indeed disquieting.

Also not clear what the joke was. Like it’s an Epstein files thing, obviously, but why are the otherwise PG-rated fakes of the 42nd President of the United States wearing normal clothes and the severely disabled late astrophysicist in a generic fairy tale princess costume circulating at all? Like is this someone trying to make it look like Clinton had a thing for Hawking when he was dressed like a little girl? Isn’t there anything more prosaic “Epstein Island” and thus inculpating that could be faked?

“Thomas Britt Alewine of Williamston pled guilty last month to Attempted Murder and Armed Robbery for an incident at the Dollar General located on Highway 252 in Belton, South Carolina. The Honorable Scott R Sprouse sentenced Alewine to 20 years at the South Carolina Department of Corrections. He will not be eligible for parole as the offenses are considered violent and most serious under South Carolina Law,” says the South Carolina 10th Circuit DA’s office in a statement.

“Anderson County Sheriff’s Deputies responded to the Dollar General outside of Belton off Highway 252 on February 19, 2025, in reference to an armed robbery and shooting. When officers arrived, they found the victim on scene having been shot by an unknown white male who pulled out a gun and demanded money from the employees working the store. After a brief argument between the employees and Alewine, he fired a revolver at the victim, grabbed money from the register, and exited the building and the premises. The victim was struck by a bullet and was transported to the hospital and treated. Doctors determined that the bullet passed through the victim’s shoulder, avoiding striking any bones or any major arteries,” the pretty well-detailed press release continued.

Nice of them to just skip the specifics of the actual robbery part. It’s embarrassing enough that they mention it was a Dollar General. Saying he got 20 years for $37 would just completely level him.

Electing a Republican mayor has cost the Town of Pemberton, New Jersey’s taxpayers at least $1.125 million as NJ.com reports the third of former skipper Jack Tompkins’s six separate sexual harassment cases have hit the governing budget of the municipality home to over 26,000.

Tomkins resigned in December after local officials were getting ready to kick him off the township’s insurance policy. The latest payout, a $275,000 settlement to records clerk Patricia Everett for an April 2025 lawsuit, will also come with a co-insurance cost of $45,000. Everett had alleged that not only did Tomkins sexually harass her, he had also singled her out for eating lunch at her desk while male coworkers got away with the same thing. Three lawsuits down, three to go.

Apparently fully aware that their majority is doomed, House Republicans are putting the work in during the next eight months to passing a second “Big Beautiful” piece of shit, one that will further gut Medicaid and other safety-net benefits already savaged in the last one, Politico reports.

Of course, it doesn’t mean it’s actually going to happen, but why not waste time and effort?

Among the many stories that National Zero missed over the weekend was the “IED” thrown during a Saturday protest outside of Gracie Mansion in New York City, a reportedly functional bomb aimed not at Mayor Zohran Mamdani, but increasingly notorious pardoned Capitol rioter Jake Lang, 30, a prolific shit-stirrer supposedly running in the Florida GOP Senate primary against creepy incumbent Ashley Moody. Two teenage Pennsylvania men of Muslim backgrounds who allegedly pledged allegiance to ISIS were arrested at the scene and face grievous federal charges.

“Eagle Ed” Martin, the former Capitol rioter defense lawyer who sucked so badly at his first Trump 2.0 job of Acting DC US Attorney that he got replaced by deranged alcoholic crone Jeanine “Judge Box-o-Wine” Pirro and is on his way out the door from the other crony job convicted felon President Trump made up for him, is now facing DC Bar discipline for sending Georgetown University a letter accusing them of teaching DEI, and the unilaterally imposing sanctions by blocking the DOJ from hiring alumni without even waiting for a response from the school, CBS News reports.

“Acting in his official capacity and speaking on behalf of the government, he used coercion to punish or suppress a disfavored viewpoint, the teaching and promotion of DEI,” wrote DC Bar Disciplinary Counsel Hamilton “Phil” Fox in a filing. “He demanded that Georgetown Law relinquish its free speech and religious rights in order to obtain a benefit, employment opportunities for its students.”

The DNC on Tuesday sued convicted felon President Trump’s regime for any and all information on plans to send DHS agents or federal troops to polling places in November to intimidate voters and otherwise disrupt what should be a free and fair election, Marc Elias’s Democracy Docket reports.

Named in the complaint filed in DC are the Departments of Justice, Homeland Security, and Defense, accusing the agencies of essentially ignoring 11 Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) requests sent since October regarding the “potential employment of federal agents and troops to polling places, drop boxes, and election offices” to fuck with the midterms at Trump’s will.

The Orange God Emperor “wants to bully and cheat his way through a midterm election that he knows Republicans will lose, but we won’t let him,” DNC Chairman Ken Martin said in a statement, adding “The DNC will stand on the side of voters and use every tool in our arsenal to stop voter suppression and intimidation before it can even begin.” How big an arsenal are we talking?

“No one was whining about the price of gas when Biden/Harris were at the helm. This level of whining was absent during the Biden years. Now it’s an issue. I blame the media once again” – Top comment on Breitbart’s article “Oil Prices Jump Above $100 a Barrel for First Time in Four Years.”

What the fuck is National Zero supposed to do with this? Seriously. How is anything this site could ever type in response going to properly box and analyze what went into the comment? Other than noting that it is no longer “top” as of this printing because it got sank by downvotes, there’s really noting to add here, not even a goddamned Breitbart headline or comment from 2022 or 2023.

Israeli-American real estate moguls Tal, Oren, and Alon Alexander were convicted on all counts Monday in a federal sex trafficking trial in New York City, ABC News reports while not actually using the headline “Property Brothers” to avoid confusing them with the pair on that stupid reality show titled as such that airs on HGTV or one of those other lame basic cable channels.

“These are chilling, reprehensible, and unacceptable acts,” said US Attorney Jay Clayton, whose office prosecuted the case, said in a statement following the verdict. “We commend the victims for their courage in coming forward and testifying at the trial. They bravely overcame the pain of reliving the abuses inflicted upon them and, as a result, prevented others from becoming victims.”

Alon and Oren, 37 year-old twins, and Tal, 38, all of Miami, Florida, were each charged with one count of engaging in a sex trafficking conspiracy, which carries a maximum sentence of life in prison; and one count of sex trafficking by force, fraud, or coercion, which carries a maximum sentence of life in prison and a mandatory minimum sentence of 15 years in prison. Tal was additionally charged with a second count of sex trafficking by force, fraud, or coercion, which carries a maximum sentence of life in prison and a mandatory minimum sentence of 15 years in prison. The three predators, who also came up in the Epstein files, face sentencing on August 6th and thus have five months to squirm knowing they could end up becoming prey for the rest of their days.

'FIRE AND FURY': President Trump sends an urgent warning to Iran about stopping the flow of oil in the Strait of Hormuz:

"We will take out easily destroyable targets that will make it virtually impossible for Iran to ever be built back, as a Nation, again — Death, Fire, and Fury… pic.twitter.com/6yTSoUL4UK

— FOX & Friends (@foxandfriends) March 10, 2026

Convicted felon President Trump is delaying the final episode of his lame reality show’s prize of the Texas Senate GOP endorsement to pressure Senate Republicans to pass his stupid “SAVE America Act” by changing the filibuster rules to allow a simple majority vote on it, Politico reports.

The upshot is that Picasso-faced Lone Star State Attorney General Ken Paxton’s last-ditch effort to stave off the fat bastard’s endorsement of incumbent John Cornhole Cornyn actually apparently worked, according to the Sportscenter of politics’ sources in and around the White House. “I think that was a very smart strategy because it bought time. Because now, if you’re the White House or Trump, why would you now weigh in?” said an anonymous Republican operative. “Trump has remained very steadfast that he wants this done, and that is a huge priority, and he’s getting pissed off at these members and at [Senate Majority Leader John] Thune.”

Former Nixon White House aide Alexander Butterfield, whose 1973 revelation of the secret taping system that recorded all the very many smoking guns that he left for himself over Watergate and other scandals that led to his eventual resignation under pressure, died Monday at 99, Fox reports.

At some point the slob is supposed to hold a press conference

Convicted felon President Trump on Monday decided he’s open to TACOing his way out of the shitshow he created in the Gulf as well as killing the new Ayatollah, the Wall Street Journal reports.

“I’m not giving up my money.”

Stephen A. Smith shuts down talk of a 2028 presidential run.

Full episode drops tomorrow. pic.twitter.com/3fgI4Q0eho

— Sean Hannity 🇺🇸 (@seanhannity) March 9, 2026

Stay tuned to Mediaite for when Smith changes his mind again.

At 66 cents per gallon since February 28th when their Orange God Emperor launched his directionless attack on Iran, three-time Trump-voting state Indiana has taken the prize for highest average gas increase, beating out Ohio’s 62 cents and Michigan and Florida’s 59 cent jumps.

In fact, according to CNN’s tracker outside of California at 56 cents, Maryland at 55, Colorado at 53, and New Mexico at 52 the most dramatic increases are largely being inflicted on the MAGA states/swing states that fucked us over last election such as West Virginia at 55 cents, Iowa at 54, Texas at 53, at North Carolina at 52 cents per gallon. Enjoy driving your Ford F-350s, schmucks!