The still-unknown winner of the hotly-contested 2025 Papal special election is expected to address supporters at a raucous victory party in Vatican City’s St Peter’s Square at any moment.

Sur-fucking-prise: House Republicans, fed up with all the waste fraud and abuse in government spending are preparing to add $60 billion in bailouts to Red State agriculture enthusiasts left fucked over once again by one of convicted felon President Trump’s moronic trade policies, Politico reports.

NEW POPE! NEW POPE! NEW POPE!

“I have to be straight. I was disappointed. A lot of people were disappointed, but that’s the way it works. Sometimes, that’s the way it works. And he wasn’t rejected, but we felt it would be very it would be hard. And we have somebody else that we’ll be announcing over the next two days,” said convicted felon President Trump to reporters on Thursday, formally announcing the career demise of Acting DC US Attorney Ed Martin, via CBS News Capitol Correspondent Scott MacFarlane.

Also the fat bastard is, per usual, full of shit about “He wasn’t rejected.” Trump just rejected him, lol.

Americans can rest safe and secure knowing that their Representatives are fighting for them as ABC News reports the US House of Representatives on Thursday voted to rename the Gulf of Mexico to Gulf of America, 211 to 206. The partisan breakdown of the vote was not available as of the moment.

“The relief sought herein is needed to give effect to the Court’s Order granting expedited discovery. As the Court stated in that Order, ‘discovery is necessary in light of Defendants’ uniform refusal to disclose ‘what it can’ regarding their facilitation of Abrego Garcia’s release and return to the status quo ante.’ The Court thus authorized Plaintiffs to take the depositions of four Government officials who had previously submitted affidavits to the Court, noting that ‘[these are] the people who [the Government] said have personal knowledge of the issues before the Court.’ Three of those four depositions have now taken place, and, as described below, Plaintiffs are still in the dark about the Government’s efforts to facilitate Abrego Garcia’s release from custody and return to the United States,” write lawyers for CECOT prisoner Kilmar Abrego Garcia in a motion for further depositions in the case with reichministers at the Departments of State, Homeland Security, and Justice.

Georgia Congressman Buddy Carter – the thirsty fanboy who introed a bill for the US to annex Greenland and rename it “Red, White, and Blue-land” (what a bundle of sticks) – took Governor Brian Kemp’s pass on the race to take on Dem Senator Jon Ossoff as his cue to step up and launch a “MAGA warrior” campaign on Thursday for the seat, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports.

So there’s one guy whose name definitely sounds like that of a Klansman jumping in. Still waiting on the QAdulteress to throw down too. NBC News this week reported that Senate Republicans are quietly and subtly starting to freak the fuck out that she might be ready to just go ahead and do it.

NEW:

🚨 PRESIDENT TRUMP’S PICK FOR US SURGEON GENERAL CASEY MEANS SAID SHE PRAYS TO INANIMATE OBJECTS, COMMUNICATES WITH SPIRIT MEDIUMS, USES SHROOMS AS “PLANT MEDICINE” AND TALKS TO TREES! SHE ALSO DOESN’T EVEN HAVE AN ACTIVE MEDICAL LICENSE 🚨

THE INMATES ARE RUNNING THE… pic.twitter.com/GNcoakFkHF

— Laura Loomer (@LauraLoomer) May 8, 2025

Jeez. Seems like Loomy’s got some puppetmaster’s remorse after her unilateral firing of Fox Newshead Dr Janette Nesheiwat as the nominee to be US Surgeon General just ended up with someone otherwise completely normal within the standards of the MAGAverse but not Loomy’s own version of it. “THE INMATES ARE RUNNING THE ASYLUM”? Yeah, no shit, Laura. Just because they’re not your kind of inmates doesn’t mean you need to go all Loomer on us.

“Nonfarm business sector labor productivity decreased 0.8 percent in the first quarter of 2025, the US Bureau of Labor Statistics reported today, as output decreased 0.3 percent and hours worked increased 0.6 percent (All quarterly percent changes in this release are seasonally adjusted annualized rates). This is the first decline in nonfarm business sector labor productivity since the second quarter of 2022. From the same quarter a year ago, nonfarm business sector labor productivity increased 1.4 percent in the first quarter of 2025. Unit labor costs in the nonfarm business sector increased 5.7 percent in the first quarter of 2025, reflecting a 4.8-percent increase in hourly compensation and a 0.8-percent decrease in productivity. Unit labor costs increased 1.3 percent over the last four quarters. BLS calculates unit labor costs as the ratio of hourly compensation to labor productivity. Increases in hourly compensation tend to increase unit labor costs and increases in productivity tend to reduce them. Real hourly compensation, which takes into account consumer prices, increased 1.0 percent in the first quarter of 2025, and was unchanged over the last four quarters,” says the Bureau of Labor Statistics in the quarterly productivity update.

For comparison, Q1 2024 saw nonfarm business sector labor productivity up 0.2 percent at an annualized rate, as output up 0.9 percent, and hours worked increased by 0.6 percent over Q4 2023.

President Trump’s administration is planning a huge reveal of their plan to address American’s growing concerns over the state of the economy and the cost of living challenges they face according to Politico, who report that the White House will take the increasing unease head-on by releasing audio of former President Joe Biden’s interview with former Special Counsel Robert Hur.

The recording of Hur questioning Biden over his unintentional collection of classified documents from his time as a US Senator and the Vice President in the Obama Administration, captured on October 8, 2023, is sure to be a game-changer in the current state of American politics in May 2025, raising important questions over Biden’s mental acuity and advanced age in the second half of his presidency at a time when important questions are being raised over container ships arriving at West Coast ports half-empty after 145 percent tariffs were imposed on Chinese-made products.

It’s something of a go-to move out of Trump’s political playbook, yet it’s anything but standard given his wizard-like mastery of the media ecosystem and ability to get Americans to focus on what matters – such as Biden’s senescence in 2023 – amid a sea of distractions like Trump insisting children be happier with fewer toys while he’s making billions off a cryptocurrency scheme.

“Air Traffic problems caused by the incompetent Biden Administration, as headed by, in this case, a total novice and political hack, Pete B. I WILL FIX IT!!!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Thursday morning, still unable to explain how everything’s suddenly going to shit on his and Sean Duffy’s watch when it had been far more incident free under Joe Biden and Pete Buttigieg’s.

“‘Too Late’ Jerome Powell is a FOOL, who doesn’t have a clue. Other than that, I like him very much! Oil and Energy way down, almost all costs (groceries and ‘eggs’) down, virtually NO INFLATION, Tariff Money Pouring Into the US – THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF ‘TOO LATE!’ ENJOY!” the fat bastard posted earlier, just making shit up apparently to contrast his “leadership” with Powell’s.

Kind of a running theme this morning, that he takes no responsibility for anything.

Exclusive: Ivanka Trump plans new focus on access to fresh produce https://t.co/B1jJ6agyW0

— Axios (@axios) May 8, 2025

“During the Press Briefing on Operation SINDOOR on 07 May 2025, India had called its response as focused, measured and non-escalatory. It was specifically mentioned that Pakistani military establishments had not been targeted. It was also reiterated that any attack on military targets in India will invite a suitable response. On the night of 07-08 May 2025, Pakistan attempted to engage a number of military targets in Northern and Western India including Awantipura, Srinagar, Jammu, Pathankot, Amritsar, Kapurthala, Jalandhar, Ludhiana, Adampur, Bhatinda, Chandigarh, Nal, Phalodi, Uttarlai, and Bhuj, using drones and missiles. These were neutralised by the Integrated Counter UAS Grid and Air Defence systems. The debris of these attacks is now being recovered from a number of locations that prove the Pakistani attacks,” says the Indian Ministry of Defense on a statement.

“Today morning Indian Armed Forces targeted Air Defence Radars and systems at a number of locations in Pakistan. Indian response has been in the same domain with same intensity as Pakistan. It has been reliably learnt that an Air Defence system at Lahore has been neutralised. Pakistan has increased the intensity of its unprovoked firing across the Line of Control using Mortars and heavy calibre Artillery in areas in Kupwara, Baramulla, Uri, Poonch, Mendhar and Rajouri sectors in Jammu and Kashmir. Sixteen innocent lives have been lost, including three women and five children, due to Pakistani firing. Here too, India was compelled to respond to bring Mortar and Artillery fire from Pakistan to a halt. Indian Armed Forces reiterate their commitment to non-escalation, provided it is respected by the Pakistani military,” the statement continued, as does the fighting between the two.

At least 10 members of the cast of really dramatic and overly emotional stage show with lots of powerful singing performances that resonate with audiences and make them feel like they’re a part of the romance and expression of cries against injustice because, come on it’s SO powerful, Les Miserables have decided to stage a real-life protest against the evil forces of the Orange Overlord and are boycotting next month’s performance at the Kennedy Center, the Daily Beast reports.

Good on them. And, uh, yeah great job portraying the era of post-Napoleonic France where they spontaneously turned pitched street battles into huge musical numbers. A+ for historical accuracy, for sure. But if depriving King Orange I of the performance he desires makes him miserable, so be it.

“Big News Conference tomorrow morning at 10:00 AM, The Oval Office, concerning a MAJOR TRADE DEAL WITH REPRESENTATIVES OF A BIG, AND HIGHLY RESPECTED, COUNTRY. THE FIRST OF MANY!!!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Wednesday. Saudi Arabia must’ve bought up a shit ton of his “memecoins” or promised to execute drug dealers or some other nonsense like that.

Oh wait, the New York Times already spoiled it. The deal’s with Britain. What do we buy from them?

All of a sudden Democrats are concerned about air traffic control.

Where was this concern when Buttigieg was Secretary? pic.twitter.com/e7EyUF78j0

— Secretary Sean Duffy (@SecDuffy) May 7, 2025

“NIH is hereby providing notice that funding for the projects in the attached spreadsheet will be terminated pursuant to the National Institutes of Health (NIH) Grants Policy Statement (GPS),1 and 2 CFR § 200.340(a)(4) As reflected in the Notices of Award for the most recent budget period of these projects, the NIH Grants Policy Statement is incorporated as a term and condition of award The GPS ‘includes the terms and conditions of NIH grants and cooperative agreements and is incorporated by reference in all NIH grant and cooperative agreement awards’ According to the GPS, ‘NIH may … terminate the grant in whole or in part as outlined in 2 CFR Part 200.340’ At the time the Notices of Award were issued for the most recent budget period, 2 CFR § 200.340(a)(4) permitted termination ‘[b]y the Federal awarding agency or pass-through entity, to the greatest extent authorized by law, if an award no longer effectuates the program goals or agency priorities’ These awards no longer effectuate agency priorities NIH is obligated to carefully steward grant awards to ensure taxpayer dollars are used in ways that benefit the American people and improve their quality of life.”

“Your project does not satisfy these criteria NIH is responsible for ensuring that its limited resources are appropriately allocated NIH policy is that grant dollars should support institutions that foster safe, equal, and healthy working and learning conditions conducive to high-quality research and free inquiry NIH policy is also that grant dollars should only support institutions that comply with principles and laws of nondiscrimination,” writes some Trump Reichsminister in a notice to Harvard University President Alan Garber, using a bullshit claim of “antisemitism” as the pretext to cut off what the Daily Mail reports is $2.2 billion in federal research grants. And so it begins.

“We are making great progress on ‘The One, Big, Beautiful Bill.’ Our Economy is doing well, but it’s going to BOOM in a way never seen before. We are going to do NO TAX ON TIPS, NO TAX ON SENIORS’ SOCIAL SECURITY, NO TAX ON OVERTIME, and much more. It will be the biggest Tax Cut for Middle and Working Class Americans by far, and it is time for Main Street to WIN. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Wednesday as his instant political gratification sees difficulties in getting passed before the full impact of his incompetence is felt.

Complianing about the Liberal Party’s win in last week’s Canadian federal elections, super famous and important podcaster Joe Rogan ripped into now-former MP and Conservative leader Pierre Poilievre for not coming on his show on Wednesday, seemingly implying that the “dumbass” Tories would’ve won a majority if Poilievre had, the New York Post reports, complaining specifically about the Libs remaining in power after their response to the 2022 Clustertruck anti-COVID vax protest.

“People who donated to [the Clusertruckers] got their bank accounts frozen,” Rogan marveled as he recalled the “insane” incident. “And then that same party just won again. Good job, Canada!” Turning his attention to Poilievre’s no-show, Rogan claimed he’d extended an invite. “I offered to have that Pierre guy come on the podcast. He didn’t do it. Wouldn’t do it. Thought it was too problematic. Or whatever,” Rogan claimed, adding a source told him “his advisers were telling him not to do it.”

“Like, hey, dumbaass,” Rogan added, without mentioning whether a similar invitation had been extended to Carney. “I would just ask him questions like, ‘What’s wrong with Canada,'” Rogan continued ranting about Poilievre’s lack of respect for the bald, conspiracy-minded podcaster’s vast influence. “‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Why did it go this way? What can be done to reverse some of these things that have been put into place?’ Like, ‘How did you feel about this? What would you have done differently?’ Real simple stuff. I don’t know anything about Canada’s politics.” Yeah, no shit.

“It would’ve been fun,” Rogan said, still smarting from the evident wound to his ego. There’s nothing stopping Rogan from reissuing the invite now that the election’s over, yet the foreclosed past tense makes it clear it’s been rescinded as there’s no longer any point to it in his small, polluted mind.