As expected, complete dullard Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville on Tuesday launched his campaign for the governorship of his third-world country of a state, NBC News reports. It’s not clear if whoever runs to replace him will be dumber and more racist, but it’s Alabama, so probably.

“On May 21, 2025, at approximately 10:10 PM, the Osceola County Sheriff’s Office responded to a shooting incident at the Checkers restaurant at 5780 W Irlo Bronson Memorial Highway, Kissimmee, FL. The shooting involved a customer, Wesley Robertson (victim), and an employee identified as twenty-three-year-old Elijah Travis Mackey (suspect). The investigation revealed that while working, Elijah Mackey engaged in a verbal dispute with Wesley Robertson regarding his food order. The confrontation escalated, leading Elijah Mackey to shoot Wesley Robertson. The victim was transported to Osceola Regional Medical Center, where he ultimately succumbed to his injuries.”

“On May 22, 2025, the Osceola County Sheriff’s Office Homicide Unit obtained an arrest warrant for Elijah Travis Mackey, charging him with first-degree premeditated murder. He was subsequently arrested and booked into the Osceola County Jail,” says the Osceola County, Florida Sheriff’s Office.

A witness told station WESH the fight started when Robertson asked for mayonnaise packets.

Vox populi, vox dei. CNBC reports that European sales of Teslas dropped 49 percent in April 2025 from the same month a year prior as the bill for Ketamine Brain’s fascist insanity came due.

“Effective immediately, in preparation for an expansion of required social media screening and vetting, consular sections should not add any additional student or exchange visitor (F, M and J) visa appointment capacity until further guidance is issued,” wrote Suckretary of State Marco Rubio in a cable issued to all embassies worldwide on Tuesday, fucking shit up for students, per Bloomberg.

Guys, guys! Oh man. The upcoming HBO Harry Potter TV reboot series’s Hermoine Granger actress is brown. Holy shit. You can read the article about it on IGN. Wow. Holy hell the MAGA kids are going to freak the fuck out because this wasn’t supposed to happen anymore. Like America voted against this, for real. Oh no, they’re going to send a little girl death threats for not getting the message about that, aren’t they? This is really insulting to right wing fans of family-friendly wizard fantasy worlds.

“What Vladimir Putin doesn’t realize is that if it weren’t for me, lots of really bad things would have already happened to Russia, and I mean REALLY BAD. He’s playing with fire!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Tuesday, obviously REALLY upset his dom isn’t responding to his pleas.

Former nursing home exec Paul Walczak is off the hook for 18 months in federal prison and $4.4 million he was hit with after pleading guilty to embezzling money earmarked for employees to fund a lavish lifestyle, just days before he was due to report to the clink last month. His secret? Getting his mom to write a $1 million check to convicted felon President Trump’s political operation at a Mar-a-Lago fundraising dinner last month, according to the New York Times, who write that Walczak’s pardon application, submitted January 20th, was much heavier on his family’s connections to Trump than it was anything about his actual case. He also mentioned how his mom, Elizabeth Fago, had helped fund the ultimately failed effort to publicize Ashley Biden’s stolen diary in late 2020.

Walczak waited anxiously for months but heard nothing as his April reporting deadline approached. The Times writes that Fago was then invited to the early April Mar-a-Lago shindig where she handed the Orange God Emperor the check. It’s not clear from the reporting whether – the Times may not actually know what if any causal connection there was – the invite was issued by Team Trump with the full knowledge that Fago’s dipshit son was begging for a pardon, but it’s hard to look at the sequence and see it as certainly at least more likely than not, that the was indeed the intent.

But let’s hear more about how corrupt it was for Joe Biden to pardon Anthony Fauci and Liz Cheney.

Hmmmm… This shouldn’t be a thing right? Kind of like how Secretary Dog Murderer shilled for that teeth whitening clinic in Texas while she was Governor of South Dakota it’s prooooooobably not strictly legal for her, now as a sitting member of the cabinet of the president of the United States, to be speaking at cock-grabber Matt Schlapp’s CPAC event in goddamned Poland. Isn’t it?

A new COVID variant without an easy-enough-to-remember Greek letter assigned to it is spreading in the United States, CBS News reports on the same day Bobby Brainworms proudly announced that the CDC would stop recommending booster shots for the virus for pregnant women and young kids.

Convicted felon President Trump’s top minions have “lost confidence in an investigation that Pete Hegseth used to justify firing three top aides last month, after advisers were told that the aides had supposedly been outed by an illegal warrantless National Security Agency (NSA) wiretap,” writes the Guardian’s Hugo Lowell in a new report detailing some pretty messed up shit going on within the top echelons of the reich as Jaydee and others are unsure whether or the wiretap actually happened.

Best try to go in a straight line here: Republican lawyer Tim Parlatore had been a regular on Trump’s legal squad until May 2023, he quit just three weeks before the fat bastard was indicted for stealing classified documents from the White House. It might’ve had something to do with the fact that Parlatore was a witness and had testified to a grand jury the previous December. He then reemerged late last year as white nationalist alcoholic Pete Hegseth’s personal attorney when the former Fox News host was facing some difficulties getting confirmed. He’s still on retainer with Hegseth and talks to the White House regularly. Asked to explain why Petey Pee Pants fired his senior adviser, Dan Caldwell, former deputy chief of staff Darin Selnick, and the deputy defense secretary’s chief of staff Colin Carroll after an investigation into who leaked to NBC News in March that they were wargaming on plans to launch an attack on Panama and retake the canal.

BREAKING: Supreme Court declines to review free speech case involving student who wore 'only two genders' shirt pic.twitter.com/af6TON1tOZ

— Fox News (@FoxNews) May 27, 2025

“California, under the leadership of Radical Left Democrat Gavin Newscum, continues to ILLEGALLY allow ‘MEN TO PLAY IN WOMEN’S SPORTS.’ This week a transitioned Male athlete, at a major event, won ‘everything,’ and is now qualified to compete in the ‘State Finals’ next weekend. As a Male, he was a less than average competitor. As a Female, this transitioned person is practically unbeatable.”

“THIS IS NOT FAIR, AND TOTALLY DEMEANING TO WOMEN AND GIRLS. Please be hereby advised that large scale Federal Funding will be held back, maybe permanently, if the Executive Order on this subject matter is not adhered to. The Governor, himself, said it is ‘UNFAIR.’ I will speak to him today to find out which way he wants to go??? In the meantime I am ordering local authorities, if necessary, to not allow the transitioned person to compete in the State Finals. This is a totally ridiculous situation!!!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Tuesday, not even bothering to name the which sport’s “major event” it was or the level the alleged trans athlete was competing in.

The fat campy drag queen-ish president also confused executive orders with laws, since defying an executive order is by definition not “ILLEGAL.” If it was, he could just send the FBI, rather than “ordering local authorities” to show up an incite a riot at some high school girls’ lacrosse game or whatever the fuck it was he saw in some QAnon fan’s video in his Truth Social feed.

“For those asking… Even though I initially considered the prospect of petitioning the president with a pardon application I have seized [sic] that approach as I will not spend the last 61 days I have of life scrambling on how to get past a bunch of guard dogs. The so called ‘friends’ I have that said they’d help legit should have just told me to go fuck myself, because that’s what has essentially happened with their actions. I’ve accepted my fate and don’t want to talk about it anymore,” tweeted George Santos on Monday in what was apparently his valedictory post on Ketamine Brain’s social media platform, according to the Latin Times. His account’s definitely been deleted and likely of his own volition as it says “This account doesn’t exist,” rather than “This account has been suspended.”

The notorious fabulist Republican/expelled former Long Island Congressman had last week informed National Zero that he hadn’t heard back from the White House on his quest to escape a seven-plus year bid for which he must report to federal prison officials by July 25th, but apparently he never bothered to fill out the paperwork. Convicted felon President Trump on Monday pardoned some corrupt former Virginia sheriff who sold $75,000 worth of deputy badges to wannabe cops.

“Plaintiff National Public Radio, Inc (NPR) and Plaintiffs Roaring Fork PublicRadio, Inc d/b/a Aspen Public Radio (Aspen Public Radio), Colorado Public Radio (CPR), andKUTE, Inc d/b/a KSUT Public Radio (KSUT) (together, the Local Member Stations) bring this action to challenge an Executive Order that violates the expressed will of Congress and the FirstAmendment’s bedrock guarantees of freedom of speech, freedom of the press, and freedom of association, and also threatens the existence of a public radio system that millions of Americans across the country rely on for vital news and information,” says the intro to a lawsuit filed Monday against the Orange God Emperor.

Even if the quote in the headline said “snake” or “German Shepherd” instead of “alligator” and “cocaine” instead of “meth,” you still probably would’ve guessed it was Florida. Per WFLA, those were the exact words of Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd at a press conference following the fatal shooting of 42 year-old local meth user Tim Schulz. “The fact that he was bitten by an alligator significantly and still continued his rampage is shocking but if you’re on enough meth, the person you see is not the person that’s attacking,” said Judd, explaining the events leading up to his deputies blasting Schulz as he ran at them with a pair of gardening shears. “Our deputies tried to deescalate. We also tried to tase him on two different occasions and he continued charging them.”

Schulz’s fatal misadventure was set in motion at around 6 AM Monday when a convenience store clerk in Lakeland called the sheriff’s department to report that Schulz had been behaving erratically in the shop but he had left the premises before they arrived. About 40 minutes later several nearby residents called to report seeing a man swimming through a lake known to be infested with alligators. “A witness tried to throw him a life preserver and another witness reported Schulz growling at them when they tried to help,” WFLA writes with typical MSM understatement.

Complete sack-licker David Sacks, who serves as the Orange God Emperor’s crypto and AI expert, over the weekend told three other white guys who host a regular circlejerk podcast called “All In,” that the GOP’s “Big Beautiful Bill” will cut $880 billion in Medicaid benefits disbursed over the next decade, which is something that he wasn’t actually supposed to say. He still seems cool with it however, since the whole point is to transfer wealth upward from Republican voters and the rural hospitals they rely on so Sacks and these other twats can get a tax cut and buy more Cybertrucks.

A renowned Harvard Business School behavioral scientist was stripped of tenure last week after a board investigation determined she had manipulated data in numerous, widely-cited studies and papers she had published on the topics of, per the New York Post, “cheating, lying, and dishonesty.”

Yeah. It’s not clear if Francesca Gino’s body of work is itself some sort of larger meta-scheme in which she’s teaching a grander lesson on the value of honesty or something. She doesn’t seem to think so as in 2024, after being placed on leave, she filed a $25 million lawsuit against Harvard, Harvard Business School Dean Srikant Datar, and a group of bloggers who had exposed her fraud.

A Boston federal judge tossed the case last September. Gino’s firing comes at maybe not the best time for Harvard’s public image given certain other external threats to its operational capacity.

An Australian guy is sooooo fucked after cops in Bali, Indonesia raided his rental house and found 3.7 lbs of cocaine last week, something that’s bad enough to be caught with anywhere but often a capital offense in the vast Southeast Asian archipelago, the Associated Press reports.

Cairns, Queensland native Lamar Aaron Ahchee, 43, “is suspected of importing or distributing class 1 narcotics,” Bali Police Chief Daniel Adityajaya told a news conference in the provincial capital, Denpasar. “He is threatened with the death penalty or life imprisonment.” Ahchee was paraded out for media wearing an orange jumpsuit during the press conference. He did not speak to reporters.

In the likely event he’s convicted and sentenced to the firing squad, Ahchee would join 96 other foreigners, most of them also convicted of drug offenses, on Indonesia’s death row. Fellow Aussies Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran were executed in 2015 for smuggling heroin.

In related but far less grim news also out of Bali, a 32 year-old British man who apparently was conned into accepting a package full of ecstasy was sentenced to six months. Still kind of shitty.