From Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry’s Thursday state of emergency declaration over software issues at the “OMV,” which is Louisianan for “DMV”: “WHEREAS, the OMV has consistently experienced system outages, leading to the closure of field offices and preventing public tag agents from processing driver’s licenses, vehicle registrations, and reinstatement transactions; WHEREAS, the OMV application and database are over 50 years old and operate on more than 400 programs written in a programming language that is over 60 years old, making support options both limited and costly due to its outdated and complex nature,” and blah blah blah lots of angry bitching.

Yes, this seems exceedingly dry even for filler at National Zero. Yes, it’s so on-brand for a Republican politician to act like such a drama queen over the realities of inertia in the real world after having campaigned on easy fixes. The state of emergency does at least actually waive late fees for expired registrations and maybe declaring it was the only legal way to do that, but whatever.

It’s not the declaration that’s newsworthy so much as the armageddon of embarrassment that a crisis in the state’s “OMV” platform could unleash, all foretold in a silly “MAGA Land” article here from a few months ago: Masturbators in Louisiana need to install and link their ID to the state’s driver’s license app, a fancy new piece of technology that, according to Landry, apparently sits on top of a house of COBOL cards built in the 1970s. There’s no direct unambiguous mention of cybersecurity in the declaration but just given the whole setup, there’s a non-zero chance that either now when the “crisis” point has hit or soon when state IT personnel start mainlining Vyvanse and Red Bull to unfuck the system, that there’s going to be some breach exposing which license holders used it to access porn, maybe even what their tastes are. Maybe we’ll see what Mike Johnson’s son already has via CovenantEyes. Maybe Clay Higgins’s kinks will surface. Maybe we don’t want to know.

“Congressman Comer and his staff are always accessible and encourage constituents in Kentucky’s 1st District to contact our offices with any federal issues they may be experiencing. The protestors outside of the Paducah office have met with the Congressman’s staff on 4 different occasions and their concerns are documented. Congressman Comer does not plan on holding therapy sessions for left-wing activists suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome,” is House Oversight Chairbilly James Comer’s staff’s response to protestors dressed like chickens calling him too chickenshit to hold a town hall in his Kentucky district, per WPSD. So yeah, they were right.

We’re now at the point where the Trump Regime is using their “mandate” line to defend prices going up for no actually good reason, despite the entire fucking campaign being all about how prices were too high and that Trump was the answer to the Biden Administration’s handling of it.

Putting right up front in the headline that it’s “a possible worrying sign for the economy,” CNN reports that delivery service DoorDash is partnering with “buy now, pay later” lender Klarna to offer the option on your food from local restaurants. And yeah, “worrying sign” is probably the right feeling even if maybe this is not really the market itself asking for this so much both companies trying to force it onto the market. Like is this a good thing for some broke-ass 23 year-old stoner without the impulse control to avoid ordering Taco Bell at fucking 190 percent the walk-in price?

In the moment, yes, but in the longer-run of freaking course not. Plus that “Oh I only have two payments left on my dozen eggs” joke really didn’t need to be actually possible in real life.

Namibia, a country once considered non-woke enough to elect a dude literally named “Adolf Hitler” just a few years ago, has gone full DEI and on Friday inaugurated 72 year-old Black woman Netumbo Nandi-Ndaitwah to serve as its first female and fifth Black president since independence from South Africa in 1990, the AP reports. Yeah there have only been five Namibian presidents, but whatever.

Can’t even keep the woke DEI sarcasm going, just lamenting that Namibians can have nice things but Americans not indoctrinated into an authoritarian death cult cannot. Lucky bastards.

The “malicious compliance” line is how wife-beater sado-torture fetishist Sean Parnell explains why web pages about Jackie Robinson’s service in the US Army was removed from the Pentagon’s website, which basically means that if the remit was to remove content that highlights the contributions of anyone other than white heterosexual men from the history of the US military then the removal of pics of the Enola Gay was sabotage by a troll intent on making the Reich look fucking stupid and childish with their anti-“DEI” crusade. Whether or not whoever removed Jackie Robinson, Enola Gay, and other content from the sites was doing so “maliciously” is kind of besides the point because the result is the same and requires this astonishingly mind-boggling batshit spin.

So yeah, that’s where we’re at right now. The natural endpoint of this Maoist purge becomes the pretext of a claim that it’s being thwarted by the subterfuge of “woke” fifth columnists.

The Trump Golden Age™ continued Friday as the Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped 351 points and the S&P 500 headed for its fifth consecutive losing week within minutes of the opening bell on the New York Stock Exchange, CNBC reports while blaming the person most responsible for it.

“Companies are increasingly citing confusion and uncertainty around their planning, capital spending, and hiring decisions – and when they pause, it means that they’re slowing down,” said egghead Mike Green at Simplify Asset Management. “There’s an element of that playing out.”

Another gloomy bellwether came from FedEx’s earnings outlook, the shipper’s shares taking an 11 percent hit after cutting its profit forecast due to – you guessed it – uncertainty over tariffs.

“From crafting pixel-perfect replicas of our Golden Arches and world-famous menu items, to stacking block upon block into full-on restaurants, fans have been building their love for McDonald’s into Minecraft for years. Now, inspired by their imagination – and the global big screen adventure, A Minecraft Movie, debuting in theaters April 4 – we’re bringing the game’s cinematic world to McDonald’s. Introducing, A Minecraft Movie Meal and A Minecraft Movie Happy Meal, dropping together for the first time ever at McDonald’s restaurants nationwide,” McDonald’s announced Thursday in a triumphal press release celebrating the new marketing partnership.

“Starting April 1, for a limited time, McDonald’s is entering the portal for an epic collaboration, and the meals are only the beginning. Fans can also take their creativity to the next level with access to digital experiences, custom-designed collectibles and much more – only at McDonald’s. Build Your World…And Your Meal: A Minecraft Movie Meal features your choice of a Big Mac® or 10-pc Chicken McNuggets® plus medium fries and a drink, and a limited-edition collectible. Fans who enjoy the 10-pc Chicken McNuggets Meal also get to spice things up with Nether Flame Sauce – a limited-edition hot sauce inspired by The Nether – with crushed red pepper and flaming cayenne, balanced with hints of garlic and sweetness. Fans who want an extra kick can also add the sauce to their favorite McDonald’s order,” the release continued. See, “The Nether” is a hellish alternate dimension in the Minecraft game world that can only be accessed by special portals and it’s populated by these weird anthropomorphic pigs that are friendly if you’re wearing an armor component made of gold…

Jesus Christ this is pretty fucking hard to come up with something, anything, to use for an article that isn’t somehow related to fat rapey orange racist you-know-who and pasty pale ketamine addicted hair plugs fucks random women with the specific intent of impregnating them you-know-who. So what if it’s basically a free, non-payola ad for McMinecraft movie something? Fuck.

Fox News was really laying it on thick this morning, working to incite outrage among its viewers and making attacks on Tesla dealerships into attacks on them with this shit about a former Dem Congressman trying to stay relevant by condemning the firebombings to the blonde host claiming that, at “100 percent,” Musk’s the most American-made vehicles ahead of Ford – which is bullshit because last week an unknown actor within Tesla penned a letter to US trade representative Jamieson Greer warning that the company’s supply chain faces significant exposure to tariffs.

One particularly racist and sedentary viewer responded enthusiastically, posting “I look forward to watching the sick terrorist thugs get 20 year jail sentences for what they are doing to Elon Musk and Tesla. Perhaps they could serve them in the prisons of El Salvador, which have become so recently famous for such lovely conditions!” It’s not clear yet why this viewer has not taken the whole news cycle to its natural next step by asserting that members of Venezuelan prison gang Tren de Aragua are somehow behind the firebombings. Might as well go full circle here, right?

“‘Elon Musk will be briefed by the Pentagon about the USA’s top secret plans against China should there be a War,’according to the Failing New York Times, one of the worst and most purposely inaccurate newspapers anywhere in the World. Their FAKE concept for this story is that because Elon does some business in China, that he is very conflicted and would immediately go to top Chinese officials and ‘spill the beans.’ RATINGS CHALLENGED FAKE NEWS CNN immediately picked up on this absolutely ridiculous and false story, which is probably libelous, and went heavy with it.”

“Fortunately, nobody was watching! Maggot Hagerman, the really dumb ‘scammer’ who constantly writes about me for the Times, using anonymous, made up (nonexistent!) sources, and who I haven’t spoken to in ages, is a big part of the Scam. She lead the Russia, Russia, Russia Hoax, only to realize that she was duped and got it wrong. She owes me a totally discredited Pulitzer Prize for her bad reporting. The Fake News is the ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE… And Elon is NOT BEING BRIEFED ON ANYTHING CHINA BY THE DEPARTMENT OF WAR!!!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Friday, still having a meltdown over the New York Times and Wall Street Journal’s reporting.

The “Department of War” was renamed the Department of Defense by an act of Congress in 1947, so who knows what the hell kind of psychotic episode he’s having. Anyway, it’s one thing to be trying to shoot a story down, it’s another to be clearly freaking the fuck out over it the way Trump, Leon, Petey Pee Pants, that piece of shit Sean Parnell, and other propagandists have been since the story first broke. It’s like they’re mobilizing the Department of Defensiveness.

A fire at a nearby power substation brought London’s Heathrow Airport – one of the busiest in the world – to a complete halt on Friday, causing absolute fucking chaos for international air travel, affecting more than 1,350 flights, the BBC reports. Counter-terrorism cops are investigating the fire – which is still burning – but there’s no indication yet as to whether it was deliberately set.

Acting Social Security Administrator Commissioner Leland Dudek, a guy who until February was a middle manager in IT who betrayed his coworkers at the agency by opening its doors to Elon Musk and was rewarded with the top post until Trump nominee Frank Bisignano’s confirmation, responded Thursday to a federal court’s ruling barring Team Ketamine from accessing the records of every American by warning he could just brick the entire system, Bloomberg reports.

At issue for Dudek is how Judge Ellen Lipton Hollander worded her order barring “DOGE affiliates” from accessing the data. “My anti-fraud team would be DOGE affiliates. My IT staff would be DOGE affiliates. As it stands, I will follow it exactly and terminate access by all SSA employees to our IT systems,” Dudek said, explaining that he wants the judge to clarify her order. “Really, I want to turn it off and let the courts figure out how they want to run a federal agency,” Dudek added ominously

The New York Times is pure propaganda.

Also, I look forward to the prosecutions of those at the Pentagon who are leaking maliciously false information to NYT.

They will be found. pic.twitter.com/xANvLMOH5j

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) March 21, 2025

Anyway the Wall Street Journal backed up the Times’s reporting.

“People that get caught sabotaging Teslas will stand a very good chance of going to jail for up to twenty years, and that includes the funders. WE ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!!!” posted convicted felon former President Trump late Thursday and it’s very possible the fucking idiot acutally believes this.

Faye Nemer, the CEO of the Dearborn, Michigan Middle East and North African-American Chamber of Commerce, who last month demanded and of course never got an apology from convicted felon President Trump over the batshit insane “Trump Gaza” AI slop video he posted, tells the New York Times she’s been “receiving a lot of hate mail,” over her support for the fat fuck – that she still holds.

Nemer “still supports Mr Trump’s domestic policies, but is aghast at his handling of the Middle East and smarting from the backlash she and other Trump supporters are receiving,” the Times writes, then quoting her as saying “Anyone who demonstrated any support for President Trump,” she said, “is completely ostracized” from the local Arab-American/Muslim community in southeast Michigan.

“Unlawful Nationwide Injunctions by Radical Left Judges could very well lead to the destruction of our Country! These people are Lunatics, who do not care, even a little bit, about the repercussions from their very dangerous and incorrect Decisions and Rulings. Lawyers endlessly search the United States for these Judges, and file lawsuits as quickly as they find them. It is then the obligation of Law abiding Agencies of Government to have these ‘Orders’ overturned. The danger is unparalleled!”

“These Judges want to assume the Powers of the Presidency, without having to attain 80 Million Votes. They want all of the advantages with none of the risks. Again, a President has to be allowed to act quickly and decisively about such matters as returning murderers, drug lords, rapists, and other such type criminals back to their Homeland, or to other locations that will allow our Country to be SAFE. It is our goal to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, and such a high aspiration can never be done if Radical and Highly Partisan Judges are allowed to stand in the way of JUSTICE. STOP NATIONWIDE INJUNCTIONS NOW, BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE. If Justice Roberts and the United States Supreme Court do not fix this toxic and unprecedented situation IMMEDIATELY, our Country is in very serious trouble!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Thursday evening.

Hitler was big into amphetamines too. Loved them. Gave him a lot of the energy and focus he needed to rant endlessly at his generals for letting the Allies and the Russians win lots of battles.

From a banger of a press release by the Kane County, Illinois State’s Attorney’s office:

“Kane County State’s Attorney Jamie L Mosser announced today that her office will not pursue criminal charges against St Charles police officers involved in the fatal shooting of 41 year-old Daniel Escalera. The Illinois State Police conducted a thorough investigation of Escalera’s shooting, which was presented to the Kane County State’s Attorney’s Office pursuant to the Police and Community Relations Improvement Act 50 ILCS 727. Officials examined body worn camera audio and video recordings, statements from witnesses to the events, physical evidence from the scene of the shooting, and the results of an autopsy. Based on that investigation, the State’s Attorney’s Office found no wrongdoing on the part of the officers and the review of the matter is considered closed.”

“The investigation determined that on December 1, 2024, a 911 caller reported seeing Escalera wielding a chainsaw entering River Glen of St Charles, a senior living facility. St Charles Police Department officers were dispatched. The first officer to arrive made contact with Escalera inside the facility at the doorway to the cafeteria. He was near multiple residents. The officer displayed his taser and gave multiple verbal commands for Escalera to drop the chainsaw. Escalera entered the cafeteria and started the chainsaw. The officer deployed his taser, striking Escalera in the chest.”

“Escalera was briefly knocked down before getting back up, grabbing the chainsaw, and then running toward the officer. The officer retreated into the lobby and was joined by a second St Charles Police officer. Both officers quickly returned to the cafeteria and a third officer followed Escalera through a secondary doorway of the cafeteria and eventually back into the lobby, where Escalera held the chainsaw over his head and charged toward the officer.”

A Maryland federal judge on Thursday temporarily blocked ketamine-brained scumbag Elon Musk’s DOGE incels from accessing Americans’ Social Security records, CNBC reports.

Tennessee MAGA Congressman John “Groomer” Rose on Thursday launched officially launched his campaign for governor of the Volunteer State to succeed the term-limited Billy “Confederate Cosplayer” Lee, running on a message of being a “conservative outsider” and yeah his website literally fucking says that in the “Meet John” section of the homepage, lol. For all the bullshit and lies and demagoguery surrounding and emanating from Donald Trump’s career in politics, you can’t really say that, in his first run and term at least, that the “outsider” label wasn’t actually true. This fucker Rose – in his fourth term in Congress – just brands himself that on his website, without anything to back it up, simply because it sounds more MAGA than “currently elected politician.”

As for the “groomer” thing, it’s been fairly well documented here but no harm in self-plagiarizing from past articles: Rose started dating his wife in 2007 when she was a 17 year old high school student and a member of the Future Farmers of America and he was a 42 year old tech entrepreneur and Tennessee Vice Chairman for FFA. They were married four years later, while she was still an undergrad in college (they still are and have at least two kids). The Republican Acting Attorney General of Alaska resigned in 2021 after being implicated in statutory rape in which both he and the victim were similarly dispositioned with Sniffen in 1989 a 27 year-old coach of a mock trial team and his victim a 17 year-old student, a felony under Alaska law given the student-teacher/coach relationship and one that Sniffen could’ve been charged with if not for changes to the statute of limitations in the mid-1990s. Rose might even be liable for prosecution until 2032 under a similar Tennessee statute, even though there’s no way in hell a local DA would go after him.

Campaign rivals would do well to see it differently. Hopefully Rose lives to regret sticking his head up and going for the governor’s mansion with his Millennial-borderline-Gen Zer wife in tow.