“Enjoy soup like never before – Progresso™, your go-to for comforting, premium soups, is innovating beyond expectations this cold and flu season with the launch of the first-ever limited-edition Soup Drops. What’s a Soup Drop? Well, it’s soup you can suck on, of course! While most folks flock to the cough drop aisle at the first sign of a cold, Progresso is here to say, ‘Hold my spoon!’ Progresso Soup Drops deliver the classic, hearty flavor of Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup in a format that will definitely SOUPrise fans – it’s a convenient hard candy drop – reminding you of the comfort you can find in a bowl of Progresso Soup. These savory drops are arriving for a limited time this month for National Soup Month, right at the height of cold and flu season. Now, there’s no spoon needed to dive into the classic taste of the iconic Progresso Traditional Chicken Noodle Soup, but you certainly can reach for the real thing if you’re looking for that feeling of a hug in a bowl!” says General Mills in a press release, and yeah they’re fucking serious with this “soup you can suck on,” um, candy.

The release continues with a quote from General Mills Progresso Unit VP Maria Comings. “For decades, Progresso Soup has brought you cozy comfort on chilly days or when you’re under the weather. When you’re sick, nothing is truly more reassuring than Chicken Noodle Soup. So, we thought, why stop at the soup bowl? We took the beloved flavors of our Progresso Chicken Noodle Soup and packed them into a fun, savory candy Soup Drop for a totally new way to enjoy the taste you love whenever and wherever you want,” said Comings. It’s not clear if this was her idea or what.

Sources tell the Wall Street Journal that executives at Paramount recently held a meeting where they floating settling with convicted felon President-Elect Trump over the lawsuit he filed against subsidiary CBS demanding $10 billion for “election interference” because they supposedly deceptively edited the 60 Minutes interview with Vice President Kamala Harris – the traditional election year double interview for both candidates that Trump pussied out of doing.

Naturally the settlement would have nothing to do with the merits of the complaint itself but because Paramount is eyeing a merger with Skydance Media, a film studio founded by tech billionaire Larry Ellison’s son. “It’s become clear to executives at both companies that Trump’s dissatisfaction with CBS News will make the review tougher than they anticipated, and that they’ll likely need to offer concessions to win approval,” the Journal writes, citing sources familiar.

It need not be written, but nevertheless this appeasement bid is some Viktor Orban-level shit.

In DC. The new @realDonaldTrump term can't come soon enough. The West needs it. pic.twitter.com/mlzJuUPGxt

— Liz Truss (@trussliz) January 17, 2025

In a passage clipped by the Washington Times, House Oversight Chairbilly James Comer writes in his lame new book that he “told [other dumbass Committee Chair Jim] Jordan that I despised Raskin so much I would trade ranking members with him. I would rather smell shit for five straight hours than listen to Jamie Raskin lie like a dog! To properly understand that juxtaposition, you need to ride in an elevator for a few floors with Jim Jordan’s ranking member, Jerry Nadler.”

In another section about the Hunter Biden deposition, Comer writes that Dem Eric Swalwell “popped off one of his usual smart-ass remarks demanding the terms he wanted, and I quickly snapped back, ‘I don’t care what you want, Eric.’ As I was attempting to restore order, Judiciary ranking member Jerry Nadler, who had already filled the room with his signature essence, Eau de Truck Stop Restroom, swelled with emotion (or something equally noxious) and cried forth, ‘Well, I care!’”

A former mayoral candidate in the small southern German town of Loßburg claimes was savagely beaten by a group of six men dressed as members of an ancient cult of pagan witches as he exited a carnival celebration earlier this month, the Telegraph reports on the ongoing witch hunt.

Alexander Kebeck, 43, who launched his political career after being fired as the general manager of a national supermarket’s local branch for refusing to order his team to wear masks on the job during the pandemic (hence the “Corona rebel” branding), got his ass kicked in both the 2020 and 2024 mayoral elections in Loßburg and its larger jurisdiction of Freudenstadt, respectively, and then got his ass kicked by men dressed as “Heimbach-Hexa” carnival witches this year, per Merkur.

“A witch jumped from behind and hit me in the back, brutally knocking me to the ground. Then a total of six witches kicked me,” Kebeck told German tabloid Bild, adding that several of his ribs were left broken. For its part, the Hexa have denied involvement and are cooperating fully with cops on the witch hunt. “Our association strongly rejects violence, hatred and incitement,” a Hexa member said. “We stand behind the motto for every carnival fool: For everyone’s joy, for no one’s suffering.”

It should be noted that this “association’s” costumes are hideous and scary as fuck.

Convicted felon President Trump’s minions tell CNN’s Kaitlan Collins that they’re moving his swearing-in ceremony to inside the Capitol rotunda due to the extreme cold and icy conditions forecasted for DC Monday, with a low of 11 degrees and a high of only 23 degrees – plus wind chills as low as the single digits – all coming after rain and snow hit the region Sunday.

Stating the obvious, earlier reporting from the New York Times mentions that with this move, the number of attendees will be reduced dramatically, but did not get into the weeds about whether that excludes any of the invitees who would’ve been sitting on the stage outside the Capitol. A photo of John F Kennedy’s repose in the rotunda makes it appear as though MAYBE a thousand could fit if standing. Nobody’s going to want to stand for 90+ minutes of Trump rambling angrily.

Unfortunately dropped the ball on this so joining the late dog murderer South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem’s confirmation hearing to lead the Department of Homeland Security very late.

Sources tell the Cook Political Report that Ohio Governor Mike DeWine will appoint Lt Gov Jon Husted to replace couchfucker JD Vance in the Senate. Assclown Vivek Ramaswamy was supposedly in the mix but may have declined to run for governor himself in 2026.

The US Senate on Friday passed the Laken Riley Act by at least 61 votes. The law allows undocumented immigrants to be detained by ICE if arrested for petty crimes like shoplifting.

The US Supreme Court on Friday upheld the Biden Administration’s ban on Chinese-made social media app TikTok, despite convicted felon President-Elect Trump trying pushing back against it.

“I just spoke to Chairman Xi Jinping of China. The call was a very good one for both China and the USA. It is my expectation that we will solve many problems together, and starting immediately.”

“We discussed balancing Trade, Fentanyl, TikTok, and many other subjects. President Xi and I will do everything possible to make the World more peaceful and safe!” posted convicted felon President-Elect Trump on Friday, happy to have been flattered and worked by the communist dictator.

Chinese Communist soybean processors have been turning away from US suppliers in favor of Brazil’s cheaper product in what Reuters reports is a preemptive strike against convicted felon President-Elect Trump’s anticipated trade war, at the expense of American farmers.

“Chinese crushers are now booking Brazilian cargoes for February and March shipment,” a trader in Singapore told Reuters. “Both state-owned and private crushers, all of them are taking Brazilian beans. It is a 100 percent shift to Brazil.” The US share of soybean supply to China’s state-owned and “private” industries has been steadily declining over the years, as in 2016 it was 40 percent, now down to 18 percent in 2024, even though nobody has done more for farmers than Trump, lol.

All this said, Reuters notes that beyond the not-absolutely-massive price difference of $420/ton for Brazilian soybeans vs $451/ton American there’s one key advantage US farmers have, at least as far as the Chicom government is concerned: “While private buyers turn to Brazilian supplies, traders said state stockpiler Sinograin is still in the market for US soybeans, which are preferred for stockpiling due to their higher oil content,” they write. Question now is how sticky is that preference for “higher oil content” if Trump demands even more hardship for his loyal farmers.

BREAKING NEWS: Rep. Mike Lawler tells Maria he's looking into a run for New York Governor pic.twitter.com/VW5hBK95MS

— Mornings with Maria (@MorningsMaria) January 17, 2025

An anonymous House Republican tells NOTUS that Budget Committee Chair Jodey Arrington’s list of massive proposed spending cuts laid out in a memo circulated last week – $2.3 trillion off Medicaid, $479 billion off Medicare, $151 billion off the Affordable Care Act, $468 billion from Biden’s climate policies, among other draconian cuts – are like “a list a kid would send to Santa when he was five.”

“I want a pony, I want an airplane, I want a truck,” the member continued, basically calling the chair mentally retarded and there’s no chance of getting 218 votes for a budget with any of that shit.

“He is all over the place and doesn’t understand what the fuck he’s doing,” a “senior GOP aide” said of Arrington. It’s not clear why the dullard Texan still holds the important post given that two years ago Kevin McCarthy told allies Arrington is “incompetent” and he has “no confidence” in him.

“We’re so fucked” with Arrington helming the budget, another anonymous GOP member told NOTUS.

Nearly 200 paintings by Hunter Biden, valued at “millions of dollars,” have been destroyed over the last few days amid the wildfires as the building they were stored in burned down amid the Palisades Fire still ravaging Los Angeles, sources tell the New York Post. The First Son’s benefactor, rich guy Kevin Morris, told the Post the report is “another untrue story about Hunter Biden,” but did not elaborate on why it was not true. The Post does make shit up sometimes, so who knows.

“We demand that the FBI preserve and retain all records, documents, and information on the now closing DEI Office – Never should have been opened and, if it was, should have closed long ago.”

“Why is it that they’re closing one day before the Inauguration of a new Administration? The reason is, CORRUPTION!” posted convicted felon President-Elect Trump on Thursday, while linking to some stupid Mediaite story that wasn’t even the original reporting about the DEI office shuttering.

“Here in Louisiana, porn sites are required to verify age and the State has an app in place that makes it very simple. We also require photo ID when voting. Guess maybe we’re not so backward as some might think” – Top comment on the TownHall.com article “Supreme Court to Decide Whether Texas Can Impose Age Verification Requirements on Porn Sites,” posted Thursday afternoon.

You can read it like this guy simply knows about the verification process secondhand. Or just roll with the near-certainty that he’s sharing his personal lived experience with how it works. According to The 19th, what he’s referring to as an “app” is not specifically purpose-built to verify the ages of masturbators but it’s actually the state’s digital drivers’ license app, which maybe has some kind of API auth token component going through a browser login portal. Not the worst setup as opposed to, say, uploading a pic of one’s license to the porn site itself, as the state app’s data is likely encrypted.

But holy shit, lol. There’s about zero chance this asshole or any of those who upvoted him did not scream bloody murder over people having to present a COVID vax card to sit down and eat at a fucking Applebee’s in 2021, now they’re suddenly cool with the government potentially knowing EXACTLY which porn they jerk off to? Is it simply because the governor’s a far right Republican that they suddenly trust him to protect their freedoms? What in Christ’s name can they point to as a reason to rest assured that the browsing data isn’t being logged after the verification step?

MAGA state lawmakers in Indiana and Iowa are making noises about getting rural edge counties from Illinois and Minnesota, respectively, to carve themselves off and leech onto their states.

In Indiana, state House Speaker Todd Huston on Thursday introduced a bill encouraging nearly three dozen counties that have already voted in various referenda to secede from Illinois to join the Hoosier State instead, the Danville Commercial-News reports. “We think instead of seceding and creating a 51st state, they should just join us,” Huston said while introducing his legislation, HB 1008, to establish the Indiana-Illinois Boundary Adjustment Commission. “We match their priorities, their interests and we’re excited about having that conversation this year. And to all of our neighbors to the west, we hear your frustrations and then invite you to join us in a low-cost, low-tax Indiana.”

In Iowa, state Senator Mike Bousselot this week tweeted he was introducing a bill to have the Hawkeye State buy up the nine Minnesota counties bordering to the north, per the Rochester Post-Bulletin. “Make Minnesota Iowa Again! Our new Iowans, former MN residents, will have lower income, sales, business taxes. A more farm friendly state. And a better managed state. Gov Walz may say it’s just ‘rocks and cows’ but we see opportunity!” Bousselot wrote, referring to Walz’s 2017 comment when he said the southern part of the state was “mostly rocks and cows.” And as fucking stupid as this assclown sounds with “Make Minnesota Iowa Again!” it’s technically true, based on historical fact. Until 1846 the pre-statehood Iowa Territory did encompass the parts of present-day Minnesota west of the Mississippi River, all nine of these present-day counties included in that jurisdiction.

Air Force veteran saw alien, ‘nonhuman’ egg-shaped aircraft while working for secret UFO retrieval program: report https://t.co/BgaqgcTn68 pic.twitter.com/xehrmoEGD1

— New York Post (@nypost) January 16, 2025

“Plaintiffs Ruby Freeman and Wandrea’ Moss, Defendant Rudolph W Giuliani, and Intervenor Andrew Giuliani (collectively, the ‘Parties’) respectfully submit this letter-motion to inform the Court that Plaintiffs and Defendant have executed a settlement agreement (‘Agreement’) that, once certain conditions are met, would fully resolve all issues currently scheduled for trial, including the claims of Intervenor Andrew H Giuliani, and would result in the conclusion of all litigation currently pending between and among the Parties. Accordingly, the Parties respectfully request that the Court adjourn the trial scheduled for January 21, 2025, and the continued contempt hearing currently scheduled for January 29, 2025, to dates on or after February 25, 2025, to permit the Parties to fully implement the Agreement. The Parties will promptly notify the Court upon full satisfaction of the terms of the Agreement,” says Rudy’s lawyer in a letter to the judge after his client fucked off on Thursday.

Hard to imagine they didn’t get what they wanted in what’s now their second lawsuit against the alcoholic shitbrain former New York City mayor. Also note the “once certain conditions are met.” The whole reason for this trial was because he wasn’t meeting conditions imposed by the judgment in the first, like selling off all of his shit to at least partially satisfy the $148 million he owes them.