A possible bank robber with really shitty handwriting grew frustrated and walked out of a First National Bank branch in Loveland, Colorado earlier this month with $0.00 in stolen funds because the teller was unable to read the “illegible” note he had handed them during the possible attempt.

That’s apparently what Loveland Police think happened on December 17th, per Fox News, but between that article and a Facebook post it would seem like they couldn’t figure out what the note said either and are simply seeking the unidentified male for questioning rather than arrest.

The Caucasian male, who appears to be in his 50s or 60s and has a tattoo on his jaw – or it could be a scar – the pic is blurry as hell. Certainly fits with the overall theme of this incident.

The headline “Shark grabs some Italian for lunch” is right there, but it’s kind of poor taste since the 48 year-old Rome resident who was killed by one of the vicious aquatic monsters while snorkeling in the Red Sea on Sunday probably didn’t deserve it. Egypt’s Ministry of Environment, on the other hand, seems to want to say he had it coming as, per AFP, their statement on the man’s deadly encounter with the shark and injuries to his 69 year-old buddy – also an Italian national – mentions it occurred in “deep waters outside the designated swimming area” of their vacation resort.

Could totally see some Egyptian newspaper making such a joke about it given that implication from the government. Whatever Cairo’s equivalent of the New York Post is will probably plaster “Hungry Red Sea Shark Snacks on Infidel-lafel!” or “Italian Meatball Sub served in Red Sea” on the front of their shitty tabloid. National Zero meanwhile will express condolences and not tempt the wrath of readers that surfaced over headlines such as “Property Brothers indicted on federal sex trafficking charges,” “French fighter jets bump into each other during maneuvers,” “British royal’s head injury consistent with impact from horse hoof,” and other questionable editorial decisions.

“Moderate” douchebag Republican Congressman Mike Lawler on Sunday told ABC’s Jon Karl he’s all for expanding legal immigration due to actual real reasons for it like staving off the population declines that have ravaged Japan economically and are now dooming China too. So really literally everything he said here about H1-Bs is correct, morally justified, and there’s effectively zero daylight between him and any rational pro-immigrant Democrat on the topic. The headline’s also still true, because convicted felon President-Elect Trump and his ketamine-brained overlord have, through their messaging, deemed America’s workforce worthless and retarded, especially MAGAmericans.

“Two Portland men lost their lives while searching for Sasquatch in eastern Skamania County. On 12/25/2024, around 1:00 AM, the Skamania County Communications Center received a report of two overdue subjects who were searching for Sasquatch and planned to return home on 12/24/2024.”

“When the pair did not return home, a family member reported the subjects missing and endangered. Flock camera footage was accessed, based on this information provided. A recently installed Flock camera did locate the associated vehicle with the missing/endangered subjects, allowing a Skamania County Sheriff’s Office Search and Rescue Coordinator to assist in locating the missing subjects’ vehicle off of Oklahoma Road, near Willard, Washington. Over the course of three days, the Skamania County Sheriff’s Office Search and Rescue Coordinator acquired over 60 volunteer search and rescue personnel, including canine, drone, and ground searching teams.”

“Additionally, an air asset was acquired from the United States Coast Guard, based in Astoria, Oregon, to assist in the search utilizing FLIR. After a grueling, three-day search over difficult terrain and harsh weather conditions, the 59-year-old male and 37-year-old-male, both from Portland, Oregon, who were reported missing/endangered were located, deceased, in a heavily wooded area of the Gifford Pinchot National Forest. Both deaths appear to be due to exposure, based on weather conditions and ill-preparedness,” says the Skamania County Sheriff’s Office in a Facebook post.

Man does New Hampshire Governor Chris Sununu fucking suck at defending convicted felon President-Elect Trump and his incoming reich. “He’s so rich he’s removed from the potential financial influence,” is his defense of Ketamine Brain’s influence over the Orange Caesar. Jesus Christ, lol.

“How are giving American job away to foreigners MAGA? This is NOT what you promised!! Why do companies push for more H-1B visas? The answer lies in cost and control. Workers on these visas are often bound to their employers, unable to freely switch jobs without jeopardizing their immigration status. Critics liken this to a form of ‘indentured servitude,’ where corporations benefit from both the labor and the reduced bargaining power of these employees. MAGA not India, China, Africa, Mexico or anywhere else!!!!” – Top comment on the Breitbart’s story “President-Elect Donald Trump: I Have Always Been in Favor of H-1B Visas,” posted on Saturday afternoon.

As noted in prior “MAGA Land” article-ish posts here: It doesn’t matter whether this is a lib troll infiltrating a right wing website. If you got the most upvotes then your opinion resonated the most with the “vox populi, vox dei” of the schmucks that read that dogshit site. These fuckers are legitimately pissed at their Orange God Emperor for selling them out to “globalism.”

Three Delray Beach, Florida firefighters and a dozen commuters were injured on Saturday after a fire truck drove around the crossing gates and got freaking smacked by a northbound Brightline Train they didn’t see coming, the Associated Press reports on a five year-old boy’s playtime coming to life.

The fire crew had waited for a southbound freight train to pass through the double-tracked crossing at SE 1st St at about 10:45 AM on Saturday, but did not wait another few seconds for the gates to come up. Which was kind of stupid, because they didn’t see the Brightliner coming to rock their world. The ladder truck was completely ripped in half and it was Palm Beach County Fire Rescue that had to respond to Delray FD’s fuckup. It’s not clear what incident the Delray crew had been on their way to respond to. They might’ve even been on the way back to their house to play Xbox, walk the dalmatian, or print more flyers for a large kegger/pig roast to be held this evening.

“The front of that train is completely smashed, and there was even some of the parts to the fire truck stuck in the front of the train, but it split the car right in half. It split the fire truck right in half, and the debris was everywhere,” said local man Emmanuel Amaral, who the AP’s article describes as having “rushed to the scene on his golf cart after hearing a loud crash and screeching train brakes from where he was having breakfast a couple of blocks away.” Meaning a golf cart guy showed up to the scene to do little or nothing to help the firefighters who got themselves blasted by a train.

The reason I’m in America along with so many critical people who built SpaceX, Tesla and hundreds of other companies that made America strong is because of H1B.

Take a big step back and FUCK YOURSELF in the face. I will go to war on this issue the likes of which you cannot…

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) December 28, 2024

“I will go to war on this issue the likes of which you cannot possibly comprehend,” Musk continued after the cutoff, crushing this puny ant under his boot. It would seem that maybe, just maybe, this whole shitshow is escalating considerably given the, uh, unique personality at its center.

Yes, Musk has a mixed record on following through on certain ambitions. On one end there’s that whole sending 50,000 people to live the rest of their – likely brutish and short – lives on Mars thing that hasn’t exactly materialized yet. And that ultra-high speed subway train that can transport people from San Francisco to Los Angeles in 15 minutes or whatever. But on the other the Cybertruck is now finally on the road and a status symbol for complete chodes after years of delays.

And, most relevant here, he was nothing but persistent on acquiring Twitter and turning it into a complete abyss of right wing propaganda and hate speech. Musk really put his head down and spent a lot of his and other people’s money to bring that goal to fruition, now ruling it as absolute overlord of his own personal digital failed state, even changing the name and the freaking URL like it’s Zaire or Myanmar. Hell if you were a drug-addled megalomaniac and the richest man in history you too would have fun conducting Stalinist purges on a whim, tormenting Trotskyites like Laura Loomer simply because you can. It’s like SimCity or Minecraft for him, except the people are real.

Former Republican Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown, who scored a shock victory during the Tea Party wave in the 2010 special to succeed legendary alcoholic Ted Kennedy, only to be felled by Elizabeth Warren in 2012, then moved to New Hampshire and lost a 2014 Senate bid there, later serving as Trump’s ambassador to New Zealand for four years, is considering a 2026 run in the Granite State even as it prooooobably won’t be a good year for the GOP, Fox News reports.

“The 65-year-old Brown, who competed in nine triathlons this year and who on average performs around 40–50 gigs a year as lead singer and guitarist with the rock band Scott Brown and the Diplomats, is doing more than just thinking about running to return to the Senate,” Fox writes with Brown-nosing zeal, adding “He’s been meeting in recent weeks with various Republican and conservative groups in New Hampshire,” as if such standard operating procedure is impressive.

Bald little Nazi shit Stephen Miller’s America 1st Legal scam outfit has been sending threatening letters to California officials – among them Attorney General Rob Bonta, Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass, LAPD Chief Jim McDonnell – warning them “that you and the other officials who support or enforce sanctuary laws, policies, and regulations have a very personal stake in the matter – you each could face criminal prosecution and civil liability for your illegal acts,” the Los Angeles Times reports.

Bonta responded in a statement, saying “While we are unable to comment on the specifics of the letter, we want to be clear: SB 54 was upheld by the courts during the first Trump administration, and it prevents the use of state and local resources for federal immigration enforcement with certain narrow exceptions. SB 54 does nothing, however, to block federal agencies from conducting immigration enforcement themselves. California will continue to comply with all applicable state and federal laws, and we expect all local law enforcement agencies to do the same.”

Once again, National Zero is open to any and all suggestions for a different Friday night open thread format or feature or whatever you want to call it going forward. But don’t mistake that openness for a lack of confidence in this one, because YouTube’s free movie catalog has at least another four, maybe even five months’ worth of damn solid picks, and that’s just at the current point in time.

Limitless (2011) is like “Adderall: The Movie.” Adapted from a much bleaker and more cynical 2000 novel by Alan Glynn titled The Dark Fields (which is a much more badass-sounding name), stars Bradley Cooper as Eddie Mora, a loser who discovers a fictional super-Adderall that turns him into a mental uber-mensch who nonetheless still does some really stupid shit to get himself in a number of jams running on his (not limitless) supply of pills to play hard on Wall Street. Robert DeNiro, Abby Cornish, and a low-rent John Malkovich clone round out the cast of the over-the-top thriller.

Writing that “The message appears to include a reference to Musk’s son, X Æ A-Xii, whom Musk colloquially refers to as X,” CNN thinks that mentally ill convicted felon President-Elect Trump had meant to send a private message to Elon Musk when he wrote “Where are you? When are you coming to the ‘Center of the Universe,’ Mar-a-Lago. Bill Gates asked to come, tonight. We miss you and x! New Year’s Eve is going to be AMAZING!!! DJT” in a Friday morning Truth Social post.

Though it was obviously meant to be a private message, the evidence they have in support of this specific “X Æ A-Xii” theory (holy fuck what a ridiculous name, lol) is not mentioned. They did however cite a source telling them that Bill Gates had reached out and asked for an audience with the Orange God Emperor, something CNN notes threatens even more tumult in MAGA world.

“The post comes as Musk, whom Trump named as co-leader of his government efficiency initiative, has drawn fresh criticism from loyal Trump supporters over his support of the visa program that allows highly skilled foreign workers to immigrate to the US,” they wrote. Surely accused Jeffrey Epstein pal and COVID vaccine nanobot overlord Bill Gates is going to help defuse that situation.

'They Hate Trump So Much': Dan Abrams Says Mainstream Media Can Try to 'Restore Credibility' By Acknowledging Trump 'Successes' https://t.co/x6wwb3oLwA

— Mediaite (@Mediaite) December 27, 2024

“As families watched lava glow within Kaluapele at sunset last night, a shocking scene unfolded in a closed area beyond the post-and-cable barrier at Kīlauea Overlook. A toddler wandered off from his family and in a split second, ran straight toward the 400-foot cliff edge. His mother, screaming, managed to grab him in the nick of time just a foot or so away from a fatal fall.”

“Disaster was averted, and the shaken family departed. A Christmas to remember? Park rangers remind visitors to stay on trail, stay out of closed areas and to keep their children close, especially when watching Kīlauea from viewpoints along Crater Rim Trail. Those who ignore the warnings, walk past closure signs, lose track of loved ones, and sneak into closed areas to get a closer look do so at great risk. ‘The hazards that coincide with an eruption are dangerous, and we have safety measures in place including closed areas, barriers, closure signs, and traffic management,’ said Park Superintendent Rhonda Loh. ‘Your safety is our utmost concern, but we rely on everyone to recreate responsibility. National parks showcase nature’s splendor but they are not playgrounds.'”

“In addition to steep unstable cliff edges and hazardous terrain, often hidden at night, other dangers escalate during increased visitation associated with eruptions. Drivers are urged to slow down, watch out for pedestrians and nēnē (the Hawaiian goose), and to drive with aloha. Remember to switch to low beams when other cars and pedestrians are present” – National Park Service.

“Deputies from the St Mary’s County Sheriff’s Office have arrested and charged Thomas Campbell Bolling Von Goetz, 56, of Avenue, after incidents at two local churches disrupted religious services and endangered citizens. On December 24, 2024, shortly after 5 pm, Von Goetz entered Holy Angels Catholic Church in Avenue during a Mass. He approached the altar and dropped an onion in the aisle, disturbing the peace of those attending. A citizen followed Von Goetz as he exited the church to ensure he was leaving the premises. Outside, Von Goetz assaulted the citizen by throwing tangerines at them,” says a St Mary’s County, Maryland Sheriff’s Office statement. It gets better.

“Later that night, during Midnight Mass at St Francis Xavier Catholic Church in Leonardtown, Von Goetz disrupted the service by pouring whiskey into the holy water and threatening to harm parishioners. As church attendees escorted him from the building, he attempted unsuccessfully to strike several individuals with a whiskey bottle. Parishioners detained Von Goetz until deputies arrived; he was then transported to MedStar St Mary’s Hospital for medical evaluation. On December 26, 2024, Von Goetz was arrested and charged with the following offenses: Second-Degree Assault Disorderly Conduct Defacing Religious Property Religious Crime Against a Group Obstructing a Religious Exercise Threat of Mass Violence Disturbing the Peace.”

Not going to add anything. To try to improve upon what is already perfect is the height of hubris.

I am trying to PROTECT President Trump.

Dems will use financial conflicts with Big Tech appointees to try to impeach Trump and take back the House.

Silicon Valley wants to use their money to get Trump to remove federal export control laws so they can hire more foreigners . https://t.co/tLnuphNY7N

— Laura Loomer (@LauraLoomer) December 27, 2024

Love the reverse causality to “impeach Trump and take back the House,” which you’d have to know less than jack shit about US politics to think was actually possible in that order. Still this evil racist goth is impressive for getting under Elon Musk’s skin deep enough to get him to suspend her.

Future Fatherland purity czar Tom Homan tells the Wall Street Journal he’s “waiting to see what Congress is going to give us for funding,” when it comes to his plans to inflict cruelty and suffering on undocumented immigrants and their naturally born children which is, uh, kind of supposed to not be a variable at least in the way that he and convicted felon President-Elect Trump had been selling their plan to deport millions and millions of non-citizens currently living and working in the US.

The asterisk, tacked onto Homan’s answer to a question on whether military planes and bases would be used to carry out the mass internments and deportations of the undocumented, raises the practical problems that the new regime is going to face when carrying out its lofty promises from the campaign trail – and the likelihood that they’re going to fall massively short of them if they have to rely on a GOP majority in the House that will literally be smaller than the one in the Senate for the first few months of the new regime and then still just five seats after special elections.

Seriously what the fuck does this guy think they’re going to get? Of course you can’t rule out every single Republican falling in line and giving them EVERYTHING they need to make it happen but when they couldn’t even make sure Border Patrol agents would get their paychecks on time without Democratic votes then maybe Homan should be looking elsewhere, as in agency budgets that have already been allocated, to loot from. Think of all the “farm district” Republicans that are going to be all “no se puede” when it comes to depriving their donors of cheap labor. Hell those guys are probably going to be less of a headache to sell on funding it than the “moderates” in suburban districts who are going to feel the most heat if things get really bloody, which they will.

Oh well, looks like Trump overpromised and will probably underdeliver for his fans. Again.

A complete wanker of a Walmart delivery driver and the retail giant itself are facing a lawsuit from a South Carolina woman who says she caught the driver, Alvin B Ortiz, masturbating in his car for about 10 to 15 minutes after completing a grocery delivery last July, WBTW reports.

Ortiz, 39, already faces criminal charges for the monkey spanking incident, having been arrested for indecent exposure on July 9th, the day after the incident, so it’s not like the plaintiff – unnamed in the lawsuit and the article – is just jerking around in court. Per a police report, the Myrtle Beach-area woman said she received the order Ortiz had delivered and everything was fine, but 10 to 15 minutes later she noticed he was still sitting in his car in her driveway that morning. The woman went to go check on Ortiz to make sure he wasn’t having any sort of medical distress or whatever when she saw him committing the sinful act of self-flagellation, his pants pulled down.

Ortiz however didn’t notice or didn’t care that the customer had approached the car, so she ran inside and called a neighbor she knew to be home at the time. The neighbor then confronted Ortiz, who then rushed to pull up his pants and back out, yelling he was going to come back and “fuck everyone up” as he sped off. Cops were called and Ortiz was cuffed the next day.

The complaint alleges the woman “has suffered injuries and damages, including past and future mental pain and suffering, mental, emotional, and psychological damage, and loss of enjoyment of life,” seeking relief in a jury award for past and future medical expenses, according to WBTW’s article, the wording of which seems to imply Ortiz is still a Walmart employee six months later.

Rapey white nationalist alcoholic Pete Hegseth’s lawyer Timmy Parlatore on Friday was confident to CNN’s Pamela Brown that he could prove his client was not the guy who drunkenly climbed up on stage at strip club while on a trip for the Koch-backed astroturf group “Concerned Veterans of America” that Hegseth ran into the ground, but it was someone else on the crew at CVA.

Craving for more of that sweet, delicious impeachy flavor they tasted earlier this month when they stuck it to scumbag right wing President Yoon Suk Yeol for declaring martial law, South Korean lawmakers on Friday stuck it to Prime Minister and current acting President Han Duck-soo who’s been filling in while Yoon is suspended during the impeachment proceedings, the AP reports.

Unlike Yoon’s predicament, Han’s was not voted on by the 2/3rds supermajority required to suspend him: the vote on Han was 192 to 0 as members of their party, stuck in a 100-ish minority, boycotted the vote, and it’s not clear if Han’s impeachment can be effected by 2/3rds of votes or seats. The boycott came after the opposition Democrats had lowered the threshold to a simple majority. None of this is set in law given that Han is the acting president, much less the constitution, so it’s probably going to be on the courts to sort out what the hell happened. Han responded saying as much, and will abide by the assembly’s vote and step back for now while awaiting a ruling.