The corn maze experts at the Hartford Courant have announced their top five picks for fall family fun in Connecticut’s vast mazes of maize (hahaha! Get it?), many at farms that also have pumpkin patches, hay rides, and other autumn/Halloween-themed activities for kids of all ages to enjoy.

Yup, just you and your family having a nice day out at the farm. Not anything about the rest of the world. Just ignore that overweight hillbilly in the cheaply-made “TRUMP 2024” t-shirt trampling down the corn stalks to make a shortcut, joking about burning the whole maze down with his Confederate zippo lighter. Don’t even engage with him, it could turn into a scene. Oh fuck you won’t ever be able to escape this madness as long as there’s other people around, not even when you turn off the notifications on your phone. The election will be everywhere you go, there is no escape unless you just drown yourself in one of the cider vats at this stupid goddamned farm.

A new Economist/YouGov national registered voter survey finds 16 percent of those who said they’re going to vote for convicted felon former President Trump in November said “Severely limit her ability to do the job” on the question of whether Vice President Kamala Harris’s age, 59 going on 60, would affect her “ability to fulfill her duties as President, if she were elected in November.”

You’ll never guess what percentage of Trump 2024 voter respondents said that Donald’s age, 78, would have the same effect… Well it wasn’t zero, but 1 percent is close enough. Another 25 percent said it would “Have little effect on his ability to do the job,” and 74 percent said “none.”

Why “Freedom from” isn’t “freedom”: https://t.co/ctlp71Z8UU

— Matt Taibbi (@mtaibbi) August 21, 2024

You should really reserve judgment until you’ve read the entirety of this Substacker’s essay. It’s entirely possible that it’s not a tedious, lengthy whine by a balding edgelord past his prime and fueled by his deep, bitter resentment of media and political elites who now mock him openly.

You might learn something new about your own preexisting biases and gain a fresh perspective rather than immediately roll your eyes and make a classic “jerkoff motion” with your hand in response the insufferable bitching typed up by a man defined far more by what he’s against than what he is for. It’s entirely possible that could be the outcome. We’re excited to hear the reactions from those of our readers who will actually click on it and attempt to make it to the end.

Let us know what you think because we have other stuff to do, like defeating the alien-brainwashed version of the Green Lantern in mediocre Xbox game Suicide Squad: Kill The Justice League.

“A Somerset, Kentucky, man, Jesse Kipf, 39, was sentenced to 81 months on Monday by US District Judge Robert Wier, for computer fraud and aggravated identity theft. According to his plea agreement, Kipf intentionally accessed a computer without authorization and then obtained information from a protected computer for his own private gain and in furtherance of identity theft.”

“Specifically, in January 2023, Kipf accessed the Hawaii Death Registry System, using the username and password of a physician living in another state, and created a “case” for his own death. Kipf then completed a State of Hawaii Death Certificate Worksheet, assigned himself as the medical certifier for the case and certified his death, using the digital signature of the doctor. This resulted in Kipf being registered as a deceased person in many government databases. Kipf admitted that he faked his own death, in part, to avoid his outstanding child support obligations.”

“Kipf also infiltrated other states’ death registry systems, private business networks, and governmental and corporate networks using credentials he stole from real people. He then tried to sell access to these networks to potential buyers on the dark net, an overlay network within the internet that can only be accessed with specific software, configurations, or authorization and is commonly associated with the sale of illicit goods and services,” says a DOJ press release.

Well that’s certainly a waste of talent if we ever saw one. A particularly reprehensible one at that too. All that creativity and ingenuity just to fuck over his own kid(s). If he was this good at cybercrime then why not maybe just pay it off quietly and then buy them a lot of nice shit too?

“Kathy Hochul, the very unpopular Governor of New York, was the nastiest speaker on Monday evening (at the Democrat National Convention) as it pertains to your favorite President, me. Her total hatred, and statements made about me, had no bounds. I was amazed for two reasons: Number one, I did a GREAT job in New York, employed thousands of people, built some of the most beautiful and successful buildings, and paid billions of dollars in taxes. Number two is that, on the very distinct possibility I will win the Presidency, wouldn’t it be better for the people of New York State to have a Governor who got along with the President? Adversarial relationships are not good in politics!”

“Unfairly, I am before a very biased and hateful New York Judicial System that is appointed and largely controlled by the Governor. With the vitriol displayed by her on Monday night, it is no wonder that the Judges have treated me so badly. The whole system is RIGGED, and companies are leaving because of it!!!” posted convicted felon former President Trump on Wednesday.

Notice how he didn’t say anything (yet) about Barack and Michelle Obama, or his former press secretary, nor any of the dozens of other speakers who tore into him over the last two days.

“There’s a 64 percent probability that Kamala Harris will win this November’s presidential election, given the stock market’s strong year-to-date performance,” writes financial egghead Mark Hulbert at Market Watch in an update on his model of “a significant correlation between the stock market’s election-year performance and the incumbent party’s chances of retaining the White House.”

“It’s important to put this model’s conclusion in its proper context. On the one hand, it by no means is a guarantee. In 2016, for example, the stock market on Election Day was sitting on modest year-to-date gains and the incumbent party still lost. In any case, it’s entirely possible the stock market will fall between now and Election Day and thereby reduce the probabilities currently calculated by my model. Harris’s probability of winning would drop below 50 percent, for example, if the DJIA’s year-to-date return on Election Day were to be negative,” Hulbert continued in the piece.

That first caveat is a nice touch. A little humility from the brainiacs goes a long way, especially as a reminder that Trump 2016 was a sui generis orange swan event that on paper should have been an easy win for Hillary. The second one too, even if it’s a (still necessary) “no shit.” Good call to lowball it and not even mention the anticipated Fed rate cuts – which may or may not be already priced in.

“It was like an oasis – I didn’t realize I had been in a spiritual desert until they created that oasis on that stage. And they did a beautiful job tonight,” said longtime Democratic activist and CNN commentator Van Jones after watching Michelle and Barack Obama’s speeches Tuesday night.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Seriously this guy is so goddamned extra. It doesn’t matter whether or not he actually realizes just how badly he overdoes this. Like can’t he tone it down, maybe just a little, even if he genuinely did make a 180 emotionally over the past two months? It just seems like he’s hell-bent on embodying some of the worst stereotypes of libs by breaking down on live television repeatedly during Biden’s collapse and then shifting into this quasi-religious elation.

The ultra-MAGAfied Republican National Committee led by Ronna Not-Romney replacement Mike Whatley and nepo hire Lara Trump spent more cash than it raised in July, the Daily Beast’s Roger Sollenberger reports, citing FEC records showing just under $31 million in receipts vs $33.5 million spent or transferred. Worse, it’s a serious dropoff from June’s $67 million haul, meaning the immediate aftermath of fat former President Trump’s May 30th conviction on 34 felony counts for interfering in the 2016 election by covering-up of an embarrassing sexual encounter with a porn star was more than twice as lucrative as a failed assassination attempt and the party convention were.

July 2024’s haul was also significantly smaller than the same month in 2020 when the RNC raked in $55.3 million and then $67 million in August 2020 – the month that year’s convention was held.

Ukraine’s military on Wednesday launched a massive wave of attack drones on Moscow, with at least 11 entering the Russian capital’s airspace and 32 over other cities, Sky News reports.

The Putin Regime claimed all of the drones aimed at Moscow were shot down but who the hell trusts their word. The Ukrainians meanwhile claimed to have taken out a Russian S-300 air defense system in the Rostov region and – perhaps even more importantly – destroyed or heavily damaged three bridges over the Seym River in the Kursk region, potentially trapping a large number of Russian ground troops between a bend in the river and Ukrainian forces advancing ever deeper into the area.

The Arizona state Supreme Court on Tuesday tossed a forced-birther group’s challenge against the ballot measure enshrining the right to abortion in the state’s constitution planned for November, the only known case that could have ended up blocking it ahead of Thursday’s deadline.

In Montana meanwhile, KTVH reports that on Tuesday the Secretary of State’s office certified the petition to land a similar measure on the ballot, ensuring the question goes to voters in November pending any challenges, a potential boost for endangered Dem incumbent Senator Jon Tester.

While noting the 78-year-old Donald Trump does nothing but whine about his various problems, President Barack Obama notes that Donald Trump has an unhealthy obsession with “crowd sizes,” which Obama apparently doesn’t think is really about crowds.

Tuesday features a slate of speakers including former Presidents Bill Clinton and Barack Obama, and a separate rally in Milwaukee by Vice President Kamala Harris and Tim Walz.

Responding to convicted felon former President Trump’s desperate attempts at political expediency by telling CBS News that he wouldn’t use the Comstock Act to effectively end abortion nationwide, MAGAchurch Pastor Tony Perkins tells Politico that it’s “not a pro-life position, it’s not an acceptable position, and it does not provide the contrast on this issue to the degree we have had in the past between him and Kamala Harris. What President Trump is doing is suppressing his own support.”

“Students for Life” scumbag Kristi Hamrick said failing to utilize Comstock would undermine the Orange Allah’s image as the “law and order” president. “We can’t ignore the rule of law and pick and choose the laws that we want to enforce. Isn’t everybody’s criticism of the DOJ their selective enforcement? So this would be the selective un-enforcement of a law that says these are dangerous drugs and should not be mailed. It’s very problematic for a party that respects the law,” she said.

Convicted felon former President Trump on Tuesday told CNN that he’s “open” to Brainwormed independent candidate Robert F Kennedy Jr’s offer to end his presidential bid and endorse fat Donald in exchange for a promise of a job in a second Reich should Trump win in November.

“I like him, and I respect him,” Trump said after his rambling speech in Michigan. “He’s a brilliant guy. He’s a very smart guy. I’ve known him for a very long time. I didn’t know he was thinking about getting out, but if he is thinking about getting out, certainly I’d be open to it.”

The whole thing was supposed to be a secret until video of Kennedy making the offer last month surfaced and Trump’s campaign talked him out of accepting it. Then on Tuesday Bobby’s running mate Nicole Shanahan just openly confirmed that they were looking at this for an exit plan.

The first night combined broadcast audience share of the DNC’s first night across 44 media markets was 21 percent higher than the RNC’s last month, as the Dems drew 11.4 million viewers to the Republicans’ 9.4 million, Fox TV ratings analyst Michael Mulvihill reports, while cautioning that this is preliminary and could shrink significantly with full national numbers. Mulvihill also mentions that the Dems’ night one broadcast was 2:15 long to the RNC’s one hour first night, and not knowing shit about ratings we have no idea if that makes it more or less of a win relative to the GOP’s.

In related news, Rolling Stone on Monday reported the Orange God Emperor is preemptively freaking out that Vice President Kamala Harris’s acceptance speech could draw more viewers than his.

Day Two of the Democratic National Convention means it’s also day two of the tired, demented old man’s attempts to draw attention back on himself, this time at a police station in Howell, Michigan, a town widely considered to be the Ku Klux Klan capitol of the Great Lakes State.

The scene at a Portage, Indiana Applebee’s on August 2nd was one of utter mayhem after a customer insisted that the $15.99 endless boneless wings, riblets and double crunch shrimp could be shared amongst a table of four rather than each pay that amount, USA Today reports.

“Words were exchanged,” the police report said of a manager’s visit to the table. The four female patrons told cops the manager became “very unprofessional” towards them, and that nowhere on the menu did it state the terms of the deal as “per person.” Spoiler Alert: The menu actually did in fact say “per Person” underneath the bold letterings of “All You Can Eat” on the insert promoting the endless meat nuggets. The responding officer found it right away and showed it to the group.

When a couple the cheap bastards had earlier tangled with over an unrelated matter were walking toward the exit, a 28 year-old woman among Team Endless became “very loud and disorderly, attracting the attention of other patrons,” screaming at the couple in front of the cops, prompting a warning of disorderly conduct. Another person on Team Endless tried to cover the woman’s mouth but were unable to quiet her verbal abuse, prompting police to arrest the 28 year-old. Cops stayed while one of Team Endless paid the group’s check for the full cost of the $15.99 per person deal.

Roadkill collector Robert F Kennedy Jr’s running mate Nicole Shanahan on Tuesday told some podcaster that Bobby may soon drop out of the race and endorse Trump – while getting nothing in return – because they don’t want to hurt Donald’s chances, Meidas Touch’s Ron Filipkowski reports.

A Greensboro, North Carolina man was arrested in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina last week, a day after he pointed a gun at two employees at Sugar Life Ice Cream & Candy Bar in a dispute over a refund for the candy he bought, WBTW reports on a balding white man losing it over petty bullshit.

Joshua Roger Kim was sought and pulled over on Thursday following the indicdent. As a bonus, cops found cocaine and weed in the car, further adding to Kim’s massive self-ownery. Over candy.