The FBI on Monday confirmed to the Washington Post they’ve opened an investigation into the alleged hacking of convicted felon former President Trump’s 2024 campaign. Now would be a fun time to drag up all the MAGA conspiracy bullshit about Russian hacking of the DNC in 2016 being “a false flag” and all that nonsense but it would take a while to put together.

An elderly Florida man suffering from grave if undiagnosed mental health problems resulting in constant violent outbursts and paranoid delusions would nevertheless be perhaps the first such patient in the history of television viewership to be correct in believing that the malformed electronic wraiths on his screen are indeed speaking to him. That it is not a mere figment of his twisted imagination and his eyes and ears are unmistaken to perceive a coordinated campaign – one reaching the highest echelons of the commercial enterprises producing such content – of subliminal messaging directed at he and he alone in this world. Congratulations on that, we guess.

Groundbreaking new research reveals that Paul Verhoeven’s violent 1989 classic Total Recall is at least partially based in science. Specifically that while Mars does not harbor mutant hookers with three boobs or considerably grosser-looking mutants with psychic powers that grew out of the torso of a normal-looking guy and that’s how they hide, the Associated Press reports that data from the Inisght Rover mission reveals the possible presence of a massive underground reservoir that one scientist estimates could cover the whole planet with an ocean more than a mile deep.

Vashan Wright of the UC San Diego’s Scripps Institution of Oceanography spent years crunching the data collected by Insight’s seismometers and concluded that Marsquake readings indicate the presence of the water. Wright says the environment, which his data says is seven miles to 12 miles underground, could support life but should not be taken to mean there is life there currently.

While the article seems to indicate the water is liquid or soaked into the crust rather than frozen like the huge glacier seen in the Schwarzenegger actioner, there’s already some sunk cost on our end so this Wright guy better start figuring out where the ancient alien megastructure is buried.

Convicted felon former President Trump’s campaign team are just about at full freak-the-fuck-out mode and warning their invincible God-Titan that he’s got the next seven days before the DNC starts next Monday to “adopt a new ‘hard-hitting’ stump speech to define Vice President Harris as liberal and weak,” in order to regain the initiative against the surging Veep, Axios reports.

“Advisers are telling him Harris will grow her lead coming out of the Democratic convention, which begins a week from tomorrow – especially if they don’t define her better, faster. Then just a week after the convention, it’s already Labor Day,” Axios printed on Sunday and lol we still can’t get over this “defining” shit. We get it’s not a fresh buzzword – for example in the lead-up to the 2022 midterms white collar scumbag and then-NRSC chief Rick Scott confidently told The Hill “We’ve defined [Arizona Dem Senator Mark] Kelly,” just days before Republicans lost that – along with every other swing state Senate race – and Scott got fired from that role. Labeling your opponent as this or that is both essential and often effective for every candidate in every election. But the actually smart, experienced folks in politics will tell you that it takes many months, often years, of effort, that Obama labeling Romney as a plutocrat, Trump labeling Hillary as more corrupt than him, Dubya labeling Kerry as weak and tying Gore to Clinton scandals, etc didn’t just happen on their own.

That the concept of “defining” (“labeling” is a better, if less malleable term) broke through into so much coverage like this is a consequence of the abrupt change of Democratic nominee – and the fact that Team Trump is simply frustrated as fuck over it, that the explosion of enthusiasm and the media attention drowned out their screams of “BORDER CZAR” and “SHITTY 2019 CAMPAIGN!”

Of course “sexier” is a relative term. The first one when “Jaydene” was just playing beer pong was its own, different kind of sexy. This one shows he plainly studied Victoria’s Secret catalogs how to look lustful and tempting when posing for the camera. Rudy could use some pointers on that.

Shares of $DJT sank Monday on the reactivation of convicted felon former President Trump’s personal Twitter account, the megaphone that defined so much of his failed presidency until it was banned after he incited an insurrection – which is the whole fucking reason there is a $DJT symbol, dropping another 5.23 percent to $24.86, down by nearly half the value less than a month ago in the immediate aftermath of the failed assassination attempt and continuing a slide that accelerated after President Joe Biden quit the 2024 race and endorsed Vice President Kamala Harris.

Two things really funny about this: The surge in the price was on the heels of political developments separate and apart from actual measures of value like revenue and profit, with retail buyers knowing full well it was a tulip bulb fiat and the MAGA billionaire cunts knowing the same but also a token of access to the Orange Warlord. The second is that we are almost 100 percent certain that the tweets coming today are being posted within the letter if maybe not the exact spirit of Trump’s existing contractual obligations to his investors – that his utterances remain exclusive to Truth before he posts them anywhere else. The Truth Social feed looks like his usual, deranged all caps bullshit while the Twitter (or X) feed is more polished. There’s no overlap, so it seems like he’s exploiting a loophole in the contract to promote the Monday night stream with Elon Musk… And yet apparently that’s lost on the investors who are selling because on the belief Donald is abandoning his platform.

Mitch McConnell is still alive as of whenever the Louisville Courier Journal printed this article about him warning the crowd of a Harris Administration “nightmare” at a National Conference of State Legislators Legislative Summit breakfast in the town, with old Cocaine Mitch foretelling a dark future in which a Dem trifecta would abolish the Senate filibuster, create the states of DC and Puerto Rico, and break the current 6-3 MAGA majority on the Supreme Court one way or another.

“I think when the voters have spoken and given divided government, they’re not necessarily saying ‘do nothing,'” McConnell said in a nod at the small-to-medium gestures of actual governance helped Joe Biden achieve during his term. “They’re saying, ‘OK, you’ve got some big differences. Look at the things that you guys could agree on and make some progress with the country.'”

Lol at him trying to sell the virtues of a Republican House and/or Senate without him around doing literally anything but try to undermine the legitimacy of a Harris Administration. Lol even more at him not coming even close to saying another Trump Administration would actually be a positive thing.

We would appreciate it if major news organizations refrain from bringing in some experts in optical science to offer a detailed analysis about why the MAGA kids are wrong to be focused on the reflection on the engine under the wing of Air Force Two in that “AI” shot. Seriously, just stay out of breaking down the maddening complexities of convex reflections and perspective to debunk the “crowd wasn’t there” theory. Let these guys continue to ask their “questions,” please.

At least 180,000 Russian civilians have been evacuated from the Kursk region as Ukrainian troops have reportedly seized control of 28 villages and towns in the now six-day long offensive on dictator Vladimir Putin’s turf, leading the evil shitbag to publicly command his troops to “drive out the enemy from our territories and, together with the Border Service, ensure reliable protection of the state border,” Bloomberg reports on a tragic case of fuck around and find out in Mother Russia.

Saturday’s “Gays Eating Garlic Bread Festival” in Sioux City, Iowa became an impromptu charity fundraiser for local efforts to recover from recent flooding as organizers decided on the fly to contribute proceeds to the Siouxland Recovery Fund and Unity Way of Iowa, KCAU reports.

“It was supposed to just be a very small-like, low-key event for some friends who were gonna get together and have garlic bread and maybe someone music happening,” said Gay Garlic Bread event coordinator Elizabeth Stewart. “And the park we reserved got flooded so we all came together and said we’re going to do it and I was like well let’s do it as a flood recovery benefit because we knew that area needed help.” And yes, the event included a drag show and “other 18+ performances.”

My sincere apology to @KamalaHarris for my behavior on @YouTube pic.twitter.com/KgPaYlfSZ6

— Steven Crowder (@scrowder) August 12, 2024

This brief intro from complete cock knob Steven Crowder is apparently a “genuine” mea culpa as he was suspended from YouTube last week, per lame “media watchdog” NewsBusters.org, but for what he said is still unclear. Was probably pretty bad though if he’s pretending he’s sorry and apologizing to Vice President Kamala Harris and YouTube to maintain his income stream and pay his male production staff so he can show them his balls and sexually harass them. Payroll ain’t cheap.

UPDATE 8/12/2024 10:11 AM EDT: Crowder says he called Harris a “lying whore” and apologized for having implied she got appointments to two boards for her relationship with Willie Brown.

“Today, the House Freedom Caucus released the following official position urging Republican leadership to use our leverage in the September spending fight to prevent non-citizens from voting in our elections and ensure Democrats cannot undermine President Trump’s second term with a ‘lame duck’ omnibus in December,” says a House Freedom Caucasians press release, their crew evidently content to count chickens before they hatch with the “President Trump’s second term” bit.

“The House Freedom Caucus believes that House Republicans should return to Washington to continue the work of passing all 12 appropriations bills to cut spending and advance our policy priorities. If unsuccessful, in the inevitability that Congress considers a Continuing Resolution, government funding should be extended into early 2025 to avoid a lame duck omnibus that preserves Democrat spending and policies well into the next administration. Furthermore, the Continuing Resolution should include the SAVE Act – as called for by President Trump – to prevent non-citizens from voting to preserve free and fair elections in light of the millions of illegal aliens imported by the Biden-Harris administration over the last four years,” and yeah they probably should start a huge fucking temper tantrum over some shit they made up about illegals voting.

That’ll look great two months before the election if they manage to shut down the government because they want to force every voter to show up with a passport or birth certificate. Let ‘er rip.

Convicted felon former President Trump plans to file a $100 million lawsuit against the Department of Justice over the August 8, 2022 FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago where agents found dozens of classified documents he stole from the White House, Fox News reports in an “exclusive” – which is Foxspeak for “eagerly laundering MAGA Republican press releases/propaganda on our website.”

Fox writes they’ve obtain a memo from Team Orange’s lawyers asserting the raid “was done with ‘clear intent to engage in political persecution,'” and the complaint will allege “‘tortious conduct by the United States against President Trump.'” Trump lawyer Dan Epstein tells Fox “What President Trump is doing here is not just standing up for himself – he is standing up for all Americans who believe in the rule of law and believe that you should hold the government accountable when it wrongs you.” He did not add the old “JUST WAIT FOR DISCOVERY LIBS!” but he should’ve.

Anyway it’s cool to see Trump shaking things up for his campaign by reminding Americans that he kept nuclear secrets in a bathroom and that a piece of shit judge he appointed let him walk away from charges that have seen less powerful people sentenced to decades in federal prison. It’s just the kind of jolt he needs to appeal to swing voters by standing up for all Americans who believe in the rule of law and believe that you should hold the government accountable when it wrongs you.

Are you better off now than you were when I was president?

Our economy is shattered. Our border has been erased. We're a nation in decline.

Make the American Dream AFFORDABLE again. Make America SAFE again. Make America GREAT Again! #TrumpOnX

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 12, 2024

This didn’t show up in a push notification nor does it appear on the timeline for @realDonaldTrump, the last one there still “Never Surrender!” and his mugshot after he did, in fact, surrender to the Fulton County, Georgia Sheriff’s Office on August 24, 2023. So who knows what the hell’s going on.

Safe bet it’s somehow connected to the “X Spaces” stream set for Monday night starring the fat bastard and Ketamine Brain. That ought to be fun, especially if it goes like the Ron DeSantis launch.

And no, the tweet does not have a verbatim copy on Donald’s Truth Social feed, which is why it was probably his campaign staff and not him personally writing it. His most recent posts there are the usual deranged, panicked bullshit like “IT WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR AMERICA TO SURVIVE ANOTHER FOUR YEARS OF A DEMOCRAT IN THE WHITE HOUSE!” and “Kamala Harris has flip-flopped on virtually every policy she has supported and lived by for her entire career, from the Border to Tips, and the Fake News Media isn’t reporting it. She sounds more like Trump than Trump, copying almost everything. She is conning the American public, and will flip right back,” lol

A new survey of battleground state voters aged 18 to 29 by Dem pollster John Della Volpe and “Won’t PAC Down” (ugh, that is so goddamned cheesy) finds Vice President Kamala Harris’s favorability rating up to 49 percent to from the 33 percent found during the last round conducted on July 3rd. In the six-way race with assclown Robert F Kennedy Jr, Jill Stein, etc included in the field Harris, leads convicted felon former President Trump 42 to 33 percent with Kennedy in third at 7 percent, an improvement from Trump 32 to Biden 31 to Kennedy 15 on July 3rd.

“Today, President Biden and Vice President Harris are launching ‘Time Is Money,’ a new governmentwide effort to crack down on all the ways that corporations—through excessive paperwork, hold times, and general aggravation—add unnecessary headaches and hassles to people’s days and degrade their quality of life. Americans are tired of being played for suckers, and President Biden and Vice President Harris are committed to addressing the pain points they face in their everyday lives. The Administration is already cracking down on junk fees—those hidden costs and surcharges in everything from travel to banking services – that hit people in their pocketbooks.”

“Now the Biden – Harris Administration is taking on the corporate practice of giving people the run around, wasting their precious time and money,” says the White House in a statement.

“Americans know these practices well: it’s being forced to wait on hold just to get the refund we’re owed; the hoops and hurdles to cancel a gym membership or subscription; the unnecessary complications of dealing with health insurance companies; the requirements to do in-person or by mail what could easily be done with a couple of clicks online; and confusing, lengthy, or manipulative forms that take unnecessary time and effort,” the statement continues before going into specifics like “Making it easier to cancel subscriptions and memberships,” “Ending airline runarounds by requiring automatic cash refunds,” “Allowing you to submit health claims online,” “Cracking down on customer service “doom loops,'” and “Limitations and shortcomings of customer service chatbots.”

Get it? Because “drag” and… Anyway, the source confirmed this is real, and tweeted that it was taken in 2012. It just looks like a silly Halloween costume of a childless cat lady.

A recently paroled felon sought in the Tuesday murder of an 83 year-old man in a Santa Fe, New Mexico Best Buy parking lot was apprehended in Las Cruces on Saturday evening after robbing an Arby’s and carjacking a woman outside, KRQE reports and, well hindsight being 20/20 and all, iy was probably a mistake considering most wanted criminals should want to avoid attracting attention.

That’s just us though. We don’t know what was going through 38 year-old Zachary Babitz’s head when he decided to metaphorically pull the trigger on that specific course of action four days after not metaphorically pulling the trigger on an innocent senior citizen. Probably a lot of meth, just judging by the looks of Babitz. Other than that and all Monday quarterbacking aside, was it really the smart play here? Like we get that maybe he just needed some cash to keep the meth-fueled binge going. He’s human after all. It’s just there probably would have been some more discrete options for pilfering cash and food, like simple burglary or shoplifting. Hell, go stick up a drug dealer.

Yet here we are, with a crystak clear inflection point in this saga, with no need to invoke the tragedy of Icarus: If you’re wanted for murder then you really should just resist whatever urges compel you to rob an Arby’s and carjack someone in broad daylight. Just keep your tattooed head down.

“Challenge accepted! Starting at 12:01 am, Aug 9, the 2024 Florida Python Challenge™ kicks off, with competitors searching the Everglades to find and remove invasive Burmese pythons. Hundreds of people have registered for their chance to win up to $10,000 in prizes while working to protect Florida’s native wildlife and our incredible Everglades ecosystem. Under the leadership of Governor Ron DeSantis, the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, the South Florida Water Management District and the Fish & Wildlife Foundation of Florida host the annual competition to increase awareness about invasive species in the state and the threats they pose to Florida’s ecology. The annual competition also offers the public an opportunity to get directly involved in Everglades conservation through invasive species removal, with this year’s event running until 5 pm on Sunday, Aug 18,” said the Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife in a Thursday press release.

At this point we just take for granted that Florida actually has to do this, that their state is such a goddamned mess environmentally that they need to outsource exterminating the vicious invasive reptiles that prey upon the vicious native reptiles to a Hunger Games-ish contest where the state’s legions of impoverished yokels compete with each other. And that the wildlife agency has to mention the “leadership of Governor Ron DeSantis” because that little bastard’s fragile ego needs to be affirmed in this press statement (three times total, including the part we clipped above).

We’ve got all that priced in here. What did raise our eyebrows however was the ™ appearing in the statement. They fucking trademarked their annual python hunt? Was DeSantis worried that some tourist trap outside Orlando would profit unduly off of his “leadership” by naming their reptile zoo the same? Or that some enterprising clothier could hawk “Florida Python Challenge” t-shirts to participants to toss on before they trudge into the swamps to decapitate the serpents with shovels?

Yes, we’re overdoing it on Trump posts. Problem is he’s overdoing the mental breakdown. This is fucking deranged even by his standards. Just prior to the above post, the fatass wrote “Has anyone noticed that Kamala CHEATED at the airport? There was nobody at the plane, and she ‘AI’d’ it, and showed a massive ‘crowd’ of so-called followers, BUT THEY DIDN’T EXIST! She was turned in by a maintenance worker at the airport when he noticed the fake crowd picture, but there was nobody there, later confirmed by the reflection of the mirror like finish on the Vice Presidential Plane.”

“She’s a CHEATER. She had NOBODY waiting, and the ‘crowd’ looked like 10,000 people! Same thing is happening with her fake ‘crowds’ at her speeches. This is the way the Democrats win Elections, by CHEATING – And they’re even worse at the Ballot Box. She should be disqualified because the creation of a fake image is ELECTION INTERFERENCE. Anyone who does that will cheat at ANYTHING!” he continued, with a screenshot of failed 2022 MAGA Florida congressional candidate Chuck Callesto’s tweet from Saturday that “BUSTED” Harris for “faking” the image: