The new Papa John’s “Shaq-a-Roni” pizza, described as an “extra-large pizza that’s covered with extra pepperoni and extra cheese” with “toppings are spread all the way to the edge and cut into 8 Shaq-sized slices – our largest slice ever” is available for purchase only to a privileged elite of so-called “Rewards Members” as of Thursday evening, a National Zero investigation has revealed.

The pizza item, endorsed by star of the smash hit 1994 Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis fighting video game Shaq-Fu, the 1996 family comedy classic Kazaam, and a series of television commercials for a product called “Icy-Hot” that are typically aired during daytime broadcasts, Shaquille O’Neal, is emblematic of a growing class divide in the United States in which arbitrary barriers to entry to educational and employment opportunities, social connections, justice, and 8 Shaq-sized slices of extra pepperoni pizza are erected at whim by parties far removed from the life-and-pizza-altering consequences of their decision making experienced by the working class and also the working class, middle class, and wealthy who are not Papa’s Rewards members.

What drives the powers that be at Papa John’s to perpetuate this dreary, Dickensian purgatory of have-Shaq-a-ronis and have-Shaq-a-roni-nots? Is it just them going through the motions of generating a non-existent scarcity as only capitalist drones such as they are know how to do, attacking all those who question the system as radicals and heretics? “Someday you could be a Papa’s rewards member too!” they say to those striving desperately for entry into their exclusive circle of pizza, knowing full well that many, perhaps even most, will never see the gilded inside, savoring the taste of the extra cheese and pepperoni endorsed by Shaq.