“Statement on Arizona U.S. Senate Race by President Donald J. Trump: Attorney General Brnovich of Arizona was given massive information on the fraud and so-called ‘irregularities’ that took place in the 2020 Presidential Election. Many people said that he would do nothing about it because that just seems to be the way he is. I felt differently because the numbers and sheer amount of crime committed is so compelling, irrefutable, and determinative the election result would have been entirely different. Well, he did a report, and he recites some of the many horrible things that happened in that very dark period of American history but, rather than go after the people that committed these election crimes, it looks like he is just going to ‘kick the can down the road’ and stay in that middle path of non-controversy. He wants to be politically correct. Because of the amount of time that it took him to do the report, which was endless [that is true, it was so fucking boring we had to make stuff up to make our article on it entertaining], his poll numbers have been rapidly sinking. Now, people are upset with the fact that while he states the problem, he seems to be doing nothing about it – he doesn’t give the answers. What a shame for the Great State of Arizona, and for our Country itself!” says Former Guy in a statement, probably dooming Brnovich.

In another statement, the Fat Bastard appears to be complaining that he’s not there to help force Ukraine to surrender to Putin: “It doesn’t make sense that Russia and Ukraine aren’t sitting down and working out some kind of an agreement. If they don’t do it soon, there will be nothing left but death, destruction, and carnage. This is a war that never should have happened, but it did. The solution can never be as good as it would have been before the shooting started, but there is a solution, and it should be figured out now – not later – when everyone will be DEAD!”