Surprise! Guns banned at Trump NRA speech

Fat former President Trump won’t worry about some libtard secretly infiltrating the NRA and shooting him in the genitals this weekend, because his speech is in the “NO GUNS ALLOWED” room of the conference center, NPR reports. That’s right! Unlike Robb Elementary 4th grader Amerie Jo Garza or any of her classmates who were killed on Tuesday, Trump won’t face any danger from Texas gun owners. He’ll be protected from harm because guns won’t be allowed anywhere near him. Even though he’s not president anymore and his death wouldn’t affect the government because Joe Biden is President now, he still gets protection Amerie did not get. That’s so MAGA!

Random thoughts Friday, Volume CC

Rudy turns over watches, car to Georgia election workers

Cantaloupe’s crew reconsidering Fox’s latest abuser for Pentagon

Blondi to bark at reporters in White House press briefing room

Fox urges failing chains to close before January 20th

Johnson commands Ethics Committee to bury Gaetz report

Mike Pence swings in to oppose RFK Jr nomination

“Look, Matt Gaetz is a brilliant legal mind”

Steven Cheung considers Pete Hegseth rape matter closed

Nancy Mace ready to spank the monkey testing lab in her state

Four Canadians burned alive last month because Tesla doors stuck

Future First Lady-in-exile debuts new digital grift

Leading US import making big impact with Caribbean Islanders

This is so much better than a veto

Roadkill expert to lead Trump HHS

Four arrested for insurance fraud after biologist determines it was a guy in a bear suit that ripped up Rolls Royce’s interior, not a bear

Cornhole wants to see House Ethics report on Matt Gaetz

Veteran anchor weighs in on Trump’s unconventional cabinet picks

The Onion wins Infowars auction

“Stop shit like this”

Premature explosion ruins date with Brazilian Supreme Court

The Horror

Rudy lawyerless

Joint Chiefs on chopping block: report

Matt Gaetz resigns

FBI raids Polymarket founder’s home

Oklahoma school district failed to protect LGBTQ student who later committed suicide, federal investigation finds

Say hello to Attorney General Rapey McForehead

“Uncommitted” asshole pleads with Biden to do something now

China relieved to see Little Marco lead State Department

John Thune elected Senate Majority Leader

WATCH LIVE: Washington invaded by otherworldly forces

Orange Hitler tells House GOP to figure out how he can run in 2028

Melania unlikely to move into the White House

Ohio Republican seeks to ban colleges from asking for pronouns

Jones ally to offer 7-figure bid for Infowars at auction

Elect a clown, get a circus

“The only thing I could think of when I heard that Trump won was that my mom is coming home”: psycho Capitol rioter’s daughter

Michiganders “protest” local Diary of Anne Frank performance

Boaters forced to endure Disney cruise after catamaran sinks

Britain devastated by deer outbreak

Regular guest on Ancient Aliens lands exciting new job

Climate change side effect to increase climate denialism: report

Bangladeshis ask Interpol to arrest fugitive ex-dictator

MAGA Latino says Trump won’t deport “family-oriented” illegals

Kremlin says they expect their asset to earn his paycheck

Minnesota man kills sons, wife, ex and himself because Trump got elected again, the New York Post doesn’t report (but wanted to)

Wicked Barbie doll packaging points to porn site URL

Private prison company stock prices rise again

Nick Fuentes apparently confirms he pepper sprayed lib woman