R’Bonney Gabriel, an Asian American model from Houston, was named Miss Universe in a spectacle (?) that didn’t even include representatives from the majority of nations divided by arbitrary borders on this globe, let alone a single representative from another terrestrial or extraterrestrial species–yeah, go ahead and deny that human privilege doesn’t exist–so the whole Universe thing is really overblown. I mean which one in the Multiverse is she the Miss of, anyway, and yeah, maybe I need to check the label on the gummies before I grab a handful.
[22 minutes later] So anyway, Gabriel represented the United States in the outdated pageant that featured women from 84 countries, CNN reports. Reports that Donald Trump tried to barge into the contestants’ dressing room at the New Orleans Convention Center were quickly shot down when it was pointed out these contestants were all over the age of 18. [That last part isn’t true. But you know that ’cause you’re smart. Okay. Just checking. Damn gummies.]