“Coatimundi Attacks Hiker. On Sunday, March 23, 2025, the Cochise County Sheriff’s Office was contacted about a wild animal attack in Ash Canyon south of Sierra Vista. A USDA Wildlife Specialist responded to the area and could not locate the animal, however he will return later tonight/early in the morning to search again. The man who was attacked advised that he was hiking in the area, and upon returning to his vehicle he observed a coatimundi on his hood,” says a Facebook post from the Cochise County, Arizona Sheriff’s Office and this would be a good time to explain what the fuck a coatimundi is: A relative of cacomistles, coatis, kinkajous, olingos, and olinguitos.

And raccoons. Actually raccoons would probably be the best point of reference here given that kinkajous and olingos sound like those vicious apex predators from Oompa-Loompa land.

Continued from the Cochise Sheriff: “The hiker advised that he shouted and waved his arms to get the animal to leave at which time the animal tore off a windshield wiper of the vehicle before jumping down and attacking the man. The man was able to get inside of his vehicle but not before the animal scratched and bit him, leaving injuries requiring medical attention. The man is receiving the rabies vaccine at a local hospital as a precaution before traveling back to his home in Tucson. The animal will be tested for rabies upon locating it and we encourage people spending time in rural / mountainous areas to be aware of their surroundings and not attempt to engage any wild animal.”

As of Tuesday afternoon wildlife officials were still looking for the fucker, per KTAR.