New York City this week will become utterly unbearable this week when rising temperatures will force residents to endure small talk like “Hot enough for you?” and “My brother cooked an egg on his car! See? He sent me the video,” creating a hellish nightmare from which the white noise of air conditioners running full blast will only provide a partial respite. May God have mercy on our souls.

The actual National Weather Service bulletin says “A Heat Advisory is issued when the combination of heat and humidity is expected to make it feel like it is 95 to 99 degrees for two or more consecutive days, or 100 to 104 degrees for any length of time. Seniors and those with chronic health problems or mental health conditions are at an increased risk. Homes without air conditioning can be much hotter than outdoor temperatures. Use air conditioning to stay cool at home or go to a place that has air conditioning. If you don’t have home air conditioning, continue to seek out cool spaces each day as long as it remains hot, and for a few days after if your home is still hot. Check on vulnerable friends, family members and neighbors. To reduce risk during outdoor work, the Occupational Safety and Health Administration recommends scheduling frequent rest breaks in shaded or air conditioned environments. Anyone overcome by heat should be moved to a cool and shaded location. Heat stroke is an emergency! In cases of heat stroke call 911.”