January: Rioters once again storm the Capitol, demanding that Joe Biden be removed from the presidency. But unlike last year when domestic terrorists wanted to install Donald Trump, this group wants the world run by K-Pop band BTS, because Jungkook is dreamy and everything will be okay if they’re in charge. The plot fails when the rioters have to get home before their curfew.
February: Knowing they have to do something to capture the American public’s attention, the House Select Committee investigating the J6 attack leverages Americans’ love of TV crime procedurals and drafts former Law & Order star Sam Waterston to interrogate witnesses in televised hearings. Shockingly, under Waterston’s questioning, Alex Jones breaks down on the stand and admits that he killed the woman from the coffee shop to cover up his theft of fur coats. In the aftermath of the revelation, Chairman Bennie Thompson changes the name of the committee to “Law & Order: Domestic Terrorism Unit,” and viewership soars. TNT picks up syndication rights.
March: In a debate on the run-up to the Pennsylvania Republican primary for an open US Senate seat, New Jersey resident Mehmet Oz attacks Connecticut investment banker Dave McCormick, calling him a carpetbagger. “I’ve lived in the Commonwealth since January,” Oz boasts. “You moved here last month,” Oz states, before launching into a policy position that green coffee beans will be an immediate boost to the economy, and they will clear your colon.
April: Surprisingly, North Carolina Congressman Madison Cawthorn signs up for Season 31 of Dancing with the Stars, paired with pro Witney Carson. After surviving elimination in Week 1–thanks, in part, to fellow contestant 88-year-old Bernie Kopell breaking a hip performing the paso doble–Cawthorn gets booted in the second week after his assault weapons-themed Charleston leaves seven crew members seriously wounded and judge Bruno Tonioli hospitalized in shock. Cawthorn blames Carson for the debacle, claiming that a “real Christian” partner, not a Mormon, would have done a better job coaching him. Carson counters by stating Cawthorn only showed up for two rehearsals and repeatedly groped her, claiming it was his right as a Congressman.
May: After all his court challenges to January 6th subpoenas fail, Donald Trump claims that the justices on the Supreme Court are all Deep State plants paid for by Hugo Chavez and George Soros. However, when he’s told the hearings are being broadcast live to the public, he opts to testify. The hearings turn into a debacle, with Trump repeatedly demanding retake after retake, and insisting he has the right to final approval for what finally makes the broadcast. Told that would be impossible because the hearings are being aired live, Trump screams that they’d let Obama make edits and asks why Hunter Biden isn’t questioned.
June: Rudy Giuliani, bankrupted after losing multiple lawsuits to Dominion Voting Systems, Smartmatic and two Georgia election workers, takes a job as a greeter at a Walmart in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. He’s fired after two days when customers complain about getting showered in his spittle.
July: The selectively-contagious Theta variant of the coronavirus, which mutated at the annual meeting of the Texas Republican Party, spreads across the country, impacting Independence Day celebrations because this version is shown to target people who voluntarily play the Lee Greenwood song, “Proud to be an American.” The only treatment is to expose the patients to classical and jazz music, a treatment which is shunned in Red States. GOP governors tell citizens no one can tell them what to listen to and Fauci only says its the song because he’s a communist. Population in those states drops 18%.
August: During an interview with Bret Baier, Ewic Trump takes to the airways to complain that the Deep State and the Mainstream Media are conspiring to defeat him in his effort to win a Senate seat from Maine because they haven’t covered his campaign at all, claiming that their animosity toward him is a sign that he should clearly win the election in November. Trump’s remote feed suddenly cancels out after Baier informs him there’s not a Senate election in Maine until 2024.
September: Peter Doocy dies during a White House press briefing when Jen Psaki informs the Fox correspondent that Joe Biden celebrates Labor Day by honoring American workers, not women giving birth. Doocy spins as he tries to refocus his question to show that Biden doesn’t really care about expectant mothers, and witnesses hear a giant sucking sound as his head implodes, getting sucked into his neck. An autopsy reveals Doocy punctured his eardrum while clearing his ears with a chopstick, leading to the catastrophic collapse of his empty cranium. His brain cell did not survive.
October: Midway through an NFL game, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady collapses on the field without being hit, and as the medical crew remove his helmet, they discover a grey-haired, wrinkly man with brittle bones in the uniform. The condition is linked to a concurrent house fire at a New England property owned by Patriots owner Robert Kraft, where a charred portrait of a young Tom Brady is found in the ashes. After missing two plays, the decrepit Brady returns to the field and throws two more touchdown passes.
November: Days before the midterm elections, races are thrown into chaos as dozens of indictments are handed down from numerous grand juries around the country: Donald Trump gets indicted on various financial fraud, abuse of power, and assaults on fashion sense. Junior and Ewic face charges relating to funneling thousands of kilos of cocaine through a fraudulent baking soda company, leading to pounds being mistakenly put on Walmart shelves around the country. Ivanka is arrested for wearing white after Labor Day. More than 29% of GOP nominees are found to have illegally accepted campaign contributions from Trump’s PAC, and Donald Trump sues the executive director of his PAC for giving money away. Jim Jordan and Kevin McCarthy flee to Russia as their involvement in the 2020 coup attempt becomes public, as does a scandalous love affair between the two. Josh Hawley denies having ever served in the Senate as he’s taken away by Capitol Police. Majorie Taylor Greene is arrested in her office while playing Brickbreaker. Paul Gosar is committed to a mental institution. Matt Gaetz is detained on his second job as a student portrait photographer for elementary schools. And Lauren Boebert is rushed to the emergency room after striking her femoral artery with a bullet when a gun falls on a shelf in the background of a Zoom call where she’s fundraising from supporters in Belarus. Republicans lose the midterms because their base is either dead, in jail, or listening to Lee Greenwood.
December: Wrapping up a second successful year in office–with a healthy economy, continued job growth, widely-accepted social welfare programs and all surviving Americans inoculated against the coronavirus–President Joe Biden addresses the nation to promote a new initiative to promote universal medical care for children under the age of 21, a program Republicans take to the airwaves to condemn as unnecessary and costly. Chuck Todd calls the program the end of the Democratic Party, and Mitch McConnell and Ted Cruz state that children are generally healthy and don’t need medical care. Upon hearing this, Jesus Christ Himself appears on the floor of the Senate to warn the GOP to take His lessons to heart; afterwards, Maine’s Susan Collins expresses her concern about following the directives of a foreigner and Louisiana’s John Kennedy declares the Bible the new Communist Manifesto. Rand Paul urges people to remove crosses from their houses of worship to burn them, declaring Jesus Christ to be an anti-American Mau Mau revolutionary who should be detained at Gitmo. Polls show 86% of self-described Republicans as agreeing with them.