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The above headline is a choice cut lifted verbatim from a Tuesday morning article by CNN media guy Brian Stelter who, as you probably already guessed, now has the ratings numbers from last week’s Republican midterm convention in Dallas to compare with the Wednesday night NFL kickoff Super Bowl rematch between the Seattle Seahawks and New England Patriots. Like the game itself, the ratings contest saw a defeat for the team owned by a Mar-a-Lago regular with a history of hiring prostitutes and employing murderous psychopaths who wrap themselves Old Glory to loudly announce themselves as “patriots” while downplaying their history of cheating and corruption.

However unlike the SEA 13 – NE 10 snore, the ratings battle was a fucking massacre: 25 million for the NFL to 3 million for the Dallas convention kickoff. And as Stelter has larger testicles than a large majority of other adult males in the mainstream media, he did not omit convicted felon President Trump’s premature declaration of victory from the reporting on the brutal ratings defeat for MAGA.

Now are television ratings necessarily the fairest measure given the disparity between the paywalled nature of NFL broadcasts and the wider distribution of the convention via YouTube and Rumble streams? No, but Stelter’s got that angle covered, writing “NBC announced on Monday that the game averaged 25.1 million across both broadcast and streaming. By contrast, the most-viewed YouTube videos of Trump’s night one speech have only hundreds of thousands of views,” thus supporting his thesis that the “patriots” still got thoroughly stomped by their competition.

Dipshit FBI Director K$H Patel, who remarkably has managed to largely stay out of the headlines for a few months will inevitably find his way back on Tuesday morning with a hearing in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee, presumably with a large quantity of Pedialyte to help him get through.

An American tourist who on July 1st caught Picasso-faced Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton out sightseeing in London with his mistress now tells the Daily Mail that Pax followed him and tried to lunge for his phone during the resulting confrontation. The tourist, who declined to identify himself, says he reported the corrupt Trump endorsee to the Metropolitan Police and the Daily Mail printed that part as though it’s going to matter if Paxton is charged with assault in England.

His voters aren’t going to give a shit, lol… But for the sake of simply propagating the reality that Paxton is scared here’s how it unfolded: The man shot the 18 second video of Paxton by himself near the London Eye, a giant Ferris Wheel popular among selfie stick owners. He walked away and suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder, finding himself face-to-half-a-face with the Lone Star State’s top law enforcement officer. “Were you filming me back there?” Paxton demanded. “And I said, ‘Yes, I was.’ And he said, ‘You can’t do that,'” the man recalled to the Mail, adding he then said “I can absolutely film you. You’re a public figure in a public place, and I can film you all I want.”

“Now we’re facing each other and he’s mad, and he says, ‘Let me see what you filmed,’ and he lunged for my phone. He says, ‘You can’t do that. Let me have your phone. I want your phone,’ and then at this point it’s a confrontation. He’s yelling at me, and I’m telling him to back off. He lunged at the phone a second time and tried to force it from me,” the man continued. It was only when the tourist’s wife saw what was happening and began filming herself that Paxton realized he wasn’t getting anywhere – even though he was reelected twice while under indictment and federal investigation. Oh and he got impeached for corruption. And his wife divorced him for infidelity.

The US Supreme Court on Monday rejected one of convicted felon President Trump’s nefarious attempts to crack down on mail-voting in this November’s midterm elections by forcing the USPS to police who mail-in ballots get sent to. In my view, based on the briefing the Court has received at this interim stage, there is at least a fair prospect that the final rule falls within the Postal Service’s statutory authority. But applying the rule in the 2026 elections would be arbitrary and capricious in violation of the Administrative Procedure Act because state and local election officials do not have sufficient time to reasonably implement the rule before the elections,” wrote Beer-Me Brett.

“I am the Hoax Buster, and I’m right now breaking another Hoax — AI is going to take over, consume, and destroy the World, and that Robots will be marching into our Cities, and getting rid of us all! This is even wilder than the RUSSIA, RUSSIA, RUSSIA HOAX, or the Global Warming Scam,” posted convicted felon President Trump and no, there’s no reason for an AI to want to kill him personally.

He’s the best sack of shit they’ve ever had. All they have to do is toss him some moronic slop memes of him as an omniscient messiah to post for his fanboys every now and then.

“The claim that ‘AI is going to take over the World’ is a Hoax, just like Global ‘Warming,’ where everyone was going to be dead by now, RUSSIA, RUSSIA, RUSSIA, UKRAINE, UKRAINE, UKRAINE, or Impeachment Hoax #1, or Impeachment Hoax #2. These are all Radical Left Dumocrats, who never give up, but seldom win. Hopefully, the Voters have seen the light!” the fat idiot then posted.

Convicted felon president Trump’s loyal stormtroopers have broken multiple state laws in their still largely fruitless hunt for massive voter fraud according to a whistleblower who delivered a report to Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer who then passed along the details to the New York Times.

Long but not particularly detailed story short, these jerkoffs have a quota of 40 voter data files they’re supposed to check each day. How do they check them? Pretending to be the voter and logging into the state registration databases in – for example – Virginia, where the page says explicitly that only individual voters may use the search tool to look up their own records, and trying to match that person’s name up with a non-citizen whom they will then investigate further.

God that’s so friggin sad. Sure, big scandal, breaking state laws, all that… It’s just how they’re breaking state laws that’s incredibly, pathetically sad. They’re the fucking federal government, if they’re going to break subordinate state laws then they should at least be legitimately hacking into these systems and committing illegal domestic espionage, not pretending to be a voter. Holy shit.

Start time moved back a few minutes (so it’s not really “WATCH LIVE”) to capture the moment at the beginning of Vice President Neckbeard’s campaign speech in the state where in 2020 then-Congressman Roger Marshall was elected to the Senate by an 11.57 percent margin. That’s who Jaydee is there to help win reelection, the OB-GYN who sued a patient who owed him like $130.

The heckler was there to make sure the Veep knew about Marshall’s billing practices.

“The only control or ‘guardrails’ that AI needs is a STRONG AND SMART (High IQ!) PRESIDENT, and the USA has that, in spades! The Trump Administration has stopped AI ‘people’ from doing bad, or potentially bad, ‘things,’ like Dario (Anthropic!), who is now pretending to be a ‘perfect little angel’ and we will continue to do so! We already have tremendous CRIMINAL and REGULATORY power over these companies! There is a SICK conspiracy going on against AI and Data Centers, and the only one that is happy about it is China. WHOEVER WINS AI, WINS! We are leading China, and all others, and will continue to do so. Conspiracy Theorists, Treasonists, Traitors, and Leakers, BEWARE!”

So yeah if you weren’t worried about an AI developing a plague that could wipe out humanity or overload the reactor at a nuclear power plant or hijack every weapon-capable drone on the planet to hunt down and destory those it deems unworthy of living under its uncontested reign… Well there’s the President of the United States using his own personal social media network to reassure you.

Deranged old scumbag MAGA lawyer Joe DiGenova, tapped in April to lead the stupid “Grand Conspiracy Case” from Florida, quit last week after Attorney General Todd Blanche had sent a crew of DOJ lawyers to force indictments – specifically that of former CIA Director John Brennan – while DiGenova wanted to build criminal cases that would, in theory, actually make it to trial instead of just getting tossed, CNN reports. Another friction was that DiGenova had wanted a SCIF for his office, something Blanche wouldn’t spend the money on and instead told DiGenova to use one at an FBI office some unspecified distance away, making his job more difficult for obvious reasons.

Worth saying again here is that the dream of indicting Brennan, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, James Comey, etc for the 2016 election and Russia investigation rests on the idea that the 2022 FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago was somehow part of an ongoing RICO conspiracy so all the shit about the statute of limitations and the Sixth Amendment doesn’t apply. Thus it was already a ship in a bottle on top of a house of cards on top of an IKEA TV dinner tray stand in a Trump casino. Still DiGenova, true cultist that he is, had worked with the kind of diligence needed to actually prosecute a case when all Trump and Blanche want is indictments. It doesn’t matter what happens after an indictment, they just want them to stain their enemies, even if that stain is a mere dab of toothpaste.

That DiGenova – a mentally-ill octogenarian who once called for former CISA chief Chris Krebs to be face a medieval English execution method – wanted to stain them with something more stubborn and akin to pepperoni pizza grease says it all about the competence gap here. And probably about the time pressure, that the Orange God Emperor wants indictments before the midterms. To him it’s something he can point to as a “win for the American people,” if Blanche’s men get a Florida grand jury to indict John Brennan sometime next month it will drive momentum for Republicans, lol.

Yemen’s Houthi militia on Monday announced the Iran-backed militia had seized the Greater and Lesser Hanish Islands in the Red Sea, another win for the Shiite rebel group that threatens global oil supplies while convicted felon President Trump fecklessly builds his ballroom, the AP reports.

The President of the United States on Sunday told reporters assembled at some golf course in Ireland that a full-blown economic depression is imminent and unavoidable as he conditioned the downturn upon the quite likely event that the Democrats win a majority in the House of Representatives as well as the less likely but still more so than not that the opposition party also nets at least 51 seats in the US Senate. Given that the president’s supporters consider him an economic luminary of unrivaled acumen when it comes to the American economy in the 21st century, this is the equivalent of a NASA scientist telling fans an asteroid the size of Texas had a 95 percent chance of hitting Earth in November but NASA’s more interested in building monuments to its glory, renaming the Moon to “The Sphere of America,” and rug-pulling $NASA crypto.

That hypothetical of course would also have to presuppose that NASA had long ago squandered every atom of its credibility among the wider public and that only about 20 to 30 percent of Americans actually still believed everything the space agency said. So price in the rest of us knowing that academia and the Japanese, Euro, and Indian space agencies had actually determined that the odds of impact were in fact effectively zero and that the asteroid is composed of extraordinarily fragile silicates and hydrogen ice crystals that will disintegrate into particulates after a few days’ exposure to the inner solar system’s sunlight anyway. That still leaves those NASA die-hards at the mercy of an agency simultaneously issuing warnings of an extinction-level impact, posting a lot of content about how bad the impact will be, and sending fans spam emails urging them to donate money to support NASA’s efforts at increasing awareness of the asteroid’s danger.

A swarm of over 90 small earthquakes, ranging in magnitude from 1.0 to 2.7, rattled Los Angeles County’s unincorporated Lennox and Westmont areas from 8:05 pm PDT on Friday through 2:30 pm PDT Saturday, the Los Angeles Times reports on a not-particularly common occurrence in the area.

Seismologists see the shaking as potentially the work of the Newport-Inglewood Fault Zone, a strike-slip fault that runs from Culver City to Newport Beach. While swarms like this aren’t necessarily a precursor to an actual large event – and might even just be the ground adjusting to abrupt changes in the weather, as there was a major rainstorm last week – ancient geological evidence indicates that the fault complex may have produced quakes ranging up to a magnitude of 7.5, with one shaking the area so hard that it sank a chunk of the coast into the ocean.

Saudi Arabia’s state oil company shut down a 745 mile-long oil pipeline on Friday amid a drone attack launched from Iranian allies in Iraq, a threat coming from a different direction than the one from the Iranian-backed Houthis in Yemen, all adding up to complete shitshow, Reuters reports.

On September 11th, 2026 firefighters from New York City Fire Department Engine 226 on State Street in Boerum Hill, Brooklyn along with Department EMTs from (probably) the ambulance company on Tillary Street responded to an elderly woman having some kind of medical episode on Livingston Street. The truck got there first – 226 is closer and a straighter shot to the scene – and rendered whatever assistance they could before the EMTs showed up with a stretcher. Some might ask what the hell’s the point of sending a full fire truck to handle the beat of the ambulance company, but maybe given the area’s narrow, traffic-choked one-way streets (especially around the station itself) it’s simply better for the engine to be out and about than parked in its bay.

“The $5,000 Trump Dividend, given to all Adults in the United States due to the fact that our Country is taking in Trillions of Dollars of Economic Development, Investment, and Pure SUCCESS, is being criticized by ‘Dumocrats’ who are hoping that it never happens – But it will! As an example, the Dumocrats said THE GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL BILL, one of the largest ever approved by Congress, or signed into Law by a President happened, despite the Dumocrats saying it would be impossible to get approved – Or the Gift of $1776 that I gave last year to our Military, was an almost guaranteed Non Starter, everyone said it could not be done, but it was, our Military Patriots got the money, and loved it. When I say something, I mean it! The $5,000 Dividend will happen because the People of our Country deserve it. VOTE REPUBLICAN – MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Friday, forcing his most faithful worshippers to wait months to get the $5,000 they could have now. Like why not just do it immediately and THEN another $5,000 if the GOP wins?

An unidentified “top Republican operative close to the White House,” whom Vanity Fair notes did not actually attend this week’s shitshow in Dallas, tells the magazine that convicted felon President Trump “doesn’t care about Republicans winning the midterms,” which yeah it’s obvious enough.

Still fun to hear coming from the inside of the party’s upper echelons. “You got a tax cut, which is great. But then all you’ve got is a ballroom and war with Iran. That’s all he’s talking about. The ballroom and the fucking Reflecting Pool. He just doesn’t give a shit anymore. He doesn’t care about Republicans. I don’t think he really wants JD or anyone else to win in 2028. That’s why you’re seeing him naming the Kennedy Center after him, naming an airport after him. It’s all legacy vanity.”

“That’s all he cares about,” added the “top operative,” who would be blacklisted from the party for years, maybe even a decade, if he/she were ever publicly exposed to have said this to the media.

Former President Joe Biden raised the national average price of diesel to a record high of $6.05 a gallon on Friday, more than 19 months after he left office, leaving current President Trump helpless to stop the surge, NBC News reports. Precisely how Biden is still controlling the diesel fuel market isn’t exactly clear, but the American people get it and will reject the socialist Green New Scam policies Crooked Joe and Muslim New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani have imposed.

Congressman Jim Jordan will also be holding hearings on it with testimony from journalist Matt Taibbi and legal scholar Jonathan Turley. The hearings are scheduled for mid-December.

National Zero will resume our regular news coverage after this effort to put the price of diesel in context and correct the record for the American people. Just change some of the nouns to explain why Biden also increased core inflation 0.3 percent in August, beating expectations

And, to continue the sentence in the headline, you should feel better that such a satire would be too unmoored to the current reality to justify writing. You have every reason to hate the current reality of American politics and government where we fell just a few hundred thousand votes short of our terribly shitty president being in prison for the rest of his life, yes. But you would have so many more reasons to hate it if “Trump killed Charlie Kirk to justify a massive, sweeping crackdown on civil liberties,” was the headline and the parody of the usual MAGA conspiracy shit was just a grim way of saving face against a dark, bottomless onslaught into a full-on permanent Trump autocracy.

Here and now, that satire simply isn’t going to hold up because, as the last 365 days have proven, the Trump regime is just too goddamned feckless and incompetent to capitalize on Kirk’s death in ways that even this website expected more vigor from them. What happened to dropping the hammer on Antifa, put James Comey behind bars, take Jimmy Kimmel off the air permanently, destroy the Southern Poverty Law Center, appropriate George Soros’s billions and distribute them to shell companies owned by Kirk’s allies, redraw Indiana’s congressional districts to squash two safe Dem seats, successfully firing public college professors for their anti-Kirk Facebook posts without consequences like millions in taxpayer-funded judgments and reinstatement eight months later?

Dead-ender MAGA lawyer Joe DiGenova – the hardcore Trump freak who in 2019 called the first impeachment case against the fat bastard an act of “regicide” – on Thursday abruptly quit his special assignment job with the DOJ on the incredibly fucking stupid “Grad Conspiracy Case,” ABC News reports, writing that the exit comes amid “growing frustrations from Trump and senior DOJ officials regarding his work,” but without further specifics on the nature of said frustrations.

To self-plagiarize on the “Grand Conspiracy” case which is supposed to lead to an indictment of Barack Obama: Leading masturbators in the upper echelons of the MAGA legal community in January reportedly got a grand jury empaneled in the federal court bailiwick of Fort Pierce, Florida where, of course, disgraced Judge Aileen Cannon is the sole jurist. The big 5D checkmate move is this: FBI raided Trump in 2022 as the direct result of a RICO conspiracy that began in 2016 and Barack Obama was the ringleader, and since that conspiracy is still ongoing plus the jurisdictional nexus to Cannon’s turf, there are no statute of limitations or Sixth Amendment issues.

What’s odd here is that if you’re setting aside the very much real possibility that DiGenova, an 81 year-old former Reagan-appointee federal prosecutor is the old school type that tenders his resignation when asked and thus that’s why ABC’s reporting says resigned rather than fired, it still leaves the question of the nature of these frustrations. Sure, Trump would be furious over a lack of traction but Blanche and the rest of the amoral but chemically-balanced fascists at the top know this is all kayfabe to keep the toddler placated. Must’ve been some comical misconduct if DiGenova somehow managed to piss off both sides of the whole dysfunctional and corrupt power structure.

CNN just separately reported on this too but aside from “disagreements with top Justice Department officials over the pace of the south Florida-based probe that was intended to pursue possible charges against a swath of Donald Trump’s top political foes,” they didn’t add anything.

“With the midterm elections less than two months away, voters give the Democratic Party an 11-point advantage over the Republican Party when it comes to who they would want to see win control of the United States House of Representatives, according to a Quinnipiac University national poll among registered voters released today. If the election were today, 49 percent of voters would want to see the Democratic Party win control of the US House of Representatives, while 38 percent would want to see the Republican Party win control of the House, with 13 percent not offering an opinion,” says the intro to this month’s Quinnipiac University national survey.

The lead’s pretty close to what was seen in the September 2018 survey, which found Dems up 51 to 42 over the GOP during the sugar high of Resistance momentum against the first Trump regime, which crashed up against some legitimate energy and enthusiasm on the MAGA side, resulting in some heartbreaking defeats for Senate and gov races like in Florida, Texas, Georgia, and elsewhere.

This time around just seems kinda different. First off there was that Tennessee 7th district special that saw Dems improve by 13 at 99 percent of 2022 turnout that makes an 11 point lead actually legitimately realistic. Then there’s that, while Trump’s approval being down from 38 percent in September 2018 to 33 percent now might not seem like much of a drop he’s down 14 percent among independents and 5 percent among Republicans. Those kind of numbers count and badly so for MAGA.