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In an article that’s difficult to read even after you translate it from Hebrew to English, local site IsraeHayom.co.il apparently reports that neckbeard Vice President JD Vance ripped into Israeli dictator Benjamin Netanyahu in a private meeting, demanding that he put a leash on the militant settlers in the West Bank who for years but increasingly in the last few weeks have run rampant in the ghettoized territory, burning down people’s houses and violently attacking them in the streets.

The site observes that “the most amazing part of the angry messages is who is expressing them. Not the Joe Kents – radical Republicans who flirt with neo-Nazis – but rather the greatest Israel lovers in the administration. They are the ones clapping their hands in despair from disappointment.”

Sur-fucking-prise: The New York Times reports the convicted felon President Trump, who constantly bitches about mail-in ballots and has for years, once again voted by mail in a local Florida special election for Palm Beach’s state House seat. “Mail-in voting means mail-in cheating,” Trump said in Memphis on Monday. “I call it mail-in cheating, and we got to do something about it all.”

Red Lobster has been riding high with a company turnaround story, but behind the scenes it’s running out of money https://t.co/SehE1C1myd

— Bloomberg (@business) March 24, 2026

Okay fine, you already guessed. The New York Post reports, verbatim, that Bobby Brainworms wrote in his diary “about cutting off the penis of a road-killed raccoon in 2001, while his ‘kids waited patiently in the car,’ so that he could examine it later,” an episode that somehow got missed amid all the hype about the dead baby bear and the beached whale whose head he chainsawed off.

It’s in a lengthy Sunday piece headlined “How three controversial father figures influenced Robert F Kennedy Jr’s sometimes shocking views – and drug use,” which also mentions that a teenage Bobby spiked everyone’s drinks with a laxative at his brother David’s birthday party, a week after their father was shot dead by Sirhan Sirhan. One of the “father figures” mentioned is Harvard professor Robert Trivers, a friend of Jeffrey Epstein who once told Reuters that “by the time [girls] 14 or 15, they’re like grown women were 60 years ago, so I don’t see these acts as so heinous.”

Trivers, a sociologist, died nine days ago at the age of 83, apparently of natural causes.

“My wife was formerly promiscuous. I was a virgin. She was then radically born-again. Committed to church, evangelized constantly, Puritan books in her bedroom, prayer journals, grief over past sexual sin, etc. We got to know each other well for over a year, dated for four months, engaged for two and a half, and didn’t sin sexually with one another. Our first kiss with each other was at the altar on our wedding day (reaction pic attached!),” says the opener to a lengthy Monday tweet from Christian Entrepreneur Trevor Sheatz, founder of OnTheMount, Inc, a social media consultancy for churches.

No, doesn’t look like the time to begin oversharing online. Maybe in six months or a year is when the old taboos can be tossed out the window and a new age of openness with strangers can begin.

No need for any details, the headline enough carries it and you can check out the CNN article if you really want the specifics about the $1 billion waste in taxpayer money. It’s just that now’s a good a time as any to remind you that convicted felon President Trump in 2024 pledged to lower electricity rates by at least 50 percent by this year if Americans returned him to power and then again for Virginians and New Jerseyans to elect Republican governors. Cry more libtards!!!

In other news about the fully debased and enshittified internet of the 2020s (BY THE WAY DONATE TO NATIONAL ZERO WITH WHATEVER DISPOSABLE INCOME YOU CAN SPARE), enshittified bullet-point-based news site Axios reports that scam betting platform Kalshi is anticipating which way the regulatory wind is blowing and banning politicians and athletes from wagering on the platform.

The Axios article links to a “statement” from Kalshi that returns a 404 not found, lol.

It’s also not clear what the hell this is going to do. Athletes are just going to use cut-outs and it’s hard to see any politician personally betting on it because that’s what stocks are supposed to be for.

Aides and staffers are the self-cut-outs in those situations and they’ll continue to clean up unless and until there’s a toothy legislative package with serious penalties as well as de-anonymization.

Ukrainian-born homemade porn tycoon Leonid Radvinsky, who donated at least $11 million to AIPAC in 2024 alone, died of cancer Monday at the age of 43, NBC News reports on the passing of a guy with what some in the MSM are no doubt euphemistically calling a “complicated legacy.”

Are there some performers out there who are financially successful where they wouldn’t have been otherwise if not for the site? Sure. OnlyFans has been great for them. Might that one fucking freak in Florida who killed his brother and parents after they found out he pissed away $200,000 of their money on a Bulgarian OnlyFans model have killed them for some other reason? Probably shouldn’t rule it out. Have way too many other families suffered in less violent but by no means harmless ways because of similar obsessions? Yes. If the whole thing’s just one giant trolley problem then the OnlyFans trolley ran over a lot of people – performers whose lives were upended for the worse in various ways, not to mention candidates on AIPAC’s shit list – it might not have if it never existed.

And furniture too. Cops in Florida last week arrested 31 year-old Nicolette Keough for pissing on $3,980 worth of furniture in Airbnbs she rented to film her piss-themed OnlyFans videos.

This is why Republicans without Trump struggle to win. They collapse. https://t.co/9FiZWSljPl

— Laura Ingraham (@IngrahamAngle) March 23, 2026

Sources tell Time Magazine that, for the first time since 2016, convicted felon President Trump is skipping CPAC, the mass cult gathering in which he is slavishly worshipped like a golden bovine.

The precise reason why is unclear, but Time suggests it could have something to do with it being in Texas rather than the usual National Harbor, Maryland venue. Not really sure how that’s an issue either but who the hell knows with this fat, old weirdo and his random peccadilloes.

Okay… Now…

Alright… The headline of the WUSA story says, verbatim “Quadruple amputee cornhole player accused of shooting, killing man during argument while driving,” and apparently the suspect, 27 year-old Dayton Webber, has indeed a following in the professional world of the beanbag-tossing game that’s a staple of 21st century backyard barbecues as a safer alternative to horseshoes. The article even links to a guest editorial by Webber dated July 31, 2023 on NBC’s Today Show’s website in which the man introduces himself as having been born healthy but tragically had all of his limbs amputated at 10 months old due to a streptococcus pneumonia blood infection. He’s still able to grip a beanbag with his upper arms and hurl it at the other board with the precision needed to succeed at the game. Thus WUSA made the right call in introducing him as a “cornhole player.” All good.

We’re still left adrift on the shooting. Totally, completely, absolutely lost in the blackest aether as the DC CBS affiliate writes that Webber “was driving near La Plata Road and Radio Station Road [in La Plata, Maryland] shortly before 10:30 pm when he allegedly shot and killed [27 year-old passenger Bradrick Michael] Wells during an argument. After the shooting, Webber allegedly pulled over near Llano Drive and asked other passengers in the car to help pull Wells out of the vehicle.”

“Investigators say the witnesses refused to help Webber and got out of the car. Afterward, Webber reportedly drove off with Wells still in the car. Nearly two hours later, the sheriff’s office says someone reported a body in a yard in the 10000 block of Newport church Road in Charlotte Hall.”

According to a timeline pieced together by CNN’s Brian Stelter, a woman identified only as “Linda in Arizona” on Friday called into supreme chodes Clay Travis and Butt Buck Sexton’s radio show and floated the idea of deploying ICE agents to airports as TSA disintegrates, which Travis later brought up during a Fox News appearance while Trump was watching, leading the Orange God Emperor to make his decree on Truth Social less than 24 hours after Linda’s call to the show.

The White House refused to comment on the timeline, per Stelter. Travis and Sexton’s show wasn’t so shy, posting “On Friday, a caller named Linda proposed a brilliant idea. Friday night, Clay talked about it on Fox. Today, President Trump took the advice! Way to go, Linda,” on Facebook.

Jeff Webb, a right wing douche who founded some kind of cheerleading competition business – so in all likelihood a sex prest too – and billed himself as Charlie Kirk’s “mentor” following the 31 year-old propagandist’s September 2025 assassination, died Thursday at the age of 76, two weeks after suffering what the Daily Mail describes as a “freak” pickleball accident during a game.

The trashy British rag did not elaborate upon what made the accident so “freaky” in nature, like if it was some kind of gruesome Final Destination-type shit or what – or what Candace Owens’ theory is and how it fits into her grander narrative. Either way, Webb’s death follows that of Kirk’s and of the other Turning Point USA co-founder Bill Montgomery, who died of COVID in July 2020, aged 80.

This live feed picked up after Trump threatened a Newsmax reporter and said Iranian state TV is “going to have to get better public relations people” for contradicting him, lol.

A Welsh drug dealer in the midst of a crisis of conscience and desperate to turn himself at a police station in late December was told to come back during regular business hours so that his self-criminal complaint could be handled, the man told a court last week, Wales Online reports.

Anthony Edgell, 36, was driving an Audi A3 in Carmarthen on December 27 when he plowed the starter luxury sedan into a utility pole and fled on foot from the scene, leaving £5,100, worth of weed, £1,050 in heroin, £30 of cocaine in the vehicle. Cops were looking for him when Edgell dialed 999 (the UK’s 911) and confessed to the dispatcher that on top of all that he was driving without insurance. Edgell then walked to a police station and, per his lawyer, told the station was closed and he needed to “go back there in normal business hours.” The weed and heroin guy neglected to return but didn’t put up a fight either when cops found him at his sister’s house 10 days later.

Edgell, a longtime recidivist, pleaded guilty to possession with intent to supply class A and B drugs, possession of cocaine, and driving without insurance. The judge gave him 36 months in the clink.

Hungarian dictator Viktor Orban on Monday ordered an immediate investigation into reports that his party is colluding with Russian intelligence agents ahead of next month’s big election, specifically demanding they find out who “wiretapped” his foreign minister and exposed the collusion with Russian intelligence agents, rather than if any of his own allies broke the law, Reuters reports.

The reporting – that Budapest’s Foreign Minister Peter ⁠Szijjarto would take breaks from private EU meetings to personally call his Kremlin counterpart Sergei Lavrov to keep him posted – could’ve been timed better for Team Orban given that his far-right Fidesz party may really indeed be doomed in the April 12 election. Center-right opposition Tisza party leads most polls with a wide margin.

House Oversight Chairbilly James Comer and similarly stupid Fox Business News anchor Maria Bartiromo on Monday expressed deep skepticism over Iranian state TV’s responses to convicted felon President Trump’s claims of productive peace talks. The response, described by Bartiromo as Tehran saying that “Trump capitulated” and “There are no direct or indirect talks taking place with the Trump regime, this is from a spokesperson for the IRGC and it is being run on Iran state TV. They say it’s a ploy to buy time for military preparations,” was dismissed by Comer who said he doesn’t “know how trustworthy Iranian state TV is. It’s probably like a couple liberals networks that come to mind.” Set aside the fact that irony’s still dead and he’s saying this on the American version of state TV – and you’re still left with this painfully fucking dumb idiot questioning the official reaction of Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps leadership delivered via their state media channel. It was not in any way “reporting” like this dipshit conflates it with. It was an official statement, not subject to interpretation of whether the statement was or was not issued, irrespective of one’s priors.

“At approximately 10:18 am this morning, IPD was contacted by Cargo Largo Security regarding a suspicious powder substance located in the packaging of a Barbie Doll. IPD determined the substance was fentanyl and immediately began an investigation with Cargo Largo to determine how many compromised units were sold. It was determined five compromised units were sold. IPD has tracked down four of the units. Only one unit remains outstanding and we have an active lead we are working to track it down. IPD’s investigation revealed the dolls themselves were not compromised.”

“Fentanyl was discovered taped inside the back packaging of the dolls. There is no reason to believe compromised units were sent to other retailers and no injuries have been reported. This remains an active investigation,” wrote the Independence, Missouri Police Department in a Facebook post on Sunday, later updating it to say they tracked down the fifth one before some little girl opened it and was killed on contact with the powerful opioid. Hopefully they had a clean replacement handy.

Stay tuned to National Zero for much more in “Shit that Joe Biden would be directly blamed for if it had happened in 2023 but the right wing and mainstream media ignore in 2026” news.