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While the name Gladden Pappin sounds like a character from some lazy ripoff of Dickens, he is in fact a real person and really does serve as a top outside advisor to neckbearded Vice President JD Vance. According to the Atlantic, the Harvard-educated Catholic extremist Pappin believes some not very realistic shit, specifically that convicted felon President Trump will dissolve Congress and then the Pope will coronate Third Lady Melania Trump as queen of the United States of America.

It makes sense in the historical context of Pope Leo III coronating Charlemagne as Carolingian/Holy Roman Emperor in 800 AD and then subsequent pontiffs conferred upon later monarchs and other medieval rulers in that kingdom and elsewhere in Europe. And also as the kind of logic underpinning the liquor-fueled ravings of a fascist nerd during what a source described as a 2018 meeting of the Intercollegiate Studies Institute at which Pappin expressed as a certainty – that then-Pope Francis would elevate the Catholic-raised former illegal immigrant “artistic” porn performer as the divinely righteous absolute sovereign of the United States – rather than an aspirational hope kind of thing.

“This is what will happen,” said Pappin, according to Jeff Polet, the director of the Ford Leadership Forum at the Gerald R Ford Presidential Foundation, confirming independently what the Atlantic’s Isaac Stanley-Becker had previously heard from others about Pappin’s gushy daydreams of Melania Regina I, Dei Gratia Regnorum Americae et Terrarum Ceterarum Regina, Fidei Defensor.

A barrel of West Texas Intermediate crude oil sank down to $110.92 a barrel as of this printing on what CNBC reports are “investors awaiting possible Iran and US ceasefire,” a little over 24 hours after convicted felon President Trump had threatened to destroy every bridge and power plant in the country and that “there will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fuckin’ Strait, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living in Hell – JUST WATCH!” and then, for reasons still unclear, added “Praise be to Allah!”

So no, it doesn’t seem as though markets really know what’s going on with Trump and Iran.

The CEOs of delivery bot manufacturers Serve Robotics, Starship Technologies, and Coco Robotics tell Business Insider that people who encounter their automated couriers on sidewalks have not been nearly as abusive or violent toward the units as they had expected prior to launch.

Coco CEO Zach Rash said his initial fears of the bots being piled up like trashed Bird rental scooters were mitigated by the design of his company’s units being more “like R2-D2 instead of C-3PO,” and contrasting the neurotic, effete humanoid translator droid who doesn’t shut the hell up with the more useful trash-can shaped Dell tower on wheels who speaks only in tonal beeps and chirps. “C-3PO is a little annoying and gets stuck all the time. No one really knows what R2-D2 is supposed to do, but it is constantly fixing all the problems and being super useful and enjoyable,” said Rash.

So yeah, the robots are designed to look more infantile and sympathetic to prompt passerby to help them if a wheel gets snagged on uneven pavement. “If the robot’s stuck somewhere, it looks sad and people run over and help it,” said Rash. Serve CEO Ali Kashani said that his company last year added a routine to have their “Mingo” delivery bots ask other pedestrians to press the crosswalk button for it to help speed up delivery times. Los Angeles TikToker Will Gude documented an occurrence of this – and him telling “Mango” to “fuck you, press it yourself” and “you want me to do your job for you?” – only for other users to urge him to be nicer to the “baby” in the replies.

“I’ll get these messages telling me that I’m a punk for going after a robot, challenging me to fight, or that they’re going to kick my ass and they’re dead serious,” Gude told Business Insider.

This is a satanic administration. We all realize that satanic Zionists occupy the White House and Congress needs to move to have the Mad King Trump removed.
All of our lives may depend upon other countries realizing that Trump is deeply unwell and surrounded by religious…

— Candace Owens (@RealCandaceO) April 5, 2026

“All of our lives may depend upon other countries realizing that Trump is deeply unwell and surrounded by religious fanatics who have convinced him that he is a messiah. We are in uncharted territory. Leaders worldwide need to act accordingly,” continued Candace after the cutoff.

“I have known and respected Steve Hilton, who’s running for California Governor, for many years. He is a truly fine man, one who has watched as this once great State has gone to Hell. Gavin Newscum and the Democrats have done an absolutely horrendous job. People are fleeing, crime is increasing, and Taxes are the highest of any State in the Country, maybe the World. Steve can turn it around, before it is too late, and, as President, I will help him to do so! With Federal help, and a Great Governor, like Steve Hilton, California can be better than ever before! Steve Hilton has my COMPLETE and TOTAL ENDORSEMENT. He will be a GREAT Governor and, importantly, WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!!!” posted convicted felon President Trump at 1:22 AM on Monday.

If Trump wanted to get a Republican elected as governor of California this is EXACTLY what he should not have done and consolidated the GOP side of the top-two “jungle primary” field in which Steve Hilton and that MAGA sheriff had led given the self-cannibalization on the Dem side. Staying out of it would have been the thing to do. Trump did not stay out of it, and now it’s far likelier that all the GOP votes will accrue to Hilton, one of the Dems – possibly Eric Swalwell – will come in second in the primary, and then proceed to absolutely crush Hilton in the general in November.

Trump could’ve just waited until after the primary to endorse if he really wanted Hilton to win.

In an actual sentence printed by Politico just a few minutes ago, Medicare beat reporter Rob King writes “Republicans argue it will help shift the spotlight off complaints about health care affordability during Trump’s first year in office, as well as counter Democratic attacks over the more than $1 trillion in Medicaid cuts in last year’s One Big Beautiful Big Act, which polls show are also unpopular.”

King did not specify who these “Republicans” are arguing with though it seems they’re trying to sell him on the idea that voters will be sufficiently distracted by all this performative bullshit to not take their frustrations over said Medicaid cuts out on the GOP on the ballot in November because further cuts to services for poor people in Minnesota will something something make voters in West Virginia somehow less upset over cuts to their services enacted last year. That’s the message, right?

Selling the opposite was healthcare-centric GOP strategist Joel White, who said “Cracking down on fraud can help Republicans reinforce a message of accountability and stewardship, but it’s not a substitute for addressing what voters care most about – crushing health costs. Unless it’s paired with a clear plan to lower costs, anti-fraud efforts are unlikely to outweigh those concerns in 2026.”

“Republicans should highlight that they are protecting taxpayer dollars and trying to lower costs, and that means getting health reforms enacted this year to drive premiums down by 2027,” White continued, sounding EXACTLY like the kind of guy Fox News does NOT ever call to book.

'JUST WATCH!' President Trump sends a direct, explicit message to Iran, warning that the U.S. military could target key infrastructure as soon as Tuesday if the rogue regime refuses to let ships safely pass through the Strait of Hormuz. pic.twitter.com/UeT1Onx6bM

— Fox News (@FoxNews) April 5, 2026

“Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. There will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fuckin’ Strait, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living in Hell – JUST WATCH!”

“Praise be to Allah,” posted convicted felon President Trump at 8:03 AM on Sunday, his brain swelling like a freshly microwaved Peep as he threatened war crimes against Iranian civilians and, to National Zero’s knowledge, apparent used “fuck” in a social media post for the first time ever.

The crazy bastard also posted “We have rescued the seriously wounded, and really brave, F-15 Crew Member/Officer, from deep inside the mountains of Iran. The Iranian Military was looking hard, in big numbers, and getting close. He is a highly respected Colonel. This type of raid is seldom attempted because of the danger to ‘man and equipment.’ It just doesn’t happen! The second raid came after the first one, where we rescued the pilot in broad daylight, also unusual, spending seven hours over Iran. An AMAZING show of bravery and talent! I will be having a News Conference, with the Military, at the Oval Office, on Monday, at 1:00 PM. God Bless our great MILITARY WARRIORS!”

The second crew member of the US Air Force F-15 downed over Iran on Friday was rescued early Sunday local time in the Middle East, Fox News reports on what’ll be called an Easter miracle.

“Elevated costs in fuel and logistics have increased the cost of operating across the industry. We have absorbed these increased costs so far. However, similar to other major carriers, when costs remain elevated, we implement temporary surcharges on fulfillment fees to recover a portion of the actual cost increases we are experiencing,” says an “Amazon Seller Central” notice posted Thursday.

“Starting April 17, 2026, a 3.5 percent fuel and logistics-related surcharge will be applied to fulfillment fees across Fulfillment by Amazon (FBA) in the US and Canada as well as to Remote Fulfillment with FBA from the US into Canada, Mexico, and Brazil. Starting May 2, 2026, this surcharge will take effect for Buy with Prime in the US and Multi-Channel Fulfillment (MCF) in the US and Canada. Due to the work we have already done together to lower costs, this surcharge is meaningfully lower than other major carriers. The surcharge will be calculated on your fulfillment fees, not on the sale price of your items,” and blah blah blah, the post continued.

Somewhat hilariously, it’s not a blog post, but a topic entry on a message board site the company stood up for its seller community to trade knowledge with each other, and as such the post by moderator “News_Amazon” got one upvote to 42 downvotes. Unlike Disqus you can’t see who upvoted by hovering the cursor over the little thumbs up icon, which is a shame because if it isn’t a mistake by a regular user or the “News_Amazon” account self-upvoting then it’s definitely some dickhead exec with a stake in this division’s earnings simply rubbing it in for the sellers. Maybe outside chance it’s an actual seller who also happens to own a decent amount of Amazon stock too.

“Remember when I gave Iran ten days to MAKE A DEAL or OPEN UP THE HORMUZ STRAIT. Time is running out – 48 hours before all Hell will reign down on them. Glory be to GOD!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Saturday, that last bit actually as real as the moronic misuse of “reign.”

It followed him posting, very consciously and unironically, a dig at the New York Times out for a minor error, “The Failing New York Times, whose lack of credibility, and their constant Fake News attacks on your favorite President, ME, has caused its circulation to absolutely PLUMMET, referred to our severely weakened and extremely unreliable ‘partner,’ NATO, as the North American Treaty Organization. The correct name is the North Atlantic Treaty Organization – A very interesting mistake! The hiring and educational standards have gone way down at the NYT. Bring back, ‘ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO PRINT’ and, Make America Great Again! President DJT”

Tekashi 6ix9ine, the deranged recidivist criminal NYC rap artist who’s been in and out of jail for various stupid crimes over the years, was out again on Friday and especially excited to show off a souvenir from his most recent stay at Metropolitan Detention Center in Brooklyn: A SpoongeBob Squarepants toy autographed by former Venezuelan dictator Nicolas Maduro, the Globe reports.

“Fresh OUT THE FEDS $2,200,000 on the neck. GOD IS THE GREATEST. MY LORD AND SAVIOR,” the rapper, real name Daniel Hernandez, captioned the jail release video that was recorded by “vorbara” a Brooklyn jeweler who had evidently held on to the “$2,200,000” piece for Hernandez during the stay at MDC. “@vobara we did ittttttt… MADURO SINGNED [sic] MY JAIL HOUSE SPONGE9INE.”

Hernandez’s latest bid – three months for violating the terms of his supervised release by possessing meth and traveling without permission – began roughly around the same time the socialist former dictator’s after the stunning US military raid on Caracas that ended in his capture and indictment on any and every drug trafficking and narcoterrorism charge they could hit him with.

But at least his autograph holds personal and sentimental value for Hernandez/Tekashi 6ix9ine, who was probably embarrassed for everyone to have seen his Jesus-length hair in its natural dark brown color rather than the Skittles-bright rainbow pattern he unfailingly sports in public appearances. It’s not clear if he intends to bring a toy Luigi with him for another famous inmate’s autograph next time.

In other hip-hop news, the Los Angeles Times reports Pooh Shiesty, Big30, and six others were hit with a massive federal indictment for kidnapping and robbing Gucci Mane over a contract dispute.

"A FOCUS ON RETURNING TO FAMILY"
New trends showing Gen Z women favoring the “tradwife” lifestyle over the “girlboss” image. @LaraLeaTrump reacts. pic.twitter.com/uIP1TMHCe5

— FOX & Friends (@foxandfriends) April 4, 2026

“KEEP THE OIL, ANYONE?” posted the President of the United States Friday, showing the American people just how worried he is for the safety of the pilot who ejected after being shot down over Iran.

In response to a lib Villager’s Wednesday letter to the editor of Villages-News.com suggesting that the “public toilets in Lake Sumter Landing should be renamed Trump Toilets, with a little sign that says, ‘Dump for Trump,'” MAGA Villager Dr Tyler Nelson on Friday was triggered, writing he’s assuming the lib Villager “is upset that Trump put his name on Kennedy Center. The Kennedy Center was in disrepair, the roof was leaking and it was in debt in the red for many years. President Trump raised money to fix the center and get it in the black, restore fiscal sense and remake the board.”

“As far as the ballroom at the White House, President Trump has secured PRIVATE funds to build a ballroom. Hard to believe the US had no ballroom to welcome dignitaries from around the world.”

“Again, at NO COST to taxpayers. I’ve been to Anti-Trump and Pro-Trump protests in The Villages, I’m convinced the Pro-Trump rallies are two to three times better attended. I believe The Villages is MAGA country. For the most part, I think MAGA far outweighs the progressive liberals living in The Villages. No, [lib Villager Vincent] Pizzo, we are not renaming bathrooms after our president, but maybe a rec center or theater or road some day in the future is quite possible. Stay tuned!”

Nelson did not further elaborate on how the future tribute to Trump would be immune to acts of petty vandalism from lib Villagers such as using it as a toilet as a sign of disrespect.

Binge-drinking date-rapist Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth appears to be against what they used to call “Papists,” as an email from the Pentagon chaplaincy inviting over 3,500 staff to a Good Friday service, obtained by the Huffington Post, reads verbatim: “Just a friendly reminder: There will be a Protestant Service (No Catholic Mass) for Good Friday today at the Pentagon Chapel.”

“I guess so the Catholics know their kind ain’t welcome. It’s so ridiculous,” said the employee who forwarded the email to the outlet, a message confirmed in a terse statement. “The Protestant service is the only service scheduled in the Pentagon chapel today,” said a spokes-minion.

There’s an asterisk here and it reveals that the source probably isn’t a practicing Catholic – or even a Catholic at all: “No Catholic Mass” is literally true in the sense that Good Friday is the one day of the year that no priest or parish anywhere will preside over a formal mass and minister communion, a tradition that dates back to as early as 600 AD. That however does NOT at all preclude the chapel from holding, at the very least, a less formal Catholic prayer service, if not the Stations of the Cross procession every “Papist” congregation holds on “Always Look on The Bright Side of Life” Day.

So yeah given Boozebreath’s constant invocations of Evangelical “warrior” shit it’s unlikely his fingerprints aren’t on this in some way or another. Nothing against him being a Prod but it’s kind of cunty of him to be all into the aesthetics of the Catholic Crusades with his fucking “Deus Vult” and Maltese cross-like tattoos but not actually respect those of the faith under his command.

Picture of a photograph from inside DOJ headquarters Friday sent to MS Now.

One of the two crew of the F-15 downed over Iran Friday was rescued by a special ops team sent by an unspecified branch of the US military, Newsmax reports. The search for the other continues.

“Burger King® has launched a nationwide hiring search, aiming to bring up to 60,000 new Team Members – from entry level roles to management positions – on board to rule its nearly 6,500 restaurants across the US. The push comes on the heels of one of the brand’s most transformative periods in years, marked by modernized restaurants, improved operations, and initiatives that put Guests at the forefront. These efforts are driving more Guests to BK restaurants across the country, driving an immediate need for people with a passion for friendliness and hospitality to serve them.”

“A job at a Burger King® restaurant can be a launchpad to a lifelong career. The brand has long been one of America’s largest employers in quick service, with millions of Americans having worn the uniform over the brand’s 70+ year history. Working at a Burger King® restaurant builds real, transferable skills, from customer service and communication to team leadership, problem-solving, and restaurant operations. What starts as a first job becomes the foundation for something much bigger – often leading to management positions and in some cases, Franchise ownership,” says a major multinational company in a stunning Friday announcement of success and growth in the Trump economy! Promises made, promises kept! Scream at the sky, libtards! JOBS JOBS JOBS!