Think about how many criminal illegal aliens you could fit in this bad boy!https://t.co/nZkBEj4evQ pic.twitter.com/GH3SL1va0M

— Homeland Security (@DHSgov) August 5, 2025

This is a liver toxicity fever dream yet real. You can’t even say it’s like overtly troll-ish or fascist. Shit even calling it “cringe” is a stretch. Cringe makes you cringe. This is something else.

Coming to Oklahoma state Superintendent of Education Ryan Walters’ defense after the better part of two weeks of the far right assclown being left high and dry while accused of playing porn on a TV in his office during a meeting with the members of the Sooner State’s Board of Education and then falsely claiming the investigation into the incident was closed and he had been exonerated, state House Speaker Kyle Hilbert says he believes the TV was tuned to a 1985 Jackie Chan movie called The Protector, the Oklahoman reports on an oddly credible twist in the story.

“In my opinion, the most plausible explanation for what occurred that day is that the television, which had only been in the superintendent’s office for fewer than two months, automatically launched Samsung’s free streaming service and began playing a film that contained explicit content, without anyone in the room realizing it at the time,” said Hilbert as he explained his theory.

Which is actually genuinely 100 percent plausible. The two members of the board who saw the television screen said they had only briefly glimpsed naked women in a massage table-like setting and weren’t sure if it was actually porn. The Protector, Chan’s second American-produced movie, one still set and filmed in his native Hong Kong, does indeed feature a scene in a massage parlor with nude women. The free “Samsung TV Plus” does have literally thousands of channels of random movies and filler content. There’s literally a fucking Dawson’s Creek channel. It’s all Dawson’s Creek, all the time, 24-goddamned-seven. Furthermore, if you so much as sneeze too close to a Samsung TV remote you can suddenly find yourself watching Bigfoot Beyond The Trail: Searching for The Alaskan Sasquatch featuring an exclusive interview with a Bigfoot-themed rock musician.

“Violent crime is out of control in major Democrat-run cities across America. Biden-Harris allies like Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg and Philadelphia DA Larry Krasner are releasing violent criminals back on the streets with no regard for the alarming rise in violent crime or safety of their cities. Meanwhile, left-wing policymakers at the state and local level are passing radical pro-criminal policies that make it harder to put repeat criminals behind bars and out of American neighborhoods. Americans are less safe under the Biden-Harris Administration and their pro-criminal policies,” wrote spandex-wearing grapple-freak Jim Jordan’s House Judiciary Committee on October 2, 2024 as they sold the feels of the apocalyptic election season in which everyone was getting murdered, every day.

Then on Tuesday the FBI released its annual national crime stats report and – shocker – they “violent crime decreased an estimated 4.5 percent in 2024 compared to 2023 estimates: Murder and non-negligent manslaughter recorded a 2024 estimated nationwide decrease of 14.9 percent compared to the previous year. In 2024, the estimated number of offenses in the revised rape category saw an estimated 5.2 percent decrease. Aggravated assault figures decreased an estimated 3.0 percent in 2024. Robbery showed an estimated decrease of 8.9 percent nationally.”

MAGA might as well go with “The criminals were pricing in a Trump victory and chickened out.”

Worth asking at this point if the games are even going to happen. Or if this senescent loser will still be alive to see them if they do. Trump just confused Kristi Noem with an LPGA golfer.

“Crime in Washington, DC, is totally out of control. Local ‘youths’ and gang members, some only 14, 15, and 16-years-old, are randomly attacking, mugging, maiming, and shooting innocent Citizens, at the same time knowing that they will be almost immediately released. They are not afraid of Law Enforcement because they know nothing ever happens to them, but it’s going to happen now! The Law in DC must be changed to prosecute these ‘minors’ as adults, and lock them up for a long time, starting at age 14. The most recent victim was beaten mercilessly by local thugs. Washington, DC, must be safe, clean, and beautiful for all Americans and, importantly, for the World to see.”

“If DC doesn’t get its act together, and quickly, we will have no choice but to take Federal control of the City, and run this City how it should be run, and put criminals on notice that they’re not going to get away with it anymore. Perhaps it should have been done a long time ago, then this incredible young man, and so many others, would not have had to go through the horrors of Violent Crime. If this continues, I am going to exert my powers, and FEDERALIZE this City,” posted the “Law and Order” president on Tuesday after spending some time on the roof of the White House.

He should totally do it, annoy the shit out of the cops and get hundreds of them to quit, then figure out how to blame someone else when Lindsey Graham gets stabbed in the liver by a vagrant.

“Attorney General Ken Paxton has announced that the continued refusal to perform legislative duties by Texas House Democrats who broke quorum constitutes abandonment of office and that he will pursue a court ruling ensuring that their seats are declared vacant. Speaker of the Texas House Dustin Burrows has given members until Friday, August 8, to return to Texas and present themselves before the House. Any lawmaker who has not been arrested and returned or fails to appear by the Speaker’s deadline will be subject to aggressive legal action by Attorney General Paxton,” said corrupt white nationalist Texas Attorney General Picasso face in a statement on Tuesday.

Pax doesn’t actually think it’ll work but has to perform for the MAGA base anyway.

In an article headlined “He fell 25 feet over a waterfall onto rocks below. His screams alerted rescuers,” USA Today journalist Natalie Neysa Alund puts forth a compelling argument as to why you should scream when in dangerous situation and require assistance, writing “Screaming for help, a hiker was rescued after falling over a waterfall and landing 25 feet down in ‘a rocky pool,’ according to officials in Southern California” in the lede to underscore just how crucial the act of screaming was to the man’s rescue from the treacherous rocks of Big Falls in San Bernardino County.

Unstated, but heavily implied in the text is that the man would in all likelihood otherwise have perished if he had chosen to remain silent during the ordeal, that the scream was literally the difference between life or death and the responders may not have visually ascertained his position.

Indeed, the article specifies that “While the firefighters who initially responded could not see the hiker, they could hear ‘cries for help,’ the department said,” which further bolsters this implication but does not foreclose the possibility that the firefighters could have sought another vantage point.

The bottom line: Screaming works in a wide array of dangerous situations – with some important caveats, like if a vicious werewolf just killed your neighbor on his front lawn and you scream in shock seeing it from your window. The werewolf would be alerted to your position and smash through your front door, requiring you to hide in the linen closet. Then you must remain absolutely silent while the lycanthrope sniffs the air hungrily, trying to find you. If he does rip open the closet door then go ahead and scream. It won’t do anything but it’ll at least feel good to vent some negative emotions.

Lady truck driver dials 911 after Massachusetts trucker exposes his genitals https://t.co/51IoSF6NBj #TheVillages #TheVillagesNews

— Villages-News (@Villages_News) August 5, 2025

During a week in which the national average for a gallon of gasoline hovered at around $3.12, the February 9 – 11, 2025 Economist/YouGov national survey asked respondents “Six months from now do you think there will be lower gas prices” to which 59 percent of self-identified Trump 2024 voters agreed while 14 percent said higher and 16 percent said the same. Among overall respondents 44 percent expected increases to 28 percent lower and 11 percent said they’d be the same.

Six months later with gas up slightly to $3.16/gallon nationally the August 1 – 4, 2025 survey finds 43 percent of Trump fans still saying lower on the very same question and thus holding steadily impervious to the reality that not only did Trump not deliver for them with all that “UNLEASH AMERICAN ENERGY” horseshit from the campaign, he made things worse – if only marginally. Now 21 percent expect higher prices in six months while 26 percent expect the same.

The fat fuck himself this morning revised his previous claims of $1.98 a gallon up to $2.20, which was still wrong but sadly further away from the $1.84 he promised to bring about.

“Attorney General James Uthmeier is taking legal action against multiple online pornography websites acting in violation of Florida law by not requiring age verification before accessing adult content. Last year, Florida enacted HB 3, requiring commercial entities that distribute sexually explicit material online that is harmful to minors to verify that individuals attempting to access the material are at least 18 years of age. Attorney General Uthmeier today filed legal suit against Webgroup Czech Republic, NKL Associates, Sonesta Technologies, Inc, GGW Group, and Traffic F for breaking state law and endangering minors. ‘Multiple porn companies are flagrantly breaking Florida’s age verification law by exposing children to harmful, explicit content. As a father of young children, and as Attorney General, this is completely unacceptable,’ said Attorney General James Uthmeier. ‘We are taking legal action against these online pornographers who are willfully preying on the innocence of children for their financial gain,'” says the Florida AG’s office in a press release.

“WebGroup Czech Republic, as d/b/a XVideos.com, NKL Associates, sro d/b/a XNXX.com, Sonesta Technologies, sro d/b/a BangBros.com, Sonesta Media, sro d/b/a BangBros.com, Sonesta Technologies, Inc d/b/a BangBros.com, GGW Group, sro d/b/a GirlsGoneWild.com, GTFlix TV, sro d/b/a GirlsGoneWild.com, GGW Group, LLC d/b/a GirlsGoneWild.com, and pornographic advertiser Traffic F, sro d/b/a TrafficFactory.com publishes sexually explicit material online that is harmful to minors. XVideos.com and XNXX.com are free to access and receive hundreds of millions of visits monthly worldwide and several million in Florida alone. Despite knowing that the websites must comply with age-verification laws, the companies have openly defied HB 3 since it took effect January 1, 2025. In April, Attorney General Uthmeier wrote letters to two of the companies demanding they comply with state law or face legal action, but the companies made no changes.”

Way to tell the masturbators in your state where they can go to indulge freely, Jimbo.

Come for this desiccated virago’s cheerful and obeisance to the Orange God Emperor, saying quite literally she agrees with whatever he says, no matter what he says – and especially so at the GOP being “entitled” to five more House seats in Texas – stay for her self-soothing with some bullshit about Dem astroturfing at colleague Mike Flood’s rough Monday night town hall.

Multiple video clips circulating Tuesday show a mentally disturbed near-octogenarian wandering around the roof of his home in Washington DC, shouting at people curious as to why he’s up there.

“The US Coast Guard Marine Board of Investigation (MBI) released its Report of Investigation (ROI) Tuesday on the loss of the Titan submersible, which imploded during a June 2023 dive to the Titanic, killing five people. The more than 300-page ROI outlines key findings and contributing factors in the casualty and includes 17 safety recommendations aimed at strengthening oversight of submersible operations, improving coordination among federal agencies and closing gaps in international maritime policy,” says a US Coast Guard press release on how being smarter than everyone else got Stockton Rush and four other men killed in the abyss two years ago.

“The board determined the primary contributing factors were OceanGate’s inadequate design, certification, maintenance and inspection process for the Titan. Other factors cited in the report include a toxic workplace culture at OceanGate, an inadequate domestic and international regulatory framework for submersible operations and vessels of novel design, and an ineffective whistleblower process under the Seaman’s Protection Act,” the release continued and lol they said “Seamen.”

“The board also found OceanGate failed to properly investigate and address known hull anomalies following its 2022 Titanic expedition. Investigators determined Titan’s real-time monitoring system generated data that should have been analyzed and acted on during the expedition. However, OceanGate did not take any action related to the data, conduct any preventative maintenance or properly store the Titan during the extended off season before its 2023 Titanic expedition.”

If you have a question about the headline but don’t feel like actually watching the video the answer is yes. Yes limey Fox Business News anchor Stu Varney specifically asked if naturally-born Chinese-Americans should be banned from buying farmland and Agriculture Secretary Brooke Rollins not only didn’t say no, she said she’s going to look into whether it’s possible to work that into a ban.

See below to find some MAGA troll doing a hit-and-run where they say it’s okay since FDR was a Democrat and he was way worse to Chinese-Americans because he put them in internment camps.

Convicted felon President Trump’s reich have the audio of last month’s meeting between his defense lawyer who’s also currently empowered as the second highest ranking law enforcement official in the United States Todd Blanche and the incarcerated sex offender Jeffrey Epstein’s accomplice Ghislaine Maxwell – a meeting that led to the latter getting her offender status secretly waived so she could be moved from a normal federal prison in Florida to a Club Fed for female white collar convicts in Texas – and are “considering” releasing a transcript of that meeting, CNN reports.

What’s there to consider? They can make up whatever they want in a transcript. Audio can be easily faked these days too. It’s not like anyone even knows what the hell Maxwell’s voice sounds like so why not just have “her” say something like “It was EXACTLY like Sound of Freedom, except way more violent, that moonless night when President Trump emerged from the waters off the island in his wetsuit and slit the throat of one of Jeffrey’s guards. He then rappelled up the cliff and changed into his tuxedo, disguising himself as ‘John Barron,’ a wealthy scientist/inventor whose uncle went to MIT. I was immediately captivated by him, he was so charming and intelligent as he sipped his Diet Coke from a martini glass. Then Rook, a former Navy SEAL-turned-evil mercenary and Jeffrey’s top henchman, realized that ‘Mr Barron’ wasn’t on the list and immediately confronted him in front of the whole party… I have never seen such lethal Kung Fu moves and still don’t know how Trump managed to spear a pool cue into Rook’s eye socket from 20 feet away while firing an uzi in the other hand.”

“The National Park Service is asking for the public’s help in locating Thomas Daniel Gibbs, 35, of Freehold, New Jersey, who was last heard from on July 22, 2025, at approximately 12 pm. Gibbs’ family and friends reported him missing on Monday, July 28. His Tesla Cybertruck was found the same day in the Grandview Point parking lot on the South Rim. Gibbs is believed to have been in the Grandview Trail and Horseshoe Mesa area on July 22,” says a National Park Service bulletin.

It’s not clear why they specified “Cybertruck” in an official US government statement when several previous similar NPS press releases – all from this year – simply say “vehicle.” While one’s first impulse could, and correctly so, be that some Elon Musk minion DOGE incel installed an AI to write this press release, it’s equally possible that this is quasi-trolling by some disaffected lifer who wants to subtly say “See? This is the demographic that goes hiking by themselves in the fucking Grand Canyon in July: a 35 year-old Cybertruck owner, which already answers the question of why he didn’t have a female companion with him. One can only pray that he found solace in the Joe Rogan Experience episode he downloaded before setting out on his one-way journey into the wilderness.”

Iranian officials on Tuesday ordered government offices and banks across wide swaths of the country to close Wednesday to conserve electricity during a brutal heatwave straining the nation’s already shitty power grid, the AP reports on the day-to-day of living in a conservative theocratic state ruled by a powerful singular dictator whose authority is unquestioned even as his competence in delivering the basics in the 21st century is, well… You read all the words before that, right?

Worth asking how much this is going to cost their economy, shutting down for a day and how many such lost days would equal the cost of modernizing the electrical grid. Such a digression itself loops back to the main point that this grating article is straining to hit its audience over the head with, that the constant failures of such base fucking revanchist small dick-powered governance are universal no matter what costume your leader wears or the type of suffering he forces on women.

Convicted felon President Trump got angry and annoyed repeatedly when CNBC’s anchors did not rhetorically suck his balls over various topics Tuesday morning, like the wisdom of firing the chief of the Bureau of Labor Statistics on impulse, how much gas actually costs, whether he had anything to do with Monday’s fake announcement of another criminal investigation into the 2016 election, the timing of the last major revision of the monthly jobs report in 2024, and so on.

Picasso-faced Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, apparently not having a whole lot to do back home as the top law enforcement officer in a state with 35 million people, secretly flew to Scotland last month and showed up uninvited to casually hit the links at the same time as convicted felon President Trump, CNN reports with the assertion that Pax and Trump did not actually play together but merely crossed paths and spoke for a few minutes, Pax’s ask obvious enough.

CNN’s report also says the White House had at first denied that Paxton and Trump had met in Haggis-stan. Then, when asked again on Monday, they simply didn’t respond to a request for comment, which is kind of fucking ridiculous since they could just make up whatever they wanted and say the conversation was about immigration or the gerrymandering putsch or whatever instead of Paxton’s destructive primary bid against establishment “RINO” Senator John Cornhole Cornyn.

The article also mentions that Paxton’s first campaign ad aired earlier this summer not in Texas but West Palm Beach because of fucking course that’s what you do in a GOP primary these days.

A New York City Police Department patrol SUV responding to a 911 call in the Rockaway Peninsula, Queens area was badly t-boned by a reckless driver just after 10 pm on Monday, WCBS reports.

The other vehicle, a New York City Police Department patrol SUV responding to the very same 911 call, was pretty mangled as well. All four officers between the two vehicles were hospitalized with non-life-threatening injuries. Presumably after recovering the driver responsible will spend the rest of his/her time on the force driving a Segway or maybe one of those wienery little “Smart cars” as penance for the fuckup that destroyed two $40,000-ish law enforcement-grade Ford Explorers and hurt three of their siblings in blue. Bad, but not as bad as a forced transfer to Times Square and posting outside the M&Ms Store or even the Harry Potter Broadway show’s theater.