EPIC FAIL! The AP reports Guinea-Bissau President Umaro Sissoco Embalo did the old stiff-arm to a cadre of military officers who attempted to depose him in a coup d’etat this week.

“This sad episode, which involves some general and senior officers of our Armed Forces, jeopardizes the peace and stability so desired for socio-economic development and the attraction of foreign investment,” a statement from the armed forces General Staff reads, memorializing the suckery.

An investigation by a Dallas-area outlet “into Senator John Cornyn’s legislative record and his daughter Haley Cornyn’s lobbying career reveals a pattern of overlap: as Haley’s employers and clients benefit from key federal decisions, her father’s Senate actions often align to advance their interests. The overlap between the two has raised mounting questions about influence peddling, conflicts of interest, allegations of pay-to-play influence peddling, and whether public office is being quietly used to enrich the Cornyn family. Senator John Cornyn has long portrayed himself as a crusader for integrity in Washington, most notably in 2022, when he called for full accountability in the Hunter Biden corruption scandal,” the very plugged-in Texas outlet writes in the lede to their story, provocatively headlined “Does John Cornyn Have His Own ‘Hunter Biden’ Problem?”

“‘There is no way of knowing the entire scope of the investigation, but evidence seems to be mounting that Hunter Biden committed numerous federal crimes, including, but not limited to, tax fraud, money laundering, and foreign-lobbying violations,’ Cornyn said at the time, joining 32 other Senate Republicans. Yet even as Cornyn was publicly demanding accountability for alleged influence-peddling in the Biden family, his own daughter was quietly engaged in a career that raises strikingly similar ethical questions,” the story continues, weaponizing Cornyn’s own words in the tried-and-true “rules for thee, not for me” gold standard of accountability journalism.

Now which dogged, independent, left-coded “.org” site largely by and for Subaru-driving lesbians cranked out this article while Cornyn runs for his fifth term you ask? Funny that because it’s actually the Dallas Express, described by lefty Texas journo Steve Monacelli as “right-wing propaganda under the guise of being non-partisan and objective.” No lesbians, no Subarus, no independence.

“Democrats are no longer pretending. Today, Holder, Obama, and the entire national Democrat apparatus are openly embracing aggressive gerrymandering in blue strongholds like California, Illinois, Maryland and New York using state courts and commissions to push the envelope and tip the balance of power in the US House ahead of 2026. This willingness to redraw maps outside the traditional, census-driven process reveals the Left’s new playbook: permanent redistricting, every cycle, by any means necessary. And unless Republicans are prepared to match their focus and intensity, we risk allowing Democrats to gerrymander their way to a majority – not just once a decade, but year after year. Winning state legislative elections has always been critical to advancing the conservative movement. But this new era imposes an even greater responsibility on our committee. The fight for the future of the US House now hinges on our ability to hold and expand our state legislative majorities every single cycle,” says a memo from the Republican State Leadership Committee, basically the NRCC for state senates and houses, slamming the panic button over the redistricting war their party fucking started because irony’s still dead and will never return.

“US Senator Maria Cantwell (D-Wash), Ranking Member of the Committee on Commerce, Science and Transportation, joined Sen Tammy Duckworth (D-Ill), author of the bipartisan Martha Wright-Reed Just and Reasonable Communications Act, in denouncing Federal Communications Commission Chair Brendan Carr’s decision to undermine the 2023 law which would crack down on egregious prison phone rates and make it easier for family members to regularly communicate with incarcerated loved ones, reducing recidivism,” says Cantwell’s office in a press release.

“In a letter to Carr, the senators pointed to his previous vote in favor of adopting the legally-required implementation rules last year—the very rules he is now gutting, writing: ‘As a Commissioner, you voted for the FCC’s 2024 final rule that was adopted on a bipartisan basis, 5-0. Consistent with Congressional intent, the 2024 final rule cut prison phone rates by more than half and banned junk fees charged by providers. As you said at the time, you ‘support[ed] the decision in this proceeding to address the worst abuses and ensure that [incarcerated people’s communications services] rates are just and reasonable… Your claim that the 2024 final rule created ‘unintended consequences’ lacks any support in the record or fact,’ their letter continued. ‘Worse, by repealing the rule and delaying enforcement, your arbitrary and capricious action will inflict irreparable harm on millions of Americans who simply seek to remain in contact with incarcerated loved ones—critical connections that benefit us all by helping to reduce recidivism in a country where approximately 95 percent of all Americans sentenced to Federal and State prison will eventually reenter society.'”

Louisiana State University on Thursday announced Athletic Director Scott Woodward was out, just a day after far right Governor Tom Landry told reporters “Hell, I’ll let Donald Trump select” the next head football coach “before I let” Woodward do it when asked about the $54 million bill to fire coach Brian Kelly after the team went 5-3 in what was supposed to be a big year, CBS reports.

Woodward, it should be noted, had been hired from Texas A&M, where he cost that school $77 million to fire head football coach Jimbo Fisher. LSU will pay $6 million to Woodward to buy him out.

By a mere 15,155 votes, Netherlands fuhrer Geert Wilders’s party came in second place to centrist Rob Jetten’s D66 in this week’s national elections, ending the Reich-y Dutch Freedom Party’s first dibs on forming a coalition in Tulip-Land and priming Jetten for the premiership, AFP reports.

Jetten still has a ways to go with actually forming the coalition – a job Wilders was unable to do so he never ascended to the premiership – but he’s probably got a better chance than Crazy Geert.

Jesus Dork Speaker of the House Mike Johnson on Friday told Fox and Friends that he’s dead set on keeping the House closed until the government reopens one way or another.

Documents unsealed in a Manhattan federal court this week revealed that in 2019, following the indictment of convicted felon President Trump’s best bud Jeffrey Epstein, JP Morgan Chase officials had filed a suspicious activity report with the US Treasury Department flagging over 2,400 transactions between Dirty Jeff and a number of top Wall Street assholes, totaling over $1 billion wired back and forth, resulting in zero indictments for those plutocrats, the New York Times reports.

Among those named in the SAR were Leon Black, the co-founder of private equity firm Apollo Global Management, hedge fund manager Glenn Dubin, Alan “Dersh” Dershowitz, and trusts controlled by Victoria’s Secret founder Leslie Wexner. The activity report itself did not say what JP Morgan found so suspicious about the transactions, so it sure sounds like ass-covering from the House of Dimon.

An Indianapolis grand jury is investigating hardcore MAGA Evangelical Lt Governor Micah Beckwith’s office over allegations that staffers had shared among themselves or even created a deepfake porn video of Republican state Representative Craig Haggard’s wife and – possibly more seriously – that certain cronies had been given no-show patronage jobs in the office, Fox 59 reports.

The station viewed an official document confirming that a grand jury had heard testimony “in the original investigation into the distribution of an intimate image(s) and ghost employment in the office of the Indiana lieutenant governor” in August and then in September, but further specifics would not be available unless and until any indictments are handed down. In response to a request comment about the matter, Beckwith’s office said “Active grand juries are confidential, therefore, the office has no knowledge of any of this,” as though that was the intent of the affiliate’s question.

Of course they fucking know about the grand jury investigation’s existence, it was first reported on in August. Which leaves two possibilities: (1) Team Beckwith’s spokesperson knows that staffers testified and simply lied to the station about it (2) He doesn’t actually know if any staffers testified, which could itself be pretty freaking bad since that could mean some made deals with prosecutors.

Just like a Liberal, If you disagree with MTG now, she accuses you of being paid to do it. Then of course, she calls you sexist, just like a liberal would do too.

It's not that she went out with Democrats on the White House steps with them holding signs behind her calling… https://t.co/6p8QEpjiOr

— Catturd ™ (@catturd2) October 31, 2025

“It’s not that she went out with Democrats on the White House steps with them holding signs behind her calling Trump a child rapist No that couldn’t be it. Or she’s constantly on CNN now giving Democrat’s [sic] talking points against Trump, Or completely changing her stance on deportations (it’s on video) and I can go on and on. It’s because you’re all sexist, paid pathetic men who just hate her because she’s a woman,” Señor Turd continued after the cutoff in the embed.

Huh. You know maybe he should’ve just left it alone instead of kind of validating her. It’s not even like she wrote “Catturd is a paid influencer.” She didn’t name anyone in the tweet.

A district attorney’s office in Tennessee on Thursday dropped a felony “Threats of Mass Violence on School Property” charge against 61 year-old retired cop Larry Bushart and released him from jail over a month after he was arrested for posting a verbatim Trump quote “We have to get over it” and “Seems relevant today” in reply to a vigil for then freshly-dead Charlie Kirk, the AP reports.

“Investigators believe Bushart was fully aware of the fear his post would cause and intentionally sought to create hysteria within the community,” Perry County Sheriff Nick Weems told The Tennessean last month justifying holding Bushart with bail set at $2 million. The fact they demanded Bushart delete the reply and then arrested him when he refused might be kind of problematic.

“Very happy to be going home,” Bushart told local station WOPC-FM after his release. “I didn’t seek to be a media sensation, but here we are.” This dude better sue the fuck out of the sheriff and DA.

“BECAUSE OF THE FACT THAT THE DEMOCRATS HAVE GONE STONE COLD ‘CRAZY,’ THE CHOICE IS CLEAR – INITIATE THE ‘NUCLEAR OPTION,’ GET RID OF THE FILIBUSTER AND, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!” screamed convicted felon President Trump on Truth Social on Thursday, after apparently running out of space in his previous post which was just way, way, way too fucking long to paste here, let alone read at this hour when it’s already been a long day of MAGA bullshit.

If you credit Quinnipiac University Polling Institute‘s final survey of New Jersey’s likely voters before Tuesday’s big gubernatorial election then you can be rest easy feeling like Congresswoman Mikie Sherrill has this in the bag over Jack Shittarelli Ciattarelli. QU finds the Dem holding a pretty solid enough 51 to 44 lead over the Republican – with a pair of third-party scrubs crowding that gap at 1 percent each, putting Sherill’s lead closer to 8 percent among the voters that actually matter.

Not the most comfortable of leads because the 3.8 percent margin of error swings both ways and from there it wouldn’t take a much larger error for Ciattarelli to pull an upset at these numbers.

However, if you’re a horserace circlejerker or a fucking chode like Scott Presler, you just LOVE this morning’s Emerson/The Hill survey putting Sherrill at 49 to Ciattarelli’s 48 percent. God bless Emerson for knowing their audience and delivering them the fap material they demand.

Failed Trump assassin Ryan Routh on Thursday asked Florida MAGA Judge Alieen Cannon to sentence him to do his no doubt lengthy time in a federal prison located in a state where assisted suicide is legal, thereby ensuring that Routh will be imprisoned in a state other than California, Colorado, Delaware, Hawaii, Maine, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico, Oregon, Vermont, or Washington. Cannon may in fact take it a step further and order the Bureau of Prisons to keep Routh locked in a coffin naked with his head restrained 24 hours a day just to be on the safe side.

That lede risking giving the extremist jurist ideas out of the way, it’s a pretty much a non-starter as federal prisoners are statutorily prohibited from using any public funds for assisted suicide. There’s also that, unless it’s in Vermont or Oregon, he would need to be an established resident of the state, which is probably kind of a pain in the ass for a federal inmate to do. Lastly, he also needs to be diagnosed with a terminal illness to qualify. So maybe Ry should’ve done some research on this first before making the big ask of Judge Jackboots, who will consider it when prolonging his suffering.

The National Suicide Prevention Hotline in the United States is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week at 1-800-273-8255 or 988. Please call or text if you need to talk to someone.

Asked by Fox Newsidiot Maria Bartiromo to respond to outrage over the Trump Administration’s $40 billion bailout of Argentina, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent on Thursday defended the spending as necessary to ensure that friendly officials remain in power in the nation so that it stays viable as an option for them should he and other top leaders need to get set up somewhere else and quickly.

Bessent did not say this outright, however it’s an easy inference to make given the vast South American nation’s historical position as a refuge for members of a certain party that abruptly found themselves no longer welcome in their home country after things went south – pun intended.

Ensuring that Argentina remains politically and economically stable will in turn make their leadership more amenable in the future to reciprocating the favor in the form of modest housing, a low-profile menial job at say, a tire manufacturing plant, and passports that identify them as Argentine-born individuals who have never set foot in the US let alone ever even heard of a “Scott Bessent.”

Should the need arise, of course. Contingency planning is a must-have habit for those successful in politics and government, as sometimes your “Final Solution” isn’t really that final and you’re going to need to make yourself scarce in a hurry. Even then you’re going to want to stay scarce, just in case some folks come looking to throw you on a plane so they can show you how a noose works.

Numerous reports over the years have together corroborated that Venezuelan dictator Nicolas Maduro lives on an army base and sleeps inside of a bunker rather than in the traditional presidential Palacio de Miraflores like past leaders of the socialist South American country did.

The arrangement was first revealed in 2017 when Venezuelan journalist Vladimir Kislinger revealed Maduro uses a bunker in the Special Unit for Security and Protection of State Personalities (UESPPE) within Caracas’s Fort Tiuna for protection against potential military uprisings or aerial attacks. Spanish newspaper El Español reported in 2017 that top Maduro regime officials including then-Vice President El Aissami, ministers, and cabinet members live in secure residences within the military compound, benefiting from military protection, unrestricted food supplies from the Armed Forces food center, and healthcare access. The reasons for this are self-evident: The Maduro regime lords over a country riven by bloody criminal violence and grinding poverty they’ve done nothing to meaningfully improve – arguably even exacerbated – and the only real way for them to remain safe from the rabble is to be surrounded by hundreds, maybe thousands, of armed troops at all times.

In completely unrelated news, the Atlantic reports that Trump Reichsmarchall Stephen Miller, dog-murdering Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, binge-drinking date rapist “War” Secretary Pete Hegseth, below-average-height Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Army Secretary Dan Driscoll, and “another senior White House official, whom The Atlantic is not naming because of security concerns related to a specific foreign threat,” are all living on various military installations in and around DC rather than spending their own money renting or buying private housing.

A Kissimmee, Florida Trump fan is facing five years in prison on a single count of transmitting a threat to kill in interstate commerce after he lost patience with an automated phone bot at US Customs and Immigration Services while trying to get papers for his Colombian fiancee, telling the bot he’d torch the White House and kill ICE agents, the Independent reports, with copious detail on the man’s support for the regime’s extremist immigration policy. When it’s directed at other people.

Per the affidavit, self-employed BMW repair specialist Tristen Elijah Giroux, 30, commanded the bot to transfer him “to a customer service representative. Stupid bitch… Transfer me to a representative, dumb cunt bitch,” during the October 24th call, the total wait time of which was not disclosed.

Failing to have his inquiry escalated to a live person, Giroux then escalated his outburst on the recorded line with “I’m gonna burn down the White House. I’m gonna go choke out every ICE member I see. Kill them all.” Big Brother was listening and FBI agents showed up to arrest Giroux the very next day. The registered Republican voter confessed immediately, but offered that he was really on their side because he was “disgusted” by anti-ICE protests he had seen on TikTok. At the same time he’d been enraged over the process to bring his fiancee in from Colombia – which was already Kafkaesque a year ago before Giroux’s Orange Fuhrer and Goebbels reincarnate Stephen Miller returned to power and deliberately bricked it. Just like Giroux had voted for them to do.