PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT! President Trump’s historic victory in the 2024 election has made Bitcoin more affordable for working families across the United States, with the price of the digital currency plummeting to lows not seen in years, with the price coming down to $63,057.84 on Thursday, 49.95 percent off its all-time high of $126,251.31 in October 2025, according to CNBC.

In fact it’s $13,400 cheaper than it was just 24 hours ago! Cry more libtards! The American dream of owning a Bitcoin is now that much more within reach for so many people, all thanks to President Trump’s mastery of the crypto market miracle and the end of the Bidenomics disaster for BTC.

Expect to see lots of new investors rocking their awesome Trump 47 “The Crypto President” x Bitcoin-branded sneakers – and with a little extra swagger too. Mean tweets and cheap Bitcoin!

Does the usual “Resume our regular news coverage” satire disclaimer need to be down here when everything above was technically factual and Bitcoin really is more affordable (lol) now?

I know your post here is satire but on a serious note I honestly think I could help you out. pic.twitter.com/lFjHqIimVn

— Gain of Fauci (@DschlopesIsBack) February 5, 2026

Should’ve tried “Chuck Schumer tells reporters he’s not crying he just got some of Jasmine Crockett’s nail glitter in his eye” or “Joe Biden wanders into White House in his bathrobe again” or…

In all seriousness this “Gain of Fauci” (fuuuuuuuck) kid’s thirst in the middle of an EPIC OWNING of mass-fired Washington Post journalists – using his tweet from friggin almost eight months ago – is extra painful because it’s absolutely Babylon Bee-caliber material. Hire him five minutes ago, Seth.

Asked what the plan is for dealing with Oyewan, an elephant linked to at least three fatal tramplings, the latest victim a 65 year-old local man thrashed to death by the animal earlier this week, Thailand national parks chief Chaiya Huayhongthong wasn’t quite sure just yet, but told AFP that he and his team will meet Friday and they’ll “probably decide to relocate him or change his behavior.”

The outlet appended a “without elaborating” to the quote, rightly disclaiming any confusion about what the hell that latter option he was supposed to mean, because they sure don’t know either.

Obviously tracking and shooting an ornery bull elephant with a tranq dart, then tying him up, loading him onto a truck, and then driving him to some other sanctuary far away in a less-densely populated region is a challenging job. However unless they want to regularly shoot him with darts filled with lithium or Zoloft and also fill the jungle of his territory with recorded nature sounds more soothing than the natural nature sounds, which wouldn’t be easier or effective, then the relocation would seem to be the only option to deal with the murderous (also endangered and protected) elephant.

“Today, Congressman Andy Barr (R-KY), became the first US Senate candidate and member of Kentucky’s Congressional Delegation to back America First Patriot Ed Gallrein to be the next Congressman from Kentucky’s 4th Congressional District,” says a particularly sickeningly fellatious and ballsuckery statement from Barr’s campaign to replace the steadily failing Mitch McConnell.

“‘Northern Kentucky needs a leader who will stand shoulder-to-shoulder with President Trump and always fight for the MAGA agenda,’ said Barr. ‘Ed Gallrein is an American hero – a Navy SEAL, a fifth-generation farmer, and a small business owner – who has spent his life defending this country. Ed will never side with AOC or the radical-left against President Trump. He is exactly the kind of conservative warrior we need in Congress, and I’m proud to endorse him,'” guck guck guck.

“‘I’m honored to have the endorsement of Andy Barr. Unlike Thomas Massie, Andy has been a steadfast ally of President Trump from the very beginning,’ said Gallrein. ‘The Republican Party and the conservative movement are united to replace Massie so we can defend the MAGA agenda and send a clear message Kentucky remains MAGA country and stands firmly behind our President.'”

Barr and Gallrein’s guck guck guck sluuuurrrpppttttupupitity quote asides, Barr didn’t need to knife Massie. He could just run a good campaign and Trump would endorse him. Shows what kind of guy he is, kicking a guy he’s served with for years just to get showered in the Orange Dominant’s golden glory. It’s sickening even without all the gratuitous phallic allusions unnecessarily added here.

“Highly Respected Prime Minister of Hungary, Viktor Orban, is a truly strong and powerful Leader, with a proven track record of delivering phenomenal results. He fights tirelessly for, and loves, his Great Country and People, just like I do for the United States of America. Viktor works hard to Protect Hungary, Grow the Economy, Create Jobs, Promote Trade, Stop Illegal Immigration, and Ensure LAW AND ORDER! Relations between Hungary and the United States have reached new heights of cooperation and spectacular achievement under my Administration, thanks largely to Prime Minister Orban. I look forward to continuing working closely with him so that both of our Countries can further advance this tremendous path to SUCCESS and cooperation.”

“I was proud to ENDORSE Viktor for Re-Election in 2022, and am honored to do so again. Viktor Orbán is a true friend, fighter, and WINNER, and has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election as Prime Minister of Hungary – HE WILL NEVER LET THE GREAT PEOPLE OF HUNGARY DOWN!” posted Dollar Tree Orban on Thursday, evidently worried as Viktor may be in serious trouble as polls show him deep in the hole against Euro Parliament MEP and former ally Peter Magyar.

In related news from neighboring Poland, US Ambassador Tom Rose lost his shit and tweeted that he will be ceasing all communication with Marshal of the Sjem (parliament speaker) Wlodzimierz Czarzasty for his “outrageous and unprovoked insults directed against President Trump.” Why? Because Czarzasty had the temerity to say “Trump does not deserve a Nobel” Peace Prize.

“It has come to my attention that US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) is in the final stages of acquiring a warehouse facility in Byhalia, Mississippi, and intends to convert it into an ICE detention center. While I support the enforcement of immigration law, I write to express my opposition to this acquisition and the proposed detention center,” writes Mississippi Republican Senator Roger Wicker in a letter to Secretary Dog Murderer in a letter oddly posted publicly.

“This site is currently positioned for economic development purposes. It represents an opportunity for job creation, private investment, and long-term economic growth in Marshall County. The county is already experiencing meaningful growth and increased interest from employers seeking to locate or expand in North Mississippi. Preserving limited, development-ready industrial sites is essential to sustaining this growth. Converting this industrial asset into an ICE detention center forecloses economic growth opportunities and replaces them with a use that does not generate comparable economic returns or community benefits,” he continues and no, this isn’t some elaborate lib prank.

So walk through it here, and well past that Wicker voted to hand ICE $100 billion, would never vote to claw it back, is on board with all the other savagery and malevolence of the MAGA Reich and so on. You’re not an undergrad at perceiving the hypocrisy and self-interest and don’t need your hand held on it because it’ll distract you from the indescribably juvenile logic of Wicker’s complaint: The fucking warehouse is empty. ICE can’t “foreclose” an “economic growth opportunity” when nobody else is taking advantage of said opportunity besides homeless squatters or maybe raccoons.

🚨 House Oversight Chairman James Comer Sends Final Warning to Bill and Hillary Clinton if they Decide to Not Show Up to Their Deposition:

“A supermajority of Congress will vote to hold them in contempt and then it will be turned over to Pam Bondi just like when Navarro and… pic.twitter.com/cMIektncnU

— Benny Johnson (@bennyjohnson) February 5, 2026

Charging ahead even though a state judge blocked the redistricting, Virginia Dems and Gov Abigail Spanberger are operating under the assumption that the state Supreme Court will rule in their favor, with a spokesperson for the governor saying “State elections administrators have told the Governor that the General Assembly’s map can be implemented before voting begins. The Governor’s priority has been upholding the integrity of Virginia’s elections, and her team has been working throughout this process to make sure any proposed map could actually be implemented on the quick timeline before elections administrators,” ahead of an anticipated April 21 date for the referendum.

A new Marist/NPR/PBS national survey finds convicted felon President Trump’s economic approval rating at 36 percent approve to 59 percent disapprove, his lowest ever at 23 percent in the red, even edging out Joe Biden’s lowest of negative 22 percent in February 2022.

To put this in perspective, the lowest Trump ever got on economic approval in a Marist survey during his first term was negative 1 in September 2019 coming off some relatively minor stock market turbulence during that summer. Even in December 2020 after he had already lost and with COVID-19 still ravaging day-to-day life, he was +5 percent on the economy, which is probably why all we fucking heard day in and day out during the 2024 campaign was about how these and those voter demos were “nostalgic for the Trump economy” as he told them the lies they wanted to hear.

Then six months after he won, the first time Marist tested economic last April during the “Liberation Day” shitshow and they found him 16 percent underwater and it’s only gotten worse since.

SETTING THE EXAMPLE: Dutch Queen Máxima Is Training as a Reservist in the Netherlands Armed Forces (VIDEO) https://t.co/l90cxPepx9

— The Gateway Pundit (@gatewaypundit) February 5, 2026

Right wing propaganda site the Gateway Pundit on Thursday was really kind of asking for it when they noted that the reigning monarch of the Netherlands is setting an example by actually legitimately undergoing some military training that is more real than it is performative.

The Pundit did not take it to the next logical step of addressing whether another certain leader – one who considers himself a monarch – should follow that example. Even if just perfomatively.

“On Monday, February 2, 2026, a French Navy vessel, supported by a Falcon 50 aircraft, intercepted a suspicious vessel at sea. The vessel had been flagged by French Customs in Polynesia as part of an investigation conducted jointly with New Zealand Customs. An inspection on board led to the discovery of 174 bales of cocaine, totaling 4.24 tons. This large-scale operation, similar to the one conducted on January 16, 2026, which resulted in a record seizure of nearly 5 tons of cocaine at sea, was led by the High Commissioner of the Republic in French Polynesia, the government’s delegate for maritime affairs. It mobilized significant human and material resources from the French Armed Forces in French Polynesia (FAPF), working closely with French Customs, the National Gendarmerie, and the Anti-Narcotics Office (OFAST),” said the French Navy in a press release following the seizure in the Pacific earlier this week, translation by Google. Very noticeable gap between how the Big G handles French and Hebrew. You’d think the above was originally English…

Anyway per CBS News it was the second recent non-war crimes by the croissant-eating naval force as they also nabbed a vessel boat carrying 678 keys of coke in the Carribbean last week.

Dem Michigan Senator Elissa Slotkin and her lawyer sent their regrets to DC US Attorney Jeanine “Judge Box-o-Wine” Pirro’s invitation to sit for an interview over the “Don’t Give Up The Ship” video that prompted an absolute tantrum from convicted felon President Trump and his top military minion Pete Hegseth, the AP reports. Slotkin’s lawyer also told the day drinking prosecutor’s team to preserve all their documents about the “investigation” into her ahead of a likely lawsuit.

“I did this to go on offense,” Slotkin told the AP on Wednesday. “And to put them in a position where they’re tap dancing. To put them in a position where they have to own their choices of using a US attorney’s office to come after a senator,” adding that at first she had resolved to just let it go. But then last month she and the other Dems had been contacted by Pirro’s office which then led to her parents being swatted in the middle of the night while her father was suffering from and then died of cancer. He “could barely walk and he’s dealing with the cops in his home,” said Slotkin.

A “switch went off” in her “And I said, ‘It’s not gonna stop unless I fight back.’” Slotkin retained former SDNY US Attorney Preet Bharara, the sight of whose very name on the letterhead probably caused Pirro to suffer a worse episode of sudden incontinence than she typically does most days.

In related news Slotkin’s colleague Mark Kelly similarly put the Regime on the defensive during a hearing this week in his lawsuit against the other binge-drinking former Fox News host seeking to punish him for having the temerity to remind service members of their duty to ignore illegal orders.

Five minutes in and the fat bastard’s already complaining about Thomas Massie.

Former Vice President Kamala Harris on Thursday officially launched “Headquarters,” a re-brand of her long-dormant “Kamala HQ” Twitter account (which before that had been Biden HQ). Per CNN, the project was also hearldedin a press release reading “Conservatives build permanent organizing infrastructure. Progressives have historically built machines that dismantle after Election Day. Headquarters is the end of that cycle,” but without much in the way of other details.

The Twitter account’s URL now reads “Headquarters_67,” the numeric addition a little on the nose.

“‘The era of empty promises ends.’ That’s the vision that drove our mayoral campaign. It’s the foundation of my administration. It’s also what Governor Kathy Hochul said as we celebrated an agreement to deliver universal childcare-one of the largest expansions of the social safety net in our city’s history. It is as consequential a policy victory as our movement has seen in quite some time.”

“A burden of more than $22,500 lifted, the difference between whether or not a family can stay in the city they love with the children they want to raise. It was made possible by the nearly 100,000 volunteers who talked to millions of New Yorkers at their doors. But it would not have happened, just eight days into our administration, without Governor Hochul moving to provide more than $1 billion in state funding,” writes New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani in the Nation as he formally endorses state Governor Kathy Hochul for reelection in what may or may not be seen as selling out.

Not so funny now, eh Tunisian MP Ahmed Saidani? Bet you were real satisfied with that Facebook post in which you called wonderful President Kais Saied the “supreme commander of sewage and rainwater drainage” who has had no real accomplishments in office, probably snickered to yourself the whole time you were typing it. Now you’ll have plenty of time to practice your little comedy routine during your indefinite detention in a solitary cell where the lights are on 24/7, smart guy.

This is all true by the way (minus the grating, parental tone), per Reuters. Saied really is living fat Donald’s dream and simply jailing those who publicly question his magnificence. Probably going to be a lot more common now and well into the future because even if and when the willpower to put pressure on Saied and similar small-time dictators not to impugn basic human rights returns to the United States, the credibility to do so effectively has been annihilated and will not be rebuilt for a very long time, if ever. Nice work Arizona, Georgia, Michigan, Nevada, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin.

Hear that, MAGA Mainers? Your pro-choice RINO Senator was more concerned with winning reelection than she was with protecting your teenage daughters from the foul, poutine-breathed scum sneaking over the border into your communities AND President Trump did her the favor. You trust everything else Jesse Watters says on TV so damn well have to take his word on this betrayal.

He knows what happened. He said it plainly: Your lives are forfeit for petty, partisan politics.

Georgia MAGA Congressman Barry Loudermilk, the fucking asshole who was caught having led Capitol rioters on a tour of the building a day before the January 6th insurrection, announced Wednesday he will not be running for reelection in November, writing “I first ran for election to Congress in 2014 and, as I stated then, representing the people in Congress is a service, not a career; and although I continue to have strong support from the people of the Eleventh District, I believe it is time to contribute to my community, state, and nation in other ways. Therefore, I have decided not to seek re-election at the end of my current term in Congress,” in a statement.

Well there goes another middle-aged dickhead in a safe seat who was supposed to be a hardcore ride with Trump to the very end MAGA patriot deciding not to ride with Trump to the very end. This makes 23 total House Republicans from the 118th Congress exiting DC of their own volition.