“Congress hereby authorizes the President, beginning at 12:01 pm Eastern Standard Time on January 20, 2025, to seek to enter into negotiations with the Kingdom of Denmark to secure the acquisition of Greenland by the United States. Transmission of Agreement: Not later than 85 calendar days after reaching an agreement with the Kingdom of Denmark relating to the acquisition of Greenland by the United States, the President shall transmit to the appropriate congressional committees the agreement, including all related materials and annexes,” says the text of dipshit Tennessee MAGA Congressman Andy Ogles’s “Make Greenland Geat Again” bill, introed on Monday.

It does absolutely nothing in terms of creating a legal structure for Greenlanders to become US citizens upon annexation, setting aside money for a purchase, building new infrastructure or updating existing components to comply with US standards, or incentivizing Greenlanders economically to support integration. It just authorizes the Orange Conquistador to enter into negotiations to acquire Greenland, something he does not actually need authorization to do. He can say pretty much whatever he wants while conducting his administration’s foreign policy.

Not for nothing, but it was just two articles ago here where a certain author asserted that imposing demands on California to force them to submit to the MAGA Reich in exchange for aid is easy to talk shit about on Fox News, not so easy to put into debate in Congress let alone put into actual legislation. Northern California MAGA Congressman Doug LaMalfa is definitely already struggling.

FBI agents showed up at Gigli star Ben Affleck’s home in the Brentwood area of Los Angeles on Sunday morning, waited outside of the gate with LA County Sheriff’s deputies for a few minutes, and then left, Parade reports on a bizarre, inscrutable incident involving Hollywood’s mediocre-st star.

Brentwood was the subject of an evacuation order the previous night as the still-raging Palisades Fire surged toward the neighborhood. Every other pertinent detail is unknown, as in whether Affleck was at home and didn’t answer the agents because he was too hungover, if he was at ex-wife Jennifer Garner’s home with their three kids, if there was a search warrant for his house, if not then why the hell FBI agents were there, if the house burned down, and whether Affleck is still alive.

Florida MAGA Judge Aileen Cannon on Monday denied a bid by convicted felon President-Elect Trump’s minions and co-defendants Walt Nauta and Carlos De Oliveira to block the Justice Department from releasing the first half of now-former Justice Department special counsel Jack Smith’s final report, the half about the fat fuck’s failed post-2020 election coup attempt.

The assholes, who are probably going to be pardoned by the end of the month, had attempted to block it because it contains two passing mentions of the case stemming from Trump’s theft of classified documents from the White House. As for Volume II of the report on the theft, Cannon set a hearing for this Friday to hear Nauta and De Oliveira’s lawyers waste time and run out the clock until it will be burned in a furnace deep below the newly re-MAGAfied Department of Justice next week.

Very timeshare sales associate-esque Iowa Congressman Zach Nunn bookended the line with the whole “strings attached” song-and-dance directed at the elected officials in California, but in the middle of it was a very distinct and unqualified admonition to the voters in Los Angeles: “We will certainly help those thousands of homes and families who have been devastated, but we also expect you to change bad behavior,” pretty plainly addressed to the victims themselves.

Citing a study of survey responses by Reviews.org, WKRC reports that they found the average American spent five hours and 1 minute per day – a total of 2.5 months – using their phone in 2024, and checking it an average of 205 times daily. Many know it’s a problem, but the 43 percent who said they feel as though they are addicted to their phones, is down from 67 percent in 2023.

The reporting was a little vague on what strictly constitutes “on their phone,” which is to say the implicitly problematic 2.5 months out of a year spent may or may not encompass the general pre-smartphone era understanding of “on the phone” as in literally on a phone call. A lot of people still do that to conduct business and personal affairs, which could be padding that otherwise pretty eye-popping topline. Then there’s listening to music or podcasts, a solid smartphone capability generally associated with more physically active, social, and/or mentally healthier pursuits than, say, watching porn while at work behind the wheel of a police car. Did audio streaming count for the 2.5 months?

This isn’t to try to minimize it so much as say we could use some more pinpointed information about how bad America’s staring slack-jawed at a phone screen habit is. It might be just slightly less bad.

“Governor Greg Abbott today ordered all flags to be raised to full-staff at the Texas Capitol and all state buildings on January 20, 2025, in honor of Inauguration Day. Pursuant to federal statute, the US flag should be displayed ‘especially on… Inauguration Day, January 20,'” says Texas Governor Greg Abbot in a statement announcing his flagpoles will stand tall and strong next Monday.

“‘Texas continues to mourn with our fellow Americans across the country over the passing of former President Jimmy Carter,’ said Governor Abbott. ‘President Carter’s steadfast leadership left a lasting legacy that will be felt for generations to come, which together as a nation we honor by displaying flags at half-staff for 30 days. On January 20, our great nation will celebrate our democratic tradition of transferring power to a new President by inaugurating the 47th President of the United States, Donald J Trump. As we unite our country and usher in this new era of leadership, I ordered all flags to be raised to full-staff at the Texas Capitol and all state buildings for the inauguration of President Trump. While we honor the service of a former President, we must also celebrate the service of an incoming President and the bright future ahead for the United States of America.'”

This isn’t an erection joke because, as a paraplegic, it’s impossible for Abbott to achieve one. The order is however kind of a symbolic hard-on and clearly Abbot’s direct response to the convicted felon president-elect’s tantrum over the flags being lowered in honor of Jimmy Carter’s memory.

Alcoholic white nationalist felon Steve Bannon will (probably) continue his jihad against Elon Musk on Monday following his comments to an Italian newspaper calling the ketamine-brained billionaire a racist scumbag. Which is pretty lol coming from a white nationalist like Sloppy Steve.

Kremlin officials on Monday announced Russian dictator Vladimir Putin and Iranian dictator Masoud Pezeshkian will on Friday to sign a “comprehensive strategic partnership” between the two belligerent and largely failed states to solidify their cooperation on inflicting misery on people living in countries within their overlapping respective spheres of influence, AFP reports.

“On 17 January, Vladimir Putin will hold talks with the President of the Islamic Republic of Iran Masoud Pezeshkian, who will come to Russia on an official visit,” said the Kremlin in a statement, adding that following the signing ceremony Putin and Pezeshkian are to discuss “prospects for the further expansion of bilateral cooperation, including in trade and investment, transport and logistics and the humanitarian sphere, as well as topical issues on the regional and international agenda.”

The new strategic partnership will probably go completely ignored by Putin’s ally, convicted felon President-Elect Trump, who hates Iran but not enough to let it ruin his friendship with Vlad.

The Lake County, Florida Sheriff’s Office last week announced that an internal investigation had found that a deputy who had claimed his “brakes locked up” when he plowed his patrol car into a woman’s vehicle on November 6th was actually distracted because he watching porn on his phone behind the wheel, leading the deputy to resign before he could be fired, WESH 2 reports.

It does not appear that any injuries were inflicted on the unidentified woman who was waiting behind a stopped school bus when registered Republican now-former Deputy Tristan Macomber smashed into her car and the sheriff’s department paid for the damages. Macomber’s story steadily unraveled over the next two months as when the brakes lie fell apart due to the body cam footage he then “admitted” to looking at a group text chat with other cops. Then when the internal affairs investigators said it was obvious from the footage Macomber was looking at images of some sort on the phone, he said they had been sent in that group chat. “The group’s text messages contained no memes or videos,” said the internal report – obtained by WESH – about that line crumbling too.

It’s obvious that at this point Macomber had to know he was fucked but wanted to maintain some shred of dignity and spare himself the embarrassment of being known as the guy who got fired because he was looking at porn when he smashed up some lady’s car – or at the very least claim that it had been sent in a group chat. It was during a later interview with investigators that Macomber admitted he was looking at “inappropriate pictures,” and then “clarified” it was porn.

Almost immediately following a 6.9 magnitude earthquake off the Japanese island of Kyushu about a half-hour ago, the US Tsunami Warning Center on Monday issued a bulletin stating “There is no tsunami danger for the US West Coast, British Columbia, or Alaska. Based on earthquake information and historic tsunami records, the earthquake is not expected to generate a tsunami.”

Which is great news for folks in the Los Angeles area, who can now say “Well at least there probably won’t be a massive tsunami crashing into the coastline today. Still pretty early in the day though.”

President-Elect Trump on Sunday shared a message from a staunch supporter on his personal social networking site, a humorous image of the Hollywood sign altered to say “TRUMP WAS RIGHT” while surrounded by flames. The gag was typical of Trump’s unconventional approach to politics.

The Los Angeles County Medical Examiner on Sunday announced that at least 24 people have been killed by the fires ravaging the region for nearly a week now, the AP reports, adding that a further 16 people are considered missing from the Palisades and Eaton fire zones, per Sheriff Robert Luna.

Meanwhile a relatively calm Monday forecast will give way to increased winds on Tuesday.

The above headline encompasses the entirety of a Sunday afternoon Truth Social post by convicted felon President-Elect Trump, coming two days after a DC federal judge found alcoholic shitbrain former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani in contempt for continuing to defame former Georgia election workers Ruby Freeman and Shae Moss. It was the second such finding that week as on Monday another federal judge in New York – Trump appointee Lewis Liman – had slapped Captain 9/11 with contempt for failing to turn over assets and discovery info to Freeman and Moss to satisfy the $148 million defamation judgment Rudy owes for falsely claiming the terrorized mother-daughter duo had been part of a vast conspiracy to rig the 2020 election against the fat orange fuck.

Too bad posting “SAVE RUDY!” is all Trump can do for his friend facing poverty and homelessness simply for standing up for America First during one of its darkest times. It’s not like Trump is close with an extremely wealthy individual who could spare $148 million quite easily. Or dozens more who could each contribute a portion of that amount, enough to cover the bill pretty quickly.

Nobody should however take Trump’s inability to reciprocate Rudy’s painful sacrifices as a sign that he won’t fulfill his promises to the American people to make their lives easier to afford. He’s not going to let a single one of his voters down now that he’s gotten a second chance.

Why don’t they use geoengineering like cloud seeding to bring rain down on the wildfires in California?

They know how to do it.

— Marjorie Taylor Greene 🇺🇸 (@mtgreenee) January 12, 2025

Georgia Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene on Sunday proposed an outside-the-box solution to the wildfires plaguing the Los Angeles area, arguing that weather control technology could be easily deployed to provide badly-needed moisture to the area to prevent wildfires.

Trump Media and Technology Group CEO Devin Nunes on Sunday told Fox News he’s “skeptical” of Mark Zuckerberg’s new commitments to “promote free speech,” adding that if Zuckerberg is serious about prostrating before the might of the Orange God Emperor, “he should spend $450 million investing into pro free speech companies like Truth Social and Rumble to make up for the $450 million he spent against President Trump in 2020,” scary gothic racist Laura Loomer reports.

Confronted by ABC’s Jon Karl with the October 2023 Truth Social post in which convicted felon President-Elect Trump wrote he has “many wonderful friends wanting to be Speaker of the House, and some are truly great Warriors. RINO Tom Emmer, who I do not know well, is not one of them. He never respected the Power of a Trump Endorsement,” thereby derailing the House Majority Whip’s bid for the speakership, Emmer laughed it off, claiming that the fat fuck has been nothing but kind to him and his wife, lol. Might as well be crawling on all fours naked with Trump pulling him on a leash.

A Florida man brought a knife to a gunfight and won early Sunday after an argument at a house party in Oak Hill, WFLA reports. Volusia County Sheriff’s officials said that at approximately 1:42 AM a man at the party fired a gun at the intended victim and missed, leading the other man to charge the shooter with a knife and stab him in the stomach. The terrible shot was airlifted to a nearby hospital, possibly indicating that the wound was extremely serious, maybe even life-threatening.

Damn that’s gotta fucking suck for him, especially if there’s permanent damage. He’s probably already looking at like at minimum a decade in the joint for attempted murder, time he may have to do in a wheelchair, maybe even paralyzed from the waist down. Worse, it’s entirely possible the intended victim wasn’t carrying the knife prior to the altercation, but simply grabbed it from a nearby birthday cake and plunged it into the shooter’s abdomen immediately after ducking the bullet.

The terrible shooter would almost be luckier if he dies of his injuries rather than have to live with other inmates asking him if the doctors got all the sprinkles and frosting out of the stab wound.

Couchfucker assistant to Elon Musk’s assistant JD Vance on Sunday was quick on his feet with blaming California’s leadership for being unable to refill reservoirs during years plagued by long periods of drought but otherwise not identifying any other “policy failures” on their part that led to fire hydrants going dry during the still-ongoing infernos in Los Angeles. Jaydee then responded to Fox News Sunday anchor Shannon Bream pointing out the strong December jobs report by saying he and the Orange God Emperor will be inheriting a “dumpster fire” of an economy, bitching about bond yields and that “oil prices are now shooting through the roof,” almost as if to say Biden is somehow intentionally sabotaging their incoming regime’s ability to fulfill unrealistic pledges.

Vance also got preemptively offended at Dems causing an uproar over family separation policy, making it clear they’re going to intern migrant children apart from their parents again, saying it’s a term “you’re gonna hear a lot in the next couple of months, the next couple of years, family separation,” because the libs will be stirring up outrage over such cruelties being inflicted.

“Fires are still raging in LA. The incompetent pols have no idea how to put them out. Thousands of magnificent houses are gone, and many more will soon be lost. There is death all over the place.”

“This is one of the worst catastrophes in the history of our Country. They just can’t put out the fires, what’s wrong with them?” posted convicted felon President-Elect Trump at 1:24 AM on Sunday, angrier that luxury homes are getting burned than that people have been killed by the infernos.