Yeah for real. ABC News reports “Judge” Jeannine Pirro is up next as Acting DC US Attorney after similarly chemically-imbalanced freak Ed Martin crashed and burned this week. Does this day drinker even still have a law license after being on Fox News for who the hell knows how long?

From a lawsuit filed by a group of shareholders against UnitedHealthcare over how they handled the aftermath of CEO Brian Thompson’s assassination after Luigi Mangione got famous: “On January 16, 2025, following Mr Thompson’s murder, the Company announced that it would maintain its previously issued guidance. In a press release titled ‘UnitedHealth Group Reports 2024 Results,’ the Company reaffirmed the guidance issued on December 3, 2024, stating: ‘UnitedHealth Group affirmed the 2025 performance outlook established in December 2024, including revenues of $450 billion to $455 billion, net earnings of $28.15 to $28.65 per share, adjusted net earnings of $29.50 to $30.00 per share, and cash flow from operations of $32 billion to $33 billion.'”

“The statement was materially false and misleading when made because it failed to disclose that the Company, due to heightened scrutiny and public hostility, was no longer willing to use the aggressive, anti-consumer tactics necessary to achieve earnings per share of $28.15 to $28.65, or adjusted net earnings per share of $29.50 to $30.00. As a result, the Company acted with deliberate recklessness in reiterating its prior guidance,” emphasis added because yeah, they actually fucking wrote that in a federal civil complaint, filed this week in the Southern District of New York, per NBC.

Who exactly “they” are isn’t clear yet. The only text of a complaint matching that exact phrasing comes from what’s apparently a draft of the complaint hosted on the site of the Manhattan-based Rosen Law Firm, PA, which at the top says “IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT FOR THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA,” with the plaintiff listed as “[Blank line], Individually and On Behalf of All Others Similarly Situated” v United Healthcare et al, which could indicate that this complaint was Rosen’s idea and they just need injured parties to sign up as a class. That they didn’t have the right venue in the first place might also be a sign that Team Rosen were indeed working backwards here.

NBC’s article has no further details on who if anyone actually signed on, because holy fucking shit who would want to put their name on that? It’s like a goddamned ouroboros of madness that the greed begat the murder which begat the greed and yet here it is. Someone actually fucking wrote that in a lawsuit demanding that the machine continue to hum mercilessly without interruption.

As Trump & Bukele use Oval to 🤣 Feds’ illicit deportation of a US resident (https://t.co/t80iDMbBKf), once an undoc-ed Salvadorean himself, now-DC Aux +Evelio asks, “Do you not see the suffering? Is your conscience not disturbed? How can you stay quiet?” https://t.co/jTradMfr0v

— Rocco Palmo (@roccopalmo) April 14, 2025

This is the most recent tweet by @drprevost, first flagged by America’s co-greatest clip guy, Aaron Rupar on Thursday, leaving not even a molecule of doubt of certain things are going to go.

Maybe the honorary Pope candidate himself might not have posted “Congratulations to Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost, who was just named Pope. It is such an honor to realize that he is the first American Pope. What excitement, and what a Great Honor for our Country. I look forward to meeting Pope Leo XIV. It will be a very meaningful moment!” if he’d done some basic research first.

He is right though. It will be a very meaningful moment indeed if that’s how Leo thinks of Donald.

Acting FEMA Administrator Cameron Hamilton is no longer acting and no longer employed either as sources tell Politico that Hamilton was semi-ceremoniously fired on Thursday morning for having given pro-FEMA testimony to lawmakers on Capitol Hill during a Wednesday hearing.

“I do not believe it is in the best interests of the American people to eliminate the Federal Emergency Management Agency,” Hamilton told a House Appropriations subcommittee at the hearing, evidently an irredeemable thoughtcrime in the Trump Regime. The somewhat ceremonious firing began Thursday morning when, per Politico, “Hamilton was summoned to Department of Homeland Security headquarters in Washington on Thursday morning and told of his termination by Deputy Homeland Security Secretary Troy Edgar and Corey Lewandowski, a longtime adviser to President Donald Trump, according to a person with direct knowledge. Hamilton was driven back to FEMA headquarters a few miles away, where he cleared out his desk and left,” thus ending the ceremony.

On a side note if Kristi Noem didn’t want people to think she’s still fucking Corey Lewandowski on the side then maybe he shouldn’t be working at DHS and firing people for her, but whatever.

Chicago’s Cardinal Robert Prevost has been elected the first ever American Pope, taking the name Pope Leo XIV. He’s the first Leo since 1903. Prevost is also a Peruvian citizen and there’s a whole shit ton of other details that are going to need to be filled in here. He was favored by Francis as potential successor, which is probably going to piss off a whole shit ton of MAGA Catholics.

The still-unknown winner of the hotly-contested 2025 Papal special election is expected to address supporters at a raucous victory party in Vatican City’s St Peter’s Square at any moment.

Sur-fucking-prise: House Republicans, fed up with all the waste fraud and abuse in government spending are preparing to add $60 billion in bailouts to Red State agriculture enthusiasts left fucked over once again by one of convicted felon President Trump’s moronic trade policies, Politico reports.

NEW POPE! NEW POPE! NEW POPE!

“I have to be straight. I was disappointed. A lot of people were disappointed, but that’s the way it works. Sometimes, that’s the way it works. And he wasn’t rejected, but we felt it would be very it would be hard. And we have somebody else that we’ll be announcing over the next two days,” said convicted felon President Trump to reporters on Thursday, formally announcing the career demise of Acting DC US Attorney Ed Martin, via CBS News Capitol Correspondent Scott MacFarlane.

Also the fat bastard is, per usual, full of shit about “He wasn’t rejected.” Trump just rejected him, lol.

Americans can rest safe and secure knowing that their Representatives are fighting for them as ABC News reports the US House of Representatives on Thursday voted to rename the Gulf of Mexico to Gulf of America, 211 to 206. The partisan breakdown of the vote was not available as of the moment.

“The relief sought herein is needed to give effect to the Court’s Order granting expedited discovery. As the Court stated in that Order, ‘discovery is necessary in light of Defendants’ uniform refusal to disclose ‘what it can’ regarding their facilitation of Abrego Garcia’s release and return to the status quo ante.’ The Court thus authorized Plaintiffs to take the depositions of four Government officials who had previously submitted affidavits to the Court, noting that ‘[these are] the people who [the Government] said have personal knowledge of the issues before the Court.’ Three of those four depositions have now taken place, and, as described below, Plaintiffs are still in the dark about the Government’s efforts to facilitate Abrego Garcia’s release from custody and return to the United States,” write lawyers for CECOT prisoner Kilmar Abrego Garcia in a motion for further depositions in the case with reichministers at the Departments of State, Homeland Security, and Justice.

Georgia Congressman Buddy Carter – the thirsty fanboy who introed a bill for the US to annex Greenland and rename it “Red, White, and Blue-land” (what a bundle of sticks) – took Governor Brian Kemp’s pass on the race to take on Dem Senator Jon Ossoff as his cue to step up and launch a “MAGA warrior” campaign on Thursday for the seat, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports.

So there’s one guy whose name definitely sounds like that of a Klansman jumping in. Still waiting on the QAdulteress to throw down too. NBC News this week reported that Senate Republicans are quietly and subtly starting to freak the fuck out that she might be ready to just go ahead and do it.

NEW:

🚨 PRESIDENT TRUMP’S PICK FOR US SURGEON GENERAL CASEY MEANS SAID SHE PRAYS TO INANIMATE OBJECTS, COMMUNICATES WITH SPIRIT MEDIUMS, USES SHROOMS AS “PLANT MEDICINE” AND TALKS TO TREES! SHE ALSO DOESN’T EVEN HAVE AN ACTIVE MEDICAL LICENSE 🚨

THE INMATES ARE RUNNING THE… pic.twitter.com/GNcoakFkHF

— Laura Loomer (@LauraLoomer) May 8, 2025

Jeez. Seems like Loomy’s got some puppetmaster’s remorse after her unilateral firing of Fox Newshead Dr Janette Nesheiwat as the nominee to be US Surgeon General just ended up with someone otherwise completely normal within the standards of the MAGAverse but not Loomy’s own version of it. “THE INMATES ARE RUNNING THE ASYLUM”? Yeah, no shit, Laura. Just because they’re not your kind of inmates doesn’t mean you need to go all Loomer on us.

“Nonfarm business sector labor productivity decreased 0.8 percent in the first quarter of 2025, the US Bureau of Labor Statistics reported today, as output decreased 0.3 percent and hours worked increased 0.6 percent (All quarterly percent changes in this release are seasonally adjusted annualized rates). This is the first decline in nonfarm business sector labor productivity since the second quarter of 2022. From the same quarter a year ago, nonfarm business sector labor productivity increased 1.4 percent in the first quarter of 2025. Unit labor costs in the nonfarm business sector increased 5.7 percent in the first quarter of 2025, reflecting a 4.8-percent increase in hourly compensation and a 0.8-percent decrease in productivity. Unit labor costs increased 1.3 percent over the last four quarters. BLS calculates unit labor costs as the ratio of hourly compensation to labor productivity. Increases in hourly compensation tend to increase unit labor costs and increases in productivity tend to reduce them. Real hourly compensation, which takes into account consumer prices, increased 1.0 percent in the first quarter of 2025, and was unchanged over the last four quarters,” says the Bureau of Labor Statistics in the quarterly productivity update.

For comparison, Q1 2024 saw nonfarm business sector labor productivity up 0.2 percent at an annualized rate, as output up 0.9 percent, and hours worked increased by 0.6 percent over Q4 2023.

President Trump’s administration is planning a huge reveal of their plan to address American’s growing concerns over the state of the economy and the cost of living challenges they face according to Politico, who report that the White House will take the increasing unease head-on by releasing audio of former President Joe Biden’s interview with former Special Counsel Robert Hur.

The recording of Hur questioning Biden over his unintentional collection of classified documents from his time as a US Senator and the Vice President in the Obama Administration, captured on October 8, 2023, is sure to be a game-changer in the current state of American politics in May 2025, raising important questions over Biden’s mental acuity and advanced age in the second half of his presidency at a time when important questions are being raised over container ships arriving at West Coast ports half-empty after 145 percent tariffs were imposed on Chinese-made products.

It’s something of a go-to move out of Trump’s political playbook, yet it’s anything but standard given his wizard-like mastery of the media ecosystem and ability to get Americans to focus on what matters – such as Biden’s senescence in 2023 – amid a sea of distractions like Trump insisting children be happier with fewer toys while he’s making billions off a cryptocurrency scheme.

“Air Traffic problems caused by the incompetent Biden Administration, as headed by, in this case, a total novice and political hack, Pete B. I WILL FIX IT!!!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Thursday morning, still unable to explain how everything’s suddenly going to shit on his and Sean Duffy’s watch when it had been far more incident free under Joe Biden and Pete Buttigieg’s.

“‘Too Late’ Jerome Powell is a FOOL, who doesn’t have a clue. Other than that, I like him very much! Oil and Energy way down, almost all costs (groceries and ‘eggs’) down, virtually NO INFLATION, Tariff Money Pouring Into the US – THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF ‘TOO LATE!’ ENJOY!” the fat bastard posted earlier, just making shit up apparently to contrast his “leadership” with Powell’s.

Kind of a running theme this morning, that he takes no responsibility for anything.

Exclusive: Ivanka Trump plans new focus on access to fresh produce https://t.co/B1jJ6agyW0

— Axios (@axios) May 8, 2025

“During the Press Briefing on Operation SINDOOR on 07 May 2025, India had called its response as focused, measured and non-escalatory. It was specifically mentioned that Pakistani military establishments had not been targeted. It was also reiterated that any attack on military targets in India will invite a suitable response. On the night of 07-08 May 2025, Pakistan attempted to engage a number of military targets in Northern and Western India including Awantipura, Srinagar, Jammu, Pathankot, Amritsar, Kapurthala, Jalandhar, Ludhiana, Adampur, Bhatinda, Chandigarh, Nal, Phalodi, Uttarlai, and Bhuj, using drones and missiles. These were neutralised by the Integrated Counter UAS Grid and Air Defence systems. The debris of these attacks is now being recovered from a number of locations that prove the Pakistani attacks,” says the Indian Ministry of Defense on a statement.

“Today morning Indian Armed Forces targeted Air Defence Radars and systems at a number of locations in Pakistan. Indian response has been in the same domain with same intensity as Pakistan. It has been reliably learnt that an Air Defence system at Lahore has been neutralised. Pakistan has increased the intensity of its unprovoked firing across the Line of Control using Mortars and heavy calibre Artillery in areas in Kupwara, Baramulla, Uri, Poonch, Mendhar and Rajouri sectors in Jammu and Kashmir. Sixteen innocent lives have been lost, including three women and five children, due to Pakistani firing. Here too, India was compelled to respond to bring Mortar and Artillery fire from Pakistan to a halt. Indian Armed Forces reiterate their commitment to non-escalation, provided it is respected by the Pakistani military,” the statement continued, as does the fighting between the two.

At least 10 members of the cast of really dramatic and overly emotional stage show with lots of powerful singing performances that resonate with audiences and make them feel like they’re a part of the romance and expression of cries against injustice because, come on it’s SO powerful, Les Miserables have decided to stage a real-life protest against the evil forces of the Orange Overlord and are boycotting next month’s performance at the Kennedy Center, the Daily Beast reports.

Good on them. And, uh, yeah great job portraying the era of post-Napoleonic France where they spontaneously turned pitched street battles into huge musical numbers. A+ for historical accuracy, for sure. But if depriving King Orange I of the performance he desires makes him miserable, so be it.