“As a sprawling congressional investigation into online political fundraising expands, House Speaker Mike Johnson said Thursday he fears foreign adversaries such as China and Iran may be laundering money to Democrats this election, and he is vowing lawmakers will take punitive actions against overseas actors if the allegations are corroborated,” writes disgraced propagandist John Solomon in the lede to his “exclusive” interview with Jesus Dork Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, lol.

“This is a massive scandal,” Johnson told Solomon and lol again, which Solomon writes comes “just days after House Oversight Committee Chairman James Comer revealed to lawmakers in a confidential memo that the Treasury Department has confirmed it possesses hundreds of Suspicious Activity Reports.” Lololololololololol. Comer’s obtained law enforcement reports, you say?

“My theory is that they’re taking money from foreign nationals, primarily Iran, Russia China, and Venezuela, and they’re breaking down the donations into smaller gifts and making it look as though these are, you know, this is a wave of new donors, American people, that are doing this,” Johnson continued. Mind you this is three months after the House GOP and MAGA state AGs responded to ActBlue taking in like almost $300 million in the first week of Vice President Kamala Harris’s campaign by opening up this “investigation.” The assclowns have nothing so Johnson is just airing it to Solomon just to make sure the time and energy spent on it goes to some base maintenance, lol.

“A Washington man who conspired to hunt and kill bald and golden eagles and hawks on the Flathead Indian Reservation to sell on the black market was sentenced today to three years and 10 months in prison, to be followed by three years of supervised release, and ordered to pay $777,250 restitution, US Attorney Jesse Laslovich said. The defendant, Travis John Branson, 49, of Cusick, Washington, and formerly of the Flathead Reservation, pleaded guilty in March to conspiracy, two counts of unlawful trafficking of bald and golden eagles and violation of the Lacey Act, which prohibits interstate trade in wildlife that has been taken, possessed, transported or sold in violation of federal or state law. The Lacey Act also prohibits any person from making or submitting any false record, account, label for or identification of wildlife that has been or was intended to be transported in interstate or foreign commerce,” says a press release from the Montana US Attorney’s office.

“In court documents, the government alleged that from about January 2015 until about March 2021, Branson and others hunted and killed eagles on the Flathead Reservation. Branson then sold the eagles on the black market across the United States and elsewhere. Brandon traveled from Washington to the Flathead Reservation, where he met co-defendant, Simon Paul. Branson and Paul would then shoot, transport and ship bald and golden eagles for future black-market sales. Co-defendant Paul remains a fugitive. The government sought restitution values of $5,000 per eagle and $1,750 per hawk. The government estimated that from 2009 until 2021, Branson made between $180,000 and $360,000 by selling eagles feathers and parts for profit on the black market.”

“The government’s investigation showed that Branson and others killed approximately 3,600 birds during the conspiracy. At least 118 eagles and 107 hawks killed were directly traceable to Branson and documented through his own text messages. Branson had taken up to nine eagles at a time”

BREAKING: US economy added 12,000 jobs in October, well below economists' expectations https://t.co/XVSnMK0kyW

— Fox News (@FoxNews) November 1, 2024

Convicted felon former President Trump’s campaign are starting to freak the fuck out over internal data showing a massive surge in first-time female voters in the swing states – and in Pennsylvania especially – that the fat fuck needs to win to avoid losing and probably going to prison, feeling like they might have peaked too early when they were in ULTRA MAGA INEVITABLE VICTORY FUCK YOU LIBS mode just a week or two ago, Puck’s Tara Palmeri reports on what seems to be driving Donald’s recent string of Truth Social screams over imaginary voter fraud afoot in the Keystone State.

“They’re going so crazy here,” a minion told Palmeri. “Anyone who hears how rabid they are about this issue can’t walk away from this and think they feel comfortable about where they’re at in Pennsylvania. They’re talking about criminal referrals [emphasis Puck’s]. They want to find poll watchers who they feel are engaged in voter suppression so they can refer criminal prosecutions.”

Palmeri writes that RNC Chair Mike Whatley is fucked if Trump loses, while Elon Musk and Charlie Kirk “are firmly planted in Trump’s inner circle and would probably walk away unscathed,” should the worst happen, even though the ground game shitshow will have been their fault and that Musk hired two canvassing operatives previously linked to Ron DeSantis’s failed presidential campaign.

“On Election Night, the former president and three-time presidential candidate will take in the results at a private watch party at Mar-a-Lago with his inner circle, family, closest supporters, and donors. His fan base will be at the Palm Beach convention center, where he’ll arrive when he’s ready to make a statement. I think we already know what that will be,” Palmeri concludes her piece.

A new Emerson College survey of Nevada likely voters finds Vice President Kamala Harris leading convicted felon former President Trump 48 to 47 percent in the Silver State, a really freaking bad sign for the Orange God Emperor given Emerson’s MAGA tilt over the last two years.

At least 19 guerrillas of the Moro Liberation Front, an ISIS-linked Muslim separatist group based in the southern Philippines region of Mindanao, are dead after a little disagreement between two commander over strategy or resources or maybe they were just bored, the Manila Times reports.

Philippine Army Lt Colonel Rowel Gavilanes said he and local Mayor Datu Malik Mamasabulod Alhadj said they had tried to stop the two factions from going medieval on each other – mind you Gavilanes and Alhadj are supposed to be Moros’ enemies – but couldn’t broker a deal. They’re going to try again now that the smoke has cleared and the body bags are being zipped up.

Today's cover: ‘Strong, intelligent’ Republican women torch Kamala supporter Mark Cuban for dismissive comments on ‘The View’ https://t.co/IUmfyqhoLm pic.twitter.com/z7Pxx4BFDH

— New York Post (@nypost) November 1, 2024

Ughhhhhh… Again, we’re going to try to be circumspect and not make a call for how Tuesday’s going to go. The stakes are simply too high to fuck around and tempt fate. We will however be so bold as to make a call on what certain signals and noises say about how the other guys are feeling. This specific noisy signal, attacking freaking Mark Cuban for whatever the fuck it is he said does not exude confidence in the Orange God Emperor’s appeal to women. In the whole context of the meltdown over women outvoting men on early/mail-in ballots and the “whether they like it or not” line and the Access Hollywood tape making a comeback on TikTok and the Julia Roberts-narrated ad depicting women secretly voting Harris in defiance of their MAGA husbands… No, this cover does not come across as a flex. Team Murdoch seriously didn’t have anything to go after Harris directly?

White House comms staff altered the transcript of President Joe Biden’s now-MAGA-infamous “garbage” comment to add the apostrophe over the objections of the career stenographers, the AP reports on what will be seen as a “win” for Elise Stefanik and the other House GOP dipshits who opened an investigation into the transcript of the Tuesday night Zoom call with Voto Latino.

“The only garbage I see floating out there is his supporters – his – his demonization of Latinos is unconscionable, and it’s un-American,” said the original version, with the apostrophe added to “supporters” to change it from plural to possessive, thereby “altering” the meaning.

First off, when you actually look at it “in context” like that, there’s an extremely strong argument that Biden did in fact mean it in the possessive sense, that the “his” shifted from Trump to asshole “comedian” Tony Hinchcliffe, as in “[Hinchcliffe’s] demonization of Latinos is unconscionable.” This isn’t political staff altering public record so much as favoring their side of a very, very close call.

Second off, L-O-fucking-L that this is the “major scandal” of the final days of this election, that both the House GOP were “right” that something was fishy and it’s now on them to try to make this matter AND, more importantly, tie it to Vice President Kamala Harris. Best of luck to them on that.

A new set of Marist College/NPR/PBS News swing state surveys finds Vice President Kamala Harris leading convicted felon former President Trump 51 to 48 percent in Michigan and 50 to 48 percent in both Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. On favorability Harris is net +1 percent in Michigan to Trump’s net negative 10 percent, in Pennsylvania Harris is net 0 to Trump negative 4 percent, while in Wisconsin they’re dead even at negative 5 percent each. That last -5 for Harris sounds a little outlier-ish.

The Botswana Democratic Party (BDP) is in total disarray after getting their asses handed to them in Wednesday’s big parliamentary elections, with returns pouring in Friday showing an end to 58 years of dominance stretching all the way back to the nation’s independence in 1966 after the Umbrella for Democratic Change took a shit ton of seats, leaving the BDP with just one, the BBC reports.

“I will respectfully step aside and participate in a smooth transition process ahead of inauguration,” said President Mokgweetsi Masisi as he conceded on Friday. “I wish to congratulate the opposition on their victories and concede the elections. I am proud of our democratic processes and I respect the will of the people,” Masisi continued. The UDC wave must’ve been “too big to rig.”

Not-100-percent-reliable Trump chronicler Michael Wolff tells the Daily Beast that notorious dead sex trafficker showed him photos of the convicted felon former president with topless young girls sitting on his lap that were taken at Epstein’s Palm Beach mansion some time in the late 1990s.

“They were with Trump at Epstein’s Palm Beach house sitting around the pool with these young girls, and the young girls are topless. And in some of the pictures, they’re sitting in his lap. I mean, and, and then there’s one I especially remember where there’s a stain, a telltale stain and on the front of Trump’s pants, and the girls are pointing at him and laughing,” Wolff said from his recollection, also claiming that the FBI under Bill Barr seized the photos out of Epstein’s kompromat safe in 2019.

Wolff seems to inhabit some liminal space where like everything he claims feels true but it’s just kind of, um, iffy. But Trump getting slandered (if it is slander) like this couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

Fani Willis knows what she’s doing when it comes to RICO cases.  In the longest-running criminal trial in the state, the Fulton County District Attorney secured a guilty plea from rapper Young Thug, a week after three of his co-defendants agreed to plea deals last week, NBC News reports.

Young Thug–real name: Jeffery Lamar Williams–was indicted on a 56-count RICO indictment that originally named 27 co-defendants for their roles in the operation of the Young Slime Life, or YSL, street gang.  Jury selection in Williams’ trial started in January 2023.

The RICO charges and prosecution are constructed in a similar way to the charges facing Republican standard-bearer and past/future election denier Donald Trump and 18 co-defendants.  To date, Willis has secured guilty pleas from four of the co-defendants.

Right wing newspaper-ish um media outlet the Washington Examiner reports that Team MAGA are starting to piss their pants over lagging male turnout in key swing states, citing tweets by small-faced get-out-the-vote expert Charlie Kirk and other right wing propagandist Mike Cernovich.

“Supporters of former President Donald Trump have largely been optimistic [Are you fucking serious? ‘Optimistic’? Lol, the whole MAGAverse has been acting like he’s already won for months now] about his chances to take back the White House, but with less than a week before Election Day, some are raising the red flag over early voting data,” the Examiner writes of the about-face.

Christ… On paper it wasn’t the worst idea and it still yet may work. Activating low-propensity male voters in the Rogan-crypto-MMA-incel-masturbator set would probably have run up the score against Joe Biden. It may prove decisive on Election Day. It also required competence and execution which – look, we’re not the ones saying this, the Examiner and Kirk are – does not appear to have actually been effected in the early vote phase here and now it looks like it’s Tuesday or nothing.

Addressing a skeptical Maria Bartiromo on Thursday about why this time will be different when MAGA voters were disappointed after promises of a Red Wave in 2022, Jesus Dork Speaker of the House did pretty much nothing that would actually allay that skepticism, just trying to assure the crazy hag that they’ll kick some ass because Trump is on the ballot and people love him and so on.

A new set of swing state surveys by CNN/SSRS finds Vice President Kamala Harris leading convicted felon former President Trump 48 to 47 percent among likely voters in North Carolina while in Georgia the same numbers are flipped and Trump leads 48 to 47 among LVs in the Peach State.

“Lyin’ Kamala is giving a News Conference now, saying that I want to end the Affordable Care Act. I never mentioned doing that, never even thought about such a thing,” posted convicted felon former President Trump on Thursday. The rant went on for longer but we kind of had to stop him right there because the fat fuck is either forgetting (entirely possible given the grave state of his physical and mental health) or outright lying that he tried and failed to repeal the Affordable Care Act in 2017.

Actually what would be even funnier is if he thinks the Affordable Care Act and its better known media sobriquet “Obamacare” are two completely different things. Can’t rule that out here.

“Just watched Kamala’s Fake News Conference – ALL LIES! She is desperate but, more importantly, she looks totally EXHAUSTED! She should rest now, and leave the Campaigning to me!” the fat fuck wrote in a later post. LOL at the “leave the Campaigning to me!” Sounds like a confident winner.

🔥🔥🔥 WOW! You see what Fox News anchor Bill Hemmer just did?!? Liberal Foxy Jessica Tarlov was droning on and on about how President Trump said “I’m going to do it whether the women like it or not. I am going to protect them,” and how it was bad for his campaign and Hemmer just TOTALLY SHUT HER DOWN by saying it was “taken out of context”! HELLO 911? I’D LIKE TO REPORT A RHETORICAL MURDER! Completely destroyed her for trying to say it would hurt him with women voters! CONTEXT 1, WOMEN VOTERS 0! FATALITY! FLAWLESS VICTORY! AMERICA WINS! 🔥🔥🔥

Rapper Cardi B will take the stage with Vice President Kamala Harris at a Friday rally in Milwaukee, CNN’s Elizabeth Wagmeister reports, noting that Cardi had backed away from endorsing Joe Biden earlier this year because, in her words “I don’t fuck with both y’all.”

Still waiting for the Taylor Swift campaign stop. Not that it’ll do much if anything one way or another at this point, but it’d still be nice as a little “fuck you” to Charlie Kirk, Ben Shapiro, and the rest of those tickledicks who spent countless hours of airtime sweating it this year.

“We caught them CHEATING BIG in Pennsylvania. Must announce and PROSECUTE, NOW! This is a CRIMINAL VIOLATION OF THE LAW. STOP VOTER FRAUD! CHECK OUT KAMALA’S NEW SLEAZEBAG LAWYER. WE ARE ON THEM ALL THIS TIME! Who would have ever thought that our Country is so CORRUPT?” posted convicted felon former President Trump on Thursday, once again declining to explain what the fuck he’s talking about when he says he and his team (?) “caught them.”