At least six Russian tourists got OceanGated in the waters off the Egyptian Red Sea resort town of Hurghada on Thursday as a submarine operated by a local company called Sinbad tours sank during an excursion, the BBC reports citing Egyptian media and the Russian embassy in Cairo.

The vessel was carrying at least 45 people, with all of the passengers Russian. But like the 1990s comedian who shares the name with the sub’s owner, this isn’t funny. Or at least not as funny as the last time a sub full of Russians sank. Maybe the headline would’ve been better if the Pharaoh in the book of Exodus had been named, because that way the joke would’ve been about how now they know what he feels like being at the bottom of the Red Sea. “Six Russian tourists know how the Pharaoh feels now” was just too vague without an actual name for him. That Prince of Egypt movie called him Rameses II, but that was just dramatic license for a production that tried way too hard to be a Disney animated musical. Like if the market was there for it then Disney would’ve made it.

About that movie though: Why don’t you hear that many Jews claiming credit for building the pyramids? Are they too busy debunking other conspiracy shit about space lasers and what not that they haven’t gotten around to reclaiming their engineering achievement from aliens?

Attorney General Pam Bondi, Virginia Gov Glenn “Diet MAGA” Youngkin, FBI Director-ish guy Qash Patel, and the other Trump Regime assclowns are touting their arrest of an MS-13 leader but for all we know the guy’s a landscaper who was wearing a Mississippi State number 13 basketball jersey he bought at a thrift store when they found him mowing some GOP lobbyist’s lawn.

US consular personnel in Greenland’s capital of Nuuk apparently literally went door-to-door this week to find someone, anyone willing to host Second Lady Usha Vance and her couchfucker husband, according to a Google translation of the caption below a video clip by Danish broadcaster TV2 that reads “Representatives of the US government have been ringing doorbells in Greenland’s capital, Nuuk, in recent days, ahead of the now-cancelled visit from the US Second Lady, Usha Vance. This is what TV 2’s correspondent in Nuuk, Jesper Steinmetz, says. American representatives have been going around knocking on one door after another in recent days to ask if they would like to have a visit from the vice president’s wife. Everywhere the answer was the same: ‘No, otherwise thank you,’ says Steinmetz. And that’s why the plans have been changed, he adds.”

It’s not clear why the White House won’t just do what Don Jr and Charlie Kirk did on their trip.

Gone from the itinerary are the dogsled race, the photo op at any “cultural site,” and the gift shop/tourist company that unvited Vance on Wednesday. In fact, per USA Today, it’s unlikely the Vances will have an audience with any native Greenlanders whatsoever during their trip, as the visit is now confined solely to the Space Force Base at Pituffik, which sure as shit sounds like the regime’s out to still be able to say that they “visited Greenland.” Fucking idiot Mike Waltz was supposed to make a separate visit but now will accompany the Vances to the Space Force base.

So yeah, the Trump Administration’s efforts to conquer Greenland aren’t going so great. In a moment when the vast, frozen island’s future is in flux and there might conceivably been an opportunity to approach the people there with an offer of a peaceful and equitable accession, the fat idiot’s deranged mix of subtle threats and unambiguous threats have turned them off and made a “Make America Go Away” hat, complete with Greenland’s red and white flag on the side, popular

Officials in Lithuania on Thursday said they’ve located the armored vehicle that was carrying the four US Army soldiers who went missing during a training exercise two days ago and are trying to get it out from a depth of 16 feet down the peat bog it had apparently sank into, NBC News reports.

Defense Minister Dovilė Šakalienė told Lithuanian broadcaster LRT on Thursday that overnight rescue efforts involved water pumping and ground reinforcement, leading to “certain positive signs that give hope for a quicker scenario,” that the vehicle could be recovered from the murky abyss just six miles from the border with Putin client state Belarus, a location inviting ominous speculation.

Nice of Lithuanian officials to provide that update as there’s been nothing from convicted felon President Trump’s administration. The fat bastard himself on Wednesday had no idea what the fuck a reporter was talking about when asked to comment on the situation, a reaction that would’ve been covered on the scale of 9/11 times the Holocaust in both the MAGA media and much of the mainstream as well if that had been Joe Biden’s response to such a question.

In one of their signature bullet points, semi-official GOP messaging operation Axios on Thursday assessed that the Signal chat shitshow (now dubbed “Signalgate” within their confines) represents a moment in which “The MAGA movement’s ability to bend reality through brute force is facing its stiffest test yet, courtesy of the most explosive and widely read story of Trump’s second term.”

The bullet point was assigned “Why it matters,” a classification almost as weighty as a “Zoom in” or even “Zoom out.” The “Between the lines” bullet point was actually pretty goddamned funny and well-produced, identifying five distinct and kind of contradictory different talking point strategies in the MAGA propaganda-industrial complex, a telltale sign that it’s a problem when they can’t settle on a single line of bullshit to explain why something’s a hoax or a witch hunt or whatever.

On the list are “5D chess,” quoting bald incel Tim Pool saying “I’m going to have to go ahead and say I think they’re manipulating this journalist because he basically published their PR message for them,” and a “Deep State” setup, linking firecrotch MAGA influencer DC Draino tweeting “Very ‘interesting’ how this Signal situation was leaked right before all these Congressional hearings so that Democrats could scold Trump’s admin.” Then there’s “It’s a mistake, but it’s refreshing,” citing small-faced shitbag Charlie Kirk’s “It shows integrity, it shows symmetry, it shows consistency,” line and “Jeffrey Goldberg can’t be trusted,” citing Don Jr tweeting “I’m shocked that the perpetrator of the ‘suckers and losers’ hoax would exaggerate and lie about what was in these messages!!!”

Lastly there was “Take the L,” led by date-rapey Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy – who Axios says “represents a significant segment of Trump voters who aren’t hardcore loyalists” – calling on Mike Waltz to be fired for embarrassing allegedly soft supporters like himself. Fucking worm.

Trump admin declares the Atlantic's Signal article a 'hoax' after it drops 'war plans' rhetoric https://t.co/Rvcctr5Odc

— Fox News (@FoxNews) March 27, 2025

Convicted felon President Trump got word of DC Circuit Judge James Boasberg getting the lawsuit over the Signal chat shitshow early Thursday, and boy was he unhappy, posting “How disgraceful is it that ‘Judge’ James Boasberg has just been given a fourth ‘Trump Case,’ something which is, statistically, IMPOSSIBLE. There is no way for a Republican, especially a TRUMP, to win before him.”

“He is Highly Conflicted, not only in his hatred of me – Massive Trump Derangement Syndrome! – but also, because of disqualifying family conflicts. Boasberg, who is the Chief Judge of the DC District Court, seems to be grabbing the ‘Trump Cases’ all to himself, even though it is not supposed to happen that way. Is there still such a thing as the ‘wheel,’ where the Judges are chosen fairly, and at random? The good news is it probably doesn’t matter, because it is virtually inconceivable for me to get an Honest Ruling in DC Our Courts are broken in many parts of our Country, with New York and DC being the most preeminent of all in their Corruption and Radicalism. There must be an immediate investigation of this Rigged System before it is too late!” Trump continued in his tantrum.

An alligator and a crocodile fought for a while last week in front of visitors to Everglades National Park last week, People.com reports. It’s too late to write this whole article to be a fucking rhyme.

Maybe next ti- opportunity. Anyway they bit and snapped at each other over a warm spot on the pavement, drawing blood on each other. The crocodile won, with the gator slinking off.

Wisconsin Trump voter Bradley Bartells, who doesn’t regret his decision even though it kind of got his wife Camilla Munoz arrested by ICE as they returned from their honeymoon earlier this month, tells Newsweek he’s probably going to end up in Peru if and when Camilla gets shipped back home.

“I’ve been seriously considering moving to Peru if they deport her, nothing is for certain yet, but it is in the back of my mind,” said Bartell, adding that it’d be hard on his 12 year-old son from a previous relationship. It’s not clear if Bartell means junior would be moving there with him.

Camilla “is doing ok,” in the ICE lockup, Bartell claims, adding “the publicity seems to be helping her keep her hopes up and keeping a positive attitude. It’s tough for her in there, we are doing our best but it is difficult to stay positive.” It’s not clear why he thinks the publicity is good when millions are mocking him for being a swing stater who had agency in dooming his lovely wife to deportation.

Happens to the best of us… https://t.co/0l9irsUT2v

— Matt Gaetz (@mattgaetz) March 26, 2025

A nice little gift shop and tour company in Greenland’s capital city of Nuuk on Wednesday walked back on their invite to Second Lady Usha Vance during her and her couch-fucking husband’s upcoming scouting mission for the glory of the MAGA Empire. “No thanks to nice visit… When the US Consulate called yesterday and asked if the US Vice President’s wife Usha Vance could visit our store on Friday, we replied that she would be happy to. Everyone is welcome in the store.”

“After closer consideration, however, we have now informed the consulate that we do not want her visit, as we cannot accept the underlying agenda and will not be part of the press show that, quite, of course, comes with it,” wrote Tupilak Travel in a Facebook post translated from Greenlandic.

Up until it was made private minutes after Wired asked the White House to comment on it, National Security Advisor Mike Waltz’s Venmo account displayed Fox News anchors Bret Baier and Brian Kilmeade, CNN’s Brianna Keilar and Kristen Holmes, an unnamed cable news producer, a “prominent national security reporter,” various local anchors, documentary filmmakers, plus MAGA conspiracy freak Ivan Raiklin, among other public figures as Waltz’s friends on the payment platform.

Wired doesn’t speculate over what if anything Waltz would’ve been using that platform to exchange cash with these figures for but instead asserts it’s most likely the case that when Waltz installed the app and set up an account in 2017 he imported his entire phone’s contact list as prompted. Venmo, owned by PayPal, added the option to hide friends in 2021 after Buzzfeed found that President Joe Biden was on someone’s list (whether he actually had a Venmo account is unclear but also pretty unlikely). But it’s an opt-out feature so public friend lists are still the default setting.

Wired gets into why this is a security vulnerability as the non-public figures on the list that Waltz interacted with in his regular life like doctors and real estate agents could be targeted by Chinese intel agents. It also further undermines Waltz’s bullshit line about never having met Atlantic Editor-in-Chief Jeff Goldberg (exposed as bullshit on Wednesday) by asserting he doesn’t talk to journalists.

With apparently not that much effort or specialized tools, reporters with German outlet Spiegel were able to find the cell phone numbers, email addresses, and even some passwords belonging to National Security Adviser Mike Waltz, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard, and Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, some of them definitely still in use and – importantly – linked to their Signal accounts, with the reporters concluding that it’s “conceivable that foreign agents were privy to the Signal chat group in which Gabbard, Waltz and Hegseth discussed a military strike.”

It gets even better: “It was particularly easy for DER SPIEGEL reporters to discover Hegseth’s mobile number and email address. They turned to a commercial provider of contact information that is primarily used by companies for sales, marketing and recruitment.” Lol.

Signaling a shit ton of skepticism of whether a state of war exists between the United States and Venezuela, which no, there isn’t for the moment at least, a three-judge panel at the DC Circuit Court on Wednesday denied convicted felon President Trump’s bid to stay a lower court ruling enjoining the deportation of five Venezuelans in the US targeted for deportation under the Alien Enemies Act.

You know it’s a good day when he’s calling himself the “Fertilization President.”

A complaint filed in Clark County, Nevada last week alleges that a 78 year-old California woman was “violently ejected” by a malfunctioning revolving door at the Trump Las Vegas hotel in March 2023 and finally succumbed to the injuries in October 2024, thus the convicted felon president’s corrupt business empire is responsible for her death, the Las Vegas Review-Journal reports.

Per the complaint filed by the family of Diana Truschke, the door was acting up before Truschke was exiting the premises and staff should have closed it down before it allegedly slammed into her from behind and sent her face-first into the pavement outside. The family seeks $15,000 in compensation, the minimum for wrongful death claims in Nevada. That and the fact that Truschke was staying there in the first place should tell you they’re Trump fans.

“Recent reports of a non-governmental app being used to convey highly sensitive and classified information about active military missions are deeply concerning. These instances of mishandling war plans, making unauthorized disclosures, and failing to meet oversight requirements on the Signal app underscore the urgent need for a comprehensive congressional inquiry into how classified information is managed by our nation’s national security officials.”

“As the Ranking Member of the House Foreign Affairs Subcommittee on Oversight and Intelligence, I write to you to request that the US House of Representatives establish a bipartisan select committee to investigate the mishandling of sensitive and classified materials – including the apparent automatic deletion of such materials in potential violation of the Federal Records Act-and how we can better safeguard information critical to our national security. A previous select committee, the House Select Committee on Benghazi, discovered during its investigation that then-Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had relied on a private email server while conducting government business. The allegation raised concerns about whether classified communications had been improperly handled. Critics, many of whom currently serve in Congress or the Trump Administration, pointed out that not following appropriate security protocols could have exposed sensitive information to security risks,” writes Florida Dem Congressman Jared Moskowitz in a letter to House Speaker Mike Johnson making clear his intent on pestering the Trump Regime over this fuckup.

“Indianapolis Zoo President and CEO Dr Rob Shumaker sustained an injury while feeding a chimpanzee through a mesh barrier last week. The tip of Dr Shumaker’s finger was bitten, and he received medical attention for the wound. Dr Shumaker has recovered, and the chimpanzee has no ill-effects. The incident was reported to the zoo’s accrediting body, the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, and was reported internally to relevant staff and to the zoo’s board chair.”

“Dr Shumaker is a primatologist who has spent his career researching and interacting with great apes and the incident occurred during a standard feeding interaction,” said the Indianapolis Zoo in a statement to Fox59 on Tuesday, with the “no ill-effects” part heavily implying the chimp could’ve gotten AIDS or rabies or something from biting Shumaker but tested negative.

Also if you’ve ever seen NOPE or heard of the Travis incident in 2010 you know what a “standard feeding interaction” could turn into, so just stay the hell away from chimpanzees at all costs.