Remember The X-Files episode when Mulder and Scully got temporarily reassigned to investigate a white nationalist terrorist group, arrested a shit ton of them, and then a fictional far right president got elected in 1996, pardoned the terrorists, and fired the two agents in an act of petty retaliation?

No? You nerd! Only a total dweeb would know that was never a real X-Files episode. Anyway Politico reports that not only is there kind of a real-life X-Files unit inside the FBI dedicated to investigating UFOs, but several agents on the squad are concerned that they’re going to have to be honest about the non-paranormal cases they’ve worked when convicted felon President Trump’s thoughtcrimes enforcers come around asking if they were involved in any investigations related to January 6th.

“I have spoken to several agents from the UAP Working Group who are afraid of losing their role and the investigation getting unintentionally compromised,” said Ryan Graves, UAP truth activist and former Navy pilot. “I am concerned that the FBI’s UAP Working Group could be affected by transition changes, and these leaders might not be aware of the incredible work these agents are doing and how their investigation could be empowered as part of a formalized intergovernmental effort.”

Maybe it’d help to print out the Dominion Voting Systems logo and tape it over the UFO on their “I WANT TO BELIEVE” poster in their basement office under the J Edgar Hoover Building. Kash Patel’s loyalty squad might see that and just say “Alright, these guys are America First. On to the next one.”

Please Trump fans, PLEASE go on at length in the comments below to explain to us libtards how much wining you got over Canada and Mexico. Just dunk on us with these AMAZING triumphs for America First.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau on Monday announced that convicted felon President Trump had agreed to pause the implementation of tariffs on Maple-Land for 30 days for concessions almost certainly as meaningless as Mexico sending 10,000 troops to the border, the CBC reports.

Michigan state Senator Mallory McMorrow is expected to launch a bid to replace retiring US Senator Gary Peters in 2026, the AP reports. McMorrow first shot to fame in 2022 when she absolutely flayed some MAGA scrub going through the motions over the “groomer” bullshit in a fiery speech.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average on Monday afternoon pared back its losses after convicted felon President Trump announced Mexican president Claudia Sheinbaum had made a token gesture of deploying 10,000 troops to the border, CNBC reports. The fat fuck didn’t even get a wall out of it.

“It was good to work with the DOGE team this weekend. We must keep all our American government employees safe and we must protect the American people’s property. Anyone imperiling others violating our laws. I recognize that some of the staff at DOGE has been targeted publicly.”

“At this time, I ask that you utilize me and my staff to assist in protecting the DOGE work and the DOGE workers. Any threats, confrontations, or other actions in any way that impact their work may break numerous laws. Let me assure you of this: we will pursue any and all legal action against anyone who impedes your work or threatens your people. We will not act like the previous administration who looked the other way as the Antifa and BLM rioters as well as thugs with guns trashed our capital city. We will protect DOGE and other workers no matter what,” writes Acting DC US Attorney Ed Martin in a very, um, obsequious memo to President Elon Musk

Apologies for the tame headline. It was either that or just say Martin is sucking Musk’s cock on the taxpayer dime. Trying to be marginally less vulgar here. Also note the “We will not act like the previous administration who looked the other way as the Antifa and BLM rioters,” because this cocksucker thinks Joe Biden was president in 2020 during the riots over George Floyd’s murder.

“Sheinbaum is just stalling, nothing will change until the tariffs are enforced. President Trump knows this but after 30 days are up she can’t whine about not being given the opportunity to correct the situation” – Top comment on the Breitbart article “Mexico Folds: Sending Troops to Secure Border to Avoid Trump Tariffs,” posted Monday. The article itself of course paints this as a victory.

Lol. A week ago the Wall Street Journal reported there would be no negotiations before the tariffs actually kicked in, that Trump was dead-set on doing it and THEN he would hear Sheinbaum out. He just fucking played by a woman who’s been in office for four months. Even the commenter – a semi-regular from The Hill back in the day – seems to know it but is putting it as delicately as possible.

“I just spoke with President Claudia Sheinbaum of Mexico. It was a very friendly conversation wherein she agreed to immediately supply 10,000 Mexican Soldiers on the Border separating Mexico and the United States. These soldiers will be specifically designated to stop the flow of fentanyl, and illegal migrants into our Country. We further agreed to immediately pause the anticipated tariffs for a one month period during which we will have negotiations headed by Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Secretary of Treasury Scott Bessent, and Secretary of Commerce Howard Lutnick, and high-level Representatives of Mexico. I look forward to participating in those negotiations, with President Sheinbaum, as we attempt to achieve a ‘deal’ between our two Countries” posted the fat bastard on Monday, completely caving for a meaningless concession almost immediately into his “trade war.”

Was just thinking about how all the conditions are right for QAnon to make a roaring comeback and soon – and then here’s MAGA Congresswoman Carol Miller going a hell of a long way to help make that point on her own. Still going to write that article, even if this dipshit kinda spoiled it.

“Canada doesn’t even allow US Banks to open or do business there. What’s that all about? Many such things, but it’s also a DRUG WAR, and hundreds of thousands of people have died in the US from drugs pouring through the Borders of Mexico and Canada. Just spoke to Justin Trudeau. Will be speaking to him again at 3:00 PM,” posted convicted felon President Trump on Monday.

Of course after 3 PM when Trudeau says he’ll either sign an order opening up the Canadian market to US banks or pledge to have parliament do so (if Trump is not delusional about this, because who knows) and sign off on extraditing a couple of token fentanyl traffickers, then Trump will say he’s not budging on tariffs because the Canadian government requires truckers to be vaccinated for COVID-19. Then it’ll be something about their schools not teaching enough about how dependent Canada is on the US economically or that the government has affirmative action policies in hiring.

And so on and so forth until a few weeks go by and everyone’s fucking pissed at Trump because this and that is more expensive, these businesses dependent on the Canadian market have been destroyed, then Trump will find some bullshit way to declare victory and end the tariffs. Nothing whatsoever will have been accomplished except for ruined lives and businesses, a frayed bilateral relationship, and Trump’s approval rating back to where it was in late 2019/early 2020.

Remember how practically every fucking day for the last four years the MAGA propaganda-industrial complex would scream about how the Biden Administration would be arresting illegal immigrants but then releasing them from custody? NBC News reports it’s still happening and an ICE spokesperson even acknowledged it, saying “The agency’s federal law enforcement officers do everything they can to keep our communities safe. In some cases, ICE is required to release certain arrested aliens from custody.” How many campaign promises is this now that the Orange Allah failed to deliver on?

Knowing full well that, due to Republican dysfunction, they hold all the cards to passing bills funding the government ahead of the March 14th CR expiry and – more importantly – to handling the debt ceiling before June, Democrats are drawing up a lengthy ransom demanding serious concessions from convicted felon President Trump, Jesus Dork Speaker Mike Johnson, and Senate Majority Leader John Thune to keep what’s left of the federal government open, Punchbowl News reports.

A senior House Dem aide said “The things they are doing play to their base – they are not putting pressure on us to cooperate,” and that shit like this tariff dumbassery, giving ketamine-brained psychopath Elon Musk unilateral authority to shut down any and every flow of cash from the Treasury, and pulling the plug on immigration parole for 530,000 Venezuelan refugees for essentially no fucking reason whatsover “increase our needs, which makes coming together harder. We could get to a tipping point where bipartisan cooperation becomes an overwhelming negative for us.”

“Democrats are, as always, committed to responsibly funding the government, but it is extremely difficult to reach an agreement on toplines – much less full-year spending bills – when the president is illegally blocking vast chunks of approved funding, when he is trying to unilaterally shutter critical agencies, and when an unelected billionaire is empowered to force his way into our government’s central, highly-sensitive payments system. Democrats and Republicans alike must be able to trust that when a deal gets signed into law, it will be followed,” said Washington enator Patty Murray.

At the end of a lengthy rundown of how Trade War I is going, the New York Times writes “One Canadian province took a more targeted approach, singling out areas of the United States where support for Mr Trump’s policies has been especially strong. In British Columbia, the premier, David Eby, announced that the province would stop sales of alcohol produced in ‘red states.'”

You may have noticed this is like verbatim, the same shit the fat bastard said on Friday when asked about his tariffs, and then again this morning in a Truth Social post, but the fact that he’s repeating it says a lot about how he’s going to handle it when the low-info egg price voters really start freaking the fuck out: That this isn’t happening, paying more for the same shit is patriotic, so on and so forth.

Again, not like anyone’s going to care that this is being pointed out, but try to imagine the reaction if Joe Biden was so directly dismissive of voters’ rage over inflation two-three years ago.

“Anybody that’s against Tariffs, including the Fake News Wall Street Journal, and Hedge Funds, is only against them because these people or entities are controlled by China, or other foreign or domestic companies. Anybody that loves and believes in the United States of America is in favor of Tariffs. They should have never ended, in favor of the Income Tax System, in 1913. The response to Tariffs has been FANTASTIC!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Sunday, still furious any puny mortals would dare question his infinite wisdom about increasing prices on Americans.

Meanwhile Dow futures are down 520 points as of press time in the actual response to the tariffs.

Officials on the Greek island of Santorini have ordered schools to stay closed Monday, rescue teams with sniffer dogs on call, swimming pools emptied for some reason, and for locals to stay the hell away from any cliffs on Sunday after a swarm of more than 200 earthquakes – the strongest a 4.6 magnitude at 3:55 pm local time this afternoon – have rocked the southern Aegean region since Friday, the AP reports on some rumbling under the site of a freaking apocalyptic volcanic eruption believed to have occurred circa 1600 BC that wiped out the Minoan city of Akrotiri.

The AP’s article says “earthquake experts say the more than 200 tremors that have hit the area since early Friday are not related to the volcano in Santorini, which once produced one of the biggest eruptions in human history,” which seems a little incongruous with past events elsewhere, even if the depth of that 4.6 magnitude was 14 kilometers when magma-driven tremors tend to be shallower. Like how often does a volcanic caldera get hit with 200 quakes in three days but it has nothing to do with the volcano itself? Moreover, what seismically active area that isn’t also volcanically active can have a swarm like that? Natural seismicity. Oklahoma doesn’t count.

In a really ass-backwards way MAGA Missouri Senator Eric Schmitt on Sunday essentially admitted that convicted felon President Trump is mentally non-functional and just spews complete fucking nonsense at inappropriate times. Like if you really listen carefully and follow through it’s hard to come to any other conclusion about how Schmitt tried to walk the tightrope between admitting there’s no evidence “DEI” played a role in the American Eagle Flight 5342-US Army Blackhawk collision on Wednesday and that DEI is potentially a danger because military recruiting is down, therefore Trump was highlighting the dangers of DEI in response to a horrible tragedy that had nothing to do with it. He did not say Trump was right to do so, or make any real effort to defend it.

Therefore Schmitt very carefully and subtly acknowledged that his Orange Allah is an unfit failure.

Allegedly prescient groundhogs Punxsutawney Phil and Staten Island Chuck on Sunday made conflicting predictions on how much longer the winter of 2024-2025 was going to last, with the former predicting another six weeks of cold and the latter determining spring would arrive early, according to the National Weather Service’s New York office, which rates Chuck’s track record as 85 percent accurate to Phil’s 35 percent. What’s not clear is whether this is locally skewed – as in it wouldn’t be really that unbelievable for it to be 57 degrees and sunny in NUC while a blizzard dumps three feet of snow on central Pennsylvania in late February, thus both rodents would be “right.”

In conclusion Groundhog Day is stupid. The movie is pretty good though.

Drug-addicted white nationalist billionaire Elon Musk’s lawyers on Saturday amended an existing lawsuit against the World Federation of Advertisers, CVS, and Twitch to add Lego, Nestlé, Tyson Foods, Abbott Laboratories, Colgate-Palmolive, Pinterest, and Shell International, as defendants in a federal complaint filed to essentially punish the corporate brands for not buying ad space on a social media platform that Musk ruined by allowing Neo-Nazis to run rampant, NPR reports.

“Collective action among competing advertisers to dictate brand safety standards to be applied by social media platforms shortcuts the competitive process and allows the collective views of a group of advertisers with market power to override the interests of consumer,” the original complaint said, evidently using the imprimatur of principled opposition to monopolies to push this horseshit.

“Last year, following the suit, the World Federation of Advertisers discontinued [its Global Alliance for Responsible Media] operations, explaining that ‘recent allegations that unfortunately misconstrue its purpose and activities have caused a distraction and significantly drained its resources and finances,'” NPR writes, explaining that they’ve already capitulated at least partially and yet Ketamine Brain continues adding defendants. Whether this goes the same way that convicted felon President Trump’s complaints against ABC News and Facebook did – and the way the one against CBS News reportedly is is about to go – remains to be seen. Maybe that there are so many increases the chances one will simply say “Alright, enough of this bullshit.” Hopefully that’s Lego, both in track with Danish refusal to capitulate to the MAGA Reich on the matter of Greenland, and that it’ll create room for a “Musk steps on Lego barefoot”-type headline. Everything would be awesome then.