“RELEASE THE WATER, NEWSOM. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? DJT” posted convicted felon President-Elect Trump on Tuesday morning, this time failing to specify exactly where this fucking idiot thinks “THE WATER” needed to fight the still-raging fires is supposed to come from.

Meanwhile the Los Angeles Times reports that Tuesday is going to again be a very bad day for wind conditions in the area, with National Weather Service meteorologist Rose Schoenfeld saying their warning is “one of the loudest ways that we can shout,” that the area still faces “a continued extreme fire weather and wind scenario,” bringing wind gusts ranging from 45 mph to 70 mph.

“The National Weather Service is predicting close to hurricane-force-level winds and so we’re making urgent preparations,” Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass said. “My top priority and the top priority of everyone else is to do everything we can to protect lives.”

“It is true that I don’t have a similar biography to Defense Secretaries of the last 30 years. But, as President Trump also told me, we’ve repeatedly placed people atop the Pentagon with supposedly ‘the right credentials’ – whether they are retired generals, academics, or defense contractor executives – and where has it gotten us? He believes, and I humbly agree, that it’s time to give someone with dust on his boots the helm. A change agent. Someone with no vested interest in certain companies or specific programs or approved narratives,” says binge drinking white nationalist former Fox News host Pete Hegseth in his opening statement ahead of his Tuesday confirmation hearing before the Senate Armed Services Committee.

Former Justice Department special counsel Jack Smith, in the wee hours of Tuesday morning, made public the first half of his final report on convicted felon President-Elect Trump’s crimes.

The Chinese Communist party’s overlords are considering selling their precious social media app TikTok to ketamine-brained billionaire Elon Musk if the US forces them to offload it, figuring he would be a trustworthy propaganda partner and better than shutting it down, Bloomberg reports.

Starbucks on Monday announced they will be ending their “demented vagrants and all sorts of other non-customers are welcome to lounge in our stores all day” and instituting a “buy something or get the fuck out” policy as part of an effort to revive sagging sales and the old “community coffeehouse” feel of the chain from before everything went to shit in 2020, the Associated Press reports.

“We want everyone to feel welcome and comfortable in our stores,” Starbucks spokeswoman Jaci Anderson said in corporate speak for the “get the fuck out you smelly freaks ordering ice water to go with your goddamned cold Chinese food in a plastic container” policy. “By setting clear expectations for behavior and use of our spaces, we create a better environment for everyone.”

Florida’s Department of Motor Vehicles for some reason have published a list of every vanity plate submission that they manually reviewed and then rejected in 2024 and it’s full of ribald highlights such as “LV M1LFS,” “IAM DUI,” “FKY0U,” “6 NICE9,” “GR8 ASS,” “LUVDK,” “XXL WANG,” MAGA-themed lowlights like “4KLAN,” “ARYAN14,” “DP0RTM,” “FKTFEDS,” and also no fewer than 15 different variations of the “Hawk Tuah” meme, Local10 reports, warning of their “explicit” nature.

Misdemeanant MAGA insurrectionist Pamela Hemphill, who did a brief stint in the clink for entering the Capitol during the January 2021 riot, said she will refuse to accept any pardon that may not actually be forthcoming from convicted felon President-Elect Trump, the Independent reports.

“Congress hereby authorizes the President, beginning at 12:01 pm Eastern Standard Time on January 20, 2025, to seek to enter into negotiations with the Kingdom of Denmark to secure the acquisition of Greenland by the United States. Transmission of Agreement: Not later than 85 calendar days after reaching an agreement with the Kingdom of Denmark relating to the acquisition of Greenland by the United States, the President shall transmit to the appropriate congressional committees the agreement, including all related materials and annexes,” says the text of dipshit Tennessee MAGA Congressman Andy Ogles’s “Make Greenland Geat Again” bill, introed on Monday.

It does absolutely nothing in terms of creating a legal structure for Greenlanders to become US citizens upon annexation, setting aside money for a purchase, building new infrastructure or updating existing components to comply with US standards, or incentivizing Greenlanders economically to support integration. It just authorizes the Orange Conquistador to enter into negotiations to acquire Greenland, something he does not actually need authorization to do. He can say pretty much whatever he wants while conducting his administration’s foreign policy.

Not for nothing, but it was just two articles ago here where a certain author asserted that imposing demands on California to force them to submit to the MAGA Reich in exchange for aid is easy to talk shit about on Fox News, not so easy to put into debate in Congress let alone put into actual legislation. Northern California MAGA Congressman Doug LaMalfa is definitely already struggling.

FBI agents showed up at Gigli star Ben Affleck’s home in the Brentwood area of Los Angeles on Sunday morning, waited outside of the gate with LA County Sheriff’s deputies for a few minutes, and then left, Parade reports on a bizarre, inscrutable incident involving Hollywood’s mediocre-st star.

Brentwood was the subject of an evacuation order the previous night as the still-raging Palisades Fire surged toward the neighborhood. Every other pertinent detail is unknown, as in whether Affleck was at home and didn’t answer the agents because he was too hungover, if he was at ex-wife Jennifer Garner’s home with their three kids, if there was a search warrant for his house, if not then why the hell FBI agents were there, if the house burned down, and whether Affleck is still alive.

Florida MAGA Judge Aileen Cannon on Monday denied a bid by convicted felon President-Elect Trump’s minions and co-defendants Walt Nauta and Carlos De Oliveira to block the Justice Department from releasing the first half of now-former Justice Department special counsel Jack Smith’s final report, the half about the fat fuck’s failed post-2020 election coup attempt.

The assholes, who are probably going to be pardoned by the end of the month, had attempted to block it because it contains two passing mentions of the case stemming from Trump’s theft of classified documents from the White House. As for Volume II of the report on the theft, Cannon set a hearing for this Friday to hear Nauta and De Oliveira’s lawyers waste time and run out the clock until it will be burned in a furnace deep below the newly re-MAGAfied Department of Justice next week.

Very timeshare sales associate-esque Iowa Congressman Zach Nunn bookended the line with the whole “strings attached” song-and-dance directed at the elected officials in California, but in the middle of it was a very distinct and unqualified admonition to the voters in Los Angeles: “We will certainly help those thousands of homes and families who have been devastated, but we also expect you to change bad behavior,” pretty plainly addressed to the victims themselves.

Citing a study of survey responses by Reviews.org, WKRC reports that they found the average American spent five hours and 1 minute per day – a total of 2.5 months – using their phone in 2024, and checking it an average of 205 times daily. Many know it’s a problem, but the 43 percent who said they feel as though they are addicted to their phones, is down from 67 percent in 2023.

The reporting was a little vague on what strictly constitutes “on their phone,” which is to say the implicitly problematic 2.5 months out of a year spent may or may not encompass the general pre-smartphone era understanding of “on the phone” as in literally on a phone call. A lot of people still do that to conduct business and personal affairs, which could be padding that otherwise pretty eye-popping topline. Then there’s listening to music or podcasts, a solid smartphone capability generally associated with more physically active, social, and/or mentally healthier pursuits than, say, watching porn while at work behind the wheel of a police car. Did audio streaming count for the 2.5 months?

This isn’t to try to minimize it so much as say we could use some more pinpointed information about how bad America’s staring slack-jawed at a phone screen habit is. It might be just slightly less bad.

“Governor Greg Abbott today ordered all flags to be raised to full-staff at the Texas Capitol and all state buildings on January 20, 2025, in honor of Inauguration Day. Pursuant to federal statute, the US flag should be displayed ‘especially on… Inauguration Day, January 20,'” says Texas Governor Greg Abbot in a statement announcing his flagpoles will stand tall and strong next Monday.

“‘Texas continues to mourn with our fellow Americans across the country over the passing of former President Jimmy Carter,’ said Governor Abbott. ‘President Carter’s steadfast leadership left a lasting legacy that will be felt for generations to come, which together as a nation we honor by displaying flags at half-staff for 30 days. On January 20, our great nation will celebrate our democratic tradition of transferring power to a new President by inaugurating the 47th President of the United States, Donald J Trump. As we unite our country and usher in this new era of leadership, I ordered all flags to be raised to full-staff at the Texas Capitol and all state buildings for the inauguration of President Trump. While we honor the service of a former President, we must also celebrate the service of an incoming President and the bright future ahead for the United States of America.'”

This isn’t an erection joke because, as a paraplegic, it’s impossible for Abbott to achieve one. The order is however kind of a symbolic hard-on and clearly Abbot’s direct response to the convicted felon president-elect’s tantrum over the flags being lowered in honor of Jimmy Carter’s memory.

Alcoholic white nationalist felon Steve Bannon will (probably) continue his jihad against Elon Musk on Monday following his comments to an Italian newspaper calling the ketamine-brained billionaire a racist scumbag. Which is pretty lol coming from a white nationalist like Sloppy Steve.

Kremlin officials on Monday announced Russian dictator Vladimir Putin and Iranian dictator Masoud Pezeshkian will on Friday to sign a “comprehensive strategic partnership” between the two belligerent and largely failed states to solidify their cooperation on inflicting misery on people living in countries within their overlapping respective spheres of influence, AFP reports.

“On 17 January, Vladimir Putin will hold talks with the President of the Islamic Republic of Iran Masoud Pezeshkian, who will come to Russia on an official visit,” said the Kremlin in a statement, adding that following the signing ceremony Putin and Pezeshkian are to discuss “prospects for the further expansion of bilateral cooperation, including in trade and investment, transport and logistics and the humanitarian sphere, as well as topical issues on the regional and international agenda.”

The new strategic partnership will probably go completely ignored by Putin’s ally, convicted felon President-Elect Trump, who hates Iran but not enough to let it ruin his friendship with Vlad.

The Lake County, Florida Sheriff’s Office last week announced that an internal investigation had found that a deputy who had claimed his “brakes locked up” when he plowed his patrol car into a woman’s vehicle on November 6th was actually distracted because he watching porn on his phone behind the wheel, leading the deputy to resign before he could be fired, WESH 2 reports.

It does not appear that any injuries were inflicted on the unidentified woman who was waiting behind a stopped school bus when registered Republican now-former Deputy Tristan Macomber smashed into her car and the sheriff’s department paid for the damages. Macomber’s story steadily unraveled over the next two months as when the brakes lie fell apart due to the body cam footage he then “admitted” to looking at a group text chat with other cops. Then when the internal affairs investigators said it was obvious from the footage Macomber was looking at images of some sort on the phone, he said they had been sent in that group chat. “The group’s text messages contained no memes or videos,” said the internal report – obtained by WESH – about that line crumbling too.

It’s obvious that at this point Macomber had to know he was fucked but wanted to maintain some shred of dignity and spare himself the embarrassment of being known as the guy who got fired because he was looking at porn when he smashed up some lady’s car – or at the very least claim that it had been sent in a group chat. It was during a later interview with investigators that Macomber admitted he was looking at “inappropriate pictures,” and then “clarified” it was porn.

Almost immediately following a 6.9 magnitude earthquake off the Japanese island of Kyushu about a half-hour ago, the US Tsunami Warning Center on Monday issued a bulletin stating “There is no tsunami danger for the US West Coast, British Columbia, or Alaska. Based on earthquake information and historic tsunami records, the earthquake is not expected to generate a tsunami.”

Which is great news for folks in the Los Angeles area, who can now say “Well at least there probably won’t be a massive tsunami crashing into the coastline today. Still pretty early in the day though.”