Evidently commanded to make some shit up for damage control after everyone started asking question about the horrible state of the skin on his neck, White House doctor Sean Barbarella was forced Monday to issue a statement saying “President Trump is using a very common cream on the right side of his neck, which is a preventative skin treatment, prescribed by the White House Doctor.”

“The President is using this treatment for one week, and the redness is expected to last for a few weeks,” Boobarella continued. He did not explain why can’t RFK Jr and/or Joe Rogan just have a look at the “redness.” At least let them try some ivermectin or mercury or laudanum or something on it.

Several of the FBI agents fired by dipshit Director K$H Patel last week – for the grave offense of not quitting their jobs immediately in 2022 when their superiors assigned them to track down the classified documents convicted felon President Trump had stolen from the White House at the end of his first failed administration – were part of a counterintel unit dedicated to preventing the very kind of Iranian reprisal attacks the Trump regime is warning of right now, the New York Sun reports.

Now since it’s K$H Patel, incompetence cannot and should not be ruled out. However if you recall last June during the days after the first Trump attack on Iran there were a LOT more highly touted deportations, circlejerking over “Iranian sleeper cells,” and that bullshit about 1,500 Iranian agents that “crossed the border” 2021 through 2025 and so on when the campaign was brief and limited.

This time? The IDF just killed the fucking Ayatollah with US support which, well you’d think that they would be a LOT angrier, more bloodthirsty, and ready to avenge him immediately. Of course this could change any minute, but it’s quite possible that K$H knows that it was then and is now all bullshit and he can just fire federal law enforcement agents for following orders four years ago.

Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin needs to lay off the meth or whatever the hell’s addling his brain because he twice called Pete Hegseth “President Hegseth,” then corrected himself, and THEN said “President Hegseth” again… then called Iran “Iraq” for the second time on TV Monday.

Can’t carry the photo here because Getty images is a RICO operation but good God convicted felon President Trump was captured sporting a hideous rash-like situation on his neck Monday, this in addition to his still-wounded hands that he keeps covering up with makeup. It could be a condition called Actinic Keratosis, which dermatologists always consider to be precancerous.

Probably hurts and/or itches pretty badly. Might want to put some bleach of maybe Windex on it.

Former Russian senator and oligarch Umar Dzhabrailov was found unalived with a Luger pistol on the floor next to him at a luxury apartment complex in Moscow on Monday, just weeks after he commented publicly on his numerous mentions in the Epstein files, the UK Sun reports.

“I knew Epstein. I was introduced to him by Ghislaine Maxwell, a soulmate of mine,” the now-deceased 67 year-old said recently to a reporter. “But I never could have imagined that they were partners, that she was involved in finding those girls who are now all over the media. I regret that Ghislaine, the most charming woman, got a life sentence,” Dzhabrailov continued. His mentions in the Epstein files amounted to a few emails exchanged with Maxwell that did not implicate him.

So maybe it was something else. The Sun’s article also mentions that Dzhabrailov’s company bank accounts had been frozen 10 days ago because who the hell knows what he did to piss off Putin.

A pair of hot air balloonists were stuck in the gondola of their near-deathtrap for nearly five hours Saturday after it became snagged on a 900 ft high cell phone tower in Gregg County, Texas on Saturday, according to a kind of choppily-written Facebook post by the Longview Fire Department.

“At approximately 8:15 this morning, units from Longview Fire Department and multiple assisting agencies were dispatched to a high angle rescue after a hot air balloon basket carrying two occupants struck a cell phone tower at an estimated height of 920 feet near the intersection of State Highway 300 and FM 1844 in north Gregg County. Climbing operations began around 8:50 AM using multiple rope systems due to the extreme height and complexity of the incident. Rescuers made patient contact at approximately 10:00 AM. Both occupants are conscious and, at this time, no injuries have been reported,” the Department’s social media team wrote in the erratic post.

“All members of the rescue team are part of our highly trained Special Operations Unit from Stations 5 and 2, operating in a coordinated technical rescue effort. Longview is in command of the scene and the operational activities. This is a highly technical and time intensive operation. Updates will be provided as information becomes available. We appreciate the support and cooperation of the community as crews continue working to bring both occupants safely to the ground. Additionally: the second occupant has been removed. This is still an ongoing operation,” the post continued, evidently having been edited repeatedly rather than just summarized an after-action.

But holy fucking shit that had to suck for the balloonists. Even worse if they’re like real hardcore QAnon and/or MAHA assclowns getting themselves blasted with all that 5G up close for five hours.

Convicted felon President Trump on Monday told CNN’s Jake Tapper that, per other anchor Pamela Brown “the big wave is yet to come, so clearly things are gonna be escalating, not deescalating” in Iran. Separately the fat bastard told Fox’s Bret Baier “that there is a plan on Iran and that they have always had a plan,” to install new leadership in Iran… or just let some other leadership take power.

These three House GOP assholes really managed to put some variety into their bullshit on Monday, with Derrick Van Orden using the 1979 hostage crisis is the justification for the deaths of four troops that in all likelihood weren’t born yet when that happened, oh and Chris Murphy “causing discontent” among the ranks by asking questions. Then crazy Nancy Mace claiming that the Iranian nuclear program was not, in fact, “obliterated” last year and then bald weenie Texas Congressman Keith Self saying “All of the members of Congress that are bellyaching need to stop it. We’ve got young Americans in harm’s way today. If you’ve got a complaint, let’s deal with it afterwards.”

The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped 543 points, or 1.1 percent. The S&P 500 lost 1.1 percent, and the Nasdaq Composite futures declined 1.6 percent on the open Monday, CNBC reports while the price of oil is HOT HOT HOT!!! EVERYONE’S BUYING OIL!!! IT’S A BLACK GOLD RUSH!!!

Seriously expect the national average price for a gallon of gas to spike up to $3 within hours, per Gas Buddy’s Patrick De Haan, who also sees diesel hitting $4/gallon by next week.

At least 15 US Air Force planes have been moved from the stationing at Moron and Rota Airbases in Spain, Reuters reports on the end result of Foreign Minister Jose Manuel Albares’s proclamation that th- Damn that “Moron Airbase” is friggin funny. Like this is a fairly serious development in international politics that Spain at least temporarily kicked American weaponry out of the country because they would not allow their airspace to be used in support of convicted felon President Trump’s directionless attack on Iran and of course “Moron” as a proper noun from the country doesn’t have the same meaning as it does in English… Still, it kind of jumps out from the story.

A 15 year-old Mesa, Arizona kid was arrested at his high school last month after the FBI’s domestic terrorism unit tracked him down from chat room logs in which he threatened to massacre of Latino students in his school as well as a nearby mosque, the Arizona Republic reports on the kind of investigative capability and outcome that hardcore hockey fan K$H Patel was supposed to stop.

Or at least focus only on the Antifa libs throwing molotovs at Tesla dealerships.

Prior to the arrest cops executed a warrant on his home and found “tactical gear, a tomahawk, extremist-related materials, replica firearms and airsoft guns,” per Mesa PD Lt Jesse Macias.

A fourth US service member deployed to the Middle East for convicted felon President Trump’s war of conquest against Iran has been killed in action, CENTCOM announced on Monday without much in the way of specifics – other than to appear to hint that the member had been among the five wounded along with the other three killed on Sunday and then later succumbed to their injuries.

Democratic former Newport, Rhode Island mayor and current city Councilman Xaykham Rexford Khamsyvoravong on Monday announced he’s launching a primary challenge to incumbent Lt Governor Sabina Matos, the Providence Journal reports while pretty plainly expressing puzzlement over a campaign focused on tackling the “challenges facing the healthcare system” from the Ocean State’s second highest office which – like most other lieutenant governorships in the northeast and many elsewhere – has virtually no significant statutory powers or responsibilities at all.

Plus there’s the name which, God bless him for sticking with traditional Asian filial piety but it doesn’t always mesh well with politics, could’ve been shortened along the way. Or maybe he could’ve just stuck with Rexford, his white Rhode Islander mom’s maiden name. WASPy? Yes. Easily spelled? YES.

Thus concludes this important update on the 2026 Rhode Island Democratic lieutenant gubernatorial primary and yes it’s obvious this guy’s simply trying to build his career and position himself for higher office without challenging Governor Dan McKee now directly this year.

“At 11:03 pm ET, March 1, three US F-15E Strike Eagles flying in support of Operation Epic Fury went down over Kuwait due to an apparent friendly fire incident. During active combat – that included attacks from Iranian aircraft, ballistic missiles, and drones – the US Air Force fighter jets were mistakenly shot down by Kuwaiti air defenses. All six aircrew ejected safely, have been safely recovered, and are in stable condition. Kuwait has acknowledged this incident, and we are grateful for the efforts of the Kuwaiti defense forces and their support in this ongoing operation.”

“The cause of the incident is under investigation. Additional information will be released as it becomes available,” says US Central Command in a statement posted early Monday.

Jesus Dork Speaker of the House Mike Johnson’s minions are hoping everything goes smoothly with Tony Gonzales in Tuesday’s primary – smooth as in they hope that far right gun freak Brandon Herrera defeats him and then he doesn’t resign his seat before next January because they’re seriously close to losing the majority with just a little more attrition, Politico reports.

“Should he lose the primary, which a lot of us expect, he’ll probably just serve out his term. People still deserve to have a congressman doing the constituent work, etc,” said Florida Congressman Mike Haridopolos, as though there’d be any incentive for Gonzales to remain as a lame duck. “I think the voters in Texas are going to speak pretty loudly. And I would guess that his days are numbered in Congress,” Haridopolos added, evidently hell-bent on alienating and pissing off his colleague.

These updates are just going to keep being all over the place and hardly keeping up with all the bullshit the Orange God Emperor hath wrought, but yeah the American embassy in Kuwait has been hit with at least one Iranian projectile, the AP reports without any further detail.

“DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH TO SUPPORT MY ARGUMENT, LIB” is so friggin stale. Really thought MAGAmerica had gotten more “sophisticated” then this with their bullshit after 10 years.

There are a number of darkly absurd laughs to be found in both the details and the composition of a Sunday WBRE article about a 74 year-old Dalmatia, Pennsylvania man’s death this afternoon in “a crash that involved one car and one train,” phrased as though typically it requires more than the one Norfolk Southern hauler. There’s that and the mention that the unfortunate decedent wasn’t wearing a seatbelt when his Subaru Forester was t-boned by the likely fast moving locomotive which, by the way, it’s “unknown whether there [was] any damage” inflicted upon it, per the NBC affiliate station.

However those respective elements of the source report – the very genre of which is already often strong enough to stand up a National Zero article on its own, even down to the gratuitous factual gap on how much damage the train sustained during the grade crossing collision in the Keystone State’s central Northumberland County – simply cannot outshine the basis of the cheeky headline.

The man’s first name was Darwin. Friggin Darwin Whitmer is the guy who thought driving around the crossing gates was a good idea and there’d be no consequences for it. Holy freaking shit that is so goddamned on the nose it’s actually anti-humorous, like something Babylon Bee fans would heartily chuckle at even while the writers struggled to fit creationism into the “joke.” Really the only issue is the man’s age at 74, a deep dent in the whole “Darwin Awards” premise given that he’s either long ago passed on his genes or didn’t and was statistically unlikely to do so. That name though, lol.