We had to add that parenthetical qualifier to the headline after realizing that it’s perfectly plausible, by Florida’s standards, that an 84 year-old woman could conceivably punch an alligator in the face, completely unprovoked. It’s just simply not that big of a stretch given National Zero’s lengthy archive of reporting picked up from the Sunshine State, much of it involving alligators.

Anyway, Fox News reports North Fort Myers Dolores Boppel is lucky to be alive after an encounter with one of the vicious reptiles. Boppel told local media she had been feeling uneasy while she was out walking her dog on Thursday night just before the beast emerged suddenly from a pond near her trailer park. “All of a sudden, I had a premonition, I’m telling you,” Boppel said. “It was like, ‘Uh-oh’. It was like a torpedo. I didn’t see anything go that fast in my life.” Boppel tossed her Shih-Tzu, Queen, aside and took the brunt of the attack, with the gator biting into her legs.

Boppel then bopped it in the face, causing the alligator to retreat and give her time to escape with her dog. A neighbor heard screams helped Boppel inside and quickly called 911. Bodycam footage recorded by responding sheriff’s deputies caught Boppel saying “Ma’am, God bless you. The park’s gonna pay for this son of a bitch,” to an EMT who was treating her wounds. Florida Fish and Wildlife officials sent a trapper who found the alligator and relocated it to parts unknown.

An investor who backed convicted felon Billy McFarland’s first Fyre Festival has warned that the second go could end up being a quagmire for backers and attendees, the BBC reports.

“Proceed with caution,” Andy King warned those who might be swayed by McFarland’s charms into writing a big check to a guy who stranded thousands of influencers and Instagram-selfie loving millennials on a remote Bahamian island for days after promises of a destination concert festival replete with luxury villas and a whole bunch of other shit he couldn’t deliver upon, an infamous episode King says “known for the biggest failure in pop culture and wants to flip the script. But I’m not sure he’s going about it the right way.” King added that he met with McFarland a few months ago but the guy hasn’t “learned a lot in prison… he’s shooting from the hip again”.

“Billy has a gift. He’s got a lot of charisma. He knows how to pull people in,” King continued. We would be eager to hear King’s sage wisdom on whether the US should elect Donald Trump again.

“More Republicans trust Trump and his campaign (67 percent) than government certifications of election results (51 percent) for accurate information on the outcome of the November election. In contrast, Democrats show similar levels of trust in government certifications (87 percent) and Harris and her campaign (82 percent),” says the write-up of an AP-NORC poll.

Well it won’t be like we didn’t see it coming should (God willing) the fat fuck lose to Harris in November. Hell we saw it coming back in 2020. Feels like the unrest could get uglier than that interregnum since Trump was in office then and the fanboys continued to hold out hope until the last minute that he could declare martial law. And that if he didn’t at least Joe Biden’s a white man so the indignities of him winning weren’t as awful. In that sense the risk of any coup attempt succeeding is far lower which actually paradoxically increases the risk of violence, much of it probably directed at election officials in swing states or simply just indiscriminate massacres of perceived Dem voters.

An inspiring story out of California: A controlled burn meant to clear dry vegetation from the outskirts of Cleveland National Forest in Orange County broke free Monday from its enslavers on a county public works crew as if to say “No! I will NOT be contained!” spreading its cry of glorious liberation across at least 5,432 acres of wild, mountainous terrain, the Desert Sun reports.

For those keeping track, this one’s called the “Airport Fire,” because it began at a small airfield used by hobbyists for launching model planes in the preserve. Not bad, if maybe a bit on the generic side.

We wonder where the dispatcher ballsy enough to call one the “Forest Fire” or the “Smoky Fire” is.

In short, don't let the crybabies in the media dissuade you, fellow patriots.

Keep the cat memes flowing.

— JD Vance (@JDVance) September 10, 2024

“In the last several weeks, my office has received many inquiries from actual residents of Springfield who’ve said their neighbors’ pets or local wildlife were abducted by Haitian migrants. It’s possible, of course, that all of these rumors will turn out to be false. Do you know what’s confirmed? That a child was murdered by a Haitian migrant who had no right to be here. That local health services have been overwhelmed. That communicable diseases – like TB and HIV – have been on the rise. That local schools have struggled to keep up with newcomers who don’t know English.”

“That rents have risen so fast that many Springfield families can’t afford to put a roof over their head. If you’re a reporter, or an activist, who didn’t give a shit about these suffering Americans until yesterday, I have some advice: Spare your outrage for your fellow citizens suffering under Kamala Harris’s policies. Be outraged at yourself for letting this happen. In short, don’t let the crybabies in the media dissuade you, fellow patriots. Keep the cat memes flowing,” tweeted Vice Presidential candidate and US Senator JD Vance on Tuesday and yes this is real, you can see it above.

Where to even start with this batshittery? Can he be more specific about how exactly the Haitians are bringing HIV to his white constituents? When was this white kid murdered? Where are any of these “inquiries” and why the fuck would people be complaining to a United States senator about their dog or cat going missing rather than local police or animal control? Say what you will about Mike Pence, but in what fucking universe would he have tweeted something like this?

Adding to the Guardian’s Monday report about some of the Republican National Committee’s old, pre-Trump takeover guard calling the new GOTV operation regime a mess that could doom the Orange God Emperor to defeat, Semafor on Tuesday follows up with more urinary incontinence, writing that “top members of the party are already whispering concerns, pointing fingers, and offering pushback as it relates to” the “unconventional approach” of outsourcing canvassing to PACs like Charlie Kirk and Elon Musk’s scam outfits and the paid door-knockers from Turnout America.

Swing state Republican senators are particularly nervous that the Trump operation is too focused on fighting the last war, specifically that they had the run of the field when Democrats were holding back due to self-imposed COVID restrictions, with North Carolina’s Thomas Tillis telling Semafor that the state GOP’s ground operation is not where it was in 2020 anyway and the convicted felon former president has “got to be able to match up… What we’re seeing in North Carolina that we haven’t seen for a time, though, is a really well organized ground game by the Democrats.”

One anonymously quoted GOP strategist based in an unspecified swing state said they’re “as plugged in as they get – and yet I don’t even know who my friends and family back home can contact for a yard sign or to knock doors in their precinct.” Another questioned whether the several PACs working for Trump are even sharing data or otherwise coordinating. A third swing state GOP operative said he’s seen “no ground activity at all” and complained that the usual nuts and bolts canvassing work had been crowded out by “election integrity” bullshit. “They’re really only focused on recruiting folks to volunteer to be poll watchers,” the person said. “I mean, they do a lot of that shit. But what’s the point of watching the vote if you haven’t turned out the vote?”

Even the RNC’s feckless former figurehead herself, Ronna Not-Romney McDaniel, is in on the panicking, per Semafor, who unfortunately don’t have a direct or indirect quote from that moron. It’ll be hilarious if Trump loses but they find some way to blame her for having sabotaged them.

“There is a danger of life-threatening storm surge for portions of the Upper Texas and Louisiana coastlines where a Storm Surge Warning is in effect. Residents in the warning area should follow advice, including evacuation orders, given by local officials. Damaging and life-threatening hurricane-force winds are expected in portions of southern Louisiana Wednesday, where a Hurricane Warning is in effect. Preparations to protect life and property should be complete by tonight, since tropical storm conditions are expected to begin within this area early Wednesday.”

“Francine is expected to bring heavy rainfall and the risk of considerable flash flooding for much of Louisiana and Mississippi through Thursday. Flash and urban flooding is probable across portions of northeast Mexico and far southern Texas into early Wednesday, and the Mid-South Wednesday night into Friday morning,” says a National Hurricane Center bulletin as the storm intensifies.

There’s no estimate yet of actual strength of the storm when (not if) it hits the Gulf coast, but it does not at this point seem as if this will be an apocalyptic deluge on the scale of Katrina.

Fox and Friends host Brian Kilmeade on Tuesday seemed more than just a wee bit apprehensive of how the debate’s going to go for his Orange Allah, rattling off some very exacting specifications for the content of the moderators’ questions as too much abortion and not enough economy would mean ABC is trying to keep up the “perfect score” of pro-Harris coverage that he assumes the viewers are already encyclopedically familiar with (they probably are, let’s be honest).

Jesus Dork House Speaker Mike Johnson’s plan to force a vote on the stupid SAVE Act – banning non-citizens from voting in federal elections, which is already illegal – by attaching it to a continuing resolution to fund the government steadily imploded Monday into Tuesday, as Punchbowl reports that the right wingers normally on board with “election integrity” performance theater are very much opposed to having to pass repeated stopgap bills to keep the government’s lights on.

Former Heritage Foundation gauleiter Paul Dans, who was (likely temporarily) forced out of his post at the fascist think tank in July on the orders of Trump campaign minions Susie Wiles and Chris LaCivita, tells the New York Times that the two have committed “malpractice” by trying to distance the convicted felon former president from the plot to end American democracy and that Trump’s chances are in doubt because of their mismanagement. “Trump should be running like Secretariat at the Belmont, but instead it’s a race to the wire,” Dans said, urging Trump to fire the duo.

Dans said he was “blindsided” by Donald’s Truth Social posts falsely trying to disown Project 2025, saying it was all LaCivita and Wiles spewing “RINO” venom in to the fat bastard’s ear. “They took the bait,” Dans continued, pointing to LaCivita’s comments at the RNC in July, where he called Project 2025 a “pain in the ass” and said that the people behind it “do not speak for the campaign.”

Irrespective of the Project 2025 drama, Dans specifically called the pair out for accepting Joe Biden’s debate challenge in May, setting in motion the events that led to Trump facing Vice President Kamala Harris on ABC in 13 hours and 35 minutes. “They pushed Biden off the stage and they had no plans for Harris,” Dans said. “That is on par with historic campaign malpractice.” Dans further worried that Trump’s campaign is in danger of losing support from his fellow fascist apparatchiks. “Who is going to work the polls? Who is going to fight for you? There’s no transition without winning and there’s no winning without those loyalists putting their boots on the ground.”

Seems like Team Harris is taking a page out of the Lincoln Project’s standard operating manual on how to play to an audience of one, as the above ad will be running nationally on Fox News and in the Palm Beach media market starting this morning, unsubtle dick joke from the 44th president and all.

A new national survey of registered voters by Marist College/NPR/PBS News finds Vice President Kamala Harris ahead of convicted felon former President Trump 49 to 48 percent in a full field of Russian-backed third-party candidates, a lead that rises to 51 to 48 percent among likely voters.

In favorability ratings Harris is 1 percent in the black at 47 to 46 favorable/unfavorable while Trump is 5 points underwater at 45 percent favorable to 50 unfavorable, while 52 percent of respondents think Harris, not Trump (47 percent), is the candidate who represents change. Identical shares believe Harris (52 percent) is more likely than Trump (47 percent) to care about regular Americans.

“Leon” Musk’s SpaceX on Tuesday successfully launched its first ever spacewalk mission, dubbed “Polaris Dawn” the rocket lifting off at 5:23 AM EDT from Cape Canaveral in Florida, CNN reports.

The mission, crewed by billionaire Jared Isaacman, former US Air Force pilot Scott “Kidd” Poteet, and SpaceX engineers Anna Menon and Sarah Gillis, is pretty fucking risky. To accomplish the spacewalk, the inside of the vessel will be exposed to vacuum – there’s not airlock on the Crew Dragon – a potential threat to oxygen supplies and possibly causing leaks of hazardous chemicals from the equipment within – if they can even lock the hatch again. There’s also the possibility that weather early next week may delay the return, and there’s only enough air for about seven days.

So yeah, good luck to these folks willingly putting their lives in the hands of a company run by a ketamine-brained maniac who thinks Haitian migrants are stealing cats and eating them.

Right wing radio host dickwad Hugh Hewitt’s Tuesday morning column at Fox News is more of the usual “expectations management” from MAGA world ahead of the big show in Philadelphia – which is to say he’s not at all managing expectations but simply pre-blaming ABC News’s moderating team of David Muir and Linsey Davis just in case it all goes to shit for his Orange Lord and Savior:

First off it’s “Bud Light” not “Bud Lite.” Second off what the fuck? Lol. Aren’t we in like nearly a decade into a MAGA jihad against Disney for being “woke” and full of “groomers” who would dare protest a draconian anti-LGBT law in Florida, cast a Black actress as the Little Mermaid, put a lesbian couple in the Buzz Lightyear movie, fired an actress from Star Wars: The Mandalorian for comparing Trump fans to Jewish victims of the Holocaust, and all sorts of other perceived affronts against conservatives large and small in between? What the hell is a “rigged” debate going to do to the relationship between Disney and the MAGA aggrieved that hasn’t already been done?

Wildlife officials in Colorado on Monday said their wolf reintroduction program has not exactly been a success since the Oregon-native canines they relocated to the area have been a bit of a problem for area cattle and sheep, and they’re going to need to relocate them again, the AP reports.

“It was a very, very unique situation right out of the gate and it demanded a unique response and part of that is making sure the pups in particular have a second chance in the wild,” Colorado Parks and Wildlife Director Jeff Davis said at a Monday news conference on the Copper Creek area wolfpack’s upcoming move to some part of the state where there aren’t so many farm animals.

North Korea’s petulant, porcine corpulent despot Kim Jong-un vowed that his poverty-ridden country will make his nuclear force “fully ready for combat” as defense analysts say his military may test launch of a new missiles that could threaten the West Coast, Politico reports, and of course, the tests would happen just before the US election in November in an attempt to boost his self-proclaimed lover Donald Trump.

Kim promised North Korea would “redouble its measures and efforts to make all the armed forces of the state including the nuclear force fully ready for combat.”  He’s having a temper tantrum after the United States and South Korea signed an agreement to augment South Korean defenses with US nuclear forces if it becomes necessary to defend against a threatened North Korean nuclear attack.

“We had $1.89 gas under Donald Trump.  It cost me $130 to fill up my SUV two days ago,” anchor baby Eric Trump whines.  “People can’t afford life anymore […]”

We’d like to remind our learned audience that the Trump Administration achieved cheap gas prices by tanking the entire national economy during the pandemic to the point that demand for gas was so how [“How low was it?”]… It was so low producers were paying customers to take oil, resulting in negative oil prices.

In Rachel Maddow’s new documentary, “From Russia With Lev” which will premiere Friday, hair dye drip model Rudy Giuliani’s pal Lev Parnas sits down with Hunter Biden–literally face to face in the same room–and admits that he got records from disgraced journalist John Solomon, who reportedly got them from FBI agents who secretly subpoenaed them during the Trump administration.

After Hunter noted that his bank records weren’t on a computer, Parnas explains, “I got an e-mail from John Solomon that said that his friend at the FBI got your records.  I don’t know where, how, what.”  Putting it together, Hunter details, “So the FBI got my records under a secret subpoena under the Trump Administration and then handed the to John Solomon and then Rudy Giuliani re-circulates the back into the DOJ and onto me.”

According to a clip shown on Maddow’s MSNBC show, Parnas says, “John Solomon, him and Sean Hannity and Fox had a whole system” to obtain, promote and disseminate dirt on Democrats.

Like Sisyphus and the rock, Democrats continue to try to sprout a modicum of ethics on the Supreme Court, this time after an e-mail from Justice Clarence Thomas’s wife, Ginni, to a conservative “religious liberty” astroturf group praising the organization’s recent efforts to block ethics requirements, ABC News reports.

“YOU GUYS HAVE FILLED THE SAILS OF MANY JUDGES. CAN I JUST TELL YOU, THANK YOU SO, SO, SO MUCH,” Ginni Thomas reportedly wrote in an e-mail to First Liberty Institute’s leadership after the group moved to block potential ethics enforcement for the Court.

“The reported comments by Ginni Thomas are deeply problematic,” Senate Judiciary Committee Chair Dick Durbin said in a statement. “She’s testified before Congress that she and Justice Thomas do not discuss each other’s work. That defense now rings hollow. Whether she’s inflating her knowledge of judges’ views on ethics reform or telling the truth, her apparent comments on behalf of judicial officers create a clear appearance of impropriety for Justice Thomas.”

For obvious reasons, the pre-game coverage of Tuesday night’s showdown between Vice President Kamala Harris and convicted felon former President Trump has reached a saturation point, almost to the level where you’d think it was the election itself. In some ways it might as well be the election itself given the potential impact. That by now it’s rote to point out that the last debate was so significant that it led to a change of candidate for the Dems does not make it any less true.

The reporting ahead of it hasn’t been terribly interesting however. Above you see Trump claiming it’s going to be rigged because that’s what he always does as a fallback option, and per usual it’s a weak premise from asshole propagandist John Solomon. The “scoopy” stuff isn’t all that electrifying either: We’ve got Axios picking up that Trump’s campaign manager Chris LaCivita told the House GOP to expect a “fine” performance from the Orange God Emperor. That could mean “meh” but we don’t know because the report didn’t elaborate further. “I think – I pray – he can be disciplined,” said Republican strategist Trish McLaughlin to Politico in a story printed Saturday. The Guardian on Monday reported that Team Orange know everything rides on whether they get “happy Trump” or “angry Trump.” Their August 29th story from inside Mar-a-Lago was better. A Trump minion told the New York Times that they’re worried that if Donald tries to stay on his best behavior then he could overdo it and come across as “low energy.” In the same piece Donald also told his minions “I’m not going to let her do to me what she did to Mike,” as in Mike Pence. The fat bastard also came pretty close to dropping out, but “concluded that the downsides of skipping the debate – especially the appearance of weakness – outweighed his concerns about attending.” CNN reports Trump is going to zero in on “flip-flopping,” with one sycophant saying “We want to keep him steered toward hitting her record, that she is just as responsible for the Biden administration’s failed policies as Biden is.”