Unearthed audio: JD Vance says he agrees that “the whole purpose of the postmenopausal female” is to help raise grandchildren and that helping raise children is a “weird, unadvertised feature of marrying an Indian woman” pic.twitter.com/yCyZss7kNY

— Kamala HQ (@KamalaHQ) August 14, 2024

New developments in the Twatergate scandal as cops in Loudon County, Virginia have positively identified 39 year-old Toby Shane Kessler as the prime suspect in the break-in at a Trump campaign office in a strip mall in a suburban town 30 miles outside of Washington, DC, Politico reports.

Kessler is a drifter with no known address and a lengthy record of stupid, petty crimes like loitering and impersonation, making him the perfect foil for some huge Deep State plot or whatever.

Minnesota Governor Tim Walz on Wednesday accepted CBS News’s invite to a vice presidential debate on October 1st in New York City, tweeting “See you on October 1, JD.”

Convicted felon former President Trump’s campaign raised over $1 million during Monday night’s livestream with drug abuser billionaire Elon Musk, RealClearPolitics’ Phil Wegmann reports, adding “A million dollars is a million dollars, but not exactly a huge haul when you consider that Harris left a San Francisco fundraiser with $12 million earlier this week.” Wegmann, who might be an alright guy stuck with a shitty right wing outfit, could have kept going further with such context, like the fact that Elon Musk claimed 78 million people watched/listened to their lengthy cyber-circlejerk. While we have no way of knowing whether or not that’s accurate, we have to assume it was a significant enough fraction of that, maybe in the 10 to 20 million range. Which makes $1 million pretty pathetic.

Then there’s these guys, the one in the top left box Benny Johnson, among the most ballsuckery of all the Trump fanatics on the MAGA internet, nodding along and agreeing while one of his co-hosts seems almost resigned over their Orange Messiah’s extremely light campaign schedule these days.

A Republican West Virginia state senator couldn’t keep it in his pants earlier this month, finding himself in big trouble for spanking it after employees at Konnie’s Kastle in Moundsville observed him masturbating in front of a slot machine on surveillance camera, WV Metro News reports

“At around 12:30 pm (Aug 4) Glen Dale police received a call from two female employees of a local gaming establishment of a male in the video lottery room sexually gratifying himself,” Marshall County Prosecutor Joe Canestraro told WV Metro on Wednesday, adding that cops had responded to the scene and removed Maroney, but waited until this week to arrest him on the indecent charge.

State Senate President Craig Blair on Wednesday dropped the gavel. “To give [Maroney] appropriate time to dedicate to his personal issues, I have removed him as Chairman of the Senate Committee on Health and Human Resources and have relieved him of all other committee responsibilities.”

A new Quinnipiac University survey of likely voters in Pennsylvania finds Vice President Kamala Harris leading convicted felon former President Trump 48 to 45 percent in a full six candidate field and also finds Harris just 2 percent underwater on favorability to Trump at negative 9 percent.

Incumbent Dem Senator Bob Casey leads hedge fund dickbag Dave McCormick 52 to 44 percent.

The World Health Organization on Wednesday declared another global health emergency over an outbreak of monkeypox in the Democratic Republic of the Congo and neighboring countries in Sub-Saharan Africa, calling it a “public health emergency of international concern,” Reuters reports.

Yes, it’s supposed to be “mpox” but we have our limits on abiding wienery politically correctness for wienery politically correctness’s sake, especially after that time the WHO pussied out of using the Greek letter “Xi” to label a strain of COVID-19. Anyway the DRC’s health officials have logged 17,000 cases and over 500 deaths from the monkeypox this year, so it’s time to spank it hard.

New York City was visited again by an old friend from Canada on Wednesday as smoke from wildfires in our northern neighbor drifted into town once again, Staten Island Live reports.

Though the smoky conditions are expected to persist for the next few days, forecasters say it won’t be remotely on the scale of early June 2023, when it looked like Mars outside and at points smelled like a fucking bonfire was in New Yorkers’ living rooms. “It won’t be anything like that,” said New Jersey meteorologist Steve DiMartino. “Last year we had a persistent northerly wind, or north-westerly wind, in place for much of the summer “So our northerly wind component is back. As a result, we’re getting this transport from the Canadian forest fires… into our region.”

Yeah, he’s still on this “AI crowds” thing. Of course this was the last question he answered.

House Oversight Chairbilly James Comer on Wednesday announced that he’s opening an investigation into Google for allegedly suppressing search results about last month’s failed assassination attempt on convicted felon former President Trump in Pennsylvania, lol.

“United States Attorney Jacqueline C Romero announced that Philip C Pulley, 62, of Huntington Valley, Pennsylvania, was charged by information with falsely registering to vote, double voting, and election fraud. The information charges that in 2018, while registered to vote in Montgomery County, Pennsylvania, defendant Pulley also registered to vote in Broward County, Florida.”

“In 2020, defendant Pulley, who was already registered to vote in Montgomery County and Broward County, allegedly registered to vote in Philadelphia County, Pennsylvania, using a false home address in Philadelphia and social security number. In the 2020 general election, which included the election for President and Vice President of the United States, it is alleged that Pulley requested a mail-in ballot to vote in Philadelphia, and voted in both Broward County and Montgomery County. In the 2022 general election, which included the election for United States Senator, Pulley allegedly voted in both Montgomery and Philadelphia Counties,” says a Justice Department press release.

It doesn’t say that he’s a Republican. That we had to look up on VoterRecords.com to satisfy our confirmation biases. And boy were they satisfied. See the link? “Party Affiliation: Republican Party.”

“Democrats’ enthusiasm has skyrocketed since they swapped their presidential nominee. The latest national Monmouth University Poll finds voter support for Vice President Kamala Harris slightly higher than it was for President Joe Biden, while the number who back former President Donald Trump has remained steady. Harris has higher favorability ratings than either Trump or Biden, which means there has been in a decline in the number of double haters, that is voters who dislike both nominees. Harris also has a clear advantage over Trump in being seen as having the necessary stamina for the job and matches or slightly edges her Republican opponent on understanding people’s concerns, representing American values, and bringing about change.”

“A huge shift in enthusiasm is the most vivid finding in the poll. While the number of voters who were at least somewhat enthusiastic about the Trump versus Biden rematch had been increasing throughout the year, it never topped 50 percent. Now that the contest is Trump versus Harris, voter enthusiasm has risen to 68 percent. The biggest jump has been among Democrats (from 46 percent in June to 85 percent now), but there has also been a notable increase in enthusiasm among independents (from 34 percent to 53 percent). Among Republicans, enthusiasm for the Trump-Harris contest (71 percent) is identical to what it was for the Trump-Biden rematch in June (71 percent),” says Monmouth University in a press release on their national survey.

They also found Harris leading Trump 48 to 43 percent in the head-to-head matchup, that five point delta remains intact when RFK Jr and the other third party assclowns are included in the field.

…his team have set another one for Thursday afternoon, this time at his club in Bedminster, New Jersey. Not that long of a drive from Manhattan and thus accessible to more real reporters.

“Judge Merchant just ruled that I, the Republican candidate for President, and leading in the Polls, am still under a Gag Order CONCERNING VERY IMPORTANT THINGS WHICH MUST BE BROUGHT TO LIGHT. I AM NOT ALLOWED TO ANSWER REPORTERS QUESTIONS. Can you believe this? The New York Courts refuse to act. This is happening right before the voting begins on September 6.”

“Suppression and manipulation of the vote. Voter interference. This is the real Fascist ‘stuff,’ the old Soviet Union! So much to say, and not allowed to say it. Must get US Supreme Court involved. New York is trying to steal the Election!” posted convicted felon former President Trump on Wednesday, complaining that Merchan (not “Merchant,” you fat fucking idiot) won’t recuse or lift his gag order.

The Orange Slob also posted “Wow! Google and the Harris Campaign are manipulating stories. Is this legal???” and “Google trying to rig the Election!” because on Tuesday Axios reported that Team Harris is buying up certain search results for news stories and making some edits to their headlines (but still linking to the articles). It’s kind of complex and zero chance Trump actually understands it, but it’s a very light shade of ethical grey. Certainly the kind of thing that you’d roll your eyes at and say “Of course they fucking would” but not get all that worked up over if it were the Trump campaign doing it. Probably why it’s making Trump upset that his minions didn’t think of it first.

Trump operative: The Heritage Foundation is uniquely positioned to implement Project 2025 because of how influential they are to Donald Trump. When Trump was president, he embraced two-thirds of the group’s policy ideas pic.twitter.com/mtSYyeh5kz

— Kamala HQ (@KamalaHQ) August 14, 2024

Separate reporting by CNN and Semafor reveals a Trump Reich having mixed but mostly bad feelings about their Orange Fuhrer’s performances of late. In Semafor’s telling, “despondent Republicans [are] breathing a collective (but tentative) sigh of relief after the two-plus hour discussion between two combustible figures failed to devolve into conspiracy theories about crowd sizes or accusations about Harris’ ethnic background.” Meaning they’re happy that the Monday “interview” with Elon Musk simply wasn’t the absolute shitshow the NABJ panel was.

But one anonymous minion outside the campaign said they’re still not convinced that “Trump is willing to adjust” and suggested instead the team elevate “fans and surrogates” to do the work for him. Another said Donald is working on it and thinks that PTSD is hurting him but he’ll get his act together soon. “It takes some time to calm down after you had a bullet in your head.”

CNN’s story paints a considerably darker picture, describing Trump’s supplicants as privately expressing to them “serious concerns that the former president’s recent inability to stay on message has wasted an early opportunity to blunt the momentum of his new opponent” with just days left before the DNC in Chicago, which was when the “honeymoon” was supposed to be over.

Vice President Kamala Harris and Minnesota Governor Tim Walz will hit the road in Pennsylvania on Sunday, making a multi-stop bus tour starting in Pittsburgh, CBS News’s Nidia Cavazos reports.

Holy shit. Once again, we’re very skeptical. Especially of this one – and on both ends. The 9 percent net lead gap between Arizona and Nevada is definitely off. Those two states are not the same but they’re not 9 points apart either. Same but less so with Georgia and North Carolina, as it’s extremely hard to see Harris winning NC by a bigger margin than GA, let alone win NC at all.

That movement from Biden in May though, just three weeks into Harris v Trump. And how much Bobby Jr is costing the fat bastard. The opinion findings get crueler as Cook writes Harris is “tied with Trump on topics where Trump has staked much of his candidacy like ‘makes you feel safer’ (46 percent Harris to 45 percent Trump) and ‘enforcing the rule of law’ (47 percent Harris to 46 percent Trump), and she leads Trump by four on who voters believe would be a ‘smart president.'”

“To me, the ‘feel safer’ number is the most notable in the poll,” said Patrick Toomey, partner at pollster BSG. “In many ways, we saw that concerns about Biden’s age and mental acuity were preventing him from effectively leveraging issues that should work to Democrats’ advantage, like abortion and health care. Now, we’re seeing how concerns about Trump’s erratic temperament and fixation on retribution are preventing him from converting relative strength on immigration, crime, the economy and foreign policy into making people feel safer with him in charge.”

Vice President Kamala Harris’s campaign on Wednesday announced they are not fucking around and have reserved $90 million in TV spots during “The Bachelorette,” “Big Brother,” “The Daily Show,” “Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta,” and “The Simpsons,” in markets across seven states, the AP reports.

The specifics of this New York Times report “Hunter Biden Sought State Department Help for Ukrainian Company” don’t actually matter. Well if you’re interested, there’s nothing even close to a smoking gun that would implicate Joe Biden. At best it’s just another pretty bad look for Hunter himself, that he had violated FARA and was lobbying for a foreign entity without being registered.

But you already know that in the alternate timeline where State of The Union Joe Biden showed up to the debate on June 27th and Kamala Harris had ran circles around Marco Rubio in the CBS Veep showdown that was originally scheduled for last night, James Comer would be lighting Twitter up with 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨, setting a hearing for the State Department staff Hunter had emailed, sending letters to then-Secretary of State John Kerry demanding he come testify, amplifying all the dipshit right wing “whistleblowers” suddenly coming out of the woodwork to alert the public about a culture of corruption in the Biden vice presidency, and booking himself for Hannity the next five nights in a row.

In this universe however we’ll probably get a tweet or two from Comer. Maybe a brief daytime hit on Fox News or Newsmax. Nothing even remotely on the scale of the saga surrounding those loser “IRS whistleblowers” and certainly not a moment of actual oversight work by his committee.

Comer’s too busy trying to launch a last minute probe of Kamala Harris’s time as “border czar.”