A former North Andover, Massachusetts cop shot and wounded by a co-worker while being served a restraining order at her home in June 2025 was acquitted of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon on Thursday after a four day bench trial, Boston 25 reports. Kelsey Fitzsimmons, 31, had just given birth weeks earlier when her firefighter now ex-fiancee had filed for a restarining order against her. When other North Andover cops showed up to serve the order Fitzsimmons had a pistol in her hand, prompting the one-way firefight that put Fitz in the hospital with a hole in her chest.

It’s not clear if Fitzsimmons is entitled to have her job back. Things might be awkward.

US District Judge Jane Boyle on Thursday tossed drug-addicted billionaire Elon Musk’s lawsuit against the World Federation of Advertisers that the asshole filed after brands began boycotting Twitter ad buys en masse following his 2022 acquisition of the platform, Reuters reports.

“The very nature of the alleged conspiracy does not state an antitrust claim, and the court therefore has no qualm dismissing with prejudice,” Boyle wrote in her order ending Elon’s revenge quest.

A new Carolina Journal survey of North Carolina voters finds Dem former Governor Roy Cooper leading lightweight former RNC chair Mike Whatley 49 to 41 percent in the Tar Heel State’s heated Senate race to replace disgruntled asshole not nearly RINO-enough quitter Thom Tillis.

“The US Department of State’s Rewards for Justice (RFJ) program is offering a reward of up to $3 million and potential relocation for information leading to the disruption of the financial mechanisms of Haitian gangs Viv Ansanm and Gran Grif, both of which the US government has designated as Foreign Terrorist Organizations (FTOs). Formed in September 2023, Viv Ansanm is an alliance established by the union of Haiti’s two main gang factions operating in Port-au-Prince, G-9 and G-Pép. Viv Ansanm members are responsible for an ongoing campaign of violence, including attacks against the government of Haiti, prison systems, police stations, hospitals, and the nation’s main airport in Port-au-Prince – organized terror that, among other political aims, forced the April 2024 resignation of Haiti’s then-Prime Minister Ariel Henry. Viv Ansanm is directly involved in the mass murder and collective rape of Haitian civilians, including violence against American citizens in Haiti.”

“The gangs leverage arms trafficking and use force recruitment, including of children, to maintain operational strength. Its main revenue comes from systematic extortion of fellow Haitians and kidnappings for ransom,” says a US State Department press release issued Wednesday.

So for those keeping score at home, if you’re a member of the gang and want $3 million and asylum in the US, you can just show up at the Embassy with printouts containing just enough real information about their offshore accounts, Binance crypto holdings, and so on, get paid $3 million and likely a decent enough house somewhere in the US. If you’re a victim of the gang’s extortion rackets and your brother was kidnapped and killed by them because you couldn’t afford to pay up, you’re not eligible for asylum. Plus your cousin in Springfield, Ohio’s on track to getting deported on top of being falsely accused of eating the dogs, eating the cats, eating the pets, and so on.

The International Olympic Committee on Thursday decreed that “for all disciplines on the sports programme of an IOC event, including the Olympic Games and for both individual and team sports, eligibility for any female category is limited to biological females. Eligibility for the female category is to be determined in the first instance by SRY gene screening to detect the absence or presence of the SRY gene. Based on scientific evidence, the IOC considers that the presence of the SRY gene is fixed throughout life and represents highly accurate evidence that an athlete has experienced male sex development. Furthermore, the IOC considers that SRY gene screening via saliva, cheek swab or blood sample is unintrusive compared to other possible methods. Athletes who screen negative for the SRY gene permanently satisfy this policy’s eligibility criteria for competition in the female category. Unless there is reason to believe that a negative reading is in error, this will be a once-in-a-lifetime test,” not really coincidentally in advance of the 2028 Los Angeles summer games.

Should-be President Kamala Harris is ladening her schedule with appearances at no fewer than four Democratic Party fundraising events across the South over the next two months, CNN reports.

Just a few podcasters and other malcontents and America haters, these Hispanics are probably all on the Qatari payroll. https://t.co/9H002XM2nQ

— Michael Brendan Dougherty (@michaelbd) March 26, 2026

Fast-rising MAGA Twitter star and National Review columnist Michael Brandon Doghurgurtly, author of “My Father Left Me Ireland ” – which may or may not be about an accomplished but mentally ill violinist who cuts off his fingers and throws them at the door of his dim-witted former friend-turned-enemy – committed himself to an all-hands effort to ensure victory for Republicans in November’s midterm elections Thursday by posting pro-GOP content on the major social media platform.

The content, containing an indisputably pro-Republican message, appeared aimed at persuading undecided voters to vote for GOP candidates – and thus ensure comfortable victories for the party during a contest in which the majorities in both chambers of Congress, numerous statewide offices and legislative seats, and untold thousands of local offices are on the line. Doghurgurtly plainly recognizes that this is a team effort for all involved and is keenly aware that other MAGA social media users are listening and will help propagate his message to other undecided voters considered winnable for the party in the crucial contests this fall. In that sense you could say Doghurgurtly’s message and its impact are a microcosm of American democracy in and of itself: That some lead, others follow, and all in between decide together to win the consent of the governed.

Leo Blundo, a former elected commissioner and now Republican Party chairman of Nye County, Nevada, on Tuesday blasted the “political witch hunt” against him and vowed “to be very much like Trump in this. We’re going to fight, fight, fight 100 percent” following a hearing in which pleaded not guilty to stealing nearly half of $500,000 in loans and grants obtained from the federal government in emergency COVID relief funds for his restaurant during the 2020 pandemic, 8 News now reports.

Federal prosecutors, working under Israeli immigrant “Stop the Steal” asshole and 2022 state attorney general election loser-turned-non-Senate confirmed Sigal Chattah, obtained the indictment alleging that Blundo had inflated revenue at his Italian restaurant, Carmelo’s Bistro in Pahrump, to obtain the more than half-million in relief funds and then promptly put $200,000 of it in investment accounts and another $25,000 into crypto. It’s not his first scrape specific to the relief money either as in 2020 the sheriff had cuffed him on probable cause, though the Nevada Attorney General’s office ended up declining to seek charges. Blundo was later fined $4,500 by an ethics panel.

“COVID, you had the Biden administration, you had Steve Sisolak as governor,” Blundo told reporters outside the courthouse, referring to the Democrat unseated by current Republican Governor Joe Lombardo in 2022. “Our friends over at Nye County, everybody had the government heel on the boot, right here, right on the throat of small businesses,” Blundo continued, directing his rage at the two Democrats who are no longer in office and had nothing whatsoever to do with the charges – for which he faces up to 120 years in federal prison. Charges that never would’ve been brought in the first place if Blundo was considered important enough to merit his Holy Orange Allah’s attention and thus protection from the law. All it would’ve taken was a 45-second phone call before – or a pardon issued via Truth Social now – to end Blundo’s nightmare. The man’s pained squeaks of defiance invoke his god’s name and songs, salvation by his hand so effortless and yet Olympus answers not.

A 39 year-old Green Bay, Wisconsin man whose Facebook posts – such as “174,238 recorded deaths worldwide yesterday and all the democrats are upset about 1 Minnesota woman that died” from January 9th, 2026 – indicate he is MAGA, has decided to roll the dice at trial over a March 30, 2025 incident in which he was observed possibly masturbating through the pockets of his swim trunks in front of children playing at the Tundra Lodge’s resorts indoor water park, WFRV reports.

A Wednesday court appearance, initially scheduled to be a plea hearing for Robert Latimer, instead became a status conference, pushing back the next court date to September 28th, almost fully a year and a half after the incident in which Latimer claimed he was merely trying to unbunch the pockets of his trunks whilst visiting the water park alone and making the children uncomfortable.

Latimer faces up to 25 years in prison if convicted on all counts and sentenced to the max.

“When is ‘enough, enough’ for our Republican Senators. There comes a time when you must do what should have been done a long time ago, and something which the Lunatic Democrats will do on day one, if they ever get the chance. TERMINATE THE FILIBUSTER, and get our airports, and everything else, moving again. Also, add the complete, all five items, SAVE AMERICA ACT items. Go for the Gold!!!” posted convicted felon President Trump on Thursday morning, one of several unhinged rants.

“The Iranian negotiators are very different and ‘strange.’ They are ‘begging’ us to make a deal, which they should be doing since they have been militarily obliterated, with zero chance of a comeback, and yet they publicly state that they are only ‘looking at our proposal.’ WRONG!!! They better get serious soon, before it is too late, because once that happens, there is NO TURNING BACK, and it won’t be pretty!” the fat bastard also wrote on his personal social media network.

Federal Housing Finance Aegency chief Bill “Fannie Man” Pulte on Wednesday tried again to get New York State Attorney General Letitia James prosecuted, this time with two separate criminal referrals – one to the US Attorney for Northern District of Illinois and the other to the Southern District of Florida – both of them even fucking lamer than the last failed attempt at “mortgage fraud” as the new one is “home insurance fraud,” CNN reports on some sweaty desperation.

“Mortgage applications decreased 10.5 percent from one week earlier, according to data from the Mortgage Bankers Association’s (MBA) Weekly Mortgage Applications Survey for the week ending March 20, 2026. The Market Composite Index, a measure of mortgage loan application volume, decreased 10.5 percent on a seasonally adjusted basis from one week earlier. On an unadjusted basis, the Index decreased 10 percent compared with the previous week. The Refinance Index decreased 15 percent from the previous week and was 52 percent higher than the same week one year ago. The seasonally adjusted Purchase Index decreased 5 percent from one week earlier.”

“The unadjusted Purchase Index decreased 5 percent compared with the previous week and was 5 percent higher than the same week one year ago. ‘The threat of higher-for-longer oil prices continued to keep Treasury yields elevated, and mortgage rates finished last week higher. The 30-year fixed rate rose to 6.43 percent, more than 30 basis points higher than at the end of February and at its highest level since October 2025,’ said Joel Kan, MBA’s Vice President and Deputy Chief Economist,” says a press release from the Mortgage Bankers Association on more #MAGA #winning.

Kristi Noem held a meeting with His Excellency President Irfaan Ali and Guyanese government officials to reaffirm the enduring U.S.-Guyana partnership. Their discussions focused on joint efforts to disrupt cartel and transnational criminal activity, strengthen border security,… pic.twitter.com/jywwSKSuNQ

— U.S. Embassy Guyana (@EmbassyGuyana) March 25, 2026

Yeah. This is as real as a pretty mainstream paper, the South China Morning Post, a Hong Kong-based English daily founded in 1903, says it is. Apparently the seven dogs, a German Shepherd, two Labradors, two Golden Retrievers, a Pekingese, and their leader, a Corgi, whom live with three neighboring owners in Jilin province were stolen by dog meat butchers, jumped off the back of the truck, and made the 10 mile-ish journey back home. Suppose it was bound to happen in real life sooner or later, but goddamn that truck detail, lol. Disney’s lawyers must be just feeling some sort of reflexive urge that they cannot satisfy because there’s nowhere to send the cease and desist.

Multiple independent sources confirmed this through photos and video. There’s even a clip of the German Shepherd limping – apparently sprained a paw when jumping off the truck – and the Corgi taking the lead in stopping the group and having them form a protective circle around the Shep on the side of a road, with the little Pekingese skittering around to find the right spot in the crowd.

The dogs were found by local volunteers and reunited with their owners last Thursday.

Drug-addicted billionaire Elon Musk’s offer to pay TSA workers at airports has been turned down by the White House, CBS News reports, citing sources that think there could be legal issues because of Musk’s contracts with the government (??) and because they think the shutdown will end soon, lol.