The crusading journalists at the Austin American-Statesman have blown the lid open on a hidden shadowy nationwide plot being devised by at least two of its largest corporations. Leaked menus obtained by reporters indicate that Starbucks will begin serving pumpkin spice-flavored beverages and snacks as early as this Thursday with Dunkin Donuts to follow on Wednesday the 28th.
Seriously the article’s sourcing from “leaks” or marketing materials makes it sound like it’s a grand jury investigation or secret military operation they’re learning about on background. Who the fuck likes pumpkin spice so much that they’re actually eagerly anticipating these rollouts?
The freaking article contains detailed knowledge of past patterns – “Like Starbucks, Dunkin’ Donuts also has yet to confirm a launch date for its pumpkin spice coffee. In past years, the coffee chain has offered its fall drinks slightly earlier than its competitor, Starbucks. In fact, just last year, customers could get pumpkin spice items as early as Aug 16th,” as if this is some kind of goddamn Mayan astronomical prophecy with cosmic implications and not shitty “autumn-themed” liquid sugar.