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The Promised Land

This could’ve been a TikTok embed but, there aren’t as many such triumphal vids dated November 6, 2024 as there were that day. True, the joyously beaming young lady who captioned her video “How do you sleep knowing that you will be able to afford to get married, build a house, start a family, and live in a safe country #Trump2025” was able to afford to get married, possibly because her now-husband wore jeans to the altar instead of renting a full tux to their nuptials in a threadbare, likely prefabricated church. So things sort of worked out for her and even though she hasn’t posted anything thanking the now-47th president for delivering her the blessed life she anticipated – let alone any TikTok video at all since October of 2025, you could maybe sorta take the non-deletion as a continued passive vote of support for the commander-in-chief and his policies.

But better safe than sorry. You never know when the other zoomer-aged female TikTok user who posted the above “Stayin Alive” video ripped to YouTube will delete it out of shame.

This one? Gone since National Zero screencapped it on January 30th of this year. A few days later a lefty user who goes by D.A.R.Y.L. 2.0 mocked her by citing her Orange God Emperor having said, live, “People that own their homes – we’re gonna keep them wealthy. We’re gonna keep those prices up. We’re not gonna destroy the value of their homes so that somebody who didn’t work very hard can buy a home.” The woman’s a 23-ish-year-old kids’ birthday party facepainter who also apparently recommends products to her nearly 34,000 followers on the platform and gets a commission on each one that’s sold. Her most recent such video, dated April 10, has six likes.

Still, that was a wonderful morning for her, dancing to the YMCA in her “Honey, I’m Home” t-shirt and bootleg Trump hair hat. She had that moment whilst National Zero readers, in their grief and rage, had their confusion over why the site’s very next headline after “Donald Trump elected 47th President of the United States” was “Raccoon falls through ceiling at LaGuardia Spirit Airlines gate.”

For those readers staring down a bleak four years, bleaker than 2017 though 2021, well they sure as shit aren’t deleting anything they haven’t already. Or, even more commonly, their low expectations have been exceeded in only one direction and they feel only the hollowest of vindications in knowing that clod purged her video of her dancing like a fucking idiot or seeing all the “Leopards Ate My Face” headlines like about that Quebecois dipshit in Florida with the motel. Or those fucking bro podcasters bitching about this or that Trump policy being not what they endorsed or voted for.

A lot of pixels have been spilled here about how this or that would’ve gone with Kamala Harris as president, but it’s not that often you get it from shitweasels like Senator Dave McCormick – the only one of six statewide GOP battleground candidates on the same ballot as Trump to actually win in 2024 and just barely so at that – telling CNBC on Friday to engage in a “thought experiment” and present “Iran would be so much more dangerous if she won” as his best defense for Trump’s decision to launch the war without so much as giving him and other elected Republicans a heads up:

No need to rehash the old “They were so much happier bitching about Joe Biden than they are defending Trump,” especially when that’s what this finance industry twatwaffle (currently on an indefinite special assignment to the United States Senate) is saying in not so few words. That a 2024 election counterfactual is what a millionaire hedge fund executive had on him in that moment to argue that the current reality really isn’t so bad might just be a reliable barometer reading itself.

However there’s a different counterfactual that has been absent from all this freaking mess, one that hinges not on the outcome of November 5, 2024, but how things went after January 20, 2025. The one that all those innocently feckless TikTokers and all the other voters thought the future lay in.

There’s the “ASMR” vibe of the above January 20, 2025 video promo for the next four years, the urge to stand up and salute at attention the MAGA TikTok kids no doubt felt. Of course they were following to the natural conclusion a completely unrealistic trickledown workflow: Trump is president again, therefore everything will be cheaper, therefore America will be more prosperous, therefore criminals will scream “OH NO! TRUMP IS BACK! WE’RE SO FUCKED!” throw down their crowbars and surrender peacefully at the nearest police station, therefore we get the social media FOMO showcase wedding and the beautiful house with a Playstation 5 Pro and an Xbox Series X and a lemon basil scent diffuser and the $1,000 Lego Death Star that Brayden bought out of all the money he won on Draft Kings that was supposed go toward buying me a pink Cybertruck to match his but who cares because he’ll win more, therefore I just HAVE to post how excited I am…

But that sentence was as long as the reality of 2017 through early 2020 is cold: Those years really were pretty prosperous. You can scream all you want until you’re blue in the face that Trump fucked up his final year and brought us as close to another civil was as we’ve ever been since 1865, Mr and Mrs Wears Jeans To Their Fucking Wedding and Ms Quietly Delete My Trump Won Celebratory Video In 2026 Because I’m Still Broke gave him a pass on that because of those first three years.

Gas really was reasonable, inflation was a distant memory to those who had lived through it in the 1970s and 80s, stocks really were soaring to new highs, shitty content mills could print headlines like the above with a straight face, insufferable boomers really could write “The economy is booming and even the NY Times is saying it is a great time to be an American. How do you vote democrats back in with all of that? The only thing they have to offer is socialism and hate,” under that article and others covering the usual corruption and malevolence. Who can honestly say Trump’s high crimes and misdemeanors had any perceptible effect on the day-to-day lives of those in the low-info middle? How were they ever supposed to give a shit about the Ukraine quid pro quo?

It’s that more or less direct continuation of the first three years of the Trump Maladministration picking up where it left off in early 2020 that no one has really thought of as a timeline here. The one where these TikTok kids are PROUDLY wearing their MAGA hats in public, the Dow is flirting with 60,000, unemployment at or below 4 percent, gas steadily with $2 a gallon, inflation not so much reversed but stabilized enough in absolutes and then paved over by wage growth (ostensibly the actual plan that Trump and his minions dumbed down to “TRUMP: LOW PRICES” on the campaign trail), and MS Now left spinning around in circles day after day after day by all the corruption.

That really was theoretically a possibility on that morning, that we could all be in same place now that we were in early 2018, ripping our hair out that Putin had “kompromat” in the form of a tape of Trump fondling himself while watching hookers pee on a hotel room bed in Moscow, while the old dregs of The Hill Disqus would drop by to paste in screenshots of CNBC bar charts of any and every positive economic indicator they could find. Then they’d switch it up and post ICE doing its job aggressively but professionally to rid America of the scourge of poor 20 year-old single male saps from Guatemala while leaving children and families largely alone. Trump’s approval would flirt with 50 percent in mainstream polls and Democrats would, if a few things broke the right way, have a decent enough shot of taking the House while Jon Ossoff would be six percent in the hole against Brian Kemp and Dems would be lucky to just hold the GOP to the current 53 – 47 GOP majority.

You’d hate politics and rightfully so. Maybe even just tune out for good, right? But $2.15/gallon gas, your portfolio statement turning to psychological Viagra, and not being so fucking pissed every time you come from Costco and looking at your receipt would at least take the edge off, wouldn’t it?

Sorry. You don’t have to admit it out loud, or in the comments, but who among those that voted for Hillary Clinton in 2016 can say that all the scandals and bullshit and embarrassments of 2017 through early 2020 truly ever really affected them personally during that stretch?

God bless George Conway but goddamn. Calling the Ukraine/Hunter Biden sandbag attempt worse than Watergate – true as it might’ve been in the political context – ignores the very wide dispositive delta between Richard Nixon and the Orange Tyrant: 1973 and 1974 were REALLY hard on the American consumer and would have been irrespective of whether those jackasses had been caught breaking into the DNC headquarters that night in June 1972. Year-over-year inflation rate rose from 1.4 percent on election day 1972 to 4.9 percent when Nixon resigned in August 1974, but the CPI was actually up to 12 percent. Oil went from $2.90 a barrel in November to $11.65 by January 1974, a spike that really accelerated in October of 1973, the same month Nixon fired special prosecutor Archibald Cox. All the Nixon invocations used to illustrate how America’s political culture changed, how Congressional Republicans turned on their president when the truth became undeniable and a later generation refused to do the same (repeatedly), don’t do enough to consider that economic and political correlation just might’ve been causation and gas prices were what did Tricky Dick in.

That Watergate and the smoking gun tape and all that other shit might’ve just been the catalyst.

Which bridges us back to the present time in this reality, where nobody likes paying $4+ for a gallon of gasoline especially when they voted against the fat bastard who suckered those TikTok idiots into thinking it’d be $1.95 now. Where that fucking schmuck has to use the word “still” in a meme to pwn all his former Trump fan followers who now realize they got worked. Where the liberal candidate in this week’s Wisconsin state Supreme Court election doubled the 10 percent margin that the liberal candidate won with last year (Hilariously Dem voter turnout dropped by a third, showing that at least some of last year’s win was directly motivated by Elon Musk hate). Where Dems are now at 54 percent chance to take the Senate on Polymarket – up 20 percent since January in a scam operation that in 2024 was the word of God himself to the fanboys, so 54 might even be lowballing it.

Now here’s a thought experiment for Dave McCormick and his ilk: Treat a wholly fresh, new, and very bad Trump crime as a given, because it’s as certain as the day is long that he will commit one. Something surfaced by the media in June or July, something that would’ve been “LOL, who cares, libtards” at a 49-percent-ish approval rating in 2018 but is actually a serious problem that low-info people are suddenly more interested in when they’re already pretty pissed off over inflation.

A day when “The Dow is 50,000” in response to a question about how the Epstein files were handled sounds less like a flex more like “Trump is a threat to democracy” in response to a question about egg prices. Is Dave McCormick going to want to do a CNBC hit that day, when the chyron says Trump is a criminal and the tickers say he sucks at managing the American economy too?

How about a TikTok video where he pledges to all the zoomers on the platform that they’ll be able to afford a house and get married as long as they show up and vote to keep the GOP in the majority?

He should promise them that, at least. Might help cheer them up after they got fucked over so badly.

Created by potrace 1.16, written by Peter Selinger 2001-2019

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