The long anticipated launch of 5G cellular service from AT&T and Verizon came and went Wednesday without any sort of massive outbreak of violence from Americans vaccinated from COVID-19. Many conspiracy enthusiasts had predicted the activation of the networks would immediately activate the luciferase nanobots embedded in the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines that would convert the flesh and bones of the vaccinated into glowing orange or blue (depending on which vaccine it was) robo-skeletal zombies with bright, soulless eyes and inhuman strength.
These terrifying neon robo-zombies would then savagely attack all unvaccinated Americans and tear them apart limb from limb. Sources differ on the next phase of the plan, with some saying the zombies would then begin construction of a 10 kilometer tall obelisk-shaped obsidian fortress for their master George Soros, and others claiming the fortress would be more pyramid-shaped.