From her humble beginnings as a kid who started a nationally publicized letter-writing campaign to get a dish soap brand to change a sexist TV commercial that said “Women across America are switching to blah blah blah soap” to “People across America are switching to blah blah blah soap,” to acting on some USA Network show that nobody watched, to securing an iron grip on the affections of Prince Harry, few Americans around today have so quintessentially embodied our nation’s hustle and can-do spirit quite like the now Duchess of Something, Meghan Markle.

Now’s her chance to take it to the next level, and plant Old Glory in its place over the Union Jack, securing the Crown for America once and for all. First, while the rest of the Royal Family are distracted, Markle needs to steal the Britannia Regnum ring from Elizabeth’s bedside table, and tell Prince Charles that she needs to step out for a minute as she just got a very important email from one of her old co-stars on that USA Network show about recording a commentary track for a new special edition DVD and Blu-Ray box set of the entire series hitting stores this fall.

Next, she’ll need to disguise herself as a cocaine dealer to sneak into Parliament. The cops won’t let her in without the cocaine so she’ll have to pick up a kilo or two on her way to London… AND OH SHIT THE QUEEN IS DEAD. GODDAMMIT THIS TOOK TOO LONG TO WRITE.