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Cops in Peru have arrested local weirdo Julio Cesar and given the country’s culture ministry an 800 year-old Incan mummy Cesar had been hauling around in a thermal food delivery bag bearing the logo of a South American DoorDash or GrubHub knockoff called “Pedidos Ya,” NBC News reports.

“It sleeps in my bedroom, with me. There’s my bed, the TV set and next to it, there’s Juanita. I take care of it. It’s like, if you’ll pardon the expression, as if it were my spiritual girlfriend,” Cesar told local outlet Noticias Sin Filtro Puno TV about the mummy. Scans by the culture ministry revealed that “Juanita,” who Cesar said had been in his family’s possession for generations, was actually a male.

It is unclear what kind of horrific supernatural torment is in store for Cesar as punishment for his disrespect and misgendering of a ritually interred ancient Incan or if it can act fast enough before some other inmate in the notoriously savage Peruvian prison system does the job first.

A new US intel report examining the “Havana Syndrome” concluded that the mysterious symptoms experienced by American personnel in Cuba and other places overseas were not likely the result of some exotic energy weapon being wielded by a foreign adversary, the Washington Post reports.

Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner told the Houston Chronicle Wednesday that sources in the state legislature told him the Texas Education Department will take over the city’s school system as early as next week, allegedly to correct underperformance but who the hell knows with these assholes.

“I’m talking to legislators, and what they’re saying to me is that the state intends to takeover the district, replacing the entire board, replacing the superintendent, and I find that totally alarming. HISD has 273 schools. How do you come in and take over the largest school district in Texas and do it successfully?” said Turner as he warned of the coming clusterfuck.

Attorney General Merrick Garland on Wednesday faces actual questions from Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee and 25 second long attempts by Republicans to get free airtime on Fox News in a hearing on an array of topics concerning recent actions taken by the Justice Department.

US Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg should resign now that Greek Transport Minister Kostas Karamanlis did following early Wednesday’s deadly head-on collision in the country’s Vale of Tempe region which killed at least 36 people. Why? Because two completely different rail accidents happened and one country’s top transportation official resigned afterward and the other one – Pete Buttigieg – didn’t. That’s why. There’s no reason patriotic Americans should have to stand a gay Ivy Leaguer remaining on the job after a freight train derailed on its own in eastern Ohio, killing 0 people, if the other guy quits after a grisly head-on collision killed dozens of passengers.

Buttigieg should’ve resigned after he cited factual evidence that the overpasses on early 20th century highways on Long Island were designed specifically to prevent buses full of inner-city minority children from visiting state parks. That was wrong enough of him and now he extra needs to resign because the Greek Transport Minister did immediately after a different rail accident in his country. There’s no reason the deaths of at least 36 innocent people shouldn’t be used as a serious argument to call on Buttigieg to quit – on top of his wokeism. It’d be political malpractice not to do it.

National Zero will resume our regular news coverage now that we’ve done our MAGA readers a favor and written their talking points for them. We expect sincere gratitude for the effort.

A new Wednesday piece in the Washington Post reveals the internal friction between the FBI and Justice Department in the lead-up to the raid to recover classified documents fat former President Trump had stolen from the White House after his humiliating defeat in the 2020 election. The Post reports that a number of FBI agents had argued in June that Donald had already returned all the documents sought by a subpoena the prior month and that the investigation should be closed.

After prosecutors obtained evidence that wasn’t true, FBI agents were still hesitant to conduct a surprise search, fearing the MAGA blowback and potential damage to their careers after the 2017 shitshow with James Comey and “Crossfire Hurricane.” It was only after Trump’s lawyers refused to engage in negotiations on a voluntary search that a warrant was obtained and executed.

It’s obvious Trump has been filled in on what Rupert Murdoch said in his deposition in the Dominion lawsuit, otherwise the twice-impeached loser wouldn’t still be caterwauling about the miserable old bastard’s admissions that he knew full well Fox News hosts were lying about the 2020 election being “Rigged & Stollen.” Which makes it even more obvious that Donald is going out of his way to avoid addressing how Murdoch told Dominion’s lawyers Sean Hannity in particular was “privately disgusted” by Trump’s behavior in the weeks after the 2020 election. And there’s no way he could know about the Murdoch testimony but not the motion for summary judgment from Dominion which made Tucker, Hannity, Frau Ingraham, and others look “very disloyal” to the Orange God Emperor.

UPDATE 3/1/2023 4:47 PM EST: Trump deleted the post at some point on Wednesday morning to correct his shitty spelling of “stolen.” We’ve updated this article with the new post.

House Oversight Committee chair Congressman James Comer on Tuesday lamented in a podcast interview with batshit former Fox News host Lou Dobbs that Beau Biden was never prosecuted for some probably made-up campaign finance scandal before he died, the Daily Beast reports.

“This US attorney had had an opportunity to go after the Bidens years ago. In fact, it was Beau Biden, the president’s other son, that was involved in some campaign donations from a person that got indicted, as well as Joe Biden was involved in some of these campaign donations when he was a senator, and then when he ran for president against Obama. But nothing ever happened. So I don’t know much about this US attorney other than he’s had an opportunity to investigate the Bidens before and he chose not to. We all know that he’s just been silent for a long time,” said Comer, apparently upset that Beau Biden had escaped justice by dying of brain cancer.

Well isn’t it great to wake up, look through Twitter for a story, and find nothing because it’s fucking broken – and then be able to use that for a story? It’s awesome! Thanks Elon Musk!

A former member of the Ohio National Guard was sentenced to 71 months in federal prison for manufacturing ghost guns on a 3-D printer and selling them on the internet, along with kits to convert semi-automatic assault weapons to become automatic weapons, NBC News reports.

Twenty-five-year-old Thomas Develin also pleaded guilty to state charges of making terroristic threats after he make comments in a private chat group about planning attacks on Black and Jewish communities.  Develin worked as a security guard at a synagogue at the time he made the threats in which he said if a mass shooter showed up murdering people, he might join in.

I can remember way back in 2016, when the “fuck your feelings” crowd mocked safe spaces and trigger warnings as sissy things that only libruls needed to protect their precious feelings.  Well, welcome to 2023, when conservative politicians complain about not being interrupted by their pesky constituents who are angry about the politicians’ decisions.

And now, enter Marjorie Taylor Greene (Q-Ga.) and her plan to create a new confederacy of states that don’t have to follow the Constitution but will still benefit from the revenues generated by Blue states the *do* adhere to Constitutional laws.  “And we are fed up, we’re fed up with Democrat policies.  We’re fed up with the woke ideology being shoved down our throat, and we’re tired of our children being brainwashed into these same ideas,” the snowflake whines.  “Um, we want our own safe space and we deserve it and the federal government is so out of control, the debt is insane.  We need to take power away from the federal government and rein that entity back in an, and truly let the states have the power that they deserve.”

Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot has been eliminated in the nine-way first round vote as Paul Vallas and Brandon Johnson advance to the April runoff, Cook Political Report’s Dave Wasserman projects.

Forty years ago at this time, roughly a quarter of the country were sitting in front of their televisions at this very minute to watch the final episode of one of the most popular shows in American history, M*A*S*H:  the episode, “Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen” would become most-watched episode of a scripted show in the history of the country.  Only the Apollo moon landing, a number of Super Bowls, and Richard Nixon’s resignation speech would pull in more viewers.  By the end of the night, more than 105 million Americans–nearly 50% of the population of the country at the time–would watch the broadcast.

Monday, February 28th, 1983 will be the last time half of the country will be united in a single event that won’t involve a ball or a news event, where the audience is prepared to get their heartstrings pulled as–spoiler alert–the Korean War ends and the fictitious 4077th breaks up.  Undoubtedly, M*A*S*H was a landmark television series and a cultural touchstone.  The finale of the series after twelve years brought together viewers from the show’s history unified in their fandom.  No other series in American history did that.

Electricity ratepayers in Britain will be stuck with as much as £2.5 billion a year in extra costs from intermittent shutdowns of the country’s wind farms over the next few years – shutdowns required because the windmills work too well and the National Grid Electricity System Operator’s grid can’t handle the power load they generate on the windiest days, Sky News reports.

“It’s a huge risk. We’re wasting power instead of exporting it or using it and this is really cheap power that we’re wasting. And I would also say as an investment signal, it’s not great. If you think about a developer that wants to build wind farms in the UK, they know that it’s not easy to connect to the transmission system, they know there’s not enough capacity,” said renewable industry group RenewableUK policy director Ana Musat, which is a solid enough take, but we would’ve liked it even better if she characterized the problem as a “cancer” on the British electrical grid.

MUST WATCH: I’m at the Leesburg, FL mall outside of Books A Million for my pro-Trump rally with @Villagers4Trump, & @GovRonDeSantis & his staff ordered the police to make “anyone wearing a Trump shirt” or anyone with any “Trump gear” to leave!

Ron DeSantis is anti-free speech! pic.twitter.com/qAcJBQuHZ4

— Laura Loomer (@LauraLoomer) February 28, 2023

“On March 3, 2023, the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department will conduct a driving under the influence (DUI) checkpoint from 6 pm to 2 am at an undisclosed location. DUI checkpoint locations are determined based on data showing incidents of impaired driving-related crashes. The primary purpose of DUI checkpoints are to promote public safety by taking suspected impaired drivers off the road,” says a press release from the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department.

Now of course the Sheriff’s office could be thinking “Hah, just picture the looks on their drunk faces when those fuckers pull up at 2:23 AM and we’re still there at our undisclosed location!” but wouldn’t it be even more productive to just not give a time frame at all? Maybe just a general announcement that they’re setting up random checkpoints so don’t get behind the wheel if you’ve had a few?

During a Tuesday interview on Brian Kilmeade’s radio show, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis was again pretty weak and impotent in responding to attacks from disgraced former President Trump.

“It’s silly season. You know how some of this stuff goes, and obviously he does his thing and that’s kind of who he is. But, what I wanted to do was give an honest appraisal of how we got to this point, the failures of the DC Republican establishment and how Donald Trump was speaking to things that some of the old guard refused to address,” said DeSantis, who didn’t even call Trump fat.

The headline is quite literal as the Marion County, Florida Sheriff’s Office last week executed a search warrant at the home of registered Republican Charles Zittel of Ocala and found over 220,000 images of child pornography, together weighing 2,600 pounds, Fox 35 Orlando reports.

So actually it was more than a ton. Zittel was hit with 25 counts of felony possession of child pornography which kind of raises the question of how they come up with these counts. Like shouldn’t it be 220,000 counts or did they simply decide that 25 would be enough to put him away for life? That said, judging by the guy’s mugshot it looks like three years would be a life sentence.

Having taken their time for at least a few years on addressing the powerful deadly opioid in their already addiction ravaged state, the Republican-majority West Virginia state Senate on Tuesday passed a bill making it a felony to possess fentanyl as well as other illegal narcotics including heroin, cocaine, PCP, LSD, and methamphetamine, the Associated Press reports.

The bill also moves all drug possession cases from local magistrate courts to circuit courts, which have more resources to apply drug treatment and probation programs for defendants.

A new report by the Government Accountability Office found that the FBI and Capitol Police Department did not “fully process” or share critical info which could have prevented the assault by thousands of MAGA scumbags incited by Trump on January 6th, 2021, CBS News reports.