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Justice Department: “A criminal complaint was unsealed today charging Edward Kelley, 33, of Maryville, Tennessee, and Austin Carter, 26, of Knoxville, Tennessee, with conspiracy, retaliating against a federal official, interstate communication of a threat, and solicitation to commit a crime of violence. Kelley and Carter made their initial appearance in federal court today in Knoxville before U.S. Magistrate Judge Jill E. McCook. Both defendants have been detained. Carter has a detention hearing scheduled for Dec. 21. According to court documents, Kelley, who is facing charges in U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia related to his assault on a law enforcement officer during the breach of the Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, obtained a list of law enforcement personnel who participated in that criminal investigation. In conversations with a cooperating witness, Kelley and Carter discussed collecting information and plans to kill the individual law enforcement personnel on the list that included an attack on the FBI’s Knoxville, Tennessee Field Office.”

“After rigorously examining the photographs from the Juno probe’s flyby of Jupiter’s volcanic moon Io, our scientists and researchers have unanimously concluded that the images strongly suggesting the existence of at least one species of eusocial, possibly intelligent life forms capable of simple methods of agriculture and construction of small cities is indeed accurate. We can now confirm that there is life on other worlds, an historic discovery that will change our entire understanding of the universe and humanity’s place in it. We are not alone in this solar system and quite likely in the space beyond it,” said NASA Administrator Bill Nelson in a press release we completely made up.

Juno really is flying by Io this week, approaching the tiny hellish world as we speak, third of the three planned visits to the Galilean moons after Ganymede and Europa (the fourth Galilean moon, Callisto, apparently being deemed too lame to bother checking out). Next to Europa, Io is probably the most likely candidate for harboring extraterrestrial life in our solar system given its active volcanism caused by Jupiter’s gravitational pull. However there’s not going to be any announcement like the one above. All our “MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENTS” these days turn out to be moronic scams. If there ever is life found on Io it’s unlikely to be viewable with anything other than a microscope, requiring distant future astronauts to actually land there and collect rock samples.

Attorney General Merrick Garland has issued two memos that provide guidance to correct a decades-long disparity in how people convicted for crack cocaine possession were punished versus the sentencing of those carrying powder cocaine, NBC News reports.

Sentences for 500 grams of powder cocaine were equal to those issued to people carrying just 28 grams of crack: a five-year minimum.  A study by a non-partisan think tank found that in general, prison sentences for crack cocaine were general 18 to 100 times that of a similar amount of powder cocaine.

In one of the memos, Garland noted the disparity in sentencing guidelines that led to “higher penalties for crack cocaine offenses are not necessary to achieve (and actually undermine) our law enforcement priorities, as there are other tools more appropriately tailored to that end.”

I'm back!! Thank you @elonmusk and by the way MELT DOWN THE ELECTRONIC VOTING MACHINES AND TURN THEM INTO PRISON BARS!

— Mike Lindell (@realMikeLindell) December 16, 2022

Edgelord asshole Elon Musk is trying to raise more money for Twitter, Semafor reports. “Over recent weeks we’ve received numerous inbound requests to invest in Twitter. Accordingly, we are pleased to announce a follow-on equity offering for common shares at the original price and terms, targeting a year-end close,” said a memo sent out to investors. What a dick, lol.

Politico reports that the January 6th Select Committee will refer three charges against Donald Trump for his role in the organization and incitement of the group of Republican-led domestic terrorists who led the attack on Congress January 6th, as well as the ensuing coverup of various people’s involvement.

One of the charges will be insurrection (18 U.S.C. 2383), obstruction of an official proceeding (18 U.S.C. 1512(c)), and conspiracy to defraud the United States government (18 U.S.C. 371).

A committee referral for charges has no real weight in the Department of Justice’s decision to indict an individual, but it is a strong indication that the committee, which is comprised of a number of people with education and experience in legal and court proceedings, believes it has sufficient evidence on which to pursue charges.  The downside of a committee referral is that the potential for future charges will come with a cry of political influence from Trump supporters, but then any charges would because they think Trump is being politically persecuted, not being held responsible for his own actions.  Of course, the Department of Justice has been investigating Trump on its own for at least a year, so that point would be moot, and Special Counsel Jack Smith has been assembling a case with the information the DOJ already has in its possession.

Republican Georgia state Rep-elect Dan Rampey was arrested Thursday and charged with six counts of obtaining drugs by misrepresentation or theft, six counts of exploiting an elder or disabled adult, five counts of burglary, and one count of drug possession after he was caught entering a resident’s unit at the senior living complex he manages, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports.

Rampey was unopposed in the House District 119 race to succeed retiring state Representative Terry England, and won the GOP primary pretty easily earlier this year, which is pretty impressive if he was stoned the whole time on God knows what kind of pills he stole from old people.

“We had a couple of instances of him on video taking the items and today we had one as well. We actually filmed him going into the residence and taking the items,” said Barrow County Sheriff Jud Smith, describing the theft as very far from a one time thing. It’s not clear yet if Rampey will resign his seat or be denied the oath of office, but probably not because MAGA.

DC Federal Judge Beryl Howell on Friday unsealed several rulings she made earlier this year finding there was no valid attorney-client privilege claim regarding emails sent between Trump Justice Department coup plotter former Acting Assistant Attorney General Jeff Clark, his lieutenant Ken Klukowski, fascist MAGA lawyer John Eastman, and House Freedom Caucasians chair Congressman Scott Perry in the aftermath of Trump’s humiliating defeat in the 2020 election, Politico reports.

The two opinions, one in June concerning 37 emails prioritizing ones sent to and from Perry’s account and a second in September regarding Clark’s unpublished autobiography (lol) featuring how Donald came close to installing him as Acting Attorney General before being scared off with the threat of a mass exodus from the DOJ, were unsealed by Howell at the request of federal prosecutors. Politico legal reporter Kyle Cheney raises the interesting question of why they would want the rulings made public and not (at least at this point) the materials themselves, so we would probably do well to keep an eye on it to see what they’re going next with this.

Iga Paul, a two year Ugandan boy has made a full recovery after being hospitalized with minor injuries incurred when a hungry hungry hippo nearly swallowed him whole, CNN reports. Iga was about halfway down the fat fuck’s throat before a man who rushed to help was able smash it hard enough with a rock to get the hippo to spit Iga back out. “It took the bravery of a one Chrispas Bagonza, who was nearby, to save the victim after he stoned the hippo and scared it, causing it to release the victim from its mouth,” said a spokesperson for Uganda Police Force in a statement.

“Although the hippo was scared back into the lake, all residents near animal sanctuaries and habitats should know that wild animals are very dangerous,” the statement continued, not explaining why the cops didn’t come back and feed the son of a bitch 200 rounds of Kalashnikov kibble.

Capitol rioter Doug Jensen, famous for chasing USCP cop Eugene Goodman up a stairwell and for being caught violating his pretrial release conditions by watching the fucking Mike Lindell “Cyber Symposium” in his garage last year was sentenced Friday to five years in prison following his September conviction by a jury on all counts, CBS News’s Scott MacFarlane reports.

Jensen had been charged with five felony offenses: assaulting, resisting, or impeding a law enforcement officer, obstruction of an official proceeding, interfering with a law enforcement officer during a civil disorder, entering and remaining in a restricted building or grounds with a dangerous weapon, and disorderly and disruptive conduct in a restricted building or grounds with a dangerous weapon, and two misdemeanors of disorderly conduct in a Capitol building, and parading, demonstrating, or picketing in a Capitol building. The “Cyber Symposium” thing almost certainly didn’t help at sentencing. Jensen also apparently believed he had stormed into the White House, not the Capitol something that pretty neatly sums up the civic literacy of your average Trump fan.

Republican Texas State House member and Speaker candidate Tony Tinderholt last month hired self-described Christian nationalist and pro-state orphaning children who take their children to drag shows anti-LGBT activist Jake Neidert to serve as his legislative director, the Texas Tribune reports.

The Tribune is a top-notch publication and as such they don’t frame it with some implied benefit of the doubt like some in the both-sides-y mainstream media might have by writing something along the lines of “Republican Texas State House member and Speaker candidate Tony Tinderholt last month hired 22 year old right wing activist Jake Neidert to serve as his legislative director despite Neidert’s history of violent anti-LGBT rhetoric such as calling for the execution of parents who take their children to drag shows.” It’s not portrayed like it could be some kind of mistake by Tinderholt, because it isn’t. Tinderholt himself has called for the death penalty for abortion providers and patients, and the Tribune mentions that pretty much as soon as they can in the third paragraph making it plainly obvious to readers he fucking hired the guy because of the hateful shit he spews.

All 45,000 of the numbered .jpg files Donald Trump labeled “digital trading cards” sold out in 10 hours after the TeeVee reality star stated the offering in a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT that left people bewildered and/or laughing.

According to CNET, Trump raised $4.45 million by selling the pictures to his suckers depicting his life histories, Trump said, which apparently includes times when he was an astronaut, a military member, a football player and a superhero.  Those episodes in his life are not confirmed.

NFT INT, the company behind the grift, said none of the money raised by the sale will go to Trump’s political campaigns, meaning whatever cut Trump takes from this goes directly into his pocket, because a 2024 presidential candidate needs to be pitching photos dressed in a skintight leotard with fake abs.

News about arbitrary suspension of journalists on Twitter is worrying. EU’s Digital Services Act requires respect of media freedom and fundamental rights. This is reinforced under our #MediaFreedomAct. @elonmusk should be aware of that. There are red lines. And sanctions, soon.

— Věra Jourová (@VeraJourova) December 16, 2022

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi is willing to have her chamber take up the Senate’s unanimously-passed bill banning ChiCom malware app TikTok from government devices, Punchbowl reports.

The bill is kind of stupid, but we guess since it’ll probably pass by unanimous consent again and thus waste a few minutes at most then why not. And it’s not stupid because such a ban isn’t necessary, it’s stupid because we would have to believe every government agency would already have a policy against employees using their workplace-issued phones to download an app like TikTok just as they have against Candy Crush Saga, SnapChat, and other time-wasters. Again though, if it’s going to pass unanimously and quickly then why the hell not fire another warning shot at the ChiComs.

What’s funny here is it brings up yet another ridiculous failure by Trump who went completely apeshit on TikTok and tried to force its sale to an American tech company after the K-Pop kids infamously used it to encourage each other to request over a million tickets to his June 2020 Tulsa MAGA rally they had no intention of showing up for. The thing was that TikTok had a legitimate Treasury Department bullseye on its back for months before the rally fuckjob, one Donald had no interest in and probably didn’t even know about until after the app’s users humiliated him so badly that night. Then he started his stupid and ultimately failed jihad against TikTok, incompetently trying to force the sale rather than starting with a simpler, more incremental step like banning it from government devices and taking it from there. Now it’s Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden getting it done.

Officials in Berlin are blaming cold temperatures for the sudden destruction of an 82 foot tall cylindrical aquarium tank containing more than 1,400 tropical fish in the open-air atrium of a hotel at approximately 6 AM local time Friday, sending the doomed sea creatures and over a quarter million gallons spilling onto the surrounding streets, the Associated Press reports.

Two people suffered very minor injuries, a toll that would have been far worse had the tank waited another hour to explode. “Despite all the destruction, we were still very lucky. We would have had terrible human damage,” said Mayor Franziska Giffey, who described the burst as like a “tsunami.”

Five Louisiana law enforcement officers have been charged in connection with the death of Black man Ronald Greene, a motorist who was chased by police, run off the road and beaten to death while traveling on a state highway, the New York Times reports.

Police originally said Greene died after his car ran off the road and hit a tree in 2019; however, when he was taken to a hospital for treatment, attending medical staff reported injuries inconsistent with a traffic accident, such as puncture marks consistent with a Taser strike, something that would have been unnecessary if the man died in the traffic accident as officers described.

After a two-year legal case against local authorities, the Associated Press uncovered police body cam footage showing Greene emerging from the car wreck as a number of officer surrounded him, punching and kicking him.  He is heard saying, “I’m scared” before an officer puts him in a chokehold and he passes out. 

Unsuspend accounts who doxxed my exact location in real-time

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) December 16, 2022

The Senate passed the $847 billion National Defense Authorization Act by an 83-11 vote, sending the bill to President Joe Biden’s desk with a difficult choice to make, Politico reports.  While the act provides $45 billion more than Biden requested to deal with inflation and supply chain issues, it also revokes the mandate for members of the military to get the coronavirus vaccine, a moral victory for Republicans.

Although the military made no such objections and have a slew of other vaccines mandated, Republicans claimed the vaccines would force tens of thousands to leave the military and stifle recruit, which is already reeling because we don’t pay the military enough (the money goes to contractors) and we had disastrous manpower issues in our military because we were stuck in two wars for nearly two decades.

The accounts of CNN’s Donie O’Sullivan, the New York Times’ Ryan Mac, and the Washington Post’s Drew Harwell–all journalists who have written stories critical of Elon Musk–had their Twitter accounts suspended Thursday night, sending a chill down the media responsible for cover the once-richest man in the world who now controls a popular social media outlet.

According to CNN, the accounts for others, including Aaron Rupar, a journalist who posts clips of news talk programs, were also suspended.  Rupar told CNN he received no contact from Twitter before his account was taken offline.  A report made here earlier that the account for a similar poster, Acyn, was suspended was inaccurate; he was taking a well-deserved break.

Earlier in the day, Twitter suspended the account for upstart social media platform Mastadon after the account posted that people could use it to follow ElonJet, which tracks Musk’s travels and which Musk suspended, then unsuspended, then resuspended.

Journalists who cover Elon Musk have been suspended on Twitter tonight: @Donie O'Sullivan from CNN, Aaron Rupar and the Washington Post's @drewharwell.

Rupar tells me he has "no idea" why it happened.

— Ben Collins (@oneunderscore__) December 16, 2022

Also, @Acyn, another Twitter journalist who posts clips from broadcasters, hasn’t posted anything on his account for three hours, quite an unusually long period for him.

Accounts like @atrupar and @Acyn provide many of the videos from broadcasts we post here.  Other similar accounts, including Ron Filipkowski’s, appear to still operate as of 8:20 p.m. ET.

Update (8:20 p.m. ET):  Acyn’s account back online.