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“Full-size candy bars are the holy grail of Halloween. For many trick-or-treaters, they are seen as the ultimate bounty – a proper, grown-up Snickers or Milky Way with which to mock less-fortunate peers before engorgement. For those giving out the candy, they offer a not-so-subtle way to outdo the neighbors – Halloween as potlatch. The house with the full-size bars is the best house on the block.”

“Though tempting, the practice is wrong-headed. Giving out full-size candy bars misses the point of Halloween. Here’s why,” says the lede to an Atlantic piece by staff writer Ian Bogost, published in 2017 but for some reason given a reprint on the site Thursday, on Halloween 2024.

Bogost’s last three pieces were titled “A Defense of the Leaf Blower: Reassessing America’s most hated appliance,” “A Calculator’s Most Important Button Has Been Removed: This is clearly a mistake,” “Please Don’t Make Me Download Another App: Our phones are being overrun.”

It’s not clear if Bogost is doing this on purpose, like it’s all an act and the majority of readers are in on the joke. We’re going to lean toward no because he’s been writing this shit for a while – and it’s kind of the Atlantic’s entire brand outside of the unquestionably solid political analysis and other matters of actual import – and nobody seems to notice this grating “Here’s why” schtick.

Edgelord MAGA billionaire Elon Musk on Thursday made a bid to get the Philly DA’s case against him over the $1 million lottery scam moved to federal court, CNBC reports .

From 'deplorables' to 'Nazis' to 'garbage,' Democrats embrace insults, intolerance in the Trump era https://t.co/grKWFioe8V

— John Solomon (@jsolomonReports) October 31, 2024

Kicked off the 2024 ballot in the Keystone State, Russian asset Cornel West on Wednesday petitioned the US Supreme Court to force polling precincts in Pennsylvania to post signs advertising him as an option as a write-in candidate, USA Today reports on more temerity from this cocksucker.

The petition lists Philly lawyer Matthew Haverstick as the counsel of record and – hope you’re sitting down because you will be so not shocked it’s actually kind of shocking – Haverstick is also repping Elon Musk in DA Larry Krasner’s complaint over the $1 million lottery giveaway scam. It also appears he was an intervenor counsel sent by the RNC to defend Republican Westmoreland County Commissioner Doug Chew in a Dem lawsuit last month over the ridiculous rule that mail-in ballots have the date written on the outside of the envelope and whether missing dates could be cured.

The other guy, former Michigan Solicitor General John Bursch, is listed as “senior counsel and vice president of appellate advocacy with Alliance Defending Freedom” on their website. A look at the ADF’s Twitter page and who follows them – The Patriot Voice, Moms for Liberty, Karoline Leavitt, Jenna Ellis, Anthony Sabatini – tells us all we need to know about why he’s on Team Cornel too.

A new set of swing state surveys from UMass-Lowell and YouGov finds Vice President Kamala Harris leading convicted felon former President Trump 49 to 45 percent in Michigan and 48 to 47 percent in Pennsylvania while Trump leads Harris 47 to 45 percent in North Carolina.

Separately a Washington Post Michigan survey finds Harris leading Trump 47 to 46 percent.

“Why is the Democratic governor of Michigan writing an op-ed in Fox News? Well, I want to share some personal things about myself that you may not know and that we may have in common. As American women, we have the power to change the outcome of the upcoming election for our daughters. I was raised in a bipartisan household. My dad served in Republican Gov George Romney’s (yes, Mitt’s dad) cabinet, and my mom worked for the Democratic attorney general.”

“At the dinner table, they encouraged my siblings and me to share our opinions and disagree without being disagreeable. That skill served me well in the Michigan Legislature, where I was in the minority the entire time. You may not know I was sexually assaulted in college. I didn’t talk much about it for a long time. Years later, someone said to me, ‘We are all like a lump of clay. When it’s hollowed out, it becomes a cup.’ When something is taken from you, what’s left behind can have a purpose,” writes Big Gretch on FoxNews.com, and we’re less intrigued by the question of why she wrote it than why Fox actually printed it. Is this some kind of a token paean to being “Fair and Balanced”?

Continuing with this ongoing theme of support for Kamala Harris being a source of real and potential martial discord on Wednesday, Fox Newsbro Jesse Watters – who at 39 cheated on his then-wife with a 25 year old Fox News staffer and then ended up marrying her – said if the new wife votes for Harris without telling him he’ll consider it tantamount to having an affair.

Facing a tight race against a surging Dem challenger, first-term Wisconsin MAGA Congressman Derrick Van Orden, who screamed “LIES!” at President Joe Biden during this year’s State of The Union when Biden said “My predecessor, failed the most basic presidential duty that he owes to the American people, the duty to care. I think that’s unforgivable” about convicted felon former President Trump’s failed response to the COVID-19 pandemic, drunkenly screamed at page boys for hanging out on the Capitol rotunda during their break in 2023, and used funds leftover from his failed 2020 campaign to travel to Washington, DC on January 6th, 2021 – during which he almost certainly entered a restricted area on the Capitol grounds, if not the building itself during the insurrection, wants voters in the Cheesehead State’s 3rd District to know he’s no extremist.

“How I’ve chosen to serve in Congress is to govern,” Van Orden tells Punchbowl News just days before he faces Dem Rebecca Cooke in a toss-up race. “If people come to me with a good idea, we do it regardless of political party affiliation… just because you’re a Democrat doesn’t mean you can’t have a good idea. I speak very bluntly because I am a salty old war dog who sees this country going into the drain. You can’t smile your way out of that. You got to go in there, stand up and stand firm or you’re going to get run over,” he continued. Whatever the fuck that’s all supposed to mean.

A Philadelphia judge on Wednesday granted both of DA Larry Krasner’s requests – that ketamine brained asshole show up to the initial Thursday hearing in the lawsuit against him over the $1 million daily lottery scam and that it be moved to a more secure location at city hall – CNBC reports.

In the words of Cleavon Little as Sheriff Bart, the election is going to come down to one question:  “Where the white women at?”  Particularly in the swing states, how white women vote in the suburbs and gated communities may hold the key to this democratic experiment.  Undoubtedly, women in general will break largely for Kamala Harris, not just for her potential historic presidency, but because they find the idea of an adjudicated rapist proclaiming he’s the protector of women creepy.

Women have traditionally voted at higher rates than men, and Democrats are banking on women being motivated to cast their ballots–some likely for the first time–by the reversal of abortion rights by a Trump-laden Supreme Court.  The “Your Ballot is Secret” now-viral grassroots campaign apocryphally started with women leaving Post-It notes in bathroom stalls in every place from suburban chain restaurants to truck stops.  Regardless of whether it started as organic or astroturf, it’s cheap, effective and subversive.  And it can go on into Election Day:  “Vote to protect your reproductive rights on the way home from work.”

Sadly, a campaign like that is needed.  In too many relationships and in too many households, women have to nod in agreement when a husbro’s or brofriend’s bro-friend says something misogynistic when he gets dumped by a woman.  “Poor Tony,” she offers.  “You were too good for her.”  If you’ve ever been to a local insult comic’s set at a comedy club, you’ll ID them about the fourth misogynistic joke in, when the laughter turns plastic.

Here we go again with this shit: The New York Post reports Pennsylvania ABC affiliate WNEP accidentally ran a graphic showing Vice President Kamala Harris taking 52 percent of the vote in the state to convicted felon former President Trump’s 47 percent at 100 percent of precincts reporting during a broadcast of a Formula 1 race on Sunday. “The graphic caused a stir on social media, prompting claims of election rigging,” the Post writes and wow, who would’ve expected that?

“The numbers were not reflective of any actual vote count. Pennsylvania law does not allow mail-in ballots to be taken out of their envelopes until 7:00 am on Election Day, and no votes of any kind will be counted in Pennsylvania until after the polls close at 8:00 pm. WNEP regrets the error and apologizes for any confusion. We have taken steps to ensure that it does not happen again,” the station said in a statement. The whole episode echoes a 2022 fuckup when a Fox affiliate in Phoenix, funnily enough the former employer of gubernatorial loser Kari Lake, made the same mistake and showed her down more than 100,000 votes to eventual winner Katie Hobbs.

The Post doesn’t mention that incident, nor do they mention their own similar little oops from the same year when they accidentally published to their website a pre-write reporting Georgia Senator Raphael Warnock had won the runoff vs dipshit Herschel Walker a few hours before he actually did.

Instead they write ABC News is “under fire during the election season, following the network’s airing of the presidential debate on September 10. Critics accused ABC News and moderators David Muir and Linsey Davis of bias in favor of Harris,” and ughhhh they really go there with “In addition, an anonymous whistleblower alleged ABC handed questions to the Harris campaign ahead of the debate, according to reports,” just outright ignoring that the Associated Press already tracked down the asshole who made up the “whistleblower” story and revealed that he’s a fucking fraud.

Justice Department: “The fifth of five defendants charged with targeting an energy facility was sentenced today. Jordan Duncan, 29, of Bailey, North Carolina was sentenced today to seven years in prison for manufacturing a short barrel rifle in violation of the National Firearms Act. Joseph Maurino, 25, of Manalapan, New Jersey, was sentenced on Oct 25. Paul James Kryscuk, 38, of Boise, Idaho, Liam Collins, 25, of Johnston, Rhode Island, and Justin Wade Hermanson, 25, of Swansboro, North Carolina, were sentenced in July. Duncan, Collins, and Hermanson are former Marines who were assigned to Camp Lejeune. According to documents and other information presented in court, the group researched and reviewed at length a previous attack on the power grid by an unknown group who used assault-style rifles in an attempt to explode a substation.”

“Between 2017 and 2020, Kryscuk manufactured firearms while Collins stole military gear, including magazines for assault-style rifles, and had them delivered to the other defendants. During that time, Duncan, gathered a library of information, some military-owned, regarding firearms, explosives, and nerve toxins and shared that with Kryscuk and Collins. Members of the group went on to conduct training, including a live-fire training in the desert near Boise. From video footage recorded during the training, Kryscuk, Duncan, and others produced a montage video of their training. In the video, the participants are seen firing short barrel and other assault-type rifles, and the end of the video shows the four participants outfitted in AtomWaffen masks giving the ‘Heil Hitler’ sign, beneath the image of a black sun, a Nazi symbol. The last frame bears the phrase, ‘Come home white man.'”

The incendiary devices that torched a shit ton of ballots in drop boxes in Portland, Oregon and nearby Vancouver, Washington had “Free Gaza” written on them, USA Today reports.

“It was not immediately known whether the suspect was a pro-Palestinian activist or whether the fires were an attempt to cause confusion ahead of the election,” they wrote in the article and no shit it very well might have been a false flag. Something seems off about “Free Gaza,” like that’s not the actual language used. Shouldn’t it be “Free Palestine,” “Ceasefire Now,” or “River to the Sea”?

Old Man Biden’s going to lurch out of his coffin and give the children a ghastly fright before handing out candy and reminding them that he’s a kind and decent president who cares about them

Several people are dead at the scene of a Wednesday hit and run accident at a historic cemetery in the town of Hyannisport on the Cape Cod peninsula in Massachusetts, Boston 25 reports.

They were dead before the accident too, some possibly for 150 years or even more, based on the dates sort of visible on the weathered headstones knocked over by the Hyundai Santa Cruz that some asshole, who had fled from the cops earlier, plowed into the cemetery at around 7:25 AM.

The vehicle was left at the scene and the suspect fled on foot. No description of the driver was available but, unless it was stolen, cops should be able to figure out who was behind the wheel.

Are winged rodents in your home driving you just batty? Well the Fort Myers, Florida News-Press has THE article for you on how to deal with an unexpected visit from a squeaky little flying bastard.

“The first step in removing a bat from your home is to stay calm,” the paper quotes from tips by the Florida Bat Conservancy. “If the bat is flying around, it is not trying to attack anyone, it is only attempting to find a way out.” Next you need to turn on all your lights because, contrary to some dated myths, bats aren’t blind and don’t fear light. “Next, close the doors to adjoining rooms to confine it to one room. Open any exterior doors and windows in the room the bat is flying around (more bats will not fly in),” the Bat Conservancy says but we have to stop them right there.

What the hell makes them so sure about that? Okay maybe they’re saying that bats outside will not automatically follow the first one indoors but they should spell that out and not fucking lie to people.

“More than likely, the bat will just fly out the open door or window within a few minutes. Do not chase the bat out.” Okay. Don’t chase bat. But can you bang pots and pans or something to scare the fucker toward the egress? Well they sure as hell don’t say that or anything about to do next.

The next section begins with “It will take more effort to remove a breeding colony than a single bat that accidentally flew into your home or garage.” Lol. They don’t say whether to stay calm.

See what we did there with the headline? It’s Kamala in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, which is the state capital. We’re pretty good at coming up with clever little puns like that sometimes.

Requesting a judge relocate the initial hearing in his case against Elon Musk over the $1 million lottery scam, Philadelphia District Attorney Larry Krasner filed a motion Wednesday seeking enhanced “security surrounding the hearing. Enhanced security is possible either at City Hall or at the Juanita Kidd Stout Center for Criminal Justice (CJC), which is more fully staffed with sheriffs than City Hall. The same day this Complaint was filed, Elon Musk posted to his 202.7 million followers on X, the social-media website he owns, his agreement with an attack on the integrity of the Court the statement that Larry Krasner ‘knows it’s not illegal but wants a leftist judge to stop it before Election Day.’ That retweet now has 8.9 million views. Id. It immediately triggered an avalanche of posts from Musk’s followers. Many made antisemitic attacks on Krasner. See, eg, Exhibit 1 at 2 (‘Krasner and Soros, both Jewish, both corrupt goons.’); Exhibit 1 at 3 (‘Shapiro PA Governor / Krasner Philly DA / soros money machinations / what’s the Jewish population of Pennsylvania? Weird how they end up in every position of consequence every single time.’)

“Even worse, one account responded to posts about the lawsuit at least 19 times by inviting political violence, posting Krasner family’s home address, including numerous posts also stating, ‘Krasner loves visitors. Mask up and leave all cellphones at home.’ The directives to ‘mask up’ and to ‘leave all cellphones at home’ are to prevent identification of illegal actors by video, by eyewitnesses, and by cellphone geolocation. These posts, which unquestionably are criminal, and remain posted on Musk’s X website,” Krasner continued in the motion, also asking the judge to require Musk be present.

Puerto Rican-Dominican American rapper Nicky Jam, a dude who convicted felon former President Trump referred to as “she” before he took the stage with him at a Las Vegas rally last month, undorsed the fat fuck in an Instagram video on Wednesday. “The reason that I supported Donald Trump is because I thought he would be better on the economy in the US where a lot of Latinos live, myself included. There are a lot of immigrants who are suffering because of the economy and as a businessman I thought this was the best movement. Never in my life did I think that just one month later a comedian would show up and criticize my country, and speak poorly of my country. And for that, I revoke any support for Donald Trump,” said Jam, translation via NBC’s Alec Hernandez