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A “gardener” illegally in the U.S. knocked a 24 yr old mother unconscious, then brutally raped her. The last people we should be listening to are liberal Republicans who treat illegal immigration as a right.https://t.co/IultTEce5a https://t.co/fx625i3fKH

— Laura Ingraham (@IngrahamAngle) February 6, 2026

Skinney wiener Jared Kushner is working to form a group of “Iranian-American business leaders to advise on the formation of some sort of transitional entity to help govern Iran in the event of the regime’s collapse,” the National reports on Kush planning the next money-making opportunity when he hasn’t even gotten his shit together on the Gaza one yet. Oh and the Belgrade one collapsed too.

Russian Lt Gen Vladimir Alexeyev, the second-in-command of the GRU, was shot several times by an unknown assailant in Moscow on Friday, the BBC reports. Nobody has any idea whether it was a Ukrainian hit or a Putin hit. Alexeyev has been hospitalized and his condition remains unknown.

Jeffrey Epstein's unusual close relationship with Ehud Barak doesn't suggest Epstein worked for Israel. It proves the opposite.

Stuck on his election loss from over two decades ago, Barak has for years obsessively attempted to undermine Israeli democracy by working with the…

— Benjamin Netanyahu – בנימין נתניהו (@netanyahu) February 6, 2026

“By working with the anti-Zionist radical left in failed attempts to overthrow the elected Israeli government. Barak’s personal fixation led him to engage in activities publicly and behind the scenes to undermine the government of Israel, including fueling mass protest movements, fomenting unrest and feeding false media narratives,” the genocidal dictator continued after the cutoff.

The problem, and there’s always a problem, is that Epstein once asked Barak – a former high-ranking Israeli intel official – to go out of his way to deny that Jeff had any Mossad ties. “You should make clear that i dont work for mossad :)” Epstein wrote to Barak in the mid-2010s.

It’s hard to make a 1:1 comparison but some blue political nerds on Twitter are amped because turnout was pretty freaking high in the Thursday night primary ahead of the April 16 special to replace now-New Jersey Governor Mikie Sherrill in the Garden State’s 11th District. At an estimated 91 percent counted per the New York Times‘s tracker, 61,382 votes were cast in the Dem primary, exceeding the 51,848 cast in the June 4, 2024 primary when now-Senator Andy Kim was challenging Gold Bars Bob Menendez statewide and the 37,948 in the 2022 D primary when Sherrill was running uncontested (probably because of something something machine politics).

The turnout surge could be chalked up to how tightly contested it was: Former Bernie Sanders aide Analilia Mejia leads former NJ-7 Dem Congressman Tom Malinowski by 0.79 percent and the race is still too close to call. Punchbowl News reports that AIPAC fucked themselves by spending against Malinowski for the sin of reading the room and being open to conditioning to Israel only to end up with Mejia in the lead and you already guessed that she’s not a skinnier female Randy Fine.

Contested or not it’s still noteworthy for turnout in a special election primary on a random Thursday night in February to be significantly higher than it was during the last two regular D primaries.

Convicted felon President Trump late Thursday posted a video that was mostly about some 2020 election conspiracy bullshit but in the end abruptly cut to a cartoony depiction of Barack and Michelle Obama as apes bobbing along to “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” as recorded by the Tokens.

Remember how the Trump Administration was holding up the $6.9 billion in federal funds for the Gateway Tunnel project – which was allocated by President Joe Biden in 2021 – because of something something illegal DEI hiring practices in the contracting process? Well it seems that the president isn’t really all that concerned about the scourge of reverse racism in economic opportunities in public works projects because Punchbowl News reports that the fat fuck told Chuck Schumer he would release the funds if Democrats vote to rename Manhattan’s Penn Station to Trump Station and Virginia’s Dulles International Airport to Trump International Airport.

Watch all the MAGA white nationalists suddenly turn on Trump for compromising their principles, lol.

“There’s nothing to trade. The president stopped the funding and can restart the funding with a snap of his fingers,” said a source close to the Senate Minority Leader. While obviously a good point, that they have no reason to trust Trump – also both states are suing the demented old slob anyway and will probably win, which may’ve been what prompted fat Donald to make this “offer” – maybe Team Schumer could’ve also made clear that he’d only agree to vote yes on the renaming the transport hubs if Trump dumped a can of gasoline on himself and lit a match on live television.

PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT! President Trump’s historic victory in the 2024 election has made Bitcoin more affordable for working families across the United States, with the price of the digital currency plummeting to lows not seen in years, with the price coming down to $63,057.84 on Thursday, 49.95 percent off its all-time high of $126,251.31 in October 2025, according to CNBC.

In fact it’s $13,400 cheaper than it was just 24 hours ago! Cry more libtards! The American dream of owning a Bitcoin is now that much more within reach for so many people, all thanks to President Trump’s mastery of the crypto market miracle and the end of the Bidenomics disaster for BTC.

Expect to see lots of new investors rocking their awesome Trump 47 “The Crypto President” x Bitcoin-branded sneakers – and with a little extra swagger too. Mean tweets and cheap Bitcoin!

Does the usual “Resume our regular news coverage” satire disclaimer need to be down here when everything above was technically factual and Bitcoin really is more affordable (lol) now?

I know your post here is satire but on a serious note I honestly think I could help you out. pic.twitter.com/lFjHqIimVn

— Gain of Fauci (@DschlopesIsBack) February 5, 2026

Should’ve tried “Chuck Schumer tells reporters he’s not crying he just got some of Jasmine Crockett’s nail glitter in his eye” or “Joe Biden wanders into White House in his bathrobe again” or…

In all seriousness this “Gain of Fauci” (fuuuuuuuck) kid’s thirst in the middle of an EPIC OWNING of mass-fired Washington Post journalists – using his tweet from friggin almost eight months ago – is extra painful because it’s absolutely Babylon Bee-caliber material. Hire him five minutes ago, Seth.

Asked what the plan is for dealing with Oyewan, an elephant linked to at least three fatal tramplings, the latest victim a 65 year-old local man thrashed to death by the animal earlier this week, Thailand national parks chief Chaiya Huayhongthong wasn’t quite sure just yet, but told AFP that he and his team will meet Friday and they’ll “probably decide to relocate him or change his behavior.”

The outlet appended a “without elaborating” to the quote, rightly disclaiming any confusion about what the hell that latter option he was supposed to mean, because they sure don’t know either.

Obviously tracking and shooting an ornery bull elephant with a tranq dart, then tying him up, loading him onto a truck, and then driving him to some other sanctuary far away in a less-densely populated region is a challenging job. However unless they want to regularly shoot him with darts filled with lithium or Zoloft and also fill the jungle of his territory with recorded nature sounds more soothing than the natural nature sounds, which wouldn’t be easier or effective, then the relocation would seem to be the only option to deal with the murderous (also endangered and protected) elephant.

“Today, Congressman Andy Barr (R-KY), became the first US Senate candidate and member of Kentucky’s Congressional Delegation to back America First Patriot Ed Gallrein to be the next Congressman from Kentucky’s 4th Congressional District,” says a particularly sickeningly fellatious and ballsuckery statement from Barr’s campaign to replace the steadily failing Mitch McConnell.

“‘Northern Kentucky needs a leader who will stand shoulder-to-shoulder with President Trump and always fight for the MAGA agenda,’ said Barr. ‘Ed Gallrein is an American hero – a Navy SEAL, a fifth-generation farmer, and a small business owner – who has spent his life defending this country. Ed will never side with AOC or the radical-left against President Trump. He is exactly the kind of conservative warrior we need in Congress, and I’m proud to endorse him,'” guck guck guck.

“‘I’m honored to have the endorsement of Andy Barr. Unlike Thomas Massie, Andy has been a steadfast ally of President Trump from the very beginning,’ said Gallrein. ‘The Republican Party and the conservative movement are united to replace Massie so we can defend the MAGA agenda and send a clear message Kentucky remains MAGA country and stands firmly behind our President.'”

Barr and Gallrein’s guck guck guck sluuuurrrpppttttupupitity quote asides, Barr didn’t need to knife Massie. He could just run a good campaign and Trump would endorse him. Shows what kind of guy he is, kicking a guy he’s served with for years just to get showered in the Orange Dominant’s golden glory. It’s sickening even without all the gratuitous phallic allusions unnecessarily added here.

“Highly Respected Prime Minister of Hungary, Viktor Orban, is a truly strong and powerful Leader, with a proven track record of delivering phenomenal results. He fights tirelessly for, and loves, his Great Country and People, just like I do for the United States of America. Viktor works hard to Protect Hungary, Grow the Economy, Create Jobs, Promote Trade, Stop Illegal Immigration, and Ensure LAW AND ORDER! Relations between Hungary and the United States have reached new heights of cooperation and spectacular achievement under my Administration, thanks largely to Prime Minister Orban. I look forward to continuing working closely with him so that both of our Countries can further advance this tremendous path to SUCCESS and cooperation.”

“I was proud to ENDORSE Viktor for Re-Election in 2022, and am honored to do so again. Viktor Orbán is a true friend, fighter, and WINNER, and has my Complete and Total Endorsement for Re-Election as Prime Minister of Hungary – HE WILL NEVER LET THE GREAT PEOPLE OF HUNGARY DOWN!” posted Dollar Tree Orban on Thursday, evidently worried as Viktor may be in serious trouble as polls show him deep in the hole against Euro Parliament MEP and former ally Peter Magyar.

In related news from neighboring Poland, US Ambassador Tom Rose lost his shit and tweeted that he will be ceasing all communication with Marshal of the Sjem (parliament speaker) Wlodzimierz Czarzasty for his “outrageous and unprovoked insults directed against President Trump.” Why? Because Czarzasty had the temerity to say “Trump does not deserve a Nobel” Peace Prize.

“It has come to my attention that US Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) is in the final stages of acquiring a warehouse facility in Byhalia, Mississippi, and intends to convert it into an ICE detention center. While I support the enforcement of immigration law, I write to express my opposition to this acquisition and the proposed detention center,” writes Mississippi Republican Senator Roger Wicker in a letter to Secretary Dog Murderer in a letter oddly posted publicly.

“This site is currently positioned for economic development purposes. It represents an opportunity for job creation, private investment, and long-term economic growth in Marshall County. The county is already experiencing meaningful growth and increased interest from employers seeking to locate or expand in North Mississippi. Preserving limited, development-ready industrial sites is essential to sustaining this growth. Converting this industrial asset into an ICE detention center forecloses economic growth opportunities and replaces them with a use that does not generate comparable economic returns or community benefits,” he continues and no, this isn’t some elaborate lib prank.

So walk through it here, and well past that Wicker voted to hand ICE $100 billion, would never vote to claw it back, is on board with all the other savagery and malevolence of the MAGA Reich and so on. You’re not an undergrad at perceiving the hypocrisy and self-interest and don’t need your hand held on it because it’ll distract you from the indescribably juvenile logic of Wicker’s complaint: The fucking warehouse is empty. ICE can’t “foreclose” an “economic growth opportunity” when nobody else is taking advantage of said opportunity besides homeless squatters or maybe raccoons.

🚨 House Oversight Chairman James Comer Sends Final Warning to Bill and Hillary Clinton if they Decide to Not Show Up to Their Deposition:

“A supermajority of Congress will vote to hold them in contempt and then it will be turned over to Pam Bondi just like when Navarro and… pic.twitter.com/cMIektncnU

— Benny Johnson (@bennyjohnson) February 5, 2026

Charging ahead even though a state judge blocked the redistricting, Virginia Dems and Gov Abigail Spanberger are operating under the assumption that the state Supreme Court will rule in their favor, with a spokesperson for the governor saying “State elections administrators have told the Governor that the General Assembly’s map can be implemented before voting begins. The Governor’s priority has been upholding the integrity of Virginia’s elections, and her team has been working throughout this process to make sure any proposed map could actually be implemented on the quick timeline before elections administrators,” ahead of an anticipated April 21 date for the referendum.

A new Marist/NPR/PBS national survey finds convicted felon President Trump’s economic approval rating at 36 percent approve to 59 percent disapprove, his lowest ever at 23 percent in the red, even edging out Joe Biden’s lowest of negative 22 percent in February 2022.

To put this in perspective, the lowest Trump ever got on economic approval in a Marist survey during his first term was negative 1 in September 2019 coming off some relatively minor stock market turbulence during that summer. Even in December 2020 after he had already lost and with COVID-19 still ravaging day-to-day life, he was +5 percent on the economy, which is probably why all we fucking heard day in and day out during the 2024 campaign was about how these and those voter demos were “nostalgic for the Trump economy” as he told them the lies they wanted to hear.

Then six months after he won, the first time Marist tested economic last April during the “Liberation Day” shitshow and they found him 16 percent underwater and it’s only gotten worse since.

SETTING THE EXAMPLE: Dutch Queen Máxima Is Training as a Reservist in the Netherlands Armed Forces (VIDEO) https://t.co/l90cxPepx9

— The Gateway Pundit (@gatewaypundit) February 5, 2026

Right wing propaganda site the Gateway Pundit on Thursday was really kind of asking for it when they noted that the reigning monarch of the Netherlands is setting an example by actually legitimately undergoing some military training that is more real than it is performative.

The Pundit did not take it to the next logical step of addressing whether another certain leader – one who considers himself a monarch – should follow that example. Even if just perfomatively.

“On Monday, February 2, 2026, a French Navy vessel, supported by a Falcon 50 aircraft, intercepted a suspicious vessel at sea. The vessel had been flagged by French Customs in Polynesia as part of an investigation conducted jointly with New Zealand Customs. An inspection on board led to the discovery of 174 bales of cocaine, totaling 4.24 tons. This large-scale operation, similar to the one conducted on January 16, 2026, which resulted in a record seizure of nearly 5 tons of cocaine at sea, was led by the High Commissioner of the Republic in French Polynesia, the government’s delegate for maritime affairs. It mobilized significant human and material resources from the French Armed Forces in French Polynesia (FAPF), working closely with French Customs, the National Gendarmerie, and the Anti-Narcotics Office (OFAST),” said the French Navy in a press release following the seizure in the Pacific earlier this week, translation by Google. Very noticeable gap between how the Big G handles French and Hebrew. You’d think the above was originally English…

Anyway per CBS News it was the second recent non-war crimes by the croissant-eating naval force as they also nabbed a vessel boat carrying 678 keys of coke in the Carribbean last week.