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Bexar County, Texas Sheriff Javier Salazar on Monday told the Miami Herald that he’s recommended heels-wearing Florida Governor Ron DeSantis face criminal charges for suckering nearly 50 Venezuelan migrants onto a flight from San Antonio to Martha’s Vineyard last August.

“The case filed includes both felony and misdemeanor charges of Unlawful Restraint. At this time, the case is being reviewed by the DA’s office. Once an update is available, it will be provided to the public,” said Salazar in a statement. It’s not clear how likely it is the little bastard will actually get indicted over this, but damn that would be some funny shit if both he and Trump were in the barrel.

We love a good “Trump is so fucked” story as much as the next center-left news aggregator, but seriously this CNN story “Mar-a-Lago pool flood raises suspicions among prosecutors in Trump classified documents case,” published on Monday kind of sucks and for various reasons simply doesn’t hit the spot as funny, damning, and/or interesting enough for us to pick up as it is.

Yeah this is more than a little weasely of us to non-report it by deriding it. Guilty. In October 2022, two months after the FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago, an employee – one who was interviewed by federal prosecutors and admitted to helping move boxes containing classified documents to hide them from NARA and the Justice Department – was draining the pool and accidentally flooded a room containing the servers on which the security camera footage for Donald’s Floridian redoubt is stored, footage sought by prosecutors. The prosecutors weren’t exactly buying it as “accidental,” but reportedly none of the servers were damaged when the skanky piss water poured in.

And that’s the story we wanted to skip. It’s on par with The Hill’s “Trump Jr and Mueller pass each other at airport and don’t notice” on July 27th, 2018 or “Russian pop star linked to Trump Tower meeting cancels US tour,” on January 21, 2019 as just filler that does absolutely nothing to move the ball down the field with the story or even merely entertain those antsy with the lack of action.

So maybe this dumb Mar-a-Lago pool story is useful to give us some perspective on how far we’ve come since “Mueller Time,” back when we were simply desperate for a deliverance that never came until we the American voters removed the Orange God Emperor ourselves. Now every goddamned day it seems we’re getting materially closer to the REAL reckoning for his crimes (after having already been treated to a mini-reckoning in Manhattan just two months ago). We can laugh at the pointlessness of this story because it comes just hours after Trump all but confirmed in caps lock that his lawyers told him he’s about to be hit with major federal felonies for which he will die in prison if all goes right – with two more major cases over his 2020 coup attempt still likely pending.

The long-anticipated Ukrainian counteroffensive to retake territory occupied by Russian dictator Vladimir Putin’s regime may be underway, as the Daily Beast reports a shit ton of action is occurring on the eastern front. The Kremlin claimed to have fought off a “large-scale offensive in South Donetsk direction” on Monday but other, more reliable, details were scarce. A previous push by Kyiv last fall saw thousands of square miles of territory taken by Putin at the start of the invasion falling back into Ukrainian hands, culminating with the Russian withdrawal from Kherson.

#SaveGasStoves pic.twitter.com/cKPPNDlUow

— House Judiciary GOP (@JudiciaryGOP) June 5, 2023

Liberals were thoroughly owned Monday by a tweet posted by the GOP majority on the House Judiciary Committee. The tweet, which signaled that Republicans in Congress will not back down from a fight to save gas stoves from the Democratic Party’s evil plot to take them away from real Americans who value their God-given freedoms, struck fear into the hearts of the woke socialists and informed them – on no uncertain terms – that playtime is over, libtards.

Leveraging an insult used by then-Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio against fellow candidate Donald Trump, a California lawyer seeks to copyright the phrase “Trump Too Small” to mock the former president, the New York Times reports.

During a 2016 Republican candidate debate, Rubio noted Trump’s smaller-than-normal hands, commenting, “And you know what they say about guys with small hands.”  Of course, despite Stormy Daniels describing his phallus as a tiny mushroom, Trump claimed he “never had any complaints” about his manhood, but also never claimed he got any compliments.

California lawyer Steve Elster said he wants to use the phrase “too small” to describe Trump’s policies, emblazoning merchandise with phrases like “Trump Too Small on Civil Rights” or “Trump Too Small on Fighting Russia.”  A lower court ruled against Elster citing the Patent and Trademark Office’s longtime ban on “identifying a particular living individual except by his written consent.”  However, an appeals court ruled that because Trump is a public figure and the requested phrase is political speech, canceling the trademark would be an unreasonable limitation on Elster’s First Amendment right. 

“On Monday, June 5, 2023, at approximately 6:55 am, inmate Robert Hanssen was found unresponsive at the Federal Correctional Complex (FCC) specifically, the ADX in Florence, Colorado. Responding staff immediately initiated life-saving measures. Staff requested emergency medical services and life-saving efforts continued. The inmate was subsequently pronounced dead by outside emergency medical personnel. The Federal Bureau of Investigation was notified.”

“No staff or other inmates were injured, and at no time was the public in danger. Mr Hansen was a 79-year-old male who was sentenced in the Eastern District of Virginia to Life for Espionage, Conspiracy to Commit Espionage, and Attempted Espionage. He had been in custody at ADX Florence since July 17, 2002,” says a Federal Bureau of Prisons statement on the suicide-y sounding parole of the life sentence of traitor ex-FBI agent Robert Hanssen. Caught selling secrets to the USSR and then the Putin Regime in 2001 and subsequently taking a plea to avoid the death penalty, Hanssen was also in one of those fucked up hardcore conservative Catholic cults like Bill Barr.

Video expertly cut back and forth by the indispensable Acyn Torabi of House Oversight Committee dipshit James Comer and ranking member Jamie Raskin speaking separately to reporters following their briefing with FBI officials on the legendary FD-1023 that alleged Biden took a $5 million bribe from some Romanian scumbag while he was Vice President, a bullshit claim that almost certainly originated from Rudy Giuliani back in 2020. Comer claims FBI officials confirmed to him in the meeting that the document is part of an ongoing criminal investigation, while minutes later Raskin said he must’ve missed that part and explained that the tip was dismissed by Bill Barr and the MAGA US Attorney for Western Pennsylvania pretty much right after they received it. Not much mystery here as to which one of the two Congressmen is telling the truth about how the meeting went.

UPDATE 6/5/2023 2:27 PM EDT: Comer is still moving to hold FBI Director Chris Wray in contempt for not handing over the document, even though (obviously) Comer just saw it.

Look out Ramaswamy Swarmers, the Burgumaniacs are activating! The number of YouTube followers for North Dakota Doug Burgum is up by a staggering 37 percent following the Monday premiere of his pre-2024 presidential campaign launch video titled “Announcement Preview: Change.” That’s right, Burgum went from 37 YouTube subscribers to 51 in just two hours after the video debuted.

Can you say “Burgumentum“? Even better, at 932 views as of 1:33 PM EDT on Monday, it will probably cross the all-important four digit threshold within the next 20 minutes. And, who knows, maybe the video will get even more clicks than this obnoxious National Zero article about it.

“Campaign for Accountability (‘CfA’)1 respectfully submits this Tax-Exempt Organization Complaint to the Internal Revenue Service (‘IRS’) regarding True the Vote, Inc. (EIN: 27- 2860095), a Texas nonprofit corporation (‘True the Vote’). Based on publicly available information, including Form 990 tax-exempt organization returns and court records, CfA is concerned that True the Vote may have violated both Texas and federal law by allowing substantial amounts of its income and assets to inure to the benefit of its current or former directors and officers… True the Vote may have diverted substantial portions of its income and assets, directly or indirectly, to the personal benefit of its President and Executive Director, Catherine Engelbrecht, and former director, Gregg Phillips.”

“True the Vote has advanced large loans to Ms Engelbrecht, potentially in violation of a Texas law that generally prohibits loans to directors of Texas nonprofit corporations. True the Vote has also made substantial payments to a for-profit business entity wholly owned by former director Mr Phillips. CfA is concerned these payments may have materially exceeded the fair market value of the good or services provided to True the Vote in return (if any),” says the Campaign for Accountability in a complaint against “True the Vote” assholes Catherine Engelbrecht and Gregg Phillips, famous for their team-up with douchebag right wing influencer Dinesh D’Souza on the widely-ridiculed “2000 Mules” fantasy about a vast network of Soros-paid ballot harvesters who rigged the 2020 election.

Watchdog complaints are often just dumb circlejerks filed for attention – and this is something we feel comfortable writing “both sides are guilty” even when obviously we typically agree with the merits of ones lodged by the left-leaning groups – but this one we see as different as “True the Vote” themselves are supposed to be a “watchdog” and, more importantly, it tracks with a criminal referral from the Arizona Attorney General’s office from last fall to the Justice Department over TTV’s finances… while now-former Republican AG Mark Brnovich was still in office.

Trump lawyers Jim Trusty, John Rowley, and Lindsey Halligan were spotted stepping out of Justice Department headquarters in DC just before noon on Monday, less than two hours after CBS’s Robert Costa first reported the three weasels had gone to meet with prosecutors ahead of a possible indictment for the disgraced former president over his theft of classified documents from the White House following his humiliating defeat in the 2020 election, NBC’s Dan Barnes reports, adding that Attorney General Merrick Garland did not participate in the meeting, per sources.

Which, judging by the fat bastard’s Truth Social post above, probably didn’t go so well for him. While it’s usually hard to tell with these all-caps posts just how closely connected they are to actual developments behind the scenes (as opposed to just a spur-of-the-moment tantrum), the timing would strongly indicate Trump got a phone call that started with “Bad news, boss…” leading him to pretty much immediately scream that he’s about to be indicted, for real, on Truth Social.

New Hampshire Governor Chris Sununu on Monday ended speculation about whether he was presently in New Hampshire to scope out a possible 2024 presidential run, telling CNN’s Dana Bash he’s not running, which gave us a chance to once again use that stupid pun in a headline.

BREAKING NOOSE: Former Vice President Mike Pence on Monday filed the paperwork to run for President in 2024, the Associated Press reports on the beginning of a strong challenge to weirdo millennial plutocrat Vivek Ramaswamy’s bid for third place in the early Republican primary states.

The Russian attempt to capture and control Ukraine is meeting with new hazards and enemies, some from within the Kremlin’s own forces.  The mercenary Wagner Group says it captured the commander of 72nd Brigade of the Russian Army after his troops planted mines to the rear of Wagner forces and then fired on its personnel as they tried to remove them, Politico reports.

A man identifying himself as Lieutenant-Colonel Roman Gennadievich said on video that he was drunk when he ordered his troops to fire on Wagner soldiers.  Wagner Group’s commander, Yevgeny Prigozhin, has frequently complained about the lack of support and the occasional outright hostility the Kremlin has shown the fighters.

In another development, the UK Independent reports hackers broadcast a fake message from Russian President Vladimir Putin on numerous Russian radio stations telling towns along the Ukrainian border region that forces from Kyiv had broken through Russian lines in the areas of the Rostov, Belgorod and Voronezh regions and that martial law had been declared.  The announcement caused panic among civilians and momentary confusion with military leaders in the region.

Disgraced former President Trump’s lawyers were spotted entering the Justice Department’s main office in DC on Monday morning, CBS’s Robert Costa reports, writing it “comes as sources tell me the special counsel is moving toward a charging decision in the classified documents case.”

Meaning it could be as little as a few hours before it leaks that the feds are charging the fat fuck for real and soon, as these “courtesy meetings” are said to be commonplace in such cases. “It is not unusual for lawyers for high-profile defendants to seek an audience with senior Justice Department officials toward the end of a federal criminal investigation,” the Washington Post wrote on May 23rd when reporting on Team Orange’s request for an audience with Attorney General Merrick Garland – which they then noted that it was weird and stupid for Donald’s minions to ask for Garland rather than special counsel Jack Smith. So it’s unlikely they’re speaking with Garland on Monday.

Twitter’s advertising revenue has plunged 59 percent from last year, based on an internal slide obtained by the New York Times which compared the period between April 1st and the first week of May 2022, before edgelord billionaire Elon Musk bought the company, and the same period in 2023 as established brands flee over the (selective) free speech absolutism regime Musk has wrought.

Which, when you look at it amid the frenzied MAGA circlejerk over Bug Light sales tanking, Target’s stock price taking a beating, and other “victories” following right wing boycotts over raises the question of whether it’s even worth pointing out that the market is punishing their hero in a similar way (and that Twitter is now estimated to be worth a third of what he paid). Sure, if you get into it with a MAGA troll spiking the ball over Bud Light and Target’s troubles you might want to reply with these brutal numbers for “their” brand for a laugh at their expense but then what? Can we really expect this to be a thing after so many years of them making a complete disregard for any sort of consistency, especially concerning economic concepts they don’t understand, their actual brand?

Maybe you can, actually. It took a while to percolate, but you don’t really see fanboys still pretending to claim that Trump is a smart businessman to justify their support for him anymore. That “He’s an incredibly talented real estate tycoon” line of bullshit died quietly circa 2019 when before that his well-known pre-2015 history of business failures were always spun as being somehow evidence of his acumen. The ongoing bad press about Trump’s business clusterfucks – even while he was still president – became too much for most of his fans to bear. It’s not inconceivable that the same will happen to Musk, at least as far as Twitter is concerned. Specific to this ad revenue shitshow though, no. There will be no reckoning because they can paint Musk as victim of the “corporate communists” and that “Go woke, go broke” still applies. It’s just that in this case Twitter is going broke because the advertisers went “woke” by exercising their right to not buy ads on the platform.

Again??

Non-binary ex-Biden official Sam Brinton arrested for yet another baggage theft | Fox News https://t.co/ROpuRy1nre

— Ted Cruz (@tedcruz) June 5, 2023

Prosecutors with both Fulton County, Georgia District Attorney Fani Willis and Justice Department special counsel Jack Smith’s teams are looking at the two post-2020 election reviews conducted by consultants at the Berkeley Group and Simpatico Software which found no evidence of a “Stollen election” in their investigations into the Trump Regime’s coup attempt, the Washington Post reports.

That Smith’s team are looking into the reviews – which obviously the Trump campaign never publicly released because their findings ran contra to the public line they still to this day push about the election – has been previously reported, however the Fulton DA’s interest in it is new and tracks with last week’s report that Willis was looking outside of Georgia for additional evidence as part of a possible RICO prosecution of the Orange God Emperor and his minions.

Officials in Virginia’s Shenandoah Valley region on Monday confirmed to the AP there were no survivors found of the four people on board a Cessna Citation jet owned by big time Florida Trump donor John Rumpel, who said his daughter, granddaughter, their nanny, and a pilot had been on the craft when it had inexplicably turned around Sunday afternoon while on approach to Long Island’s MacArthur Airport after flying from Elizabethton, Tennessee, likely due to depressurization.

The Cessna’s drift back in the direction it came took it right over the DC area, prompting fighter jets to scramble at supersonic speeds and the loud boom which startled many across the region on Sunday afternoon. “The pilot was unresponsive and the Cessna subsequently crashed near the George Washington National Forest, Virginia. NORAD attempted to establish contact with the pilot until the aircraft crashed,” said a spokesperson for NORAD in a statement after the chase.

Monday’s edition of Politico Playbook uses the word “Burgumentum” to describe what Republican North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum should want to be feeling ahead of the not-very-hotly-anticipated launch of his 2024 GOP presidential primary campaign this week. “Burgumentum” isn’t as lively or exciting as our preferred “Burgumania” but it still works to convey that magic combination of energy and utter pointlessness that comes to mind when you think of Burgum 2024.

In a lengthy text leaked to the Daily Beast, white nationalist Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene tells her fellow scumbag House Republican Matt Gaetz she’s done with Steve Bannon and everyone else ragging on her for voting yes on the debt ceiling bill last week.

“Steve [Bannon], [Laura] Loomer, and any other POS attacking me will not beat me,” Sporkfoot wrote to her statutory. “Because of that people have been reaching out to me because they don’t like what Steve is doing to me… I’m at a place in my life where removing toxic and bad people out of my life makes me very happy… I donated to We Build The Wall campaign. I remember how it said 100% of the donations went to building the wall. I was one of the many naive people that believed in people and movements because I hoped so badly good things could happen.”

“Steve [Bannon] and I aren’t getting back together. And if he keeps it up I’ll take the house and kids. I hope you send it to Steve. Because I’m done,” the QAdulteress concluded.