US Centers for Disease Control and World Health Organization officials charged with examining the most recent outbreak of monkeypox have determined the virus appears mostly to have been transmitted through sexual contact between men, CNBC reports. “Many diseases can be spread through sexual contact. You could get a cough or a cold through sexual contact, but it doesn’t mean that it’s a sexually transmitted disease,” said WHO STD expert Andy Seale. “We want to help people make the best informed decisions to protect their health and the health of their community from monkeypox,” said CDC official Dr John Brooks, who was careful to avoid inviting the same stigma upon the gay community that came with the AIDS pandemic in the 1980s, cautioning that anyone can catch it. “Anyone with a rash or lesion around or involving their genitals, their anus or any other place that they have not seen it before, should be fully evaluated, both for that rash but particularly for sexually transmitted infection and other illnesses that can cause rash,” Brooks said.

Listen,

bear spray
DOES NOT
work like bug spray.

We would like to not have to say that again.

— Oklahoma Department of Wildlife Conservation (@OKWildlifeDept) May 23, 2022

An outside investigator brought in by leadership to probe the Southern Baptist Convention, America’s largest Protestant denomination, found a culture of sexual abuse and coverups, Fox News reports. “Our investigation revealed that, for many years, a few senior EC (Executive Committee) leaders, along with outside counsel, largely controlled the EC’s response to these reports of abuse … and were singularly focused on avoiding liability for the SBC,” the report from “Guidepost Solutions” said. “In service of this goal, survivors and others who reported abuse were ignored, disbelieved, or met with the constant refrain that the SBC could take no action due to its polity regarding church autonomy – even if it meant that convicted molesters continued in ministry with no notice or warning to their current church or congregation… Our investigation revealed that, for many years, a few senior EC leaders, along with outside counsel, largely controlled the EC’s response to these reports of abuse … and were singularly focused on avoiding liability for the SBC.”

The current SBC President Ed Litton, said to be a decent guy elected to bridge the divides between the MAGA section of the church and everyone else – basically the Biden of the SBC – did not get defensive and said in a statement it was time to make some serious changes. Litton barely edged out some crazy far right asshole who wanted to purge the church of Critical Race Theory in a 52-48 runoff for a three year term as SBC President last June. Hard to imagine this report would ever have been made public in the first place had the MAGA guy won.

In case the headline is confusing as shit, we’ll start from the top: In 2019 North Carolina Trump fanboy Matthew Beddingfield, then 17, shot another 17 year old boy in the head in a Walmart parking lot during a botched robbery attempt. Details are murky, but it would appear that Beddingfield fired in self-defense when the other teen tried to rob him – probably over drugs because what the hell else would they be doing in a Walmart parking lot. The other teen apparently survived and it was probably a graze wound given that Beddingfield’s bond, initially set at $1 million, was bumped down to $100,000, and he was allowed to plead down to an unspecified lesser charge in August 2021. Beddingfield was then sentenced to probation on the state charges.

What the North Carolina prosecutors were evidently somehow unaware of at that point was that Beddingfield had already been identified by the Huffington Post from video footage of the January 6th, 2021 Capitol insurrection, showing him present with his dad, Jason Beddingfield, marching toward the building with thousands of other MAGA terrorists and assaulting police officers. Finally in March 2022, Beddingfield was arrested by the FBI and hit with felony charges of assaulting officers, impeding officers during a civil disorder, and carrying a deadly or dangerous weapon on restricted Capitol grounds, as well as several misdemeanors, according to court records. It’s not clear what if anything can be effected on Beddingfield’s state-level probation sentence if he was shown to have violated his bond on the shooting charge after the fact (we would appreciate any defense attorneys who’ve had some really fucking stupid clients to weigh in below).

Might as well get ahead of it and pretend it’s real, see if it makes its way to Fox News.

Russian Army Sergeant Vadin Shyshimarin was sentenced to life in a Ukrainian prison Monday over the murder of unarmed civilian Oleksandr Shelipov in the village of Chupakhivka on February 28th, Al Jazeera reports. Shyshimarin pleaded guilty to the crime last week but reports had indicated he was only looking at around 15 years for the crime. Real savvy and genius move by Ukrainian prosecutors.

Russian President Vladimir Putin survived a previously undisclosed assassination attempt two months, according to the head of the Ukrainian Defense Intelligence agency, Yahoo News reports.  Details about the event are unknown.

“Putin was assassinated,” Maj. Gen. Kyrylo Budanov told the Pravda Ukraine news outlet, according to a translation. “He was even attacked in the line of, as they say, representatives of the Caucasus not so long ago. This is nonpublic information. Absolutely unsuccessful attempt, but it really took place. … It was about two months ago.”

Oliver Stone, who interviewed Putin a series of times for his 2017 documentary “The Putin Interviews,” said during interviews to promote the series that he was aware of at least five assassination attempts against Putin the last twenty year.

Woke-ass globalist coffee chain Starbucks announced Monday it will close all Russian locations and exit the market, CNBC reports. The 130 Russian locations, owned by a local licensee, had been shuttered since March 8th, shortly after the glorious and ultra-successful military operation to liberate Ukraine from Nazis began. The end of Starbucks in Russia is just the latest in a campaign of economic terrorism against Russia by woke corporate communists such as McDonald’s and NATO.

11,007 pounds of methamphetamine was seized at the southern border in April alone!

— GOP (@GOP) May 23, 2022

“Mike Pence was set to lose a governor’s race in 2016 before he was plucked up and his political career was salvaged. Now, desperate to chase his lost relevance, Pence is parachuting into races, hoping someone is paying attention. The reality is, President Trump is already 82-3 with his endorsements, and there’s nothing stopping him from saving America in 2022 and beyond,” assured Trump spokesworm Taylor Budowich in response to a request for comment from the New York Times for their Monday profile of Vice Former Guy and his 2024 ambitions.

For his part, Pence said to the Times he and “Mother” will “go where we’re called. That’s the way Karen and I have always approached these things,” because prayer and God something something.

A white rural Wisconsin couple are lucky to be alive after a violent struggle with a homeless Black intruder ended with the hungry freeloader shot dead and the couple hospitalized with bites and scratches, WSAW reports. The altercation began Friday night at approximately when the unidentified couple spotted the radical transient eating from their bird feeder, consuming seeds that she did not earn and was not entitled to. The couple then began screaming at the hairy naturist – also known as a “bear” – to leave, to which the female transient became enraged and smashed through a window into the traditional Christian family’s living room. The couple, defending themselves with kitchen knives, sustained injuries during the fight that ended only when the man retrieved his firearm and shot the crazed animal dead. The couple’s children slept through the entire incident and were unharmed. The couple were treated at a local hospital and released.

The freeloader’s cub was spotted running away from the scene, having learned an important lesson about the value of hard work and earning a living rather than stealing from decent Americans.

“Here’s the thing with girls 22 or under, they smell massively different to a girl of 28. Girls aged 16 to, say 23, have this buttery, creamy, slightly sweet smell that is unbelievably magnetic,” wrote British Tory candidate Jonty Campbell on Saturday before locking his Twitter account.

In the latest incidence of violence striking the mass transit system, a 48-year-old man was shot in the chest and killed Sunday morning as he rode a New York City subway car as it entered Manhattan, Reuters reports.

The attack appears to have been random, with the shooting and the victim not exchanging any words prior to the fatal gunshot.  The suspect–a heavy-set, “dark-skinned” man with a beard who was wearing a hooded sweatshirt, gray sweat pants and white sneakers–fled the train when it reached its next stop.  He remains at large.

“Preliminary investigation reveals the suspect was walking back and forth in the same train car and, without provocation, pulled out a gun and fired it at the victim at close range as the train was crossing the Manhattan Bridge,” Kenneth Corey, NYPD’s chief of department. said.

This is definitely not safe for work.  It’s a Republican candidate for New York’s 14th Congressional District, now (and in the future) held by Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.  She’s literally the best they could dig up.  This woman’s name is Tina Forte, the foul-mouthed social media personality who has no applicable experience or education, but she’s loud, obscene and obnoxious, which makes her the perfect GOP candidate.  She’s not just an assault on your ears, she’s fond of making videos from behind the wheel of her car, which makes her a traffic hazard as well as a hazard to democracy.

Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese was sworn in to office Sunday, just a day after his Labor Party swept the misnamed “Liberal Party” and now former Prime Minister Kevin Morrison out of their nine-year majority, AFP reports. It all happened so fast the “Make Australia Great Again” assholes had no time to try to make up some bullshit about Dominion or Soros.

Queen of Alternative Facts and Woman of Questionable Parenting Skills Kellyanne Conway has published her memoir, “Here’s the Deal,” in which she glorifies her own existence and curiously fails to mention any of the foibles, errors and outright disasters her previous boss made.

According to the Washington Post, Conway’s 500-page book–which I will not read–is chock full of defenses of Donald Trump, claiming that many of the complaints and criticisms of Trump are a result of “Trump Derangement Syndrome,” not actual facts, which Conway nimbly avoids.

Instead, her book is about her personal journey into the political limelight, and which in no small way was made possible by the likes of Bill Maher and others feature the perpetual liar on their political talk shows.

Fat former President Trump is not too happy with his undorsed former favorite candidate for Alabama Senate Mo Brooks… who technically isn’t lying because Trump still endorsed him before the undorsement came in March. Taking it back doesn’t mean Brooks can’t put in on a mailer.

I have an update on Operation Fly Formula. We have secured a second flight to transport Nestlé specialty infant formula to Pennsylvania.

The flight and trucking will take place in the coming days, and I will continue to keep you updated.

— President Biden (@POTUS) May 22, 2022

Republican Florida Governor Ron DeSantis will likely refuse to release an accurate count of the number of monkeypox cases in his state–which now number [checking notes] one–as his administration’s policy in address the spread of the virus.

As Axios reports, a person in Broward County has tested positive for monkeypox, a contagious virus for which the smallpox vaccine is 85% effective in preventing serious infection.  DeSantis had previously ordered state officials to alter the way coronavirus infections in the state were reported in an effort to reduce the number of confirmed cases in the state; it’s unknown if he’ll attempt to deny the existence of the disease in the state.

While monkeypox is contagious, it is less contagious than coronavirus, with the spread possible through close bodily contact with an infected person.  The disease creates welts on the skin, but is fatal in less than 1% of infection cases.