Federal prosecutors have asked the House January 6th Select Committee to hand over the transcripts of closed-door interviews with witnesses, the New York Times reports. We’re going to go out on a limb and say this is probably bad news for the MAGA Reich, especially the ones who like to play fast and loose with the truth – which is basically all of them – because perjury’s a thing even when one isn’t in trouble otherwise. “Process crimes” as the fanboys like to call them.

The Washington Post’s Philip Bump transcribed an hour-long call with convicted felon filmmaker Dinesh D’Douza over his recent sci-fi thriller “2000 Mules” which the fanboys have been screaming with excitement about lately. The transcription is long. Very long, but Bump’s key moment where D’Souza admits he doesn’t actually have the evidence to prove the film’s main assertion that paid Democrat “mules” put stacks upon stacks of fraudulent ballots into drop boxes in Georgia to steal the 2020 election from Trump comes somewhere around the middle.

Bump: “It’s up to you to prove this even happened. But again, your movie doesn’t prove that this even happened even once. You show no one who went to multiple drop boxes.”

D’Souza: “But what I’m saying is I do show it. You’re demanding video evidence when you know that there are whole states that took no video. There are other states that that took very partial video. There are other states that took video, but the camera is not even pointed at the drop box. So the absence, my inability to – if this had been done properly according to the election rules and there was video surveillance on all the drop boxes, I am firmly convinced that a mule going to ten different drop boxes would be seen on the video ten different times. But if only one of those drop boxes have video, you can’t then fault me and say, ‘Wait, why can’t I see more video?’ Because the states didn’t take it.”

Bump: “I can fault you because you are the one making the proposition. It’s not up to me to prove you wrong, but for you to prove your point. And you just admitted you don’t have the evidence to prove that point.”

D’Souza: “Well, I’m saying that I have the evidence – when I say ‘I’m,’ I’m speaking also, by the way, for True the Vote – we have the electronic evidence, which is decisive in itself, and the video evidence happens to completely correspond with the geotracking evidence.”

What a freaking loser, lol. Missing from this is how the fuck a fake ballot gets processed and counted in a state that had insanely convoluted signature matching requirements before the Republican legislature passed a law last year making them even more obnoxious.

Athletic wear powerhouse Nike has signed two sisters who play soccer for a California high school to a so-called “NIL”–name, image and likeness–deal, the first known high school athletes to get such an agreement with a major product manufacturer, ESPN reports.

Alyssa and Gisele Thompson, a junior and sophomore respectively, at Harvard-Westlake High School where they both play soccer.  They are committed to playing at Stanford for their college careers and will both play on the US youth national team.

The NCAA recently revoked its rule barring college athletes from making money off their name, image and likeness, a rule which also would bar student-athletes from competing if they made money from their athletic fame prior to entering college.

As we had expected he would after submitting a moronic resolution to “expunge” Donald’s first impeachment from the House back in March, stained MAGA pajamas wearing Trump fanboy and Oklahoma Congressman Markwayne Mullin has written another one to do the same for his God’s historic second impeachment, the Daily Beast reports. The draft, circulated via email to Mullin’s GOP colleagues, is a screed bemoaning the “rabid partisanship the Democrats displayed in exercising one of the most grave and consequential powers with which the House is charged” and nods at “the legitimate concerns held by protesters.” Mullin is running in a crowded GOP field to replace retiring Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe, which would explain why he’s trying to get the fat bastard’s attention and the coveted golden endorsement, per the Beast, whose article curiously makes no mention of the first “expungement” resolution from March.

The greatest choice a woman can make is becoming a mother. pic.twitter.com/FqePbRHjey

— Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene🇺🇸 (@RepMTG) May 17, 2022

“John Fetterman is about to undergo a standard procedure to implant a pacemaker with a defibrillator. It should be a short procedure that will help protect his heart and address the underlying cause of his stroke, atrial fibrillation (A-fib), by regulating his heart rate and rhythm”

– Statement from Pennsylvania Lt Governor John Fetterman’s Senate primary campaign. Those who believe keep John in your prayers. Those who don’t keep him in your thoughts. Just don’t say “Thoughts and prayers” though because that means you wish he was dead. Stay tuned to National Zero for primary election results from Pennsylvania, Idaho, and North Carolina Tuesday night.

I will soon no longer be posting on Twitter. This is a terrible website that is beyond fixing.

TRUTH will soon be available to everyone when its web application launches.

Be sure to follow me there @realLizUSA 🇺🇸 pic.twitter.com/snZ79Ym3Rv

— Liz Harrington (@realLizUSA) May 17, 2022

“Here’s what I wanna encourage women ta understand and know,” life coach and alleged adulterer Majorie Taylor Greene (Q-GA) says during a last minute campaign rally.  “If you accidentally get pregnant, let me tell ya somethin’.  That, that abortion that you’re considering having, it’s not going to solve your problems.  It’s not going to make that boyfriend [note air quotes] or that guy love you.  That abortion won’t do that.  It’s not gonna help you pursue a career that you think you wanna pursue.  It’s not gonna help you finish college.  Lemme tell you what’ll help you out more in your life:  When you have a baby and you love someone more than you ever loved anyone in your entire life.”

Leave it to Marge to think the only reason a woman would get an abortion is because she wants a man to love her, because *obviously* the only thing every woman considers is what the man thinks, right?  And you should only have a baby because you lack love in your life, and you need a baby to fill that void.  And yes, Marge, not having a child does help when finishing a college degree or pursuing a career; you wouldn’t know that because you married into a family owned construction business and you don’t know how difficult finishing college with a child is. Don’t have a child only because you seek love; seek counseling instead.

Notorious Ohio underworld figure Allison Spaulding, aka “Crayfish Christie”, pleaded guilty Tuesday in a federal court to a staggering 96 transactions in which she moved the illicit marbled crayfish to buyers seeking to live dangerously to aquatic ecosystems. The crustacean crime lord faces up to a year in prison for violating the Lacey Act for selling the invasive species. Spaulding earned as much as $2,812 in the sales, according to the Department of Justice.

“The Department of Justice is committed to preventing the spread of invasive species,” said Assistant Attorney General Todd Kim of the Justice Department’s Environment and Natural Resources Division. “Marbled crayfish pose a unique threat to America’s freshwater ecosystems and the defendant’s sales had the potential to introduce this dangerous species throughout the country. Such conduct will be prosecuted and punished,” Kim added, possibly before returning to stare at a map of the United States covered in thumbtacks and Polaroid photos of various crustaceans, pondering if Spaulding is just a low level soldier in a massive syndicate whose pincer claws and antennae reach all the way to the kitchens of Red Lobster locations nationwide.

Spaulding joins Beeswax Billy, Shrimpy Shirley, and Pistachio Pete as criminals given obnoxious, gimicky headline nicknames by National Zero for no purpose other than to annoy our readers.

On Tuesday, Khary Penebaker and Mary Arnold, two of the real Wisconsin electors who on December 14th, 2020 signed their electoral college vote certifications for real President Joe Biden have filed a lawsuit in a state court against the fake Wisconsin Trump 2020 electors, among them state election commission member Bob Spindell, the asshole who tried to help scam Green Party candidate Howie Hawkins and Kanye West on to the presidential ballot in the state to sap votes away from Biden, the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reports. The lawsuit seeks $200,000 in damages from each of the defendants, arguing that they impersonated duly appointed public officials, engaged in a conspiracy to defraud voters, and illegally interfered in official proceedings when they submitted the fake votes to the National Archives and the Wisconsin Secretary of State.

Fat former President Trump’s book publishing company “Winning Team” announced Monday he’ll be paying someone else to write a sci-fi alternate history novel about the 2020 election called “Crime of The Century”, RSBN reports. “NEW BOOK ALERT: CRIME OF THE CENTURY by President Donald J. Trump! More details coming soon at 45books.com ??,” Winning Team tweeted.

The Republican National Committee has not yet said how many pallets of “Crime of the Century” it will buy to artificially inflate sales numbers in order to get the overpriced piece of shit book on the New York Times bestseller list, but we’re probably looking at half a million, easily.

On Monday afternoon notorious right wing douchebag professor Jordan Peterson tweeted this:

Sorry. Not beautiful. And no amount of authoritarian tolerance is going to change that. https://t.co/rOASeeQvee

— Dr Jordan B Peterson (@jordanbpeterson) May 16, 2022

Then on Monday evening, after a shit ton of replies mocking his looks, Peterson tweeted this:

Coronavirus is back in the New York groove baby! The smash hit virus that swept Broadway and the rest of the town has got the Big Apple on a bright red alert, WNBC reports. New Yorkers are rocking the facial fashion and the hottest hospitals report lines out the door.

“Now is the time to double down on protecting ourselves and each other by making choices that can keep our friends, neighbors, relatives and coworkers from getting sick,” NYC Health Chief Dr. Ashwin Vasan said in a statement. “As a city, we have the tools to blunt the impact of this wave, including distributing tests, masks and promoting treatments. Getting back to Low Risk depends on everyone doing their part and if we follow guidance, our forecasts anticipate this wave’s peak will not last long. What we do now can make all the difference.”

The Food and Drug Administration authorized the administration of the Pfizer coronavirus vaccine as a booster for five- to eleven-year-old children as the nation braces itself for an expected summer surge, NBC News reports.

The booster will be same dosages as their first two inoculations, which are roughly a third of the dosage given to people 12-years-old and older.

While children do not typically get serious cases of Covid if they get infected, studies show that the long-term impact of a coronavirus infection can impact patients’ neurology over the long term.

This is it! The government is finally going to tell the public everything about UFOs! It won’t be boring at all! History will be made today, people! Get your fucking popcorn ready, this is the big show! We’re talking footage of alien abductions, detailed descriptions of recovered extraterrestrial spacecraft, even the secrets of Area 51 finally being revealed! It definitely won’t be any boring, overly technical descriptions of sightings of blurry, distant orbs and inconclusive findings made by military researchers. We’ve had enough of that. Seriously. It better be good or otherwise American taxpayers might be pretty disappointed. Could even result in a negative review on Yelp.

Insurgent QAnon fan Pennsylvania GOP Senate primary candidate Kathy Barnette had some not very deferential words for the Orange God Emperor at her final campaign event, noting that when she lost a House race in 2020, Donald lost her district by even more, the New York Times reports.

“I lost by 19 points, Donald Trump lost by more than 26 points. Who’s less electable with those numbers?” said Barnette on Monday night, adding “So when you want to talk about electability, I think that’s a really good sign that I’m able to get people that Donald Trump was not able to get,” Ms. Barnette said. “That’s the power of me being able to walk into any single corner of this commonwealth. I believe we Republicans have the better values, quite frankly, and I believe we have the better story. I just think we keep picking people who suck at telling it.” Barnette was responding to the Donald’s insistence she’s not electable in the general race for the seat.

Michigan mom Jenna Campau is suing Helen DeVos Children’s Hospital in Grand Rapids over their requirement that her 17 year old daughter, adopted from Ukraine last year, be vaxxed against COVID, HPV, and flu before she receives a life-saving kidney transplant, the Detroit News reports.

The girl has only one kidney that barely functions and regularly receives dialysis. A 17 year old girl hooked up to a dialysis machine constantly, that could have a more normal life if her parents didn’t think “any vaccine or medical product that is produced or researched using aborted fetal cells and also genetic modifications or therapies that involve combing (sic) human and cells or DNA,” per the complaint, was a violation of their civil rights. How the hell child protective services isn’t stepping in here, we don’t know, but God willing the girl turns 18 soon.

20% fake/spam accounts, while 4 times what Twitter claims, could be *much* higher.

My offer was based on Twitter’s SEC filings being accurate.

Yesterday, Twitter’s CEO publicly refused to show proof of <5%.

This deal cannot move forward until he does.

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) May 17, 2022

Joel Greenberg, the former Seminole County, Florida tax collector who pleaded guilty last May to six federal charges, including knowingly paying for sex with a minor, has once again had his sentencing delayed as he cooperates with law enforcement on a whole shit ton of investigations into Florida GOP figures, of which MAGA bro Congressman Matt Gaetz’s banging underage girls may be among the smaller fish, CNN reports. This marks a staggering fourth sentencing delay for Greenberg, whose judgment day – originally set for August 2021 – has been pushed back again and again as he apparently continues to supply information to federal prosecutors.